Wife found out about affair

[obtuseedge]

You did this to her. She's desperate and acting out because she knows you're leaving her. Many have done the same when dumped. It happens.

 

You never talked about your wife and/or marriage n a negative way to her?? Come on!

 

I said I was done here but this post annoyed me so I had no choice.

 

I never ONCE badmouthed my wife to my AP. Though she often told me horror stories about her husband.

 

I told her that my wife and I had a good marriage, but it has been lacking passion for a long time. However, I have always said I loved and cared deeply for her, and that she was a very good wife to me, which is why I've always said I couldn't leave the marriage.

 

Like I mentioned before, I understand why she is acting out like this, and honestly, this situation is heartbreaking for me as well as I genuinely had deep feelings for her. However, at the same time, it's also very upsetting because it is a very delicate period.

[Midwestmissy]

Well my h never bad mouthed me either, he kept telling her he would never leave me. BUT, his actions told her that by sleeping with her he was willing to risk the marriage for her. That I wasn't so awful that I needed to be divorced, but crappy enough that I deserved infidelity. Quite a hook for the ow, and she bit.

 

As his partner of 25 years, I believed his words, had no reason not to. We fell in love when we were 19. As someone who had cheated on at least one other husband (she wrote it out in an email to him) she was savvier than I and went by his actions, which told her exactly what she wanted to hear. I was in new territory, she was on a familiar path.

 

Ouch. Just a lot of awful pain.

[SleekArchitecture]

I never ONCE badmouthed my wife to my AP. Though she often told me horror stories about her husband.

 

I told her that my wife and I had a good marriage, but it has been lacking passion for a long time. However, I have always said I loved and cared deeply for her, and that she was a very good wife to me, which is why I've always said I couldn't leave the marriage.

 

Like I mentioned before, I understand why she is acting out like this, and honestly, this situation is heartbreaking for me as well as I genuinely had deep feelings for her. However, at the same time, it's also very upsetting because it is a very delicate period.

 

 

Logically it does not matter if you talked badly about her or not. Having the affair alone was speaking loudly enough about the state of your marriage. I am not sure a I am in love with my wife but having an affair anyways is any better than having a terrible marriage, disliking your wife, and having an affair. I believe the latter means less cake eating and more authenticity to be honest.

[SleekArchitecture]

Well my h never bad mouthed me either, he kept telling her he would never leave me. BUT, his actions told her that by sleeping with her he was willing to risk the marriage for her. That I wasn't so awful that I needed to be divorced, but crappy enough that I deserved infidelity. Quite a hook for the ow, and she bit.

 

As his partner of 25 years, I believed his words, had no reason not to. We fell in love when we were 19. As someone who had cheated on at least one other husband (she wrote it out in an email to him) she was savvier than I and went by his actions, which told her exactly what she wanted to hear. I was in new territory, she was on a familiar path.

 

Ouch. Just a lot of awful pain.

 

 

I think men believe, well I never spoke poorly of her so the affair was less deceptive and my wife should feel more honored and less hurt. I say phooey.

[Rainbowlove]

I plan to eventually sit down with the OW when the dust settles and tell her that it is all over, to not contact me anymore, to forget about me and explain that I am moving on with my life. My wife knows I plan to do this. I plan to do it when I am ready in the next couple weeks or so as I get my office plans in place. However, the OW has been persistent in trying to contact me despite my wishes that we maintain NC.

 

I do feel that I owe her a final meeting because we did develop a deep connection that was both of our doing. In respect to that, I think I owe her a final face to face meeting to achieve closure.

 

I would strongly urge you not to do a face to face conversation.

 

Your number one priority is to make sure your wife feels safe. This means, she needs to be present regarding any conversation with the XAP.

 

It's not going to be a pleasant conversation and rest assured the talk won't necessarily guarentee anyone closure, but I do agree a conversation needs to be had; a very brief conversation so that you and your wife can close the door once and for all..and the OW as well.

[Midwestmissy]

Phooey is right sleek. I was not flattered.

[SolG]

I plan to eventually sit down with the OW when the dust settles and tell her that it is all over, to not contact me anymore, to forget about me and explain that I am moving on with my life. My wife knows I plan to do this. I plan to do it when I am ready in the next couple weeks or so as I get my office plans in place. However, the OW has been persistent in trying to contact me despite my wishes that we maintain NC.

 

I do feel that I owe her a final meeting because we did develop a deep connection that was both of our doing. In respect to that, I think I owe her a final face to face meeting to achieve closure.

 

Hi obtuseedge.

