Wife found out about affair

[jan2012]

THANK YOU. Honestly, I came on this forum because I was struggling with this issue. Obviously there are a lot of people here who have experienced pain and betrayal and they are quick to form their judgements. That is fine. I have never claimed to be perfect, nor have I claimed to be righteous. I have also readily recognized that I have caused great harm.

 

As for "throwing the OW under the bus", I have not done that. I have only been reacting to how she has acted since D-Day, which is often in a very aggressive and insensitive manner. Honestly, there is more to her actions and words that I have declined to mention on this forum which has angered me in the past few days, but I'd rather not go in depth about it.

 

 

 

It isn't the OW's words that show you who she is,it is her choices and behavior that show you who she is and what her position is. Everyday she is contacting you, she is still on your team. Everyday that she doesn't contact you she is off your team. If she contacts you to let you know that she is over you, than it is her choice to contact you that tells you she is actually not over you.

 

Her words mean nothing if they don't match her behavior.

 

And the same goes for you. If you are still maintaining any contact towards her, than you are still on her team.

 

Ending a relationship doesn't mean anybody is throwing anybody under the bus, it means somebody is ending the relationship.

 

You are supposed to feel sad when ending a relationship. It is supposed to be a difficult period because you are withdrawing from what you are used to.

 

Just because it is difficult isn't a reason not to do it.

[truncated]

Relationships end. It's often extremely painful, and can result in lashing out, which is understandable. However, at some point, enough is enough. I'm not saying that your ex ow should just get over it- every person does that at their own pace and at their own time- but I am saying that there will come a point when she will have to let go of you and let you move on. She may need to grieve for a long time before her pain abates, but you meeting with her just keeps the pain alive, especially if you wait to do it.

 

If you must meet with her ( which it sounds more like you are doing to ease your guilty conscience than anything else) then do it soon. The longer the wait, the longer she is kept on the hook and the more it's going to hurt her. If she is starting to move on, meeting with her is just going to open the wound and bring all the pain back.

 

That's cruel. Write her a letter where you explain everything, making sure to say just what you mean so that she can't misinterpret your words. Don't leave any room for false hope, as that will keep her from healing. No "I will always care about you" or " you'll always hold a special place in my heart", as that might keep her stuck, which is cruel to her.

 

Kindly let her go and wish her well in her new and happy life.

 

As for your wife, if you are reconciling, her needs have to come first, not your ow. You need to shift from the affair partner mode to reconciling spouse mode. Those two things are not really compatible.

[Rainbowlove]

No, my wife will not be joining. But she knows that I am planning to have a final meeting with her for closure, and will know when it will be once I have a new office selected.

 

Ultimately, you will do what you do - but this is a very bad idea.

 

It's one thing to have a conversation closing things with the OW with your wife fully present, and it's another thing to go off with XAP and meet alone.

 

No one would ever recommend that at this point. You are making a grave mistake.

 

There is nothing that needs to be said face to face. Anything discussed should be said with your wife sitting right beside you listening to the entire conversation.

 

I urge you to discuss this with your counselor before you set up a meeting with XAP.

 

Why do you feel it's necessary to meet with her alone???

 

Also, that meeting will be very stressful for your wife. Bad, bad, bad thing to do while you are trying to prove she's the one you want.

 

WAKE UP!!!

 

You should be holding your wife's hand while you say goodbye forever to former affair partner.

 

Snap out of it, buddy.

[AprilTears]

Ultimately, you will do what you do - but this is a very bad idea.

 

It's one thing to have a conversation closing things with the OW with your wife fully present, and it's another thing to go off with XAP and meet alone.

 

No one would ever recommend that at this point. You are making a grave mistake.

 

There is nothing that needs to be said face to face. Anything discussed should be said with your wife sitting right beside you listening to the entire conversation.

 

I urge you to discuss this with your counselor before you set up a meeting with XAP.

 

Why do you feel it's necessary to meet with her alone???

 

Also, that meeting will be very stressful for your wife. Bad, bad, bad thing to do while you are trying to prove she's the one you want.

 

WAKE UP!!!

