Wife found out about affair

[Riri90]

 

For most people, who walk away from the AP, they do become the devil who nearly helped ruin their life.

 

Your man's wife kicked him out. Good on her.

 

If he chose you, why did she have to kick him out? He should have left her and returned to you. No?

 

Anyway, OP -

 

Get yourself into intense counseling.

 

I think that speaks volumes about the MP, IMO. NOW that you have chosen your spouse over the AP, they are the devil? That is just another form of blame shifting.

 

The OP does not see his exOW as the devil, because he takes 100% responsbility. if you own up to the bad mistakes you made, how can you feel ok referring to another person as the devil? When they are just human, working through their mistskes just like you?

 

If the OW/OM is the devil once the affair ends...then the MM/MW is the devil x 2 because they are married and makes it that much worse. (I don't agree with that, but if we follow that line of thinking...well here we are).

[minimariah]

You absolutely can choose who you fall in love with.

 

no, you can't. just like you assumed that my life is "ruled by emotions" based on my posts - i will assume your life is completely ruled by reason based on yours. i can agree to disagree about many things but some stuff you're writing are just wrong - which is why i react and debate because hopefully, some of this will help the OP somehow and make him REALLY think about his own feelings & wishes.

 

i'm sorry if i come off as rude, it was never my intention. it's simply a debate and i'm not saying that my opinions are right or true - i'm here to learn and think, just like everyone else.

 

Most people do not pursue love with every person they are attracted to or feel chemistry with.

 

and this is why you can choose who you WON'T fall in love with - but you can't choose who you WILL fall in love with and i consider this to be a fact. for one simple reason - i have never seen anyone go "okay... see that dude in a yellow shirt? he had everything on my check list and i'm going to fall in love with him starting now"! in order to fall in love you need to find that person attractive, feel some kind of romantic connection and chemistry and THAT (in my opinion) cannot be created out of nowhere, forced or faked... no matter how much time you spend together or how much you communicate. you either have it or you don't. IF you have it? you can move forward and start developing it into something more serious... but if you don't? it's doomed. however - you can find someone attractive, you can feel a connection with them and decide (for whatever reason) that you don't want them in your life. so you go NC (for example), you stay out of their way, you don't get to know them better and it kind of "stays" just on superficial chemistry.

 

i didn't say that people cannot revive love - they can. absolutely. i won't deny it. but in this particular case, i don't think it's possible. i might be wrong and who knows? maybe the OP comes here 5 years from now saying he loves his W more than ever and they're having a baby or something.

 

the only "problem" i have with your posts is you implying that love (or "resurrecting" love) can be artificially created & forced. you're basically saying that if a couple communicates enough and really, really wants to fall in love - they will. you're also saying that if a couple fails at "resurrecting" their love then it must be because they didn't communicate enough - you're flat out refusing to accept the fact that love SOMETIMES cannot be resurrected, no matter how hard you try. and this is why i'm "oddly defensive" (as another lovely poster called me) - that is all.

 

wishing you the best, OP. i truly hope you'll do whatever works for you and that you'll be happy (fully happy) in your future. good luck.

Edited March 16, 2015 by minimariah

[obtuseedge]

Having some sort of spiritual food is very important for people. Studies show that people who practice some form of faith are happier, healthier, and even more likely to recover from medical conditions and surgeries.

 

If you have a faith tradition you've been away from, go back. If you don't want to go back, find a new faith tradition and begin practicing.

 

If you're not inclined toward any faith tradition or would like to supplement your tradition, think about yoga, meditation, even martial arts. Other than the physical and spiritual benefits you would also reap mental and emotional benefits.

 

A couple years ago my husband realized that he had been neglecting spirituality. He decided to return to the faith of his youth. I am not from the same faith tradition, so i was a bit apprehensive. How would this change him? Would it cause problems in the marriage?

 

In the two years since he began practicing his faith again he has changed in nothing but positive ways and our marriage has been enriched. He is also less stressed and feels much better about himself.

 

My DH, a catholic who fell away for 20+ years, did a lot of serious sexual sinning in his past. The kind of stuff even very secular people think is generally not a good idea and has great potential to physically and emotionally damage the participants and any relationships they may be in.

