Wife found out about affair

[stillmind]

I don't understand why anyone in their right mind would want to be dumped not once but TWICE and after weeks of painful NC. If she has made any progress on her healing I don't think she'll want to meet. He's holding out a bone, and if she accepts this degrading re-dumping meeting she's going to be hoping for a second bite at it.

[Rainbowlove]

I also think it lacks empathy, so it's never a route my own mind would take.

 

I have empathy for the OW - without question.

 

I just think now is the time for the OP to put his focus on his wife, but I think he's too busy staring at himself in a mirror to really see beyond anyone else right now...

 

This guy's poor wife. I hope she has some good friends, strong family and damn good divorce attorney.

 

I don't see this going well at all.

[SleekArchitecture]

I don't understand why anyone in their right mind would want to be dumped not once but TWICE and after weeks of painful NC. If she has made any progress on her healing I don't think she'll want to meet. He's holding out a bone, and if she accepts this degrading re-dumping meeting she's going to be hoping for a second bite at it.

 

 

An immediate NC letter or phone call with wife at hand is all that is necessary. I know it will be knife piercing painful and a big Penicillin dose, shot of reality, but it will help her to move on like a tornado.

 

This is too drawn out, as the world spins, drama. I mean really, this woman has got to be thinking, God just shoot me down now.

[obtuseedge]

I don't understand why anyone in their right mind would want to be dumped not once but TWICE and after weeks of painful NC. If she has made any progress on her healing I don't think she'll want to meet. He's holding out a bone, and if she accepts this degrading re-dumping meeting she's going to be hoping for a second bite at it.

 

I am not meeting her to dump her "twice". She has consistently sent me emails saying she believes we are destined together. Clearly, although we are in NC, she is still very intent on us being together.

 

Secondly, I will have to see her anyways because I will have to go back to the office to tender my resignation and pack. I will have to see her and the rest of my team.

[SleekArchitecture]

I am not meeting her to dump her "twice". She has consistently sent me emails saying she believes we are destined together. Clearly, although we are in NC, she is still very intent on us being together.

 

Secondly, I will have to see her anyways because I will have to go back to the office to tender my resignation and pack. I will have to see her and the rest of my team.

 

 

Have your wife write her the NC letter, written by both of you to her before you have to see you again. I bet you a yacht, this described beauty, woman of Troy, men drop to their knees in her presence, will not have a word for you at your next meeting, and no chance of silly unrequited embarrassing begging on her part. She may well have buried the hatchet, and you dropped off that steep pedestal she only imagined.

[stillmind]

I am not meeting her to dump her "twice". She has consistently sent me emails saying she believes we are destined together. Clearly, although we are in NC, she is still very intent on us being together.

 

Secondly, I will have to see her anyways because I will have to go back to the office to tender my resignation and pack. I will have to see her and the rest of my team.

 

You are definitely dumping her again. She desperately wants to be with you and you're going to get her hopes up, meet and tell her that you will NEVER be with her, right? That sounds like dumping to me. Harsh.

 

Or are you meeting with her to keep her sweet so that you can start the affair again in the future?

[obtuseedge]

You are definitely dumping her again. She desperately wants to be with you and you're going to get her hopes up, meet and tell her that you will NEVER be with her, right? That sounds like dumping to me. Harsh.

 

Or are you meeting with her to keep her sweet so that you can start the affair again in the future?

 

I have not mentioned any final meeting to her. It is only expected though that I will see her again because I need to go back to the office. That's when I'll likely have my closure talk with her.

[Rainbowlove]

She has consistently sent me emails saying she believes we are destined together. Clearly, although we are in NC, she is still very intent on us being together.

 

Are you responding to her emails?

[SleekArchitecture]

I have not mentioned any final meeting to her. It is only expected though that I will see her again because I need to go back to the office. That's when I'll likely have my closure talk with her.

 

 

Do you not understand a final well written, in depth, NC letter of both you and your wife telling her no contact, it is a nail in the coffin, go away, will ensure you no need for a final meeting. She may even call in sick that day to avoid you herself, and moved on to greener pastures.

[SleekArchitecture]

Whelp, we have a new affair definition, cake eating to the very end. Cakeeatingtotheveryend. Like pig Latin. Pig snot.

[truncated]

I think you are correct on some points, though I do not think she is as intentionally malicious or manipulative as your storyline suggests, and I also know that her husband was indeed abusive, not loving and beset with personality and substance abuse issues.