 

You should be holding your wife's hand while you say goodbye forever to former affair partner.

 

Snap out of it, buddy.

 

Agree 100%!

[elaine567]

Ultimately, you will do what you do - but this is a very bad idea.

 

It's one thing to have a conversation closing things with the OW with your wife fully present, and it's another thing to go off with XAP and meet alone.

 

No one would ever recommend that at this point. You are making a grave mistake.

 

There is nothing that needs to be said face to face. Anything discussed should be said with your wife sitting right beside you listening to the entire conversation.

 

I urge you to discuss this with your counselor before you set up a meeting with XAP.

 

Why do you feel it's necessary to meet with her alone???

 

Also, that meeting will be very stressful for your wife. Bad, bad, bad thing to do while you are trying to prove she's the one you want.

 

WAKE UP!!!

 

You should be holding your wife's hand while you say goodbye forever to former affair partner.

 

Snap out of it, buddy.

 

Setting up this meeting may be construed as planning on how you can take the A underground.

Many As after D day continue, but with increased vigilance regarding being found out. How does your wife, know that this is not what is being planned here?

 

Even if this is a Goodbye meeting, how is your wife going to handle you and the OM, tearfully hugging, professing undying love and maybe even having a farewell f**k together.

Even if this in reality turns out to be a cold staring match, angry words or a curt shake of the hands, then your wife's imagination is going to run wild.

[Rainbowlove]

Setting up this meeting may be construed as planning on how you can take the A underground.

Many As after D day continue, but with increased vigilance regarding being found out. How does your wife, know that this is not what is being planned here?

 

Even if this is a Goodbye meeting, how is your wife going to handle you and the OM, tearfully hugging, professing undying love and maybe even having a farewell f**k together.

Even if this in reality turns out to be a cold staring match, angry words or a curt shake of the hands, then your wife's imagination is going to run wild.

 

So true.

 

It's leaving your wife, who already is heartbroken and doesn't trust you, to imagine what's going on during the meeting instead of knowing what's going on.

 

Are you afraid of what your wife will hear if she's present during the conversation?

[Seachan]

In fairness to the OP, there are quite a few bitter BS on LS.

 

That's no big secret, is it??

 

They are only bitter because they love their WS's. If they didn't care, they wouldn't be bitter. They would be ho hum indifferent.

[beach]

No, I wouldn't say we had a great marriage. We met when we were quite young, and didn't know what we wanted in life yet. We kind of grew up together. Both of us, wife and I, have certain personality traits that eventually caused a wall in effective communication between us, and because of this, both of us found things outside our marriage to connect with and make us happy. Granted, she has not cheated on me, and I take full responsibility for my actions, but my friendship with my AP was a great source of happiness for me that was missing for a long time in my marriage.

 

I do genuinely love my wife which is why I want to try to work things out. I am just beginning to realize the source and extent of the issues which have caused a disconnect in our marriage.

 

So if you love your wife - want to feel more connected to her - and wish to build trust again = how do you think meeting alone with the OW accomplished that?

 

I don't think it can unless you invite your W to be WITH you when you meet.

 

Have you told your W you plan to meet with her?

[seekingpeaceinlove]

So you posted that you committed to working on your marriage with your wife by:

 

- Taking yourself off the 2 projects with AP

- Going NC with AP

- Going to Counseling

- Focusing on working with your wife on the marriage

 

YET you decided that it was a good idea to go and meet your AP.

 

You're not ready to cut off your AP and work on your marriage. If you were, you would have never met your AP. You took yourself off a lucrative project to go NC with your AP and save the relationship with your wife yet...you cave and meet up with this other woman.

 

Wrong move.

[pheonixrisen]

I plan to eventually sit down with the OW when the dust settles and tell her that it is all over, to not contact me anymore, to forget about me and explain that I am moving on with my life. My wife knows I plan to do this. I plan to do it when I am ready in the next couple weeks or so as I get my office plans in place. However, the OW has been persistent in trying to contact me despite my wishes that we maintain NC.

