Wife found out about affair

[Rainbowlove]

On top of that, I told her the reason why I am considering separation as an option is because there is a part of me that wants to be adventurous and free, and I can't be that within the confines of a marriage.

 

You told your BW that you are considering separation??

 

I'm sorry, but the minute you tell her you are considering separation, you are no longer engaging in any kind of reconciliation.

 

You probably put the nail in the coffin with that statement, but maybe that's what you want to do.

 

Stop torturing your wife. If you know you want to leave, pack a bag and leave.

 

Why on hell are you dragging this woman through more pain?

[obtuseedge]

I don't see much about your wife in your posts. You want to be careful because if she starts to feel that you are not 10000% committed to working your marriages out she may very well dump you.

 

Personally I see you as extremely selfish and entitled and immature. You need to work on that. Your comments about not being able to help yourself as your AP is model beautiful shows those traits. Some people can't change who they are.

 

I hope your wife dumps you because nothing in all the posts you have made in this long thread show that you love her. You are scared and upset at what turmoil you have brought to your life but very telling the lack of remorse to your wife is missing.

 

This was difficult to read, but I needed it.

 

This has forced me to be very honest with myself.

 

It's true. Those are my faults. I can be very selfish, self-absorbed, slightly narcissistic, and in some ways, very immature, though this last part may surprise a lot of people who know me.

 

The thing is, these are my negative traits. My positive traits are that I am quite successful for my age, I'm confident, I'm personable, charismatic and physically attractive. So I tend to attract a lot of female attention. However, I am also very picky so most of the time, I'm accustomed to girls in the office developing crushes on me to which I ignore.

 

Then steps in my xAP who was extremely beautiful, and on top of that, fed my ego day to day. Constantly complimenting me, amazed at everything I did, showed her. In addition, we shared a lot of interests and could talk forever on certain things. When I saw her, and when she saw me, we both wanted each other. We tried to put brakes on it, but obviously, it didn't change our overarching desire to have each other. And the temptation was too great, and I ended up not resisting it and succumbed to it.

 

These are the facts.

[obtuseedge]

You told your BW that you are considering separation??

 

I'm sorry, but the minute you tell her you are considering separation, you are no longer engaging in any kind of reconciliation.

 

You probably put the nail in the coffin with that statement, but maybe that's what you want to do.

 

Stop torturing your wife. If you know you want to leave, pack a bag and leave.

 

Why on hell are you dragging this woman through more pain?

 

I have a lot of torment inside. I have a lot of issues when I am in relationships.

 

I am considering separation because a part of me strongly feels I need to continue counseling while I get my issues in order, so I will no longer burden her.

[minimariah]

do you still see & check on your xAP or are you still in full NC?

[Rainbowlove]

I have a lot of torment inside. I have a lot of issues when I am in relationships.

 

I am considering separation because a part of me strongly feels I need to continue counseling while I get my issues in order, so I will no longer burden her.

 

You are leaving your wife, after you break her heart by having an affair so you no longer burden her??

 

The minute you leave your wife, you leave your wife.

 

You think you are going to pack up your belongings, go get an apartment or condo somewhere to "clear your head" and "continue counseling"....and then see if you belong in your marriage?

 

You are avoiding the mess you created. That's why you are leaving.

 

Own it. It's not about not burdening your wife. Please.

[minimariah]

do you still see & check on your xAP or are you still in full NC?

 

sorry, i just now saw you're still in full NC.

 

do you see yourself with your xAP in the future, together? is that something you want and also - do you think that a relationship with her will make you fully satisfied and happy in some ways that your current M can't?

 

and will you contact your xAP if you decide to separate from your W?

[Raines]

On top of that, I told her the reason why I am considering separation as an option is because there is a part of me that wants to be adventurous and free, and I can't be that within the confines of a marriage.

 

 

Well, at least you were honest with her.

 

 

Having said that, no offense, but this is where she should probably contact an attorney.

[truncated]

This was hard to read. But you are right. There was no excuse to me cheating.

 

Last night, my wife and I had another long talk. She told me she never felt appreciated for many things she's done and never acknowledged. She told me that she feels that if we break up, she'd end up being bitter and angry and may become a broken woman.

 

Last night, I acknowledged her feelings. But I told her that I had no right to criticize her for anything during the relationship, because it was I who cheated, it was I who ruined everything. We went to bed and she was still very distraught.