 

He, being a mature man now, looked back at his 20-something self and had a hard time coping with his past behavior and the effects it still has on him to this day. Having a priest, being able to go to Confession and receive Absolution, helped him move past it and begin healing. Both having someone neutral and non-judgmental to talk to and the ritual of forgiveness helped him tremendously. He was able to let go of the guilt and sadness, accept the past, and look more to the future.

 

If whatever faith tradition you choose has a pastor or spiritual adviser to talk to or some kind of cleansing ritual I think that is something you should seriously consider taking advantage of as soon as you can.

 

I am not a religious person and I grew up in a very secular household. I also have a science background, so I'm not sure if turning to religion is what would work for me, though I have no doubt it works for other people.

 

But counseling has been helping me a lot. I look forward to it, and it is helping me on this road tremendously. So has taking long walks out in nature. Also, communicating honestly with my wife on very deep issues for the first time in many years.

[Rainbowlove]

 

I think that speaks volumes about the MP, IMO. NOW that you have chosen your spouse over the AP, they are the devil? That is just another form of blame shifting.

 

The OP does not see his exOW as the devil, because he takes 100% responsbility. if you own up to the bad mistakes you made, how can you feel ok referring to another person as the devil? When they are just human, working through their mistskes just like you?

 

If the OW/OM is the devil once the affair ends...then the MM/MW is the devil x 2 because they are married and makes it that much worse. (I don't agree with that, but if we follow that line of thinking...well here we are).

 

I'm a devil too. I said "helped" almost ruin my life.

 

Guess what?

 

I can guarantee my XAP would say the same about me.

 

I'm not blaming shifting bc I no longer hold any soft spot for my XAP. That's reality.

 

I wish I never met her. That's reality too. I made my choices, but I wish I had walked away from her the day I met her.

 

The OP is still seeing XAP through a fantasy lens not with reality. I am not.

Edited March 16, 2015 by Rainbowlove

[fellini]

sure enough. I mentioned this in a post earlier.

 

The leading expert on chemistry and love is Helen Fischer. Her videos on Ted Talks are fascinating.

 

No arguing necessary, simply read up on the science of love. It is quite fascinating. There are certain chemicals released in long term relationships, stabilizing chemicals.

[minimariah]

None of the above has anything to do with actual, mature, grown up love.

 

i disagree & will leave it at that.

i'm tired of my words being taken out of context & misunderstood and i don't have it in me to explain it all over again + my English vocab isn't big enough to do that in the way i really want to anyway.

 

once again, whatever the OP decides to do - i hope it's for the right reasons.

Edited March 16, 2015 by minimariah

[fellini]

What is this "fulfilled" that you speak of? Since when was it the job of a woman to fulfill you? Your marriage will only be as good or better as what you put into it to make it good or better. This woman, your wife, has ZERO LIMITATIONS to be a part of a fulfilling life.

 

It seems to me you continue to think there is something OUT THERE that you don't have and she cannot give it to you.

 

Your sense of fulfilment comes from GIVING LOVE not from TAKING it.

 

Wake up man. Your tears, honestly, truthfully, are only about your betrayed wife, or are you mourning the loss of your AP and what you think she represents to you?

 

You keep putting a limit on what you say your wife can do, but then you are in tears over what you have "done". Do you not see you haven't figured something really important out yet?

 

 

 

I'm not giving up.

 

I'm coming to the realization that there will always be a part of me that will never feel fulfilled in this marriage. Does that mean I give up? Not exactly. The question is if I can live with this, and if we can build up the other parts of the marriage so it'd be fulfilling.

[fellini]

What on earth has his bro got to do with making a decision to be with a woman he has "decided" isn't good enough for him? (Whatever that means)

 

There are no children involved. Why should this WS stay with his BS if he himself believes his betrayal has to do with the insufficient capacities of his wife (something that stricks me as odd, seeing as how she has boundaries and keeps them)

 

 

 

So your wife hasn't shared with her friends and family?

 

I ask bc this brings another element into reconciliation and healing.

 

If your bro is saying stay put, listen to him.

[Rainbowlove]

What on earth has his bro got to do with making a decision to be with a woman he has "decided" isn't good enough for him? (Whatever that means)

 

There are no children involved. Why should this WS stay with his BS if he himself believes his betrayal has to do with the insufficient capacities of his wife (something that stricks me as odd, seeing as how she has boundaries and keeps them)

 

Because maybe his brother knows him better than any of us do??

