Wife found out about affair

[georgia girl]

In psychological terms, this is the equivalent of a rat pushing the bar for food. She takes an action - threatening self harm - to get a reward - your attention. If it works, she won't stop. It's learned behavior. Even if you attempt to stop, she will only escalate the action to receive even a less reward. Can you see how dangerous this is for everyone involved? Stop reacting and think for once. Contact a friend of hers and have him/her meet the OW. You are going to have to tell the friend enough so she can be a friend. Then, turn off your phone and take your wife and kids away for the day. Cut off all forms of contact.

 

You should apologize to this woman. Explain that you made a mistake and that you will never contact her again before you go completely silent. Please don't teach this woman that if she provides a stimulus, you will provide a reward. If she is manipulative - as you describe - and desperate, she may select a very harmful stimulus. That would be devastating for everyone. You have to own this, quit covering up and minimizing. These are YOUR consequences. It's time to make smart decisions.

[elaine567]

I am sorry but this all lands firmly on the shoulders of the OP.

Both these women are casualties of his lust.

 

He has a "room mate" wife and works with a beautiful woman.

The beautiful woman is in a bad place, she has an abusive husband, she is going through a divorce, her self esteem is in her boots and she is very vulnerable. Along comes our hero with a shoulder to cry on and an unsatisfied sex drive. She is ripe for the taking.

He leads her on and she is willing, as she needs support, she needs a saviour.

They have sex, he no doubt tells her he loves her and future fakes.

The OW eventually realises that maybe she is being taken for a fool here and leaves. The OP is heart broken, his cake supply just dried up.

 

THEN the wife finds out, the OW thinks she has a chance here, but no, our hero loves his "room mate" wife and no doubt his status, his home and friends.

The OW being mentally unstable due to being abused by her husband and now being future faked by her "saviour", is threatening suicide...

The OP now adopts the "washing of hands" position, the woman is insane, nothing to do with me...

 

Wow, just wow!

[Tayla]

Thanks everyone for your comments. I think her behavior the past week or so, in contrast to how my wife is holding up, has confirmed my choice for me. There really isn't one. My wife is spectacular, and my AP is proving to be far more insane than I ever imagined.

 

I am still very concerned with her threats, so I'm going to see her tomorrow and make sure she isn't serious. But it will be in a public space.

How about bringing your wife along? I think that is fair for all persons. This way you have public witness's and can then openly acknowledge the matters that need addressed. Naturally most will boo that idea , yet I can think of nothing better to put things straight.

[truncated]

I am sorry but this all lands firmly on the shoulders of the OP.

Both these women are casualties of his lust.

 

He has a "room mate" wife and works with a beautiful woman.

The beautiful woman is in a bad place, she has an abusive husband, she is going through a divorce, her self esteem is in her boots and she is very vulnerable. Along comes our hero with a shoulder to cry on and an unsatisfied sex drive. She is ripe for the taking.

He leads her on and she is willing, as she needs support, she needs a saviour.

They have sex, he no doubt tells her he loves her and future fakes.

The OW eventually realises that maybe she is being taken for a fool here and leaves. The OP is heart broken, his cake supply just dried up.

 

THEN the wife finds out, the OW thinks she has a chance here, but no, our hero loves his "room mate" wife and no doubt his status, his home and friends.

The OW being mentally unstable due to being abused by her husband and now being future faked by her "saviour", is threatening suicide...

The OP now adopts the "washing of hands" position, the woman is insane, nothing to do with me...

 

Wow, just wow!

 

I don't agree with your synopsis of the ow.

 

She is an adult, and I have a sneaking suspicion that she is one of those types of people who love to cause drama and act like a spoiled child to get her own way. Her actions now make me wonder what her marriage was really like. Did she act in a similar fashion with her husband?

 

The op is better off running as far and and fast from her as he can. She is acting like a spoiled child who didn't get her own way and by seeing her, all he is doing her is showing her that type of behavior will work to get her what she wants.

[Arieswoman]

OP,

Oh boy, are you in for a $h!£$torm and it's all of your own making.

 

Another part of me sees the determination and strength my wife is exhibiting and her commitment to me and our marriage, and I would feel disgusted with myself if I did not give it my 100% to make this marriage work again.

 

If you really wanted to give 100% why did you not dump the AP right away, instead of putting her on the 'back burner'?

