Wife found out about affair

[Lurkeraspect]

Well, my xAP sent me a quote by email today, breaking NC, but it irritated me. The quote was about weakness, undoubtedly in her mind, me not leaving my wife is about weakness.

 

It has strengthened my resolve to control the fissures of my mind and to focus on returning it to a devotion of my wife and healing my marriage. I wrote several, almost poetic lines today, reminding myself of my wife's value and strength and love, my own greed and selfishness, and a mission of protecting and saving my marriage. I plan on reading those lines several times each day until it sinks in like a mantra. I need to regain control of my mind.[/QUOTE]

 

Yes you do. Time to man up and make hard decisions about your life. What sort of man are you?

 

Don't think you're doing your wife any favors by staying with her when your thoughts and desires are elsewhere. Either recommit or let her go. Certainly she can do better.

[beach]

Well, my xAP sent me a quote by email today, breaking NC, but it irritated me. The quote was about weakness, undoubtedly in her mind, me not leaving my wife is about weakness.

 

It has strengthened my resolve to control the fissures of my mind and to focus on returning it to a devotion of my wife and healing my marriage. I wrote several, almost poetic lines today, reminding myself of my wife's value and strength and love, my own greed and selfishness, and a mission of protecting and saving my marriage. I plan on reading those lines several times each day until it sinks in like a mantra. I need to regain control of my mind.

 

Am I reading it correctly... You intend to stay married to spite your OW?

 

Does this really translate to your desire to just have wild, passionate and random sex with whoever you want to?

 

Can you answer this question please?

[obtuseedge]

Am I reading it correctly... You intend to stay married to spite your OW?

 

 

 

Can you answer this question please?

 

1. No. I've been trying to focus my mind since yesterday in trying to remember why my wife and I first fell in love, and to focus on her positive traits. However, my xAP's quote did irritate me which further spurred me in that direction.

 

2. Part of it. But not all of it. A lot of it has to do with self discovery, travelling alone (backpacking) through foreign countries, meeting people on the road, going to dangerous/poor countries and roughing it (which my wife really doesn't like) etc.

[beach]

From all that you've written - I'm just not seeing you two as a good match.

 

I'm not saying you'd be good with that OW, so don't get me wrong.

 

 

But from what you've continued to describe you and your wife don't seem to really be on the same page.

 

Her need to stay married despite your consistent words that state you aren't happy - show that she's willing to settle for anything just to say she's married.

 

The way you've described your M makes me think I never want to get married again.

 

 

You have massive amounts of work to do on yourself. I hope you will - and I hope your wife can be set free from your unhappiness and indecision.

[obtuseedge]

From all that you've written - I'm just not seeing you two as a good match.

 

I'm not saying you'd be good with that OW, so don't get me wrong.

 

 

But from what you've continued to describe you and your wife don't seem to really be on the same page.

 

Her need to stay married despite your consistent words that state you aren't happy - show that she's willing to settle for anything just to say she's married.

 

The way you've described your M makes me think I never want to get married again.

 

 

You have massive amounts of work to do on yourself. I hope you will - and I hope your wife can be set free from your unhappiness and indecision.

 

My wife has become more amenable to counseling, and also to making some changes. And the fact is, I really thought hard about it today and I really can't imagine her not in my life. So I don't think divorce is an option, I really need to focus and save this.

[Hope Shimmers]

meeting people on the road, going to dangerous/poor countries and roughing it (which my wife really doesn't like) etc.

 

Does your AP really like that? I mean, really?

 

Most women I know wouldn't care for that either.

[obtuseedge]

Does your AP really like that? I mean, really?

 

Most women I know wouldn't care for that either.

 

No, she wouldn't.

 

Before I met my wife, I've been to war zones, refugee camps, remote regions, learned different languages, visited ruins, met people from different parts of the world, so sometimes I miss those days. Which is why I get restless.

[jan2012]

I've accepted this. That's why I am stopping myself from reacting on impulse, or to escape to a fantasy world with my xAP. It'd last only a few weeks or a few months until the enormity of the damage I've caused sets in, though I don't think xAP realizes this (because she's actually very naive about relationships, and also because she escaped from a very abusive husband while my wife is a good person).