 

In the morning I woke her up and told her things I've held inside for a long time. That not only do I appreciate everything she's done to manage our business and to hold down our household, but that because she has been so self assured since she was at a young age, and knew what she wanted, it's also greatly shaped my own personality and gave me a lot of the confidence and business smarts that I have today. I've kept this inside for a long long time, and I've acknowledged it to myself many times, but have never told her. I don't know why, perhaps it is foolish pride, perhaps it's because of my overarching need to be seen as self-reliant, but she has tremendously influenced who I am today and I told her I was grateful for that.

 

On top of that, I told her the reason why I am considering separation as an option is because there is a part of me that wants to be adventurous and free, and I can't be that within the confines of a marriage. She knew there was this side of me when we first met, and she told me then that you can't be two things in life, you can't have that carefree and adventurous life, while also having a stable life building something. I chose the latter, because I was building businesses with her, but since the last few years, the other side of me has been yearning to free itself and that's why I've been in so much conflict. It has caused me a great deal of emotional torment, because I honestly love my wife, but it prevents me from being truly free.

 

 

I really feel for your wife, as it sounds like this is the first time in a long time that you have told her that you appreciate her.

 

You are still blaming her though for your choices. You indicate that she knew about this adventerous side of you when you married, yet she said that you can't be both while you are still building something.

 

I don't mean to be rude to you, but there are two things that jump out based upon your own statements. The first is that you are still blmaing her for your life being the way it is. The second is that you have used her.

 

You used her stability and ability to work steadfastly towards a goal and keep things focused so that the two of you could build a business and you could advance in your career to a point that you have job security and an ability to simply drop one job and easily pick up another ( not a lot of people have that). Now that you are in a good place, she's suddenly not good enough for you and you are too different.

 

Her stability was good enough when you needed it and valued it, now it's a negative?

 

You want adventure and challenge, and feel she can't provide those. Have you really given her a chance to? For example, have you surprised her with an "eco vacation" somewhere that you scientific interest would be piqued while at the same time she would have fun? Have you signed the two of you up for classes in a topic you find interesting so that she can learn more about it?

 

if you really feel that she can't meet your needs, let her go, even if it just for now. Give her the space and freedom to find herself, but be warned. You may just come out the other side with her deciding that she doesn't need you in her life, and she will be very happy without you, though you want her back.

[truncated]

This was difficult to read, but I needed it.

 

This has forced me to be very honest with myself.

 

 

 

Then steps in my xAP who was extremely beautiful, and on top of that, fed my ego day to day. Constantly complimenting me, amazed at everything I did, showed her. In addition, we shared a lot of interests and could talk forever on certain things. When I saw her, and when she saw me, we both wanted each other. We tried to put brakes on it, but obviously, it didn't change our overarching desire to have each other. And the temptation was too great, and I ended up not resisting it and succumbed to it.

 

These are the facts.

 

You really need to reread this and break it down.

 

This sounds much more like lust than anything else, and also a feed to your ego.

 

For whatever reason, you allowed yourself to be drawn in, and it could be, in a large part, because she said all the right things to feed your (self admittedly) narcissistic side.

 

if, as you say, you wanted her right from the start and she sad all the right things, then how does this equate to meeting your need to be adventurous? When you talked, was she complimenting your intelligence, was she hanging on your every word, etc.?

 

btw, do you have friends outside your marriage who you can talk to about the things that interest you? If you expect your wife to be all things to you, there is no way anyone can do that.

[obtuseedge]

I really feel for your wife, as it sounds like this is the first time in a long time that you have told her that you appreciate her.

 

You are still blaming her though for your choices. You indicate that she knew about this adventerous side of you when you married, yet she said that you can't be both while you are still building something.

 

I don't mean to be rude to you, but there are two things that jump out based upon your own statements. The first is that you are still blmaing her for your life being the way it is. The second is that you have used her.

 

You used her stability and ability to work steadfastly towards a goal and keep things focused so that the two of you could build a business and you could advance in your career to a point that you have job security and an ability to simply drop one job and easily pick up another ( not a lot of people have that). Now that you are in a good place, she's suddenly not good enough for you and you are too different.

 

Her stability was good enough when you needed it and valued it, now it's a negative?

 

You want adventure and challenge, and feel she can't provide those. Have you really given her a chance to? For example, have you surprised her with an "eco vacation" somewhere that you scientific interest would be piqued while at the same time she would have fun? Have you signed the two of you up for classes in a topic you find interesting so that she can learn more about it?

 

if you really feel that she can't meet your needs, let her go, even if it just for now. Give her the space and freedom to find herself, but be warned. You may just come out the other side with her deciding that she doesn't need you in her life, and she will be very happy without you, though you want her back.

 

This incident has made me come to many realizations.

 

For over a decade, we were together and I was never unfaithful. But the traits that would have allowed it were there, it just needed the right person and the right circumstances. When my xAP showed up, it created the perfect storm.