My exH did that to me and started a false reconciliation (fortunately I didn't believe him and continued with the divorce). When it came out he was still in contact with his AP I went ballistic and he spent the night in casualty/ER.

 

Just wait until your wife finds out the OW is still on the scene - and she will find out because the "woman of your dreams" (the one you had such an amazing connection with, remember ?) will make sure she knows. Your wife may be handling it well at the moment but when she finds out you've duped her twice - well, "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned"......

 

You'll certainly see what strength your wife has, when she hires a pit-bull lawyer, you get kicked out of the matrimonial home and she starts stripping your assets.

 

I have gained a lot of respect for my wife in the aftermath of this, even if she has lost respect for me.

 

You mean you didn't have any/much respect for her before this happened? Gee whizz.

 

If you're looking for sympathy here you won't get much.

 

Whatever plans you make for your future are pointless because your wife holds all the cards at the moment, so I would be talking to her about what she wants to do.

 

I'd move out into a nuclear fallout bunker if I were you....

Edited March 8, 2015 by Arieswoman

[Ruffian1]

and seeing how she is responding to all this tumult, I am starting to realize that she may not be a person I can truly be with.

 

My wife is spectacular, and my AP is proving to be far more insane than I ever imagined.

 

Yet I know there are deeper issues in my marriage, including the general decline of communication through the years, the lack of sharing with each other (though I certainly take responsibility for this), falling into our own routines and our own worlds, all this allowed the affair to happen.

 

Everything Elain said.

 

You are just another user. You use your BS and you use your OW. You never intended to be with that OW. You said just the right words to get whatever it is you wanted from her,sex, ego strokes, etc..

 

You lie to and deceive your BS who provides a stable home for you and all the comforts and pleasures that come with that deal. Now that dday struck, go tell a bunch of lies about this OW, how she came on to you all the time and you fell for it, do damage control.

 

Eventually OW found out about you being a user, that she was just a tool for you, AFTER she let walls down and became emotionally invested in you. Of course she is massively hurt and humiliated, and you throw her in the trash. And now, all of the sudden she is a psycho, crazy women and how could you ever have thought you would leave your BS for her?!!

 

Are you proud of your self??????

 

Well, Its Just All About You, isn't it . .

 

 

You blame your Marriage like it is some live entity, that allowed the affair to happen. The Marriage did it, it allowed it, not you, and since your BS is part of that Marriage (open marriage on your part, guess your BS didn’t get that memo) she is partly to blame for allowing the affair to happen. But since dday you suddenly see some qualities she has??

 

And your qualities are what? Please share them here with us.

 

Wow, what a stand up man. All full of judgement on these two women. Go ahead, meet with this OW.

Tell her a bunch of crap about how you need to see if your M will work, how it is just the wrong time right now and a bunch of other crap MM say to the hurt OW to assuage their own guilt and talk them out of telling the BS everything that really happened.

 

Do you have daughters? I hope they get involved with a man just like you someday

 

You want advice?? That is why your are here?

 

Stop using and hurting women who care about you just because you can.

Edited March 8, 2015 by Ruffian1

[Zigoto2]

If you want a chance at R with your wife, you need to be honest and open with her. You need to show her over and over that you deserve the chance to gain her trust again (and that takes a long, long time). You can become a better husband to her only if she gives you that chance. Meeting with your AP without mentioning it to your wife will only hurt her and your relationship more.

 

My husband has shown me all the texts and emails she has sent him since Dday and he has texted me right away/ told me when she tried to talk to him at a professional development event they both attended. As hard as it was for me to hear, it also gave me an indication he was being open with me.

 

You wife and marriage need to come first. That's what you have committed yourself to.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Separate from you wife as soon as possible so she can start moving on. It's going to take her a while to recover and she isn't getting any younger. If you have any love or respect for her left, this is the only option. Love her enough to do what's best for her. She'll thank you one day.

 

I don't get the "time" to find yourself thing at all. You know who you are, the problems started when other people found out. Leave your wife and you're free to be yourself, you could have 50 girlfriends if you wanted.

 

Again, do both you and your wide a favor and end it quickly!

[Majormisstep]

I am sorry but this all lands firmly on the shoulders of the OP.

Both these women are casualties of his lust.