 

As a very recent (read: still hurting like a biatch) xOW, I really appreciate what you are trying to do here. And I think your W must be a pretty extraordinary woman to allow this where most BSs (in the throes of their understandable pain) would not. And I'm sure that there will be at least a few that pipe up to say it's a mistake. But I really don't think it has to be a mistake if used constructively.

 

If you and your W agree, are you able to text OW and let her know your plan to have a one off meet in a couple of weeks time? Ensuring that the text says that this meeting is something that you and your W have agreed on, and the purpose will be for you to explain more about your decision to cease the A and focus completely on your M. To upfront manage her expectations about the meeting and present you and your W as a team in this. End the text saying that until it's time to arrange the meeting, you will not be in contact and would appreciate it if she would do the same. Your energy at this time needs to and will be focussed completely on your M, and that her messages will be blocked. Then block the OW completely until you and your W are ready for the meeting to take place.

 

You sound like you have found a good therapist. He/she would probably be a good source of advice on strategies to handle the meeting with the OW to best get her to accept the circumstances. Whatever you decide, talk it through with your W; she should have veto if she's uncomfortable with anything.

 

Big note; this is not about closure. It is about you clearly articulating where you are at, your reasoning and actions going forward (ie, A is over and NC will apply). You cannot give her closure; it is up to her to learn her own lessons in her own way.

 

I know a lot of folk will say you owe the OW nothing. And this is true. I don't believe we owe anybody anything. However, I do believe we can and should endeavour make the outcome of our horrible mistakes a little less ****ty if we can. For ALL those we purported to care about.

 

And it's in your interests to do so in your circumstances. Handled correctly, this may stave off future intrusion by the OW to the detriment of you and your W's and your M's recovery.

 

Or it might not. OW might just be on the crazy train and nothing you can do or say will stop her! I don't think even this means you shouldn't try.

 

PS, I'm not at all implying that dealing with the OW should take up a disproportionate amount of effort at a time when your M should be firmly the focus. Indeed, I see dealing with the OW as a small, but integral part of that process.

 

Just my thoughts....

Edited March 11, 2015 by SolG

[obtuseedge]

Hi obtuseedge.

 

As a very recent (read: still hurting like a biatch) xOW, I really appreciate what you are trying to do here. And I think your W must be a pretty extraordinary woman to allow this where most BSs (in the throes of their understandable pain) would not. And I'm sure that there will be at least a few that pipe up to say it's a mistake. But I really don't think it has to be a mistake if used constructively.

 

If you and your W agree, are you able to text OW and let her know your plan to have a one off meet in a couple of weeks time? Ensuring that the text says that this meeting is something that you and your W have agreed on, and the purpose will be for you to explain more about your decision to cease the A and focus completely on your M. To upfront manage her expectations about the meeting and present you and your W as a team in this. End the text saying that until it's time to arrange the meeting, you will not be in contact and would appreciate it if she would do the same. Your energy at this time needs to and will be focussed completely on your M, and that her messages will be blocked. Then block the OW completely until you and your W are ready for the meeting to take place.

 

You sound like you have found a good therapist. He/she would probably be a good source of advice on strategies to handle the meeting with the OW to best get her to accept the circumstances. Whatever you decide, talk it through with your W; she should have veto if she's uncomfortable with anything.

 

Big note; this is not about closure. It is about you clearly articulating where you are at, your reasoning and actions going forward (ie, A is over and NC will apply). You cannot give her closure; it is up to her to learn her own lessons in her own way.

 

I know a lot of folk will say you owe the OW nothing. And this is true. I don't believe we owe anybody anything. However, I do believe we can and should endeavour make the outcome of our horrible mistakes a little less ****ty if we can. For ALL those we purported to care about.

 

And it's in your interests to do so in your circumstances. Handled correctly, this may stave off future intrusion by the OW to the detriment of you and your W's and your M's recovery.

 

Or it might not. OW might just be on the crazy train and nothing you can do or say will stop her! I don't think even this means you shouldn't try.

 

PS, I'm not at all implying that dealing with the OW should take up a disproportionate amount of effort at a time when your M should be firmly the focus. Indeed, I see dealing with the OW as a small, but integral part of that process.

 

Just my thoughts....

 

Thank you for your input. Yes, I do feel I owe her at least some closure.

 

What we had was intense, it was special and it was both of our doing. I feel great responsibility for it. I still care about her feelings, but know that I need to fix my marriage, so I can no longer have her in my life. It has been a heartbreaking situation all around.

[SleekArchitecture]

Phooey is right sleek. I was not flattered.

