NopeNah Posted March 6, 2015 Share Posted March 6, 2015 So my "ex"(she wants to get back together) has been going to individual therapy,I have also been seeing my therapist since Dec or so. Anyways...she's made an appointment for us for next week and honestly I don't know what to expect from it. They going to gang up on me or what? Link to post Share on other sites
KBarletta Posted March 6, 2015 Share Posted March 6, 2015 It depends a lot on who the therapist is and what their style is, but I would not expect a good therapist to allow you to feel like you've been "ganged up" on. It is supposed to be a safe environment for you to talk through problems, differences, issues, etc., and work on creating long-lasting, constructive solutions. Ganging up on you doesn't accomplish that. That said, a good therapist also can see through bull****, so you will need to be honest and accept your faults. If you don't do that, you may feel like you're being ganged up on, but it's probably because you're setting off BS detectors all over the room. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author NopeNah Posted March 6, 2015 Author Share Posted March 6, 2015 It depends a lot on who the therapist is and what their style is, but I would not expect a good therapist to allow you to feel like you've been "ganged up" on. It is supposed to be a safe environment for you to talk through problems, differences, issues, etc., and work on creating long-lasting, constructive solutions. Ganging up on you doesn't accomplish that. That said, a good therapist also can see through bull****, so you will need to be honest and accept your faults. If you don't do that, you may feel like you're being ganged up on, but it's probably because you're setting off BS detectors all over the room. I'm not going there to try and hide my faults. I am setting down with my ex tonight and making a list of what we each want out of these sessions. For me it's about finding the 'tools' to use for better communication and knowing when to not escalate a disagreement,ect..for her it's a lot of past resentment she needs to learn to either let go of,or get over it. I'm thinking the therapist is going to say "Why are you two together still". We actually watched the movie 'old school' the other night and I joked about me being Will Ferrell in "The safe nest". Link to post Share on other sites
Michelle ma Belle Posted March 6, 2015 Share Posted March 6, 2015 It depends a lot on who the therapist is and what their style is, but I would not expect a good therapist to allow you to feel like you've been "ganged up" on. It is supposed to be a safe environment for you to talk through problems, differences, issues, etc., and work on creating long-lasting, constructive solutions. Ganging up on you doesn't accomplish that. That said, a good therapist also can see through bull****, so you will need to be honest and accept your faults. If you don't do that, you may feel like you're being ganged up on, but it's probably because you're setting off BS detectors all over the room. Agreed. No professional therapist would behave in this way. Their job is to stay impartial. Are you seeing a new therapist or going to see her therapist? Link to post Share on other sites
Author NopeNah Posted March 6, 2015 Author Share Posted March 6, 2015 Agreed. No professional therapist would behave in this way. Their job is to stay impartial. Are you seeing a new therapist or going to see her therapist? New therapist. Link to post Share on other sites
Author NopeNah Posted March 6, 2015 Author Share Posted March 6, 2015 She wanted to go to my therapist for her individual sessions and couples. I shot that down. Just didn't seem right to me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
KBarletta Posted March 6, 2015 Share Posted March 6, 2015 She wanted to go to my therapist for her individual sessions and couples. I shot that down. Just didn't seem right to me. I agree. I wouldn't feel comfortable in couple's therapy with the same person I or my wife saw for individual therapy. I think it makes sense to keep them separate. Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted March 6, 2015 Share Posted March 6, 2015 Is that the same woman that wanted to get back together for the first time 6 years ago? If yes, don't expect much. Link to post Share on other sites
Author NopeNah Posted March 6, 2015 Author Share Posted March 6, 2015 Is that the same woman that wanted to get back together for the first time 6 years ago? If yes, don't expect much. Yep! Link to post Share on other sites
Author NopeNah Posted March 11, 2015 Author Share Posted March 11, 2015 Anyhow...She canceled the first appointment..AND..Cancelled the second one too. Oh well.. Still going to continue to do me! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
KBarletta Posted March 11, 2015 Share Posted March 11, 2015 Anyhow...She canceled the first appointment..AND..Cancelled the second one too. Oh well.. Still going to continue to do me! Isn't she the one who suggested this and the one who made the appointment to begin with? I wouldn't keep giving her chances like this, honestly. If she wants to get back together with you, she needs to show a commitment to making it work. Canceling back to back counseling, especially right at the beginning, sends an awful message that she's not all in. I'd be very hesitant to continue down this path if I were you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author NopeNah Posted March 11, 2015 Author Share Posted March 11, 2015 Isn't she the one who suggested this and the one who made the appointment to begin with? I wouldn't keep giving her chances like this, honestly. If she wants to get back together with you, she needs to show a commitment to making it work. Canceling back to back counseling, especially right at the beginning, sends an awful message that she's not all in. I'd be very hesitant to continue down this path if I were you. Yes,sir. I'm not doing this anymore. Time to get on with my life. I'm not hurt,sad,or anything. I was expecting this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author NopeNah Posted March 11, 2015 Author Share Posted March 11, 2015 Her words after I told her I can't do this anymore= "I was looking forward to falling in love with you again".. Forced much? Lonely? I'm no one's fall back plan! Link to post Share on other sites
