Wife found out about affair

[obtuseedge]

maybe faking it wasn't the right word, maybe I should have said meet all the needs until it feels second nature something you look forward to doing, they have led a very separated disconnected emotional lives…….it will probably take a bit to change the way they both feel and have felt in the past relationship, this will take a little time, I said fake it until because one might quit or bail or zone out like he said he was doing…………..you understand you do until you fall in love again, even if you don't feel it right away or it's awkward. Being in love respecting the relationship will come ….reconnecting is very blissful……sometimes MC waste a lot of time on family background, it has nothing to do with what happened in the affair It was because of poor boundaries around OW and a selfish entitlement …….it was self serving …….that is easy to fix if you get it

 

Well, we have talked about our feelings again tonight. I have expressed my doubts and all of the things going through my head, such as the pain I've caused her, what she may be feeling, what I am feeling, the doubts I have had, the conflicting emotions I've had, to sometimes missing my xAP. I was being totally honest, and it is because I don't want her to simply think my head is in the place where she wants it to be. I don't want her to have that illusion. I want her to know what kind of inner struggles I'm going through and how I'm rationalizing it. She is encouraging me to speak to some friends who are encouraging me to work things out at home, and also to continue my counseling to find out what I really want.

[beach]

Well, we have talked about our feelings again tonight. I have expressed my doubts and all of the things going through my head, such as the pain I've caused her, what she may be feeling, what I am feeling, the doubts I have had, the conflicting emotions I've had, to sometimes missing my xAP. I was being totally honest, and it is because I don't want her to simply think my head is in the place where she wants it to be. I don't want her to have that illusion. I want her to know what kind of inner struggles I'm going through and how I'm rationalizing it. She is encouraging me to speak to some friends who are encouraging me to work things out at home, and also to continue my counseling to find out what I really want.

 

Why does your W want to stay in this M so badly?

 

Since she doesn't show encouraging change - what's the point? You've hurt her deeply - yet she doesn't want to improve the M with counseling? She doesn't intent to try hard to communicate with you more often?

 

What is it? Is it that she has financial security and by staying she has money?

 

I'm baffled as to why she wants it to work so badly yet will stay even if it doesn't improve. With no change it will definitely stay the same.

 

What are her top priorities in a M? Just to say she's married?

 

Have you two read the five love languages? You should read it together. I'd be curious as to what her form of language is... And yours too... It could help your R to read some books together - especially since she won't do counseling.

[obtuseedge]

Why does your W want to stay in this M so badly?

 

Since she doesn't show encouraging change - what's the point? You've hurt her deeply - yet she doesn't want to improve the M with counseling? She doesn't intent to try hard to communicate with you more often?

 

What is it? Is it that she has financial security and by staying she has money?

 

I'm baffled as to why she wants it to work so badly yet will stay even if it doesn't improve. With no change it will definitely stay the same.

 

What are her top priorities in a M? Just to say she's married?

 

Have you two read the five love languages? You should read it together. I'd be curious as to what her form of language is... And yours too... It could help your R to read some books together - especially since she won't do counseling.

 

It's been a recurring issue with our relationship through the years. My wife is a very self-righteous person and is good with dishing out criticism but cannot handle the slightest criticism back. This has seriously damaged honest communication between us through the years. It has also caused resentment on my part. Although this isn't an excuse for cheating, but this is part of the reason why communication between us has broken down.

 

My wife is very much focused on a stable marriage. She does love me greatly and really cares about me. I know this because she does all kinds of things that shows that she cares about me. She also is someone who really hates changed plans, and abhors the idea of being divorced. So she is absolutely committed to making this marriage work.

 

However, she's also self righteous, cannot handle criticism and is absolutely sure of what she wants. So she claims she doesn't need any counseling, only I do.