 

I do feel that I owe her a final meeting because we did develop a deep connection that was both of our doing. In respect to that, I think I owe her a final face to face meeting to achieve closure.

 

Did you not already meet with her ...how many meetings you plan to have ...I don't agree with this ...It can just as well be done with a closure letter...but if you and your w has agreed then it's better sooner rather than later ...and it's best you be ready for a fallout And tell your wife everything as the ow might go crazy as she is already not happy with nc

Edited March 11, 2015 by pheonixrisen

[Pinklotus]

Did you not already met with her ...how many meetings you plan to have ...I don't agree with this ...It can just as well be done with a closure letter...but if you and your w has agreed then it's better sooner rather than later ...and it's best you be ready for a fallout And tell your wife everything as the ow might go crazy as she is already not happy with nc

 

I agree with Phoenix. There is not a single reason why you need to meet with your AP to have closure or anything else! Would you for God's sake walk the walk and stop thinking about your AP? She was married at one point, you are married, you both knew it was wrong, you can just write her an email from just you, or even from you and your wife--stating that you are focusing on your marriage and asking her not to contact you. Wish her well and that is that!!!! Your wife can be with you as you write it and approve it. You can both sign it. Healing your marriage starts now with making your wife number one. It does not start with continuing to find reasons to see or speak to the OW.

 

Do NOT meet with her!!!!!

[MJJean]

I may be out in left field, but I have a take I think needs to be considered.

 

Let's call the OP's AP Sheila.

 

Sheila is a beautiful young woman. She has learned since her adolescence that her beauty gets her what she wants. She's been treated deferentially most of her life because of that beauty. She is also intelligent, clever, and ambitious, as described by the OP. So, perhaps she is a bit spoiled and manipulative. Perhaps she has realized that her beauty combined with behaving in certain ways, such as sweet and kind, gets her the adoration of the masses and enables her to use a combination of intelligence and manipulation to advance in life.

 

People of either gender naturally respond to beauty and projected kindness. It's how we're made. A person who is beautiful and projects intelligence and kindness can use that to their advantage and many do. She's probably been getting her way for a long time.

 

She meets an older lawyer, works for him, and marries him. He worships her supports her through her education, and she begins a career separate from him. Her career is going well and her star is on the rise. She no longer needs the dead weight of her starter husband.

 

What if she decided starter husband outlived his usefulness and that she wanted to trade up to a younger, more handsome, equally successful, model?

 

She sees the OP at work, decides she wants him, and implements a plan. If you read the other thread, she was the one originally on the big project and she was the one who asked OP be brought on board. She said she was very taken with him when she first saw him. Looks to me like she manipulated the project manager in order to bring the OP into close contact with her on a daily basis.

 

The relationship begins. They fall "in love". She tells him how he's a God to her. She strokes his ego and pushes his buttons. She starts talking about her abusive husband. Remember, from the other thread, the husband DID NOT physically abuse her, he allegedly emotionally abused her. And we've all said no one really knows what goes on in someone else's marriage.

 

What if he didn't? What if she exaggerated or made it all up? What if that's the story she is giving as part of her "You're a God, my Prince Charming, my Angel" manipulations when in reality she merely used and was in the process of discarding the starter husband for a new model?

 

As time goes by, despite the stated intentions of OP, she thinks she has him good and hooked, that he will leave his wife as soon as she is free because he can't resist her, and she tosses her starter husband out on his ear.

 

When OP didn't show signs of leaving, she decides to step up her game. She faux ends the relationship in an effort to force the OP to come to her. He doesn't, but he doesn't break off contact, either. So, she thinks she still has a shot. But she's becoming more and more desperate because her plan isn't working out like she hoped.

 

When the OP tries to break it off, she starts pulling out the big guns. " I can't do this without you. I need you. You're all I have."

 

Then D-Day. Now, she is giddy because she is sure the OP will have to come to her. Only he tells her he is going to work on his marriage. Her bad behavior and machinations escalate into empty threats of self harm and threats of going to his home.