 

I have to face this and see this through. If in the end of these next few months, both my wife and I can feel that we can come out together, then our marriage will be more honest and stronger than ever. If in the end, we decide we should part ways, at least I can know we put in an honest effort to reconcile and did not act on impulse in the end.

 

Do you personally know your xAP's husband? what do you really know about him being abusive based on first hand facts?

[obtuseedge]

Do you personally know your xAP's husband? what do you really know about him being abusive based on first hand facts?

 

No, I dont. I have some incidents which are confirmed that indicate he has behavior issues, such as losing his temper, etc. However, obviously, no, I can't ascertain if everything xAP has told me about their relationship is a fact.

[Hope Shimmers]

No, she wouldn't.

 

Before I met my wife, I've been to war zones, refugee camps, remote regions, learned different languages, visited ruins, met people from different parts of the world, so sometimes I miss those days. Which is why I get restless.

 

So then your having an affair really has nothing directly to do with something that your wife doesn't have. Because with your AP, you wouldn't have that kind of life either.

 

Something to keep in mind.

[jan2012]

This was difficult to read, but I needed it.

 

This has forced me to be very honest with myself.

 

It's true. Those are my faults. I can be very selfish, self-absorbed, slightly narcissistic, and in some ways, very immature, though this last part may surprise a lot of people who know me.

 

The thing is, these are my negative traits. My positive traits are that I am quite successful for my age, I'm confident, I'm personable, charismatic and physically attractive. So I tend to attract a lot of female attention. However, I am also very picky so most of the time, I'm accustomed to girls in the office developing crushes on me to which I ignore.

 

Then steps in my xAP who was extremely beautiful, and on top of that, fed my ego day to day. Constantly complimenting me, amazed at everything I did, showed her. In addition, we shared a lot of interests and could talk forever on certain things. When I saw her, and when she saw me, we both wanted each other. We tried to put brakes on it, but obviously, it didn't change our overarching desire to have each other. And the temptation was too great, and I ended up not resisting it and succumbed to it.

 

These are the facts.

 

I hope you live in a big city and have access to really good therapists, because you are still caught up in the drama.

 

Don't cash out on all your equity for instant gratification. As easy comes, easy goes. You said it was so easy to get involved this in the first place, didn't you?

[obtuseedge]

So then your having an affair really has nothing directly to do with something that your wife doesn't have. Because with your AP, you wouldn't have that kind of life either.

 

Something to keep in mind.

 

Yes, I've come to realize that. If I did get separated, I'd probably prefer to be single for a while, focus on counseling, and traveling again. Maybe even shoot a documentary film about some worthwhile cause, which was my passion when I was younger, humanitarian work.

 

My xAP is actually much more high maintenance than my wife, so she'd definitely not be roughing it out with me on those trips.

 

But again, my focus right now is fixing my marriage.

[obtuseedge]

I hope you live in a big city and have access to really good therapists, because you are still caught up in the drama.

 

Don't cash out on all your equity for instant gratification. As easy comes, easy goes. You said it was so easy to get involved this in the first place, didn't you?

 

It was a really tough lesson, but I learned it the hard way.

[jan2012]

Well, my xAP sent me a quote by email today, breaking NC, but it irritated me. The quote was about weakness, undoubtedly in her mind, me not leaving my wife is about weakness.

 

It has strengthened my resolve to control the fissures of my mind and to focus on returning it to a devotion of my wife and healing my marriage. I wrote several, almost poetic lines today, reminding myself of my wife's value and strength and love, my own greed and selfishness, and a mission of protecting and saving my marriage. I plan on reading those lines several times each day until it sinks in like a mantra. I need to regain control of my mind.

 

NC means you block the xAP emails, texts, and phone calls from coming in so you never know they existed.

[beach]

No, I dont. I have some incidents which are confirmed that indicate he has behavior issues, such as losing his temper, etc. However, obviously, no, I can't ascertain if everything xAP has told me about their relationship is a fact.

 

I would think any man married to her would lose his temper - especially if she's as you've described = constantly flirting with men and in need of male attention all rolled together with multiple affairs during their marriage...

 

She invites that anger by the way she behaves. Maybe he just is divorcing because he's sick of her need for outside attention.