[elaine567]

It is very typical to say everything you are saying when you are disconnecting from your fantasy……..it isn't you it's because you have been getting your needs met elsewhere, what do you expect you would feel for your wife, your feeling sorry for yourself……you don't need a MC, you need to fill each others needs right now, you will see how quickly you can turn this around your wife sounds like she is giving you a gift to save you from yourself……take it, be thankful, someday in the future you will get down on your knees and thank her for standing with you in your stupidest days……..

women need affection, conversation, they need to know they are important worth anything …..especially after an affair…….do things when your wife doesn't expect it, flowers, her special foods, little notes hidden to find when your not there, clean her car……fix something she wants fixed…….when you make any kind of decision ask for her advice and preference.

bring movies home, sit together, hold her had…….

have a new rule in the house, hug in the morning and one before bed…..that human touch goes a long way, steal a kiss…….

look good, smell good…….you fake it until the feelings for you return……..

don't throw everything away for 6 months, the grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence it's just grass………….don't waste anymore of your life or your future on pretending you don't know what you want, you do, you always have. If something needs fixing you put the effort into fixing it and you will see how happy you really can be………be the leader in this for now……..in every marriage one person has to carry the other this is your turn to stand with her for her show her she is loved and that you made a huge mistake

 

All those things should have been done BEFORE he embarked on the affair. Starting to "charm" his wife now is going to appear false and perhaps a sign of just more deceit; she I guess will not be impressed.

He cannot now see, speak to or sleep with the AP after d day, so he now has to turn his attention back to the wife. She is going to feel like his second choice for a long time and a fake charm offensive on his part is just going to make things worse. Imo.

I guess flowers at this point in time

will go straight in the bin.

[SleekArchitecture]

maybe faking it wasn't the right word, maybe I should have said meet all the needs until it feels second nature something you look forward to doing, they have led a very separated disconnected emotional lives…….it will probably take a bit to change the way they both feel and have felt in the past relationship, this will take a little time, I said fake it until because one might quit or bail or zone out like he said he was doing…………..you understand you do until you fall in love again, even if you don't feel it right away or it's awkward. Being in love respecting the relationship will come ….reconnecting is very blissful……sometimes MC waste a lot of time on family background, it has nothing to do with what happened in the affair It was because of poor boundaries around OW and a selfish entitlement …….it was self serving …….that is easy to fix if you get it

 

I read the words fake it and it brought up memories of my faking it for far too long in a marriage with a certified diagnosed malignant narcissist. At the end, marriage counseling was able to (shocked he went) open up doors for me to run like the wind. He went to tell her how fabulous he was and started telling her everything that was wrong with her and how she should come see him for therapy. And she ended up telling me off the record to not scoot, but jump on a stallion and run.

He also was very good at buying and buying and buying me things, but completely void on the inside to do anything more that flowers, dresses from boutiques, purses. Those failed to impress.

This is why I stress it needs to come from deep within, the heart.

[SleekArchitecture]

I have read that you have been honest with your wife several times about thinking of the OW, mourning the loss, and needing to get over that. Can you put yourself in her shoes?

 

I mention in her shoes, because let's pretend she had the affair, you found out, and she told you this exact thing. Can you imagine the insult and pain of hearing that about an OM.

 

I, in honesty, do not know how she held up hearing that, I would have told you to get the h... out and go mourn and miss her somewhere else.

 

If she is one to hold all in, get ready for an out of the blue, explosion. It may be shocking.

[afoolto no end]

I agree with Sleek on this one, hearing that must have crushed her more, this is what I warn you against think long and hard about what you say to her, she will add all those things up and make her own decision about you and your worth, right now she has no trust, she is right you need the help with wanting to stay in the marriage, she may need help learning how to conduct herself in order to respect you but that is a marital problem that can be worked out, your feelings of disconnect for the marriage has to be dealt with before anything can be worked out…….

your in the affair fog I would give yourself at least a month without any contact with the OW and see how you feel, maybe your not up for this kind of love .

do you have any kids?

[obtuseedge]

I have read that you have been honest with your wife several times about thinking of the OW, mourning the loss, and needing to get over that. Can you put yourself in her shoes?

 

I mention in her shoes, because let's pretend she had the affair, you found out, and she told you this exact thing. Can you imagine the insult and pain of hearing that about an OM.

 

I, in honesty, do not know how she held up hearing that, I would have told you to get the h... out and go mourn and miss her somewhere else.

 

If she is one to hold all in, get ready for an out of the blue, explosion. It may be shocking.

 

Yes, I have put myself in her shoes. I have told her that I know she feels great pain because of the betrayal, deception, and probably feels threatened by this other woman that suddenly came in the picture and feeling compared to her. However, at the same time I tell her I want to be honest, that I sometimes miss her because she was somebody who was receptive to my thoughts and feelings for a long time. I know she doesn't want to hear this and I don't say it to hurt her. But faking my emotions for a long time has definitely not helped my marriage, and faking it now just to try to make things work, I just don't see how that's a good thing.