 

Here is a fact. She certainly does know how to use her beauty to get her things in life. In fact, she has disclosed to me that entering our office, she was looking for a "mentor" who would also feel romantic feelings for her and take her under his wing. I also know for a fact that she did not have romantic feelings for her soon to be ex-husband, but she started out as his secretary, he ardently pursued her, and she decided to shack up with him because he seemed powerful and on the rise. He indeed was very successful for a while, but evidently he eventually broke down because of his personality and substance abuse issues. He also was emotionally abusive to her and not supportive in her education, though he did foot the bill for it (actually now that I think of it, that seems quite contradictory). Anyways, he is out of the picture and she is definitely not going back to him.

 

Also, during the course of our courtship, she has mentioned several times the intense frustration she felt because she was developing feelings for me, and later on admitted that she wanted it to work only one way. However, I don't think this is as manipulative as it sounds as she was frustrated because she was married and didn't feel it was right to be cheating. Fact is, I was the first man she truly romantically loved and this was not an act.

 

Anyways, whether I see her one last time or not is rather irrelevant. This affair won't be going underground because as soon as I join a new office, I will replicate the team that I created in my current one as I was the primary leader of it. Soon, me and her will be in rivalry so that fact by itself will discount any underground affair ongoing.

 

I am still very heartbroken but I feel confident I made the right decision. Sometimes I do miss her, but now that I've had a chance to stand back and look at things at a more neutral anger, there certainly are major differences between me and her which would never have worked out, although the chemistry was fantastic.

 

 

So let's get this straight ( and please, check your ego at the door).

 

She is a user. She used her soon to be ex husband to pay for her education and get her foot in the door of her career. She likely sensed his weak character, and took advantage of that. Then she sees you.

 

 

In her yes, you are the next stepping stone she can use on her advancement to where she wants to be in life. She arranges things so she can spend time with you, learn about you and start planting seeds in your mind about a potential affair. In you, she saw another person she could use and manipulate.

 

You say he threats of self harm were just to get you to meet with her? I'm sorry, but that is absolutely disgusting. I don't care how upset you are. That, right there, sums her up in a nutshell. Manipulative and she will say whatever it takes to get her own way. Heck, she was good enough to make you think she was serious about hurting her self so that you'd go running to her side, and you did.

 

If she would lie about that, what else would she lie about? She doesn't love you, much as it stokes your ego to think that she does. You are just a rung on her ladder, and it makes me wonder who else she has done this with. Oh that's right, you are the love of her life, she never did anything like this before, blah, blah, blah:rolleyes:

[Cinnimon]

Oh I'm sure the Ow is a crazy manipulative liar NOW. She obviously turned that way over night or was it when his wife found out. Funny how NOW he see's her in this light, maybe because they HAD SEX and PILLOW TALK, with the lights off. BW in pain, Ow in pain , common denominator?

[Pinklotus]

I think everyone here is reading way more into this "closure" meeting than necessary.

 

Fact is, I will STILL have to see her in person regardless. Because I need to pack out things in my office, she will be there. The meeting I was talking about will likely be a half hour meeting at a cafe next door to simply talk about how this will end and my final decision.

 

Obtuse, I'm afraid your handle is spot-on.

 

Any marriage counselor would tell you that meeting with her is a big mistake, and that you are kidding yourself. Closure should be swift and approved by your spouse. There is absolutely no reason to meet with this person. Seeing her at work is a very different kettle of fish. You do not need to go to a cafe. You should not be investing one more minute of time in this person. You should be only concerned with your wife's feelings. Many marriage counsellors suggest having the married couple write the NC letter together: Dear Sheila, We are working on our marriage. Please do not attempt to contact either one of us. We wish you the best. Sincerely, Obtuse and Wife.

 

If you write it alone, your wife should see the letter and approve it. You should also be giving her your passwords to phone and all email accounts. You need to be transparent and it needs to start now. Stop f$&@ing around and get over yourself and this other woman. Put your money where your mouth is.

[Pinklotus]

Sorry to disagree.

 

His wife has and will be deeply hurt by his affair forever - reconciliation or not.

 

She's choosing her family. That's her choice, yes, but she should not be subjected to her WH meeting the XAP without her present. I wish I could tel her that. I hope someone tells her that.

 

He's screwing up this 2nd chance she's giving him and I hope his wife realizes it and puts her foot down immediately and stops this "meeting".

 

His wife needs a wake-up call.