 

Having to deal with the aftermath now shows that I have some severe flaws I've had to come to face. Being selfish, opportunistic and unable to resist temptations.

 

I've stopped trying to blame my wife for this. It's my fault. I've told her that clearly. My mentioning what she said years ago was not attempting to place blame, she brought that up, not me.

 

As for me using her. I don't believe I used her. Even though we did work as a team towards mutual goals, we operated as a team and did not use each other. I was always the primary breadwinner as well. However, the fact is, when temptation came knocking, I succumbed to it, and I've developed feelings for my xAP and it is hard to erase.

 

I actually don't want to turn away from my wife because through this I've come to really appreciate her character and strength, and I also want to rectify my faults. However, I don't know how to. I guess the first step is in honestly recognizing them. I'm not sure how to erase some ingrained traits such as my selfishness.

[obtuseedge]

sorry, i just now saw you're still in full NC.

 

do you see yourself with your xAP in the future, together? is that something you want and also - do you think that a relationship with her will make you fully satisfied and happy in some ways that your current M can't?

 

and will you contact your xAP if you decide to separate from your W?

 

Yes, I do still have feelings and a longing for my xAP, they obviously do not disappear overnight. We shared many intimate and heartfelt moments together. I am really trying to fight it though and it's difficult.

 

There are ways in which a relationship with her would make me more fully satisfied. Though I know my wife is a better life partner than she is. I'm not sure if that makes sense.

[truncated]

This incident has made me come to many realizations.

 

For over a decade, we were together and I was never unfaithful. But the traits that would have allowed it were there, it just needed the right person and the right circumstances. When my xAP showed up, it created the perfect storm.

 

Having to deal with the aftermath now shows that I have some severe flaws I've had to come to face. Being selfish, opportunistic and unable to resist temptations.

 

I've stopped trying to blame my wife for this. It's my fault. I've told her that clearly. My mentioning what she said years ago was not attempting to place blame, she brought that up, not me.

 

As for me using her. I don't believe I used her. Even though we did work as a team towards mutual goals, we operated as a team and did not use each other. I was always the primary breadwinner as well. However, the fact is, when temptation came knocking, I succumbed to it, and I've developed feelings for my xAP and it is hard to erase.

 

I actually don't want to turn away from my wife because through this I've come to really appreciate her character and strength, and I also want to rectify my faults. However, I don't know how to. I guess the first step is in honestly recognizing them. I'm not sure how to erase some ingrained traits such as my selfishness.

 

I probably didn't word that well. I didn't mean that you consciously used her, what I meant was, at that point in your life, her personality is what you needed to achieve the goals you were setting for yourself. For example, you started a business, so her personality fit into that really well, and her steadiness was an asset.

 

It is good that you are realizing the changes have to come from within you, and if staying with your wife is what you want, let her know about how counseling is helping you. perhaps, this will encourage her to investigate the possibility of getting some for herself and/or marriage counseling. Perhaps it could be framed in the context of you simply want an impartial third party there to help keep the conversation going.

[SleekArchitecture]

I probably didn't word that well. I didn't mean that you consciously used her, what I meant was, at that point in your life, her personality is what you needed to achieve the goals you were setting for yourself. For example, you started a business, so her personality fit into that really well, and her steadiness was an asset.

 

It is good that you are realizing the changes have to come from within you, and if staying with your wife is what you want, let her know about how counseling is helping you. perhaps, this will encourage her to investigate the possibility of getting some for herself and/or marriage counseling. Perhaps it could be framed in the context of you simply want an impartial third party there to help keep the conversation going.

 

 

I think he needs to step up and lead, find importantly an excellent and spiritual life coach slash marriage counselor. I think it could possibly do wonders and with his wife's personality, she may join sometime down the road if she sees positive progress in the relationship.

[obtuseedge]

I think he needs to step up and lead, find importantly an excellent and spiritual life coach slash marriage counselor. I think it could possibly do wonders and with his wife's personality, she may join sometime down the road if she sees positive progress in the relationship.

 

Currently, I am taking it one day at a time. I am coming to many realizations day to day, becoming more honest in critically assessing myself and my relationship, and this affair. I am also struggling with missing my xAP.

[SleekArchitecture]

Currently, I am taking it one day at a time. I am coming to many realizations day to day, becoming more honest in critically assessing myself and my relationship, and this affair. I am also struggling with missing my xAP.

 

I do not envy you. You are in the middle. The middle of two women. The affair was the middle of a coping with the marriage affair and an exit affair. You are in the middle of who or what will make the best long term companion.

 

There are many posts in your threads because of the complexity of the situation.