 

I think I need to be as transparent as possible, even if it hurts our relationship, and move forward and see where things go.

[velvette]

Yes, I have put myself in her shoes. I have told her that I know she feels great pain because of the betrayal, deception, and probably feels threatened by this other woman that suddenly came in the picture and feeling compared to her. However, at the same time I tell her I want to be honest, that I sometimes miss her because she was somebody who was receptive to my thoughts and feelings for a long time. I know she doesn't want to hear this and I don't say it to hurt her. But faking my emotions for a long time has definitely not helped my marriage, and faking it now just to try to make things work, I just don't see how that's a good thing.

 

I think I need to be as transparent as possible, even if it hurts our relationship, and move forward and see where things go.

 

 

This is a cowardly/passive aggressive way to get what you want from your wife all wrapped up in the guise of being honest.

 

 

Your wife will ultimately need to unlearn her habits with regard to judgement/criticism at least as it applies to you. However, this is the way she currently navigates the world and wherever it came from(likely family of origin) it makes her feel safe. She is not going to be bending over backwards to change that while you are making her feel so unsafe.

 

 

One person can change a marriage. Go to your counselor. Take this whole thread. Get help unlearning your reaction to her criticism. Your reaction of shutting down while somewhat normal is no healthier than her criticizing you.

 

 

You are responsible for protecting your own boundaries and explaining calmly to your wife that when she talks to you that way it hurts you and makes it difficult for you to be open, intimate etc with her.

 

 

Stand up for yourself in a mature, kind way and your wife will have little choice but to change.

[truncated]

Yes, I have put myself in her shoes. I have told her that I know she feels great pain because of the betrayal, deception, and probably feels threatened by this other woman that suddenly came in the picture and feeling compared to her. However, at the same time I tell her I want to be honest, that I sometimes miss her because she was somebody who was receptive to my thoughts and feelings for a long time. I know she doesn't want to hear this and I don't say it to hurt her. But faking my emotions for a long time has definitely not helped my marriage, and faking it now just to try to make things work, I just don't see how that's a good thing.

 

I think I need to be as transparent as possible, even if it hurts our relationship, and move forward and see where things go.

 

 

Um, there is being transparent, and then there is being hurtful.

 

What your are saying to her will be translated by her hurt and pain into something like....yes, I know you are hurt, but what about ME ...I miss the woman I cheated on you with, and the affair happened because of you and what you did. Its your own fault you are in this mess.

[starglider]

Dear OP

 

It sounds to me that both you and your WS are doing pretty well right now given what a crises you are both in.

 

The next 4-6 weeks will be terribly hard and try not to make any major decisions right now. Also, try to filter through/filter out too much advice and "shoulds" from other people and keep trusting yourself. Every situation is different and even people you trust the most may not have insights that will help in your situation. In your core, something is trying to steer you on the right course and hopefully you can listen to that and trust it.

 

I'd imagine continuing NC with OW would be very important, even though you're going through a withdrawal of her. Try hard not to get more fixes from contact with her.

 

I think IC is also very useful and maybe there are other fellowships with meetings that can be useful to you right now if you've identified other issues that might be going on.

 

Don't worry at this stage about MC and about your wife not wanting to do IC right now. Just worry about yourself for now.

 

You probably are depressed and going through withdrawal. Exercise or XANAX helps. Maybe anti-depressants will too.

 

As for zoning out, that makes sense as well. Maybe you need a few nights a week sleeping elsewhere or agree to be under the same roof doing your own thing. Then set up time for intentional family time together. In small doses. Then you won't feel the pressure to be "on" and fake so much. I had to do too much forced family time and resorted to a candy crush addiction on my iphone - I needed more zone out time myself.

 

Good luck. I think you are off to a good start.

[beach]

How do you plan to GROW the marriage - get it to a new/better place when your W is resistant to getting input from a professional?

 

Does she expect you to do all the work and grow on your own? What if you grow and she doesn't? What happens IF she stays the same non communicative, self righteous individual you describe her as? Is that enough for you to be happy with the union?

[Tayla]

OP, use your get out of jail card and leave the marriage. There is nothing but heartache for the wife, and the. insensitive talks are not helping.

[purplesorrow]

How do you plan to GROW the marriage - get it to a new/better place when your W is resistant to getting input from a professional?