 

Maybe his brother understands he isn't thinking clearly yet.

 

This doesn't seem really difficult to understand.

[obtuseedge]

What is this "fulfilled" that you speak of? Since when was it the job of a woman to fulfill you? Your marriage will only be as good or better as what you put into it to make it good or better. This woman, your wife, has ZERO LIMITATIONS to be a part of a fulfilling life.

 

It seems to me you continue to think there is something OUT THERE that you don't have and she cannot give it to you.

 

Your sense of fulfilment comes from GIVING LOVE not from TAKING it.

 

Wake up man. Your tears, honestly, truthfully, are only about your betrayed wife, or are you mourning the loss of your AP and what you think she represents to you?

 

You keep putting a limit on what you say your wife can do, but then you are in tears over what you have "done". Do you not see you haven't figured something really important out yet?

 

Yes, my tears today were only about my wife. They were not about my xAP. I will not lie and say I do not miss my xAP, I do. But we don't have anywhere near the history, the tribulations, the immensity of emotional investment that my wife and I have had. This morning, I truly visualized the pain that she was going through and combined with all of our experiences together, it made me break down.

 

I will take your advice into consideration. When I say fulfilled, I mean, this emotional/mental stimulation and understanding you have with the other person. Like I said, a lot of it has to do with the fact that we are very different people. However, I do agree that a lot of what's in a relationship is what you invest in it. But I don't know if you understand what I am saying regarding being "fulfilled" in that respect.

[obtuseedge]

What on earth has his bro got to do with making a decision to be with a woman he has "decided" isn't good enough for him? (Whatever that means)

 

There are no children involved. Why should this WS stay with his BS if he himself believes his betrayal has to do with the insufficient capacities of his wife (something that stricks me as odd, seeing as how she has boundaries and keeps them)

 

It's not a matter of whether she is "good enough". It's a matter of whether we can truly have a happy marriage.

[Rainbowlove]

It's not a matter of whether she is "good enough". It's a matter of whether we can truly have a happy marriage.

 

And with the affair exposure comes the exposure of your marital problems and also your internal issues and hers.

 

There's a lot of work to do.

 

Now you can identify where you went wrong together and what needs attention to reconnect and grown together on a deeper level.

 

Read After the Affair by Janis Abrahms Spring.

[Raines]

I'm not giving up.

 

I'm coming to the realization that there will always be a part of me that will never feel fulfilled in this marriage. Does that mean I give up?

 

YES!

 

 

Let you wife be free to pursue a life and partner that will feel fulfilled with her.

 

 

So what we know is, by your own admission, you are not "in love" with her and feel you will never be fulfilled by being with her.

 

 

Something tells me your desire to "try" is based on you not wanting another man to have her.

[obtuseedge]

YES!

 

 

Let you wife be free to pursue a life and partner that will feel fulfilled with her.

 

 

So what we know is, by your own admission, you are not "in love" with her and feel you will never be fulfilled by being with her.

 

 

Something tells me your desire to "try" is based on you not wanting another man to have her.

 

That's not it. I want her to be happy.

 

Fact is, yes, I've come to that realization that I may not be completely fulfilled. But is every relationship completely fulfilling? It also depends on what you invest in it as well. I'm still learning about things.

[Raines]

That's not it. I want her to be happy.

 

Fact is, yes, I've come to that realization that I may not be completely fulfilled. But is every relationship completely fulfilling? It also depends on what you invest in it as well. I'm still learning about things.

 

So tell us, what is not "fulfilling" about being with your wife?

[Eighty_nine]

YES!

 

 

Let you wife be free to pursue a life and partner that will feel fulfilled with her.

 

 

So what we know is, by your own admission, you are not "in love" with her and feel you will never be fulfilled by being with her.

 

 

Something tells me your desire to "try" is based on you not wanting another man to have her.

 

No way. Since when is marriage and romantic love the only thing that fulfills us as individuals?

 

Aside from working out your marriage and this whole mess, I think you need to figure out how you can lead a more fulfilling life in general. What hobbies, activities, people (friends, family) would fill the void in a healthy way? No single individual, not your wife or affair partner or anyone else can do that for you.