[Lurkeraspect]

You know, I get it. Marriage can get extremely boring and stale. Just remember you're half of that equation. I was married almost 3 decades. We had a wonderful, exciting beginning, a comfortable, stable middle, and a mutually agreed upon end. Point is, we didn't cheat. We dealt with life, worked hard, didn't always like each other, but didn't disrespect each other. In the end, we came together and agreed that we'd given it our all and it was over. To me, that's respect.

 

You obviously married your wife for a reason. You obviously found her lovable and exciting at some point. To say anything different now only speaks to your poor choice or the rewriting of your history.

 

Personally, after reading all of your posts, I believe you should divorce. You don't come across as a man who cares about much more than what you see in the mirror. And that's okay.

 

Just do yourself a favor, and divorce your wife. She'll be fine. I'm also quite sure that she'll find a man who will believe her to be exciting and worthy of fidelity. You're not that guy. Perhaps you'll never be that guy for anyone, and again, that's okay.

[obtuseedge]

You know, I get it. Marriage can get extremely boring and stale. Just remember you're half of that equation. I was married almost 3 decades. We had a wonderful, exciting beginning, a comfortable, stable middle, and a mutually agreed upon end. Point is, we didn't cheat. We dealt with life, worked hard, didn't always like each other, but didn't disrespect each other. In the end, we came together and agreed that we'd given it our all and it was over. To me, that's respect.

 

You obviously married your wife for a reason. You obviously found her lovable and exciting at some point. To say anything different now only speaks to your poor choice or the rewriting of your history.

 

Personally, after reading all of your posts, I believe you should divorce. You don't come across as a man who cares about much more than what you see in the mirror. And that's okay.

 

Just do yourself a favor, and divorce your wife. She'll be fine. I'm also quite sure that she'll find a man who will believe her to be exciting and worthy of fidelity. You're not that guy. Perhaps you'll never be that guy for anyone, and again, that's okay.

 

Thanks for your input. But I believe I can be that man. I aim on trying.

 

I never cheated before prior to this. I don't plan on doing it again.

[whichwayisup]

NC means you block the xAP emails, texts, and phone calls from coming in so you never know they existed.

 

This is very true. Your wife now is your ONLY and FIRST priority. What exOW has to say doesn't matter. The A is over, you've had the NC chat, NC is in place and that means you have to block her on all social media, cell etc..etc.. If it means changing your number and email address, do so. You have no reason now to be reading her emails, all it does it bother you and she hopes you react. Reading emails from her keeps her in your head when you're supposed to trying to push her out of your head.

[SolG]

Hi again OP. You're story resonates very strongly with me; so similar in some ways to my and xMM's A. In fact you sound so similar to xMM at times. Sometimes makes your thread uncomfortable reading for me.

 

I also once called him weak; however, I used the professional lexicon 'risk averse'. It offended him greatly--in part because we both regard risk aversion with contempt in the work setting--as it appears to have done you too. While you of course can't communicate with your xOW, my xMM and I talked about it. Refusing to be reckless is not necessarily weak at all. Perhaps there is greater weakness to be found in goading someone else to recklessness because you're afraid to be on your own. Hypothetical of course...

 

You've had the barrage of what do you need, what do you want, what can you change, why did you do it, who do you love, do you love, why do you love, what is it about you..??? I would challenge you to go deeper and ask yourself; who are you? Because to me this is the nub of it. Is always the nub of it in relationships.

 

What I mean is knowing yourself. Not just that you're selfish as you state, but what it is that you're truly selfish about (no one is selfish about everything), and why. Why those things? How do those things make you feel? What does that then tell you about you?

 

Or to take a more practical example (strictly hypothetical - not meant to be actually literally applicable to your case)... By your admission, your xOW intellectually stimulated you in a way your W has not. You have repeated it often enough for it to be evident this is something important to you. What was it about that intellectual stimulation that you so valued? Was it the content? Was it the pace and vigour? Was it argumentativeness and debate?

 

For the sake of expedience, let's say it was all of the above. We now know you value varied topics of conversation, and you like to be robustly challenged on your views by an informed opponent. Next level... How did experiencing that make you feel? Did it turn you on? Did it make you feel respect? If it did, now we know more about you; because you highly value it, this type of interraction builds respect and attraction for you.

 

Now we know something definitive about you.. Let's see how affects things...