 

Does she expect you to do all the work and grow on your own? What if you grow and she doesn't? What happens IF she stays the same non communicative, self righteous individual you describe her as? Is that enough for you to be happy with the union?

 

I don't blame his wife for not going to MC ...yet. He is in no condition to work on his marriage right now. He is still mourning his ow. His wife is probably still in shock. With time when both are in a better state mentally and emotionally then MC will be beneficial. I too refused MC initially. We both did IC first.

[truncated]

Dear OP

 

It sounds to me that both you and your WS are doing pretty well right now given what a crises you are both in.

 

The next 4-6 weeks will be terribly hard and try not to make any major decisions right now. Also, try to filter through/filter out too much advice and "shoulds" from other people and keep trusting yourself. Every situation is different and even people you trust the most may not have insights that will help in your situation. In your core, something is trying to steer you on the right course and hopefully you can listen to that and trust it.

 

I'd imagine continuing NC with OW would be very important, even though you're going through a withdrawal of her. Try hard not to get more fixes from contact with her.

 

I think IC is also very useful and maybe there are other fellowships with meetings that can be useful to you right now if you've identified other issues that might be going on.

 

Don't worry at this stage about MC and about your wife not wanting to do IC right now. Just worry about yourself for now.

 

You probably are depressed and going through withdrawal. Exercise or XANAX helps. Maybe anti-depressants will too.

 

As for zoning out, that makes sense as well. Maybe you need a few nights a week sleeping elsewhere or agree to be under the same roof doing your own thing. Then set up time for intentional family time together. In small doses. Then you won't feel the pressure to be "on" and fake so much. I had to do too much forced family time and resorted to a candy crush addiction on my iphone - I needed more zone out time myself.

 

Good luck. I think you are off to a good start.

 

 

OP, ( and starglider)

 

i understand the recommendation about the antidepressants and anti anxiety drugs, but please, donèt think of taking those without having a very frank discussion with your doctor about them. Tell them why you need them, as ( take this from personal experience) tranquilizers and anti anxiety meds are not right for every situation, and antidepressants take a few weeks to really do much. Some people have really adverse reactions to them, and right now, it sounds like that would just add to the pile of issues.

 

 

Also, this reconciliation, if it is to work, has to be about more than just you and your feelings. If you are going to leave for a few nights sleeping else where, that will cut your wife to the core, and she may well never trsut you.

 

Think of it from her point of view. Its like saying to her that you just ended an affair- or so you say- and she should trust that when you say you need a few nights a week away somewhere else. If you were in her shoes, how would you feel if you heard that

[obtuseedge]

Dear OP

 

It sounds to me that both you and your WS are doing pretty well right now given what a crises you are both in.

 

The next 4-6 weeks will be terribly hard and try not to make any major decisions right now. Also, try to filter through/filter out too much advice and "shoulds" from other people and keep trusting yourself. Every situation is different and even people you trust the most may not have insights that will help in your situation. In your core, something is trying to steer you on the right course and hopefully you can listen to that and trust it.

 

I'd imagine continuing NC with OW would be very important, even though you're going through a withdrawal of her. Try hard not to get more fixes from contact with her.

 

I think IC is also very useful and maybe there are other fellowships with meetings that can be useful to you right now if you've identified other issues that might be going on.

 

Don't worry at this stage about MC and about your wife not wanting to do IC right now. Just worry about yourself for now.

 

You probably are depressed and going through withdrawal. Exercise or XANAX helps. Maybe anti-depressants will too.

 

As for zoning out, that makes sense as well. Maybe you need a few nights a week sleeping elsewhere or agree to be under the same roof doing your own thing. Then set up time for intentional family time together. In small doses. Then you won't feel the pressure to be "on" and fake so much. I had to do too much forced family time and resorted to a candy crush addiction on my iphone - I needed more zone out time myself.

 

Good luck. I think you are off to a good start.

 

Thank you. This is honestly what I am going through.

 

Honestly, I go through major mood swings. Sometimes I wake up and I feel extremely committed to making my marriage work. I think about how good my wife has been, our history, a future together and I want to make it right.

 

Sometimes I have flashbacks to the deep emotional connection between me and my xAP and I miss her greatly. I wonder if I can ever find that with my wife because it was deeper than what we've ever had. It makes me want to leave.

 

Right now I am not trusting my impulses. I think I need time, more counseling and making the right decision. If I stay in this marriage, I want to make sure I am 100% ready to be the best husband I can be for my wife and also that I can be happy staying in it, because otherwise, what is the point?