 

I too have an adventurous spirit, am not overly concerned with stability, etc. I've been involved in an affair and other toxic "relationships" because the fulfill (in an unhealthy manner) some need for excitement, stimulation, romance, the unexpected, etc etc. Since my last toxic relationship I've really increased my attempts at figuring out what ELSE does that for me (traveling, being close to my friends, even reading nonfiction adventure/disaster stories, etc). No relationship alone will meet all of your needs, and any that DOES meet them all is likely a fantasy.

[Rainbowlove]

That's not it. I want her to be happy.

 

Fact is, yes, I've come to that realization that I may not be completely fulfilled. But is every relationship completely fulfilling? It also depends on what you invest in it as well. I'm still learning about things.

 

Of course there were aspects of your marriage that were unfullfilling. Otherwise, no one would have been able to come between you and your wife.

 

Does that mean it was all your wife's fault? No.

 

Does that mean it was all your fault? No.

 

There was a connection break for a reason.

 

Does that mean you should have had an affair? Absolutely not.

 

Does that mean you both now delve into understanding yourselves and marriage better? Yes!!

 

And you make reconciliation your number priority. You put it above all else.

 

Why?

 

So that you know you are doing or have done everything there is to do to give your marriage a second chance.

 

And to learn more about yourself and your wife you explore it.

[afoolto no end]

the reason your not sure if you can be romantically involved with your wife is because you don't meet each other's needs the way you need them to be met….

Why don't you start with those and see if it can make a difference for you two, I think because you have not tried to meet them you stand at a distance from each other emotionally, the top ones for everyone seem to be affection, sexual fulfilment, conversation, recreational activities together, try meeting these, it will be awkward at first start slowly go for walks, hold hands, and once in a while have some laughs, touch is crucial.

try it, you can fall in love again…….you will see how quick it can happen again….cook together, go out and eat alone……leave her notes saying your thinking of her apologize for the pain you caused her not for the affair….

don't let that silence between you become the norm again, you have a chance to have that stimulating relationship..

[obtuseedge]

So tell us, what is not "fulfilling" about being with your wife?

 

Not sharing intellectual interests. And for the last few years, a disconnect in communication.

[fellini]

Not sharing intellectual interests. And for the last few years, a disconnect in communication.

 

You can got both those things with a laptop and an Internet connection.

 

I think for someone how has gone on sufficiently about "deep emotional connections" and profundity stuff, you could do better.

 

Tell us what deep emotional connection you claim your AP was able to achieve such that you would risk everything for her. And tell us why your wife isn't up to the task.

[velvette]

Yes, my tears today were only about my wife. They were not about my xAP. I will not lie and say I do not miss my xAP, I do. But we don't have anywhere near the history, the tribulations, the immensity of emotional investment that my wife and I have had. This morning, I truly visualized the pain that she was going through and combined with all of our experiences together, it made me break down.

 

I will take your advice into consideration. When I say fulfilled, I mean, this emotional/mental stimulation and understanding you have with the other person. Like I said, a lot of it has to do with the fact that we are very different people. However, I do agree that a lot of what's in a relationship is what you invest in it. But I don't know if you understand what I am saying regarding being "fulfilled" in that respect.

 

 

I'm not sure you understand it either. Can you explain what this means to you? In practical terms what would this look like day in and day out in a relationship?

 

 

If you cant explain it, how do you ever expect to get it unless it just naturally happens with someone else which as you have seen is a crap shoot because they may also come with other undesirable qualities.

 

 

If your wife does not naturally meet this need, there is no way she can unless you tell her what you want her to do.

[beach]

Thanks. These are all thoughts and issues I will have to consider.

 

The problem is, I've spent so many years focused on business and the direction of my career, and have neglected things that affect the condition of my soul and the quality of our marriage.

 

This affair was a wake up call. I will need to examine all of these issues and learn a lot about myself and life in the time to come.

 

I don't buy it. By neglecting your M and working too much - you thought having an affair would fulfill your soul?

 

Nope.... Ask your counselor about that mind manipulation your telling yourself, ok?

[MJJean]

I am not a religious person and I grew up in a very secular household. I also have a science background, so I'm not sure if turning to religion is what would work for me, though I have no doubt it works for other people.

 

But counseling has been helping me a lot. I look forward to it, and it is helping me on this road tremendously. So has taking long walks out in nature. Also, communicating honestly with my wife on very deep issues for the first time in many years.