 

Look, she admitted to lying her butt off about her suicidal feelings. She admitted to lying when she said she wanted to break it off and that it was just an attempt to get OP to leave his marriage. She has admitted he was brought in on the project at her request after she saw him and was taken by him. She has also stated she sees a future for them as a real couple, etc. etc. I don't think my theory is too much of a stretch. I think she saw what she wanted and used every means at her disposal to get it.

 

I also wonder how long her supposedly abusive husband will be out of the house. After all, she says he's been desperately trying to win her back. The OP isn't the only one keeping a spouse on the back burner just in case. I'd bet if the OP sticks to his plan to save his marriage she will be back with her H within 3 months unless she sees something else she likes and decides to go after it.

 

Also, I'd like to point out that the loss of two lucrative projects is totally your fault, OP. You had to know that a workplace affair could blow up in your face and possibly delay or ruin your professional ambitions. You pissed in your own well and fouled the water. Now you have to dig a new well.

 

Either way, theory right or wrong, this chickie is toxic and needs to be cut firmly and completely out of the OP's life for his marriage to have a chance.

[Doublegold]

Seems to me he is still hoping she takes that job somewhere else and that is why he has not closed the door here. He mentioned a face to face meeting for closure in a few weeks? That is going to be after she leaves her job for your benefit--I presume?

[beach]

Meeting with her at all signals in her mind that you are making effort for her.

 

You are sending the wrong message to her if you meet.

 

She will think you care enough to get together.

 

This isn't congruent with working on your M - it's congruent with trying to keep BOTH the M and the A ACTIVE.

 

 

A person looking to end it simply vanishes. No response no effort = it IS over!

 

 

Your W may be weak and timid now in her way she's expecting you to participate. I hope she can become strong enough to have a solid boundary that helps herself.

[obtuseedge]

I may be out in left field, but I have a take I think needs to be considered.

 

Let's call the OP's AP Sheila.

 

Sheila is a beautiful young woman. She has learned since her adolescence that her beauty gets her what she wants. She's been treated deferentially most of her life because of that beauty. She is also intelligent, clever, and ambitious, as described by the OP. So, perhaps she is a bit spoiled and manipulative. Perhaps she has realized that her beauty combined with behaving in certain ways, such as sweet and kind, gets her the adoration of the masses and enables her to use a combination of intelligence and manipulation to advance in life.

 

People of either gender naturally respond to beauty and projected kindness. It's how we're made. A person who is beautiful and projects intelligence and kindness can use that to their advantage and many do. She's probably been getting her way for a long time.

 

She meets an older lawyer, works for him, and marries him. He worships her supports her through her education, and she begins a career separate from him. Her career is going well and her star is on the rise. She no longer needs the dead weight of her starter husband.

 

What if she decided starter husband outlived his usefulness and that she wanted to trade up to a younger, more handsome, equally successful, model?

 

She sees the OP at work, decides she wants him, and implements a plan. If you read the other thread, she was the one originally on the big project and she was the one who asked OP be brought on board. She said she was very taken with him when she first saw him. Looks to me like she manipulated the project manager in order to bring the OP into close contact with her on a daily basis.

 

The relationship begins. They fall "in love". She tells him how he's a God to her. She strokes his ego and pushes his buttons. She starts talking about her abusive husband. Remember, from the other thread, the husband DID NOT physically abuse her, he allegedly emotionally abused her. And we've all said no one really knows what goes on in someone else's marriage.

 

What if he didn't? What if she exaggerated or made it all up? What if that's the story she is giving as part of her "You're a God, my Prince Charming, my Angel" manipulations when in reality she merely used and was in the process of discarding the starter husband for a new model?

 

As time goes by, despite the stated intentions of OP, she thinks she has him good and hooked, that he will leave his wife as soon as she is free because he can't resist her, and she tosses her starter husband out on his ear.

 

When OP didn't show signs of leaving, she decides to step up her game. She faux ends the relationship in an effort to force the OP to come to her. He doesn't, but he doesn't break off contact, either. So, she thinks she still has a shot. But she's becoming more and more desperate because her plan isn't working out like she hoped.

 

When the OP tries to break it off, she starts pulling out the big guns. " I can't do this without you. I need you. You're all I have."