[truncated]

btw, are you also giving her an opportunity to let you know how she is feeling about the affair and also the things you do that have led to your marriage becoming what it is without countering with a " yes, i cheated , but you did x, y and z and that's why it happened"

[obtuseedge]

This is a cowardly/passive aggressive way to get what you want from your wife all wrapped up in the guise of being honest.

 

 

Your wife will ultimately need to unlearn her habits with regard to judgement/criticism at least as it applies to you. However, this is the way she currently navigates the world and wherever it came from(likely family of origin) it makes her feel safe. She is not going to be bending over backwards to change that while you are making her feel so unsafe.

 

 

One person can change a marriage. Go to your counselor. Take this whole thread. Get help unlearning your reaction to her criticism. Your reaction of shutting down while somewhat normal is no healthier than her criticizing you.

 

 

You are responsible for protecting your own boundaries and explaining calmly to your wife that when she talks to you that way it hurts you and makes it difficult for you to be open, intimate etc with her.

 

 

Stand up for yourself in a mature, kind way and your wife will have little choice but to change.

 

There's nothing passive aggressive about it, we had a full on argument about those issues.

 

Anyways, I do mention that I do miss my xAP, but I do not bring about hurtful details nor do I rub it in her face. I am just being honest. I also tell her I recognize that it is impossible to compare the feelings of the affair to that of a marriage because they are two different things.

 

I'm not going to shower her with gifts and flowers and recite poetry just to make sure she's ok. I know she is hurting, I tell her I've been reading about what kind of pain she's going through. I tell her I feel tremendously guilty about it.

 

My major priority right now is honest communication, transparency, and continuing to get counseling so I can figure out how to move forward.

[obtuseedge]

OP, ( and starglider)

 

i understand the recommendation about the antidepressants and anti anxiety drugs, but please, donèt think of taking those without having a very frank discussion with your doctor about them. Tell them why you need them, as ( take this from personal experience) tranquilizers and anti anxiety meds are not right for every situation, and antidepressants take a few weeks to really do much. Some people have really adverse reactions to them, and right now, it sounds like that would just add to the pile of issues.

 

 

Also, this reconciliation, if it is to work, has to be about more than just you and your feelings. If you are going to leave for a few nights sleeping else where, that will cut your wife to the core, and she may well never trsut you.

 

Think of it from her point of view. Its like saying to her that you just ended an affair- or so you say- and she should trust that when you say you need a few nights a week away somewhere else. If you were in her shoes, how would you feel if you heard that

 

I do not plan to take anti-depressants. I know how harmful they are. My brother fell into a severe depression several years ago and was put on anti-depressants and almost committed suicide.

 

I also do not plan to go anywhere the next few weeks. Even though she probably hates me right now, my wife needs me at this time. I am not going to suddenly just move out, although there are moments when I feel like escaping the situation.

 

I plan to stay at home. Continue interacting and communicating with my wife. Getting counseling and figuring my life out.

[obtuseedge]

btw, are you also giving her an opportunity to let you know how she is feeling about the affair and also the things you do that have led to your marriage becoming what it is without countering with a " yes, i cheated , but you did x, y and z and that's why it happened"

 

We talk about that regularly. She has communicated many times how hurt she is, what her thoughts are, how disgusted she is by me, how betrayed she feels, how she feels about my xAP.

 

I try not to bring up my issues with her in the relationship unless we start talking about where we went wrong. I bring up the issues with communication. But that's not the bulk of what we talk about.

[obtuseedge]

How do you plan to GROW the marriage - get it to a new/better place when your W is resistant to getting input from a professional?

 

Does she expect you to do all the work and grow on your own? What if you grow and she doesn't? What happens IF she stays the same non communicative, self righteous individual you describe her as? Is that enough for you to be happy with the union?

 

I haven't figured out how we are going to GROW the marriage.

 

The fact is, my wife is essentially the same person as when I met her 12 years ago. She doesn't like change. She prides herself on the fact that she never changes, she thinks this stability is a good thing. I think there are pros and cons to it. But it's also another issue which has led to fracture in our relationship because I've changed and grown enormously from when we first met, even if we shared those experiences together through the years. I think it primarily has to do with the fact that I'm a very curious person and like new experiences, while she prefers stability and feeling protected.

[minimariah]

The fact is, my wife is essentially the same person as when I met her 12 years ago. She doesn't like change.