 

Next level... You never experienced this type of valued interaction with your W. How did this impact how you viewed and felt about her? Have you always harboured inside a view that she is not your intellectual equal? Do you think the things she has to say--limited in topic and depth in your perception--are not so important as the things you and others have to say? If this is so, and you see her as not your equal in this, and that there is little value in discourse with her... How does this affect how you see her as your W? In some ways, do you actually not respect her? And how does that make you behave towards her? Do you then dismiss her conversation; barely listening besides the most cursory of acknowledgements? And then what affect does this have on your overall pattern of communication? And what affect does this then have on your relationship overall?

 

Next level... Is how you see your W in this respect even true at all? Does she even know this is something you value? Would she behave differently if she did? Does she actually have the capacity? Have you just pigeon holed her and thereby limited her potential in this area just by seeing her as you do? How do find out what really IS true?

 

Sometimes we make the assumption that we know ourselves and our spouses in relationships; the longer we've been together, the more we must know. Right? Actually the opposite is sometimes true. The longer we live with ingrained perceptions and patterns without challenging them and shaking them up... Sometimes the less we actually know of the person behind the pattern we so blithely accept. And we hide behind our own because my H/W won't understand... Or I might hurt their feelings... Or it wouldn't be 'nice'... Or that self help book said just maintain positive validation, and knowing our love languages will work :-/

 

Infidelity is actually a case in point; how many BSs have looked at their WS on DDay and thought... Who are you? I don't think I even know who you are...

 

Obtusedge, take the journey (which I'm sure at times will be immensely painful and confronting). Work out who you are, who your W is, and who you are together. And your W will need to take this journey too. Only then will you really know what next.

 

I'd recommend a really good MC for this. Contrary to others, I think you are ready if you're both willing. A good MC will conduct IC with you individually as part of the process, as well as know how to assist you both through infidelity crisis management before working on the M per se.

 

PS, Discussing the xOW will absolutley be part of this process as well. Determining what she and your interraction meant. Both for you and your W individually, and together. It should help you sort through that as well.

 

Just my thoughts...

[beach]

About your wife - she's accepted your cheating. She's accepted your unhappy self. Yet she doesn't even consider leaving... Even when you stated your deep love and affection for the OW.

 

Your wife isn't leaving - no matter how badly you treat her - no matter how much you pine away for someone else. Why isn't that OW blocked from every aspect of contacting you now?

 

Your W has no boundary. She will allow you to get away with murder and still stay married.

 

She likes being married. That has a cost. She's now sacrificed her self esteem, self pride and integrity by allowing you to treat her this way.

 

 

Staying married to you means she is required to sacrifice so much of herself.

[minimariah]

Thanks for your input. But I believe I can be that man. I aim on trying.

 

I never cheated before prior to this. I don't plan on doing it again.

 

why?

 

just a few posts earlier you said you don't know if you can be the man that your W deserves, a good husband. what changed?

 

i can't help but notice that you tun to your W & decide to work on your M only after your xAP does something that disappoints you.

[obtuseedge]

Hi again OP. You're story resonates very strongly with me; so similar in some ways to my and xMM's A. In fact you sound so similar to xMM at times. Sometimes makes your thread uncomfortable reading for me.

 

I also once called him weak; however, I used the professional lexicon 'risk averse'. It offended him greatly--in part because we both regard risk aversion with contempt in the work setting--as it appears to have done you too. While you of course can't communicate with your xOW, my xMM and I talked about it. Refusing to be reckless is not necessarily weak at all. Perhaps there is greater weakness to be found in goading someone else to recklessness because you're afraid to be on your own. Hypothetical of course...

 

You've had the barrage of what do you need, what do you want, what can you change, why did you do it, who do you love, do you love, why do you love, what is it about you..??? I would challenge you to go deeper and ask yourself; who are you? Because to me this is the nub of it. Is always the nub of it in relationships.

 

What I mean is knowing yourself. Not just that you're selfish as you state, but what it is that you're truly selfish about (no one is selfish about everything), and why. Why those things? How do those things make you feel? What does that then tell you about you?