KBarletta Posted March 11, 2015 Share Posted March 11, 2015 Her words after I told her I can't do this anymore= "I was looking forward to falling in love with you again".. Forced much? Lonely? I'm no one's fall back plan! If that's the case, why isn't she putting in the effort to make it happen? What is her excuse for cancelling two appointments that she said she wanted? Actions speak louder than words, and her actions in this case tell me you should be done with her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author NopeNah Posted March 11, 2015 Author Share Posted March 11, 2015 If that's the case, why isn't she putting in the effort to make it happen? What is her excuse for cancelling two appointments that she said she wanted? Actions speak louder than words, and her actions in this case tell me you should be done with her. Obviously I'm nothing more than comfortable/easy to her. No more! I will not be taken for granted! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author NopeNah Posted March 11, 2015 Author Share Posted March 11, 2015 She's blowing up my phone and text like crazy right now. "Want's to show me..blah,blah..." It's nonsense! I'm just going to move on with my life. F this! Link to post Share on other sites
KBarletta Posted March 11, 2015 Share Posted March 11, 2015 She's blowing up my phone and text like crazy right now. "Want's to show me..blah,blah..." It's nonsense! I'm just going to move on with my life. F this! "Showing you" would have included "showing up" for couples' therapy. I would suggest blocking her so you can end the drama and stop the back-and-forth. Link to post Share on other sites
Author NopeNah Posted March 11, 2015 Author Share Posted March 11, 2015 "Showing you" would have included "showing up" for couples' therapy. I would suggest blocking her so you can end the drama and stop the back-and-forth. I wanted to set down and write out what we both "expected" from the therapy....She never did..It's obvious I'm not her priority. I'm GONE! Link to post Share on other sites
BlackHat Posted March 12, 2015 Share Posted March 12, 2015 They going to gang up on me or what? Pretty much. In cases of imminent (or realized) divorce couples therapy has mostly two distinct purposes: - To force you to agree to something you don't want to do. - To make you understand that she is giving you the gift of forgiveness and not the other way around, featuring the therapist telling you how good she is and how bad you are. My advice is: People don't change. There was a reason why you got divorced. Just refuse the drama trip. Link to post Share on other sites
BlackHat Posted March 12, 2015 Share Posted March 12, 2015 She's blowing up my phone and text like crazy right now. "Want's to show me..blah,blah..." It's nonsense! I'm just going to move on with my life. F this! You may want to get a lady friend to answer the phone next time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author NopeNah Posted March 12, 2015 Author Share Posted March 12, 2015 You may want to get a lady friend to answer the phone next time. After her constant calls/texts last night(begging,sorrys,ect..) I've now blocked her number. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted March 12, 2015 Share Posted March 12, 2015 So my "ex"(she wants to get back together) has been going to individual therapy,I have also been seeing my therapist since Dec or so. What aspects have you been tasking the therapist to work in IC? Anyways...she's made an appointment for us for next week and honestly I don't know what to expect from it. They going to gang up on me or what? Expect pretty much the same, except in couple's therapy the relationship or marriage is the client and the therapist works the couple to that goal and standard. Yep, there will be some times you feel 'ganged up on'. It's all part of the process. A good therapist knows how to balance work to prevent either partner from becoming too exhausted. I noted, in our year or so of MC, that our psychologist was quite expert in working a positive close to each session so any defensiveness or exhaustion or fear or pain was mitigated to a close which generally left us continuing positive communication after we'd leave the session. IOW, arguments in session didn't continue into the parking lot, rather productive communication. Your process, and product, will be individual. If you find the couple's therapist to not feel like a good fit, ask for a referral. Fit is important. It's your work and you're the bosses. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted March 12, 2015 Share Posted March 12, 2015 Reading downthread, yeah, probably more productive to let this interaction go and continue IC as appropriate for any personal issues. One aspect I did appreciate from the MC process was that of clarifying relationship aspects relevant to the decision-making process, meaning the decision to remain married or get divorced. My takeaway was improved communication and clearly seeing the marriage in concrete terms and aspects and accepting it as it was and making decisions on that information. Link to post Share on other sites
Author NopeNah Posted March 12, 2015 Author Share Posted March 12, 2015 That was my "goal" in doing couples therapy,improving communication. Guess that isn't happening since I blocked her. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted March 12, 2015 Share Posted March 12, 2015 Well, you made a decision. Decisions are good. Now, move forward. Clarify in your mind your reasoning for the decision, accept it as valid and then move on to the next decision. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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