 

He has a "room mate" wife and works with a beautiful woman.

The beautiful woman is in a bad place, she has an abusive husband, she is going through a divorce, her self esteem is in her boots and she is very vulnerable. Along comes our hero with a shoulder to cry on and an unsatisfied sex drive. She is ripe for the taking.

He leads her on and she is willing, as she needs support, she needs a saviour.

They have sex, he no doubt tells her he loves her and future fakes.

The OW eventually realises that maybe she is being taken for a fool here and leaves. The OP is heart broken, his cake supply just dried up.

 

THEN the wife finds out, the OW thinks she has a chance here, but no, our hero loves his "room mate" wife and no doubt his status, his home and friends.

The OW being mentally unstable due to being abused by her husband and now being future faked by her "saviour", is threatening suicide...

The OP now adopts the "washing of hands" position, the woman is insane, nothing to do with me...

 

Wow, just wow!

 

THIS ^^^ x 10,000.

 

You were warned of the D-Day dangers in your first post but continued the A anyway. How much future faking did you do with your AP? Why did she think you two had a future together?

 

Now that sh*t has hit the fan, your W is amazing (as per your recent realization) and the AP is suddenly a bunny boiler and you now realize you cannot be with someone that unstable? Really?

 

That's what happens when you play with fire. Someone always gets burned.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

I'll tell you something else you may not have thought about. When the dust settles, if you make the selfish decision to stay married, you will always know that you will never be the man you once were in your wife's eyes. She may love you enough to work on the marriage and years of openness from you she might begin to try to trust you but she will NEVER respect you the way she will other men she'll begin to notice who have character and integrity.

 

You don't want to look in your wife's eyes for the rest of your life and know that she will never respect you the way she once did. It would always be there.

[Popsicle]

Perhaps it's time for you to move to the "Infidelity" section. Especially since you are done with the OW.

[NewLeaf512]

I feel for all parties involved here but MM how do you justify hurting your AP? You have hurt your wife for sure, but your AP is a human being you destroyed too.

[whichwayisup]

Perhaps it's time for you to move to the "Infidelity" section. Especially since you are done with the OW.

 

Why move the thread? The same people will still reach out regardless of what section his thread is in. He needs help. And much of this thread will still be about the OW since he is meeting her tomorrow. Just because the A is over doesn't mean she won't be discussed.

[Lurkeraspect]

Perhaps it's time for you to move to the "Infidelity" section. Especially since you are done with the OW.

 

I don't believe he's done with the OW. I think he's probably scrambling to figure out how to continue both his marriage and the affair.

[gettingstronger]

My thoughts- as a BS with an OW that is not handling things well-

 

Meeting- make sure your wife is on-board with this and if so, it might be the kind thing to do- I insisted my husband offer to meet our OW in person to end it, she decline but thats OK- what I do want you to understand is that even if you do meet, that may not be the end of the crazy-our OW has intruded on and off for going on 26 months now- she had a suicide attempt, had to have an organ transplant and the DAY she got home from the hospital she intruded-

 

Your marriage- please don't decide on your wife because she is acting "better" than the OW today- reconciliation is a long, tough road- if you stay in your marriage do it because you love your wife and are willing to see her through all of the tough days and nights ahead- experts say it takes 3-5 years to heal- she will at times be even nuttier than the OW-its a lot to process, it hurts and it takes lots and lots of time-

 

If you want the "easy" way out where you don't have to face a hurt BS or OW than consider leaving both and being on your own-if you are unwilling or unable to deal with what you have done to these women the kindest thing is to leave-you are not a prize and you do no one any good if you are not wiling to face up to what you have done and the effects it has on those around you-

[waterwoman]

Whatever you are planning to do, inform your wife. If you are going to see OW, tell your wife. This is a future that affects both of you and two heads are better than one - you say she is being amazing and strong, get her on side.

[Mal78]

Thanks everyone for your comments. I think her behavior the past week or so, in contrast to how my wife is holding up, has confirmed my choice for me. There really isn't one. My wife is spectacular, and my AP is proving to be far more insane than I ever imagined.

 

I am still very concerned with her threats, so I'm going to see her tomorrow and make sure she isn't serious. But it will be in a public space.

 

You are NOT serious are you?!? She can't respect you enough to give you two weeks that you are willing to run to her the minute she acts desperate? How many days post d-day?