 

If some form of Christianity won't work for you there are always other options. If no faith tradition speaks to you, try yoga, meditation, and/or martial arts.

 

When we're active and engaged in mental, spiritual, and physical activity on a regular basis we tend to think more clearly. And, as I said before, there are other benefits. Especially stress reduction. In your situation there is a lot of stress and a lot of emotion. A way to burn off the stress and negative emotion during times of trouble is invaluable. Not to mention you get time away from both work and home that is being used constructively.

 

That's not it. I want her to be happy.

 

Fact is, yes, I've come to that realization that I may not be completely fulfilled. But is every relationship completely fulfilling? It also depends on what you invest in it as well. I'm still learning about things.

 

No, I don't think every, or even any, relationship is completely fulfilling. That's why married people tend to have at least a few good friends and a few relatives they are close to. Just like you cannot be everything to your wife, she can't be everything to you. You both need friends, family, hobbies, interests, etc. in order to be more fulfilled.

 

Does your wife have an active social life? Charity or volunteer work? Does she regularly read and does she keep up on current events? Does she have groups, hobbies, activities she participates in regularly? Does she have a faith tradition she follows or something similar to what I suggested for you?

 

I remember hearing from my husband that he needed more mental stimulation and wanted to talk about more than the house, pets, and kids. It hadn't gotten so bad we totally lost our connection or grew very distant, but it was heading that way. I realized that he was right! I had gotten so caught up in the day to day of running a household that I was neglecting not only his mind, but mine!

 

I started reading more news online, checked out random blogs/articles of interest, decided to join a gym and research work-outs and nutrition, volunteering more at church, found a couple of hobbies, and got in touch with some old friends as well as made some new ones. The difference was amazing!

 

If you're both working on bettering yourselves you'll have plenty of fuel for conversation and be much more interesting to each other. Shared interests are great, but so are interests you don't share. Those give you opportunity to learn from each other. And, of course, there is always the option (highly recommended) of taking up a hobby together, too. Maybe a cooking or dance class?

 

Not sharing intellectual interests. And for the last few years, a disconnect in communication.

 

I'm not going to say share your every thought and feeling because I am pretty sure that the brain-mouth filter exists for a reason, but you need to really talk to your wife and she you. Not just when there is a D-Day type crisis, but every day. It's too easy after some time to assume you know how each others day went or what happened when one of you visited a friend. It's even easy to assume we know our spouses thoughts and opinions on matters once we've been with them long enough.

 

Never assume! Share. Ask. Listen.

 

Also, just tossing this out there, I know nothing about your sex life. However, I do know that my curiosities and desires have changed over the years. There were some things I wanted to try and other things I actually needed, but I didn't fully explore those thoughts in myself and didn't mention them to my DH. I think I may have been in a comfortable rut.

 

I did some thinking and over a period of a few months those misty mental musings turned into solid thoughts. I talked to my DH about it and he was enthusiastic. Turns out, he was also looking to experiment and add to the sexual menu but he didn't quite know what or how. We've been together 15 years and we're now having amazing sex more frequently than we did in our 20's...and the 20's sex was pretty darn good!

 

Not to be too crude, but a comedian I like was talking about marriage and how to keep the spark. He said "Ya gotta turn old p*ssy into new p*ssy."

 

Even if your sex life is great and there is no boredom or routine to it, couldn't hurt to find ways to explore together. And really communicating about sexual curiosities and desires gives the physical attraction aspect of the marital relationship a boost while increasing closeness.

[Raines]

Not sharing intellectual interests. And for the last few years, a disconnect in communication.

 

Then I have news for you. If that is enough of an excuse, in your mind, to have betrayed her with another woman, then you will not feel fulfilled with any woman.

 

 

I have not read the whole thread, so forgive me, does your wife know you have cheated? If so, what are her thoughts on the marriage and where it goes from here?

[Zenstudent]

That's not it. I want her to be happy.

 

Fact is, yes, I've come to that realization that I may not be completely fulfilled. But is every relationship completely fulfilling? It also depends on what you invest in it as well. I'm still learning about things.

I'm curious. Do you believe that your wife get all her needs met by you? If not, do you think it's OK for her to have them fulfilled by someone else?