 

Then D-Day. Now, she is giddy because she is sure the OP will have to come to her. Only he tells her he is going to work on his marriage. Her bad behavior and machinations escalate into empty threats of self harm and threats of going to his home.

 

Look, she admitted to lying her butt off about her suicidal feelings. She admitted to lying when she said she wanted to break it off and that it was just an attempt to get OP to leave his marriage. She has admitted he was brought in on the project at her request after she saw him and was taken by him. She has also stated she sees a future for them as a real couple, etc. etc. I don't think my theory is too much of a stretch. I think she saw what she wanted and used every means at her disposal to get it.

 

I also wonder how long her supposedly abusive husband will be out of the house. After all, she says he's been desperately trying to win her back. The OP isn't the only one keeping a spouse on the back burner just in case. I'd bet if the OP sticks to his plan to save his marriage she will be back with her H within 3 months unless she sees something else she likes and decides to go after it.

 

Also, I'd like to point out that the loss of two lucrative projects is totally your fault, OP. You had to know that a workplace affair could blow up in your face and possibly delay or ruin your professional ambitions. You pissed in your own well and fouled the water. Now you have to dig a new well.

 

Either way, theory right or wrong, this chickie is toxic and needs to be cut firmly and completely out of the OP's life for his marriage to have a chance.

 

I think you are correct on some points, though I do not think she is as intentionally malicious or manipulative as your storyline suggests, and I also know that her husband was indeed abusive, not loving and beset with personality and substance abuse issues.

 

Here is a fact. She certainly does know how to use her beauty to get her things in life. In fact, she has disclosed to me that entering our office, she was looking for a "mentor" who would also feel romantic feelings for her and take her under his wing. I also know for a fact that she did not have romantic feelings for her soon to be ex-husband, but she started out as his secretary, he ardently pursued her, and she decided to shack up with him because he seemed powerful and on the rise. He indeed was very successful for a while, but evidently he eventually broke down because of his personality and substance abuse issues. He also was emotionally abusive to her and not supportive in her education, though he did foot the bill for it (actually now that I think of it, that seems quite contradictory). Anyways, he is out of the picture and she is definitely not going back to him.

 

Also, during the course of our courtship, she has mentioned several times the intense frustration she felt because she was developing feelings for me, and later on admitted that she wanted it to work only one way. However, I don't think this is as manipulative as it sounds as she was frustrated because she was married and didn't feel it was right to be cheating. Fact is, I was the first man she truly romantically loved and this was not an act.

 

Anyways, whether I see her one last time or not is rather irrelevant. This affair won't be going underground because as soon as I join a new office, I will replicate the team that I created in my current one as I was the primary leader of it. Soon, me and her will be in rivalry so that fact by itself will discount any underground affair ongoing.

 

I am still very heartbroken but I feel confident I made the right decision. Sometimes I do miss her, but now that I've had a chance to stand back and look at things at a more neutral anger, there certainly are major differences between me and her which would never have worked out, although the chemistry was fantastic.

[Rainbowlove]

This affair won't be going underground because as soon as I join a new office, I will replicate the team that I created in my current one as I was the primary leader of it. Soon, me and her will be in rivalry so that fact by itself will discount any underground affair ongoing.

 

Did you really say this??

 

This is the wrong answer for not taking your affair underground.

 

How's counseling going?

[obtuseedge]

Did you really say this??

 

This is the wrong answer for not taking your affair underground.

 

How's counseling going?

 

Counseling is going well. I look forward to it.

 

No, it is not the wrong answer. My mind right now is focused on fixing my marriage and career. Soon, my AP and I will be on opposite ends of a rivalry, and that will be both heartbreaking and definitely the end of any possibility of a resumption of an affair.

[obtuseedge]

I think you are correct on some points, though I do not think she is as intentionally malicious or manipulative as your storyline suggests, and I also know that her husband was indeed abusive, not loving and beset with personality and substance abuse issues.