 

I am honest in I hope you can work it out for the best of all parties involved. I do not think it would be fair to hit 45-50 years old, and really need that adventure you seek. The middle age crisis has hit you early and it gets much stronger when you reach the actual road.

[obtuseedge]

I do not envy you. You are in the middle. The middle of two women. The affair was the middle of a coping with the marriage affair and an exit affair. You are in the middle of who or what will make the best long term companion.

 

There are many posts in your threads because of the complexity of the situation.

 

I am honest in I hope you can work it out for the best of all parties involved. I do not think it would be fair to hit 45-50 years old, and really need that adventure you seek. The middle age crisis has hit you early and it gets much stronger when you reach the actual road.

 

There is no doubt my heart strings keep getting pulled in all directions. Perhaps this is a mid-life crisis, I don't know. But all I know is that I've been feeling extremely restless for the last two years. Then in walks my xAP, and we have this intense chemistry and connection, and it became a full blown love affair. However, the practical side of me keeps telling myself that I'm just in an affair fog, that my wife is my life partner, that I'm walking away from a lot and what was a good marriage, and I need to just get over my emotions and reconcile.

[Ruffian1]

"Then in walks my xAP, and we have this intense chemistry and connection, and it became a full blown love affair. However, the practical side of me keeps telling myself that I'm just in an affair fog, that my wife is my life partner, that I'm walking away from a lot and what was a good marriage,"

You don't care about anyone but yourself. You are a cake-eater. The only reason you went NC with OW was because YOUR W CAUGHT YOU. You had both hands full of cake, shoveling it in your hungry mouth, and got caught.

 

 

It would still be going on, you sneaking around and lying and telling yourself you are entitled because you are not fulfilled, comparing your W while she was in the dark, etc.

 

 

Some of the biggest lies WS's tell is to themselves. But you will find that out in the long run.

 

 

I agree, you should leave your W. Go be with the other woman. Give your W a generous settlement.

 

 

She does not deserve the hurt you did/are doing to her. Think about her welfare and emotional health for once.

[velvette]

You keep speaking of leading a more adventurous life. But, what does that mean.

 

 

You haven't spoken of anything adventurous you were doing with OW other than having an affair which is hardly something you can sustain for a lifetime.

 

 

What adventure exactly are you craving........skydiving? African safari? kinky sex? swinging? racing cars? giving up your job and sailing round the world?

 

 

What exactly is it that you want in your life that you cant have either alone, with friends or with your wife if you stay married?

[obtuseedge]

You keep speaking of leading a more adventurous life. But, what does that mean.

 

 

You haven't spoken of anything adventurous you were doing with OW other than having an affair which is hardly something you can sustain for a lifetime.

 

 

What adventure exactly are you craving........skydiving? African safari? kinky sex? swinging? racing cars? giving up your job and sailing round the world?

 

 

What exactly is it that you want in your life that you cant have either alone, with friends or with your wife if you stay married?

 

To experience new things, new relationships, freedom, travelling, self-discovery. Basically things beyond the confines of a marriage.

 

For a long time, this was not a priority, because I was focused on our relationship and our business. But the last two years, as I've approached my mid-30s, I've increasingly felt restless and feeling like I haven't lived life enough. When I met my xAP, I felt like I was living with full passion again. However, a part of me constantly fights this strain of thinking because I recognize it as selfish and immature as well, and it is very unfair to my wife and all that we've built.

[SleekArchitecture]

There is no doubt my heart strings keep getting pulled in all directions. Perhaps this is a mid-life crisis, I don't know. But all I know is that I've been feeling extremely restless for the last two years. Then in walks my xAP, and we have this intense chemistry and connection, and it became a full blown love affair. However, the practical side of me keeps telling myself that I'm just in an affair fog, that my wife is my life partner, that I'm walking away from a lot and what was a good marriage, and I need to just get over my emotions and reconcile.

 

I get confused your posts, partly because you are so confused at the moment. This is because you say good marriage at times and terrible marriage at other times.

 

If you are anyway like me, adventure can mean many things from simply having a conversation in a restaurant that is full of debate, current events, interesting topics, and full of enjoyment and most importantly laughter.

 

I am not interested in being half of a couple that goes to dinner, uninterested in talking, bored, or hum drum. This may be comfortable for some or they have settled for this. I could not do it.

[obtuseedge]

I get confused your posts, partly because you are so confused at the moment. This is because you say good marriage at times and terrible marriage at other times.

 

If you are anyway like me, adventure can mean many things from simply having a conversation in a restaurant that is full of debate, current events, interesting topics, and full of enjoyment and most importantly laughter.