 

Have to agree with Rainbowlove. There is no moral obligation to the OW. Remember, the OP engaged in an extramarital affair with her? The only moral obligation he has is to his wife. It's over and it's time to move on. A simple NC is all that is required, and his wife should be involved in either the writing or allowed to see it when it is sent. Honestly I've never heard such nonsense and I hope that his wife asserts herself and realizes that she doesn't need to put up with this crap!

[beach]

I have not mentioned any final meeting to her. It is only expected though that I will see her again because I need to go back to the office. That's when I'll likely have my closure talk with her.

 

I would think that "closure" has already been clear.

 

Or have you left it too open ended for her?

 

In other words - have you specifically told her "it is over!"? Or not?

[81West]

Have to agree with Rainbowlove. There is no moral obligation to the OW. Remember, the OP engaged in an extramarital affair with her? The only moral obligation he has is to his wife. It's over and it's time to move on. A simple NC is all that is required, and his wife should be involved in either the writing or allowed to see it when it is sent. Honestly I've never heard such nonsense and I hope that his wife asserts herself and realizes that she doesn't need to put up with this crap!

 

We all have moral obligations to everybody we invite to become vulnerable to us. Some choose not to honour that to smooth their own way. Others encourage others not to honour that for their own reasons. Your're all wrong to do so, in my view. The OW deserves a fair, compassionate and clear letting go, within reason. A final meeting where there is a short opportunity for dialogue and the expression of whatever she needs to express is well within reason.

[obtuseedge]

So let's get this straight ( and please, check your ego at the door).

 

She is a user. She used her soon to be ex husband to pay for her education and get her foot in the door of her career. She likely sensed his weak character, and took advantage of that. Then she sees you.

 

 

In her yes, you are the next stepping stone she can use on her advancement to where she wants to be in life. She arranges things so she can spend time with you, learn about you and start planting seeds in your mind about a potential affair. In you, she saw another person she could use and manipulate.

 

You say he threats of self harm were just to get you to meet with her? I'm sorry, but that is absolutely disgusting. I don't care how upset you are. That, right there, sums her up in a nutshell. Manipulative and she will say whatever it takes to get her own way. Heck, she was good enough to make you think she was serious about hurting her self so that you'd go running to her side, and you did.

 

If she would lie about that, what else would she lie about? She doesn't love you, much as it stokes your ego to think that she does. You are just a rung on her ladder, and it makes me wonder who else she has done this with. Oh that's right, you are the love of her life, she never did anything like this before, blah, blah, blah:rolleyes:

 

She isn't a demon. She isn't an angel. She is a multi faceted person with both flaws and good qualities. Just like I am. Just like everybody is here, even those who sit on a high horse acting high and mighty. I am sure they have also failed somewhere in life.

 

All the facts that I've revealed here are true. The negative sides of her, as well as the many kind and loving things she has done. She is a human being. God knows I've committed many sins in this affair, so certainly, neither of us are angels. We were both married when this began.

[Rainbowlove]

She isn't a demon. She isn't an angel. She is a multi faceted person with both flaws and good qualities. Just like I am. Just like everybody is here, even those who sit on a high horse acting high and mighty. I am sure they have also failed somewhere in life.

 

All the facts that I've revealed here are true. The negative sides of her, as well as the many kind and loving things she has done. She is a human being. God knows I've committed many sins in this affair, so certainly, neither of us are angels. We were both married when this began.

 

Right.

 

Are you still emailing her when she emails you?

[obtuseedge]

We all have moral obligations to everybody we invite to become vulnerable to us. Some choose not to honour that to smooth their own way. Others encourage others not to honour that for their own reasons. Your're all wrong to do so, in my view. The OW deserves a fair, compassionate and clear letting go, within reason. A final meeting where there is a short opportunity for dialogue and the expression of whatever she needs to express is well within reason.

 

I have sent her a good bye letter that firmly told her that as difficult as this is, it is over, and I plan to be entirely devoted to saving my marriage. I also wished her the best of luck in life and in finding the right man.

 

I have not proposed any meeting and I do not plan to. However, if I should return to the office to get my things and she wants a short talk to find closure, I will grant her that.

[jan2012]

Why didn't you mention it to your wife? It would have been a good opportunity to show the OW you and your wife as a united front.

 

Instead you keep your wife in the dark again and when - not if - she finds out she will feel that much more used, hurt and betrayed.

Because you are still going behind her back.

Trust me, I've been in your wife's shoes.