 

I would not be either. I am probably very different than others, but if a husband was to cheat on me, it better be because he hated me, and a divorce would follow, and if he loved me measurably and had an affair, the same story, a divorce would follow.

 

 

This man is waiting several weeks to tell her it is completely over. I have no earthly understanding of this. She knows it is over. Why wait several weeks and according to OP, she is trying to contact. I would think a phone call with the wife by the side immediately telling her it is over now would be proper. She will get a strong message, that will hurt in the present, but really help her move on much more quickly, like a jet.

[SleekArchitecture]

Thank you for your input. Yes, I do feel I owe her at least some closure.

 

What we had was intense, it was special and it was both of our doing. I feel great responsibility for it. I still care about her feelings, but know that I need to fix my marriage, so I can no longer have her in my life. It has been a heartbreaking situation all around.

 

I have heard a lot of BS in my life around the water cooler, but really, it wasn't special what you two shared, because if it was you would not be saying so I can no longer have her in my life I had thought I have heard it all, but this?

 

The best thing that could happen, we reap what we sow, is that when you beck and call this OW to re dump her in several weeks, she tells you to get lost.

[bentleychic]

I have heard a lot of BS in my life around the water cooler, but really, it wasn't special what you two shared, because if it was you would not be saying so I can no longer have her in my life I had thought I have heard it all, but this?

 

The best thing that could happen, we reap what we sow, is that when you beck and call this OW to re dump her in several weeks, she tells you to get lost.

But not in such nice words. lol

 

It's funny how some MM hang on the OW's every word, they are amazing, etc., etc. and act like the sun rises and sets on them...until the BS find out. Then the OW become horrible, "crazy"...insert any other derogatory description here that may make you/your BS feel better about things when you drop the OW like a hot potato.

 

Makes me sick, quite honestly.

[AprilTears]

I never ONCE badmouthed my wife to my AP. Though she often told me horror stories about her husband.

 

I told her that my wife and I had a good marriage, but it has been lacking passion for a long time. However, I have always said I loved and cared deeply for her, and that she was a very good wife to me, which is why I've always said I couldn't leave the marriage.

 

Like I mentioned before, I understand why she is acting out like this, and honestly, this situation is heartbreaking for me as well as I genuinely had deep feelings for her. However, at the same time, it's also very upsetting because it is a very delicate period.

 

If that's true then the OW was clearly grasping at anything to feel wanted and she possibly felt she could eventually change your mind.

 

Whatever the case, I get that it is painful and I still hope you get past it successfully.

 

One other thing. Are you sure it's safe to meet the OW face to face?? Maybe I watch too much Dateline or Snapped but it's worth asking...

 

By the way, I am not a BW. I saw that mentioned throughout this thread so felt like pointing it out.

[Ruffian1]

"Having the affair alone was speaking loudly enough about the state of your marriage."

 

He said his marriage was not bad, just stale. Why do cheaters always blame “The Marriage”. His BS was in the same “marriage” and she did not cheat. What does her actions say?

 

Infidelity is a decision that any cheater, male or female, makes for him or herself. Nobody can make anyone cheat!

 

 

But just as the OW didn't force him to cheat, the “marriage” didn't drive him to cheat. I have read many WS say their “marriage” was not bad but they cheated anyway.

 

He did it because he felt entitled to because he was feeling unfulfilled, OW was model beautiful and he is a man, they didn't communicate, etc

 

 

Actions always speak louder than words. You can interpret the actions however you want, doesn't make it the right interpretation.

Edited March 11, 2015 by Ruffian1

[SleekArchitecture]

"Having the affair alone was speaking loudly enough about the state of your marriage."

 

He said his marriage was not bad, just stale. Why do cheaters always blame “The Marriage”. His BS was in the same “marriage” and she did not cheat. What does her actions say?

 

Infidelity is a decision that any cheater, male or female, makes for him or herself. Nobody can make anyone cheat!

 

 

But just as the OW didn't force him to cheat, the “marriage” didn't drive him to cheat. I have read many WS say their “marriage” was not bad but they cheated anyway.

 

He did it because he felt entitled to because he was feeling unfulfilled, OW was model beautiful and he is a man, they didn't communicate, etc

 

 

Actions always speak louder than words. You can interpret the actions however you want, doesn't make it the right interpretation.

 

 

We have different philosophies. Stale hmmph as in stale bread, such a term of endearment. No communication and stale doesn't sound like a great marriage to me, but whatever floats one's boat. They are working on it. These men are much akin to a used car salesman and can sure sell a lot of BS to the Affair Partner and Wife.