 

Here is a fact. She certainly does know how to use her beauty to get her things in life. In fact, she has disclosed to me that entering our office, she was looking for a "mentor" who would also feel romantic feelings for her and take her under his wing. I also know for a fact that she did not have romantic feelings for her soon to be ex-husband, but she started out as his secretary, he ardently pursued her, and she decided to shack up with him because he seemed powerful and on the rise. He indeed was very successful for a while, but evidently he eventually broke down because of his personality and substance abuse issues. He also was emotionally abusive to her and not supportive in her education, though he did foot the bill for it (actually now that I think of it, that seems quite contradictory). Anyways, he is out of the picture and she is definitely not going back to him.

 

Also, during the course of our courtship, she has mentioned several times the intense frustration she felt because she was developing feelings for me, and later on admitted that she wanted it to work only one way. However, I don't think this is as manipulative as it sounds as she was frustrated because she was married and didn't feel it was right to be cheating. Fact is, I was the first man she truly romantically loved and this was not an act.

 

Anyways, whether I see her one last time or not is rather irrelevant. This affair won't be going underground because as soon as I join a new office, I will replicate the team that I created in my current one as I was the primary leader of it. Soon, me and her will be in rivalry so that fact by itself will discount any underground affair ongoing.

 

I am still very heartbroken but I feel confident I made the right decision. Sometimes I do miss her, but now that I've had a chance to stand back and look at things at a more neutral anger, there certainly are major differences between me and her which would never have worked out, although the chemistry was fantastic.

 

My initial response was posted without these important elements.

 

Also, during the course of our courtship, she has mentioned several times the intense frustration she felt because she was developing feelings for me, and later on admitted that she wanted it to work only one way. However, I don't think this is as manipulative as it sounds as she was frustrated because she was married and didn't feel it was right to be cheating. Fact is, I was the first man she truly romantically loved and this was not an act. However, it isn't like the love my wife has for me which is deep and genuine, and regardless of my many flaws. I remember a conversation we had months ago, and because my AP was always very interested in the thoughts I shared with her, I said she was a Sapiosexual, one who loves intelligence. I remember she thought about it, and the next day said No, actually, what I really am attracted to is power. And the reason why I think I'm the first man she's truly romantically loved is because not only did I represent all these traits of power to her, but I was also physically her equal in attractiveness which she has never had, as most have described me as objectively handsome, I am over 6 feet tall with an athletic physique with a deep voice. On top of that, I truly loved her for some time and wrote her poems and showed her amazing experiences, so her love for me was real. But enduring? Maybe not. I am not sure she knows enough about the nature of love and relationships to see beyond her current feelings of "wanting and needing me".

 

I am still very heartbroken but I feel confident I made the right decision. Sometimes I do miss her, but now that I've had a chance to stand back and look at things at a more neutral anger, there certainly are major differences between me and her which would never have worked out, although the chemistry was fantastic.

[SleekArchitecture]

It is a blessing in disguise, this break up. It is a pattern, one mistake to another, one loser to another. She will learn and down the road if the deck is stacked in favor, she may find a truly remarkable guy in her life.

 

I wish her the best.

[stillmind]

No matter which way I look at it I just can't see any positive side to meeting with her. I mean...

 

1. You meet with her to give her "closure", firmly reiterate your stance on breaking things off with her, effectively getting her hopes up and dumping her a second time. Meanwhile your wife is at home fretting and wondering if you're reigniting the affair.

 

2. You meet up with her and the contact with her reignites the spark. She manipulates you (by pleading with you, claiming self harm, or by trying to make you jealous of potential other lovers) and you drag things on with her. You tell her that you still need NC "for now" but that you will meet her again in the future, again leaving both women dangling on the hook and your options open for rekindling the affair when your wife's suspicions die down.

 

3. You meet up with her. You realize you can't face breaking up with her a second time, and you take the affair underground.

 

I think you're hoping what will happen will be this ideal solution:

 

4. You meet up with her. You both rationally discuss the situation and agree that it is best for everyone to move on and heal. You shake hands politely and leave. Your wife welcomes you at home, eager to prove that she is the woman for you.