 

i don't think your marriage will survive this... to be honest.

not even because of the A but because i get the feeling that you think that things won't change, no matter what. you didn't even give your W the chance to fix things and change. these issues need to be adressed & you need to tell her everything. okay, she things she doesn't need to change - but you need to tell her that you think she DOES. let her know how serious it is.

 

you aren't focused on your M, you're focused on you & finding out what you want. which just tells me that this M isn't something you're sure of and you need to be sure in order to make it work.

 

i think you need some single time, alone time. maybe you'll end up with your xAP, maybe you won't. but i'm pretty sure you won't end up with your W.

[obtuseedge]

i don't think your marriage will survive this... to be honest.

not even because of the A but because i get the feeling that you think that things won't change, no matter what. you didn't even give your W the chance to fix things and change. these issues need to be adressed & you need to tell her everything. okay, she things she doesn't need to change - but you need to tell her that you think she DOES. let her know how serious it is.

 

you aren't focused on your M, you're focused on you & finding out what you want. which just tells me that this M isn't something you're sure of and you need to be sure in order to make it work.

 

i think you need some single time, alone time. maybe you'll end up with your xAP, maybe you won't. but i'm pretty sure you won't end up with your W.

 

As heartbreaking as it is, that is a possibility. All these years, she's been the one really satisfied with the marriage, really committed, really happy with everything.

 

I've always been the one dissatisfied. A lot of it has to do with our general personalities. I am intellectually curious, she is not. She loves stability and security, I like adventure and discovery. She sees the world in Black and White, i see the world in all shades of grey (no pun intended). I continually seek change and growth personally, she takes pride in staying the same person, considers herself more reliable and dependable (she has an INTENSE HATRED for flaky people, she's ended a lot of friendships because the person flaked out on an appt or was very late).

 

So obviously, there are many issues to us connecting, which has led me to be very dissatisfied. When I met my xAP, she was very kind, understanding and receptive to all of my thoughts and ideas, and although it wasn't right, it felt very soothing and happy for me. I felt like a part of me was stimulated which has not been all these years.

Edited March 15, 2015 by obtuseedge

[minimariah]

I've always been the one dissatisfied. A lot of it has to do with our general personalities. I am intellectually curious, she is not. She loves stability and security, I like adventure and discovery. She sees the world in Black and White, i see the world in all shades of grey (no pun intended). I continually seek change and growth personally, she takes pride in staying the same person, considers herself more reliable and dependable (she has an INTENSE HATRED for flaky people, she's ended a lot of friendships because the person flaked out on an appt or was very late).

 

the thing that i don't understand - how did you even make it with your W for more than a decade then? i've had this exact relationship you're describing (i'm like you & my partner was like your W) & we didn't even last a year. why even marrying someone you're THAT different from?

 

you probably don't see it - but your posts come off as insults to your W, even though you don't mean it that way. you're basically saying she never developed and grew as a person while you did. your description of her NOW is very different from your description of her in your early posts.

 

i honestly knew this would happen - the inital shock and pain are slowly fading away and you're getting used to the idea of moving on. you saw nothing really happened when the truth got out, no one died, the Earth is still moving and the Sun still rises every morning. it's clear from your posts that you don't want your W or your M, it gets more clear with each post.

 

that's why i think you'll eventually leave. now... will you end up with your xAP? probably. but be careful not to sing this same tune with her 10 years from now.

[starglider]

you aren't focused on your M, you're focused on you & finding out what you want. which just tells me that this M isn't something you're sure of and you need to be sure in order to make it work.

 

The OP was/is in love with two women at the same time. It is a heart-breaking quandry to be in and is very destabilizing for anyone who has experienced this. To me it makes sense that he isn't sure of his opinion on the M .... YET. That doesn't mean his M is for sure doomed. It is a tangled up ball of yarn that has to be dealt with.

 

And OP, your response to MiniMariah's comment in examining your own views with your compatibility between your W vs xAP also shows you are still idealizing your AP and so your wife will certainly seem "worse" in comparison. That is still the fog of the A and the addiction that is over-riding your brain.

 

In six weeks hopefully you'll revisit the comparisons you've been making and may see things differently. Just don't let yourself believe you are clearly evaluating either of their merits/faults through the lens of clarity at this point.

 

So much will change many many times each day for the next 4-6 weeks while you are in limbo.

 

Hang in there.