 

He didn't tell his wife because after he shares that info, his wife would tell him he has to cut it off, and he knows that.

 

The choice to end it can create an experience almost as fulfilling as the affair itself. As the AP professes her undying and desperate love and throws herself at him, he can continue the feelings of desire and control over another person.

 

If you can draw out the time it takes to break it off with the AP, than you can keep the drama going on in your life a bit longer. You can say that you have been open an honest and just didn't want to hurt your spouse any more, and that the continued contact was the right thing to do for the AP.

 

Of course by definition, the person who chooses to be an AP knows that they are not in a position receive considerations, but it is rather the cheating spouse who can buy more time with this explanation for continuing the contact.

 

In all fairness, it is really hard to cut it all off. You really have to know who you are, what you want, and have the resolve to end it. People that get themselves in this position in the first place are not necessarily going to have those attributes built in to them.

[obtuseedge]

He didn't tell his wife because after he shares that info, his wife would tell him he has to cut it off, and he knows that.

 

The choice to end it can create an experience almost as fulfilling as the affair itself. As the AP professes her undying and desperate love and throws herself at him, he can continue the feelings of desire and control over another person.

 

If you can draw out the time it takes to break it off with the AP, than you can keep the drama going on in your life a bit longer. You can say that you have been open an honest and just didn't want to hurt your spouse any more, and that the continued contact was the right thing to do for the AP.

 

Of course by definition, the person who chooses to be an AP knows that they are not in a position receive considerations, but it is rather the cheating spouse who can buy more time with this explanation for continuing the contact.

 

In all fairness, it is really hard to cut it all off. You really have to know who you are, what you want, and have the resolve to end it. People that get themselves in this position in the first place are not necessarily going to have those attributes built in to them.

 

I've already cut if off in an email I sent her. She said if that is my final decision, she will move on. So it's ended.

 

Now I have to move on to fixing my marriage.

[awkward]

I give advice in this forum every once in awhile. Rarely does the OP follow it. I realize we all do things are own way. But a lot of the time, I will see people come back and say I wish I had followed that advice.

 

1. Write a NC letter. If you meet with OW, there is a huge chance that you could lose your wife over it. It is a gamble that many MM who want to save their marriage wouldn't risk.

 

Dear OW,

 

Our affair is over. I am working on my marriage. Do not ever contact me or my wife.

 

Sincerely,

MM

 

2. Block OW's email, phone, social media, etc.

 

3. Tell your wife that you met with OW.

 

4. Be honest and transparent about everything.

 

5. Tell your wife to google surviving infidelity.

 

I know you are going to do this your own way and will probably ignore all of that great advice. I hope you at least do #5 for your wife.

[obtuseedge]

I give advice in this forum every once in awhile. Rarely does the OP follow it. I realize we all do things are own way. But a lot of the time, I will see people come back and say I wish I had followed that advice.

 

1. Write a NC letter. If you meet with OW, there is a huge chance that you could lose your wife over it. It is a gamble that many MM who want to save their marriage wouldn't risk.

 

Dear OW,

 

Our affair is over. I am working on my marriage. Do not ever contact me or my wife.

 

Sincerely,

MM

 

2. Block OW's email, phone, social media, etc.

 

3. Tell your wife that you met with OW.

 

4. Be honest and transparent about everything.

 

5. Tell your wife to google surviving infidelity.

 

I know you are going to do this your own way and will probably ignore all of that great advice. I hope you at least do #5 for your wife.

 

It's over. I wrote a final response to a last letter she sent two days ago which urged me to think of the magical moments we shared and that we were destined to be together.

 

I wrote her a final email stating plainly that although difficult, this was a hard decision and I have decided to save my marriage and we will both need to move on.

 

She has responded that if that was my final decision, she would move on.

 

So it is over. There will be no meeting.

[awkward]

It's over. I wrote a final response to a last letter she sent two days ago which urged me to think of the magical moments we shared and that we were destined to be together.

 

I wrote her a final email stating plainly that although difficult, this was a hard decision and I have decided to save my marriage and we will both need to move on.

 

She has responded that if that was my final decision, she would move on.

 

So it is over. There will be no meeting.

 

I am glad to hear it. Perhaps you, your wife, and OW can now start the healing process. I wish you all luck.

[afoolto no end]

If what you say is true you will not take anymore calls, block emails and phone#'s finished means finished not I'll check or it's okay to read and email or text that is lying that it is over…………I see you still in contact is that going to stop for real?