 

I am not interested in being half of a couple that goes to dinner, uninterested in talking, bored, or hum drum. This may be comfortable for some or they have settled for this. I could not do it.

 

When I say we were in a good marriage, I meant, that it was a marriage where we rarely fought, where we worked as a team, were generally sweet to one another. Obviously however, because of my restlessness, I have been living in a general existential angst for the last couple years. I think this article can better illustrate what I mean.

 

Do I Still Want to be Married? Signs of Restlessness

[Steen719]

I sort of think it is like Janis Joplin said in Me and Bobby McGee:

"Freedom is just another word for nothing else to lose"

 

OP-obtuseege, I'm not going to go over what you know and what everyone else has told you, but I am in agreement with them. Here is what I think, though. It sounds to me like you will not really know what you have lost until you don't have it anymore and it's not that you are unique in that; it is more like, despite knowing and admitting that, it is the path you are on.

 

Most of us betrayed spouses have had our waywards come back and be sorry, feel regret, wish they hadn't done what they did, made the decisions they made and wish they had what they used to. Some take those WH/W back, some don't. You don't see many people who stay with their AP. Reality wins over all of that romance,, just like it always does. Enduring love is not static; it is fluid and ebbs and flows. It is just sad when lives are torn apart and the wayward spouse realizes what they had too late.

 

All of that being said, I hope you decide to be an honest and honorable man and let your wife go. Her freedom may lead her to a man who appreciates her and maybe you will find the same thing. At any rate, she won't living someone's lie, as she is now.

[truncated]

To experience new things, new relationships, freedom, travelling, self-discovery. Basically things beyond the confines of a marriage.

 

For a long time, this was not a priority, because I was focused on our relationship and our business. But the last two years, as I've approached my mid-30s, I've increasingly felt restless and feeling like I haven't lived life enough. When I met my xAP, I felt like I was living with full passion again. However, a part of me constantly fights this strain of thinking because I recognize it as selfish and immature as well, and it is very unfair to my wife and all that we've built.

 

If this is true, then it's like I said before, it's NOT the ow you love, but the feeling you get. That can be confusing, but think of it this way. Right now, you have these heady feelings because of the stimulating discussions you have and probably the overall "naughtiness" ( not in a sexual way but in an adventure way). What would happen if you were with her full time and the pragmatics of real life start to come into play? What type of partner would she be through that, and what type would you be? Would you find yourself seeking that need for freedom again?

 

Based on what you say, it sounds very much like you would. Her shortcommings would leave you unfulfilled.

 

Have you told your wife about this need for adventure and how important it is to you? have you suggested taking a few baby steps towards that adventure, trying it out in a way that is safe yet still exciting so both your needs are met?

 

Sometimes, a pair where someone wants freedom and adventure and a stable personality work well, as they round each other off. One is the dreamer and the other is the rock that can make those dreams happen.

 

 

If you are feeling like you won't ever find that with your wife, and you need some time on your own, that is what you need to do, just don't ask your wife to wait for you. Set her free, and give her the time she needs on her own to sort out her life and figure out what she wants ( it may end up being very different that what you expect)

 

My husband and I are of the dreamer/pragmatic type.My husband and I are like that. In many ways, we are not alike. He is a soldier and I am a non fiction writer. He gets ideas, and being more pragmatic, I help him figure out how to make them happen. that works for us, with our mutual adventures coming largely from our kids and the vacations we would take, enjoying driving the back roads in different countries getting to know local people and finding new places.

Edited March 17, 2015 by truncated

[beach]

To experience new things, new relationships, freedom, travelling, self-discovery. Basically things beyond the confines of a marriage.

 

For a long time, this was not a priority, because I was focused on our relationship and our business. But the last two years, as I've approached my mid-30s, I've increasingly felt restless and feeling like I haven't lived life enough. When I met my xAP, I felt like I was living with full passion again. However, a part of me constantly fights this strain of thinking because I recognize it as selfish and immature as well, and it is very unfair to my wife and all that we've built.

 

Does this really translate to your desire to just have wild, passionate and random sex with whoever you want to?

[obtuseedge]

Well, my xAP sent me a quote by email today, breaking NC, but it irritated me. The quote was about weakness, undoubtedly in her mind, me not leaving my wife is about weakness.

 

It has strengthened my resolve to control the fissures of my mind and to focus on returning it to a devotion of my wife and healing my marriage. I wrote several, almost poetic lines today, reminding myself of my wife's value and strength and love, my own greed and selfishness, and a mission of protecting and saving my marriage. I plan on reading those lines several times each day until it sinks in like a mantra. I need to regain control of my mind.