[privategal]

Let me just explain to you a few things to ponder...

For one I noticed in your origional post where your AP broke it off...you call her intelligent, beautiful and KIND... Also SHE is under brutal stress and pressure divorcing her abusive spouse, being broken up with overnight by her best friend whom she loved...dont you see HOW that can create SITUATIONAL crazy unstabile behavior?

My xeap whom was also a colleague way back broke off our friendship post affair.

Ordinarily I am a ray of sunshine including eandom acts of kindness, helping others, optimistic kind and positive...but when he just up and dropped me...I went into crisis mode... I temporarily lost my !$&%,

I was DEVASTATED lost and confused, not prepared. It was like an out of body experience. I feel bad now that I lashed out, I couldn't deal with the trauma appropriately.

But I still care for people, am kind, help the sick, hold doors, try to be a wonderful friend, wife, dedicated employee and try and just contribute to the world in the best way...

Meaning...I am not crazy or unstable...I just fell apart. I knew I was being dumped and fell apart from pain and was WAY out of character.

 

Im not speaking from a morale perspective...we get one life, we are human, we make choices, we all have our differences and our own boundaries...

Im speaking of...just because YOU are stressed and under pressure doesn't mean overnight this kind, pretty, intelligent woman who loved you should be treated so coldly.

Furthermore my xeap went NC right away...I wouldn't want a face to face, Id just appreciate the courtesy and respect of a detailed apologetic letter letting me know I am not trash and it'd be fine if he clearly even stated he couldn't read or reply to more communication but just be clear where he stands and treat me as the friend he was and with courtesy and compassion.

 

Its ok to recommit to marriage but imo not ok to treat someone who treated you like a King to ve considered crazy and to be treated coldly when all she did was try and be with you and could not express herself calmly in her own crisis.

[beach]

Thank you for your input. Yes, I do feel I owe her at least some closure.

 

What we had was intense, it was special and it was both of our doing. I feel great responsibility for it. I still care about her feelings, but know that I need to fix my marriage, so I can no longer have her in my life. It has been a heartbreaking situation all around.

 

And since your intention is to work on the M then is your wife invited to this meeting with your OW or will it be a secret?

 

And have you blocked the OW from all forms of communicating with you?

[obtuseedge]

Let me just explain to you a few things to ponder...

For one I noticed in your origional post where your AP broke it off...you call her intelligent, beautiful and KIND... Also SHE is under brutal stress and pressure divorcing her abusive spouse, being broken up with overnight by her best friend whom she loved...dont you see HOW that can create SITUATIONAL crazy unstabile behavior?

My xeap whom was also a colleague way back broke off our friendship post affair.

Ordinarily I am a ray of sunshine including eandom acts of kindness, helping others, optimistic kind and positive...but when he just up and dropped me...I went into crisis mode... I temporarily lost my !$&%,

I was DEVASTATED lost and confused, not prepared. It was like an out of body experience. I feel bad now that I lashed out, I couldn't deal with the trauma appropriately.

But I still care for people, am kind, help the sick, hold doors, try to be a wonderful friend, wife, dedicated employee and try and just contribute to the world in the best way...

Meaning...I am not crazy or unstable...I just fell apart. I knew I was being dumped and fell apart from pain and was WAY out of character.

 

Im not speaking from a morale perspective...we get one life, we are human, we make choices, we all have our differences and our own boundaries...

Im speaking of...just because YOU are stressed and under pressure doesn't mean overnight this kind, pretty, intelligent woman who loved you should be treated so coldly.

Furthermore my xeap went NC right away...I wouldn't want a face to face, Id just appreciate the courtesy and respect of a detailed apologetic letter letting me know I am not trash and it'd be fine if he clearly even stated he couldn't read or reply to more communication but just be clear where he stands and treat me as the friend he was and with courtesy and compassion.

 

Its ok to recommit to marriage but imo not ok to treat someone who treated you like a King to ve considered crazy and to be treated coldly when all she did was try and be with you and could not express herself calmly in her own crisis.

 

I agree, despite what some here are saying.

 

Fact is, my input on this forum was a step by step reaction to the chaos that has been enveloping my life. Yes, some of my AP's recent behavior to the chaos has been extreme, but I can understand, she is also operating under heavy duress. In fact, everyone involved, her, my wife and I have been under extreme stress, confusion and heartbreak.

 

I haven't forgotten all the kind things she's done for me and my communication with her has acknowledged what we had, yet has been firm that things have to end and that my priority is my marriage.

[Ruffian1]

"No communication and stale doesn't sound like a great marriage to me."