 

You "future-faked" with your OW.

 

She is a desperate women. Unstable women if you only gave her a two week frame. I don't image you mentioned it was over, yet she is EXTREMELY worried because she expected you would react to d-day the same way she did.

 

She is in a tailspin and grasping at straws, she is baiting you.

 

You affair has certainly NOT ended, nor do I believe it will. Tell your wife. She deserves to know you can't carry on continuing to live both these lives. You don't desire R in the least. Do NOT lead your wife on. She deserves to grieve and move on eventually finding someone who *can* give her his whole heart. Or she can find her passions, reach her goals and/or pursue her dreams. Don't keep her on the fence.

 

She deserves much more then sitting on a fence until you decide what's best for *you*. That all you've done.... how is it working for you thus far?

[whichwayisup]

This OW was married when their affair started. Apparently her husband was abusive and OP helped her get out of her marriage. Sorry that she was abused by her husband but as for the affair? She's not an innocent victim in this. Only victim is OP's wife. OW is just as responsible for this affair. Fact too, she was the one who ended the affair not less than 2-3 weeks ago.

 

Quote from his other thread:

 

It was an emotional affair for a very long time, until late November, which crossed the physical line. However, though we came close, we never had sex. Eventually she decided to file for legal separation from her husband and through many battles which I supported her emotionally in, they finally split. She had wanted us to be together, but I told her that I couldn't leave my wife, because I cared deeply for her even though our marriage did not have passion.

 

He and she both cheated and had affairs on their spouses.

[Popsicle]

I don't believe he's done with the OW. I think he's probably scrambling to figure out how to continue both his marriage and the affair.

 

I'm not getting that feeling at all, since he's demonizing the OW.

Edited March 8, 2015 by Popsicle

[Lurkeraspect]

I'm not getting that feeling at all, since he's demonizing the OW.

 

Demonizing or sharing her insensitive character traits? Sounds like more of a wake up call to me.

[Popsicle]

Demonizing or sharing her insensitive character traits? Sounds like more of a wake up call to me.

 

I think he sees what he wants to see.

 

Which is why I never understood why he acted wishy washy to begin with.

 

It was always clear to me that he wanted his W, but she was boring him.

 

Now she's showing some emotion so he's not so bored with W. Hopefully he doesn't get bored again once things settle back down.

[Lurkeraspect]

Or maybe, just maybe, he's realizing what he was about to throw away on a woman who instead of showing an ounce of empathy for the BS was already picking out furnishings for her new digs with MM.

[Popsicle]

Or maybe, just maybe, he's realizing what he was about to throw away on a woman who instead of showing an ounce of empathy for the BS was already picking out furnishings for her new digs with MM.

 

I can't speak for her. Maybe she does have empathy but thinks he doesn't have empathy for W because he's thrown W under the bus during the whole A and told OW how wonderful she is, and now she is going along with that attitude? Maybe she thinks that's what he wants to hear and see. I don't know. There are many possibilities.

 

Either way, it was clear early on that he needed to be forced to make a decision. Whatever works to make that happen. This Dday is making it happen.

[Ruffian1]

"or sharing her insensitive character traits?"

Insensitive character traits? lol He has talked about how beautiful and intelligent and kind and caring and giving the OW was before d day.

 

 

Of course he has no insensitive character traits, he is perfection. That is why he has the right to judge and compare these two women on who would be the winner of the prize. What a conflict, who do I pick, I can't decide what flavor, can I have both

[obtuseedge]

Thank you everyone for your input. BTW, those who claim that my AP was simply an unwitting victim to my ruses are ABSOLUTELY DELUSIONAL. She is an intelligent and strong woman, and actively pursued me as I pursued her throughout the entire affair.

 

In fact, I did meet with her briefly today. She is still intent on pursuing me. I told her that I am committed to saving my marriage, to which she acknowledged, but said that she'd be there when it falls apart.

 

I told her that trying to end the romantic part with us has been very difficult, but my focus was to save my marriage, and she should learn to move on and not linger in the background ready to strike. It doesn't seem like she is getting the message.

 

Unfortunately, I still have not figured how my work situation will be like since I am stuck in two very lucrative projects with her, and I do not want to give that up. So absolute NC is not an option at this time.