 

But do you honestly think this is what will happen? Really? I don't mean any offense, but if you and your OW were both able to control your attraction for one another and look at your relationship objectively you would never have had an affair in the first place.

 

I don't see this meeting as being good for anyone. It's cruel to your wife. It's cruel to OW to break NC only to dump her again. It's just a crappy thing to do. Write a letter if you need to express yourself fully and give her closure. This plan stinks.

[SleekArchitecture]

My initial response was posted without these important elements.

 

Fact is, I was the first man she truly romantically loved and this was not an act. However, it isn't like the love my wife has for me which is deep and genuine, and regardless of my many flaws. But enduring? Maybe not. I am not sure she knows enough about the nature of love and relationships to see beyond her current feelings of "wanting and needing me".

 

I see there are still the unfair comparisons going, which to me is how I figure all married cheaters see this, as an excuse in their heads to go ahead and Use another to get off, ejaculate, then ah ha unfairly they do not have the deep and genuine love and care of my BS. As if we are some outer space creatures without any capacity of that ever happening.

 

My affair partner said something similar about his roommate wife, we have so much history and have been through so much together.

 

 

Well,no ****e Sherlock really?, how in the heck do you expect to get to that deep and genuine relationship without risk and time. I have read enough in this message particular board to get it. These affairs are without a doubt one of the most insane, ridiculous, disgusting, sad, spine crushers, most useless waste of life.

[81West]

The OW is a human being who is likely in pain and certainly the person with the least power in this turn of events. Of course she deserves a final meeting for true closure if she wants one. I recognize that the arguments about the pain and worry for the OP's wife are fair and true, but the fact is she married a man who was capable of cheating on her and she's electing to stay and repair the relationship. She's responsible for who she married, responsible for her half of the marriage, and responsible for her decision to stay. Unfortunately because of all that she has to endure a bit more hurt in this instance because the OP also created an moral obligation to his AP by engaging in the affair in the first place. It's ugly and unfair, but frankly I wouldn't want to be married to a man who not only makes his AP walk the plank one day, but pushes her off it to ease his own way.

[Rainbowlove]

Unfortunately because of all that she has to endure a bit more hurt in this instance because the OP also created an moral obligation to his AP by engaging in the affair in the first place. It's ugly and unfair, but frankly I wouldn't want to be married to a man who not only makes his AP walk the plank one day, but pushes her off it to ease his own way.

 

Sorry to disagree.

 

His wife has and will be deeply hurt by his affair forever - reconciliation or not.

 

She's choosing her family. That's her choice, yes, but she should not be subjected to her WH meeting the XAP without her present. I wish I could tel her that. I hope someone tells her that.

 

He's screwing up this 2nd chance she's giving him and I hope his wife realizes it and puts her foot down immediately and stops this "meeting".

 

His wife needs a wake-up call.

[81West]

Sorry to disagree.

 

His wife has and will be deeply hurt by his affair forever - reconciliation or not.

 

She's choosing her family. That's her choice, yes, but she should not be subjected to her WH meeting the XAP without her present. I wish I could tel her that. I hope someone tells her that.

 

He's screwing up this 2nd chance she's giving him and I hope his wife realizes it and puts her foot down immediately and stops this "meeting".

 

His wife needs a wake-up call.

 

I get that there will be disagreement, and I respect and understand it. But I also think it lacks empathy, so it's never a route my own mind would take.

[obtuseedge]

Sorry to disagree.

 

His wife has and will be deeply hurt by his affair forever - reconciliation or not.

 

She's choosing her family. That's her choice, yes, but she should not be subjected to her WH meeting the XAP without her present. I wish I could tel her that. I hope someone tells her that.

 

He's screwing up this 2nd chance she's giving him and I hope his wife realizes it and puts her foot down immediately and stops this "meeting".

 

His wife needs a wake-up call.

 

I think everyone here is reading way more into this "closure" meeting than necessary.

 

Fact is, I will STILL have to see her in person regardless. Because I need to pack out things in my office, she will be there. The meeting I was talking about will likely be a half hour meeting at a cafe next door to simply talk about how this will end and my final decision.