 

Such is the reality of life and of marriages, they go through ebb and flow, high and lows, better and worse and the wear and tear . . good times and poor times exert outside influences. That is how reality is. No marriage, especially a long term one, is going to be all butter-flys and passion all the time.

 

 

Then add kids to the mix

[obtuseedge]

And since your intention is to work on the M then is your wife invited to this meeting with your OW or will it be a secret?

 

And have you blocked the OW from all forms of communicating with you?

 

No, my wife will not be joining. But she knows that I am planning to have a final meeting with her for closure, and will know when it will be once I have a new office selected.

 

My AP has continued to attempt to communicate with me, but I repeatedly tell her that I cannot keep in contact with her at this time. Some of it is work related though, so not all of it has to do with our personal issues. But the contact has been few and brief, especially considering how we used to be connected all day and every day.

[obtuseedge]

We have different philosophies. Stale hmmph as in stale bread, such a term of endearment. No communication and stale doesn't sound like a great marriage to me, but whatever floats one's boat. They are working on it. These men are much akin to a used car salesman and can sure sell a lot of BS to the Affair Partner and Wife.

 

No, I wouldn't say we had a great marriage. We met when we were quite young, and didn't know what we wanted in life yet. We kind of grew up together. Both of us, wife and I, have certain personality traits that eventually caused a wall in effective communication between us, and because of this, both of us found things outside our marriage to connect with and make us happy. Granted, she has not cheated on me, and I take full responsibility for my actions, but my friendship with my AP was a great source of happiness for me that was missing for a long time in my marriage.

 

I do genuinely love my wife which is why I want to try to work things out. I am just beginning to realize the source and extent of the issues which have caused a disconnect in our marriage.

[Lurkeraspect]

No, my wife will not be joining. But she knows that I am planning to have a final meeting with her for closure, and will know when it will be once I have a new office selected.

 

My AP has continued to attempt to communicate with me, but I repeatedly tell her that I cannot keep in contact with her at this time. Some of it is work related though, so not all of it has to do with our personal issues. But the contact has been few and brief, especially considering how we used to be connected all day and every day.

 

 

Those three little words...leave the door open, gives the OW hope that you'll resume the affair, and keeps her hanging on instead of moving on.

 

If your true goal is reconciliation to your wife and marriage, you really need to lose those three words when you have your "closure" conversation with the OW.

 

Are you done or just treading water and keeping all your options open?

[obtuseedge]

Those three little words...leave the door open, gives the OW hope that you'll resume the affair, and keeps her hanging on instead of moving on.

 

If your true goal is reconciliation to your wife and marriage, you really need to lose those three words when you have your "closure" conversation with the OW.

 

Are you done or just treading water and keeping all your options open?

 

When I say AT THIS TIME, I mean before the final closure meeting which will seal off contact.

[Lurkeraspect]

Thanks for the clarification. I truly wish you well.

[privategal]

IMO if you are firm in your decision and theres no option to stay with AP...the meeting will be far more painful and hurt you both more deeply.

A heartfelt letter with a firm closure should be enough to close the door.

I couldn't handle a meeting. He treated me similar to you without a dday and for me, I dont need him to see me upset or stand in front of him as he woukd normally hug me but this time would be cold and breaking my heart and stabbing my heart again, whats the point. The meeting seems dramatic when there can be no future friendship or contact. Just send a letter and be done and firm and mean it. Apologize and let her know your blocking for everyone's health and then just h o.

Might want to think of assigning another partner to be her contact and CLEARLY outline work communication or if possible just eliminate it all together.

Im glad your acknowledging shes not a monster at least.

Wishes for healing for your marriage.

[afoolto no end]

I would caution you against having the final meeting a lot of affairs have continued underground after those goodbye's and you seem like you could be still swayed with your feelings for her, I don't think it's a good idea for your marriage, just image the pain your wife will feel knowing you are there with her and going to work with her must just rip out her heart everyday. Her peace will never be there as long as you are in contact in any way……

Your affair needs to be exposed a no contact letter has to be sent and approved by your wife……and then you learn to fill each others needs the right way…..if you do this my friend you will know what happiness can be……….

someday you will be embarrassed and feel like just a dick for what you have done, I hope there are no children involved affairs affect the whole family.

Your wife won't forgive you if you appear compassionate about the woman's feeling that took her marriage over respecting hers and the marriage……what you do will make it harder or easier to recover, if your smart now you won't hurt your wife more than you need to……….

I don't know how long the affair went on but was it worth a long marriage, your wife sounds like she is standing with you when you have treated her very poorly, you owe her the same respect.