 

Or to take a more practical example (strictly hypothetical - not meant to be actually literally applicable to your case)... By your admission, your xOW intellectually stimulated you in a way your W has not. You have repeated it often enough for it to be evident this is something important to you. What was it about that intellectual stimulation that you so valued? Was it the content? Was it the pace and vigour? Was it argumentativeness and debate?

 

For the sake of expedience, let's say it was all of the above. We now know you value varied topics of conversation, and you like to be robustly challenged on your views by an informed opponent. Next level... How did experiencing that make you feel? Did it turn you on? Did it make you feel respect? If it did, now we know more about you; because you highly value it, this type of interraction builds respect and attraction for you.

 

Now we know something definitive about you.. Let's see how affects things...

 

Next level... You never experienced this type of valued interaction with your W. How did this impact how you viewed and felt about her? Have you always harboured inside a view that she is not your intellectual equal? Do you think the things she has to say--limited in topic and depth in your perception--are not so important as the things you and others have to say? If this is so, and you see her as not your equal in this, and that there is little value in discourse with her... How does this affect how you see her as your W? In some ways, do you actually not respect her? And how does that make you behave towards her? Do you then dismiss her conversation; barely listening besides the most cursory of acknowledgements? And then what affect does this have on your overall pattern of communication? And what affect does this then have on your relationship overall?

 

Next level... Is how you see your W in this respect even true at all? Does she even know this is something you value? Would she behave differently if she did? Does she actually have the capacity? Have you just pigeon holed her and thereby limited her potential in this area just by seeing her as you do? How do find out what really IS true?

 

Sometimes we make the assumption that we know ourselves and our spouses in relationships; the longer we've been together, the more we must know. Right? Actually the opposite is sometimes true. The longer we live with ingrained perceptions and patterns without challenging them and shaking them up... Sometimes the less we actually know of the person behind the pattern we so blithely accept. And we hide behind our own because my H/W won't understand... Or I might hurt their feelings... Or it wouldn't be 'nice'... Or that self help book said just maintain positive validation, and knowing our love languages will work :-/

 

Infidelity is actually a case in point; how many BSs have looked at their WS on DDay and thought... Who are you? I don't think I even know who you are...

 

Obtusedge, take the journey (which I'm sure at times will be immensely painful and confronting). Work out who you are, who your W is, and who you are together. And your W will need to take this journey too. Only then will you really know what next.

 

I'd recommend a really good MC for this. Contrary to others, I think you are ready if you're both willing. A good MC will conduct IC with you individually as part of the process, as well as know how to assist you both through infidelity crisis management before working on the M per se.

 

PS, Discussing the xOW will absolutley be part of this process as well. Determining what she and your interraction meant. Both for you and your W individually, and together. It should help you sort through that as well.

 

Just my thoughts...

 

You're very insightful. My xAP wasn't some intellectual giant (neither am I), but she demonstrated a lot of interest and amazement in my interests, which attracted me to her. My wife isn't as interested. You are right that she does not really take part in much intellectual conversations, nor is she very eloquent and I think this probably had some influence in how I have viewed her in this relationship. However, she makes up for the lack in intellectualism in her common sense and business know how, which I have learned greatly from.

 

In the last few days, I've had to seriously reflect on this very issue (how I've viewed or appreciated my wife), and I've realized I've given her too little credit and have been unfair to her in many ways. She has always been my greatest resource and I was too blind and self-absorbed to see it. I finally let her know yesterday and she cried.

 

I have a long road to go, but I plan to fix things.

[obtuseedge]

why?

 

just a few posts earlier you said you don't know if you can be the man that your W deserves, a good husband. what changed?

 

i can't help but notice that you tun to your W & decide to work on your M only after your xAP does something that disappoints you.

 

A lot of it has to do with the deep reflection I've done in the last couple days about the value of my wife in my life.

[obtuseedge]

About your wife - she's accepted your cheating. She's accepted your unhappy self. Yet she doesn't even consider leaving... Even when you stated your deep love and affection for the OW.

 

Your wife isn't leaving - no matter how badly you treat her - no matter how much you pine away for someone else. Why isn't that OW blocked from every aspect of contacting you now?

 

Your W has no boundary. She will allow you to get away with murder and still stay married.

 

She likes being married. That has a cost. She's now sacrificed her self esteem, self pride and integrity by allowing you to treat her this way.

 

 

Staying married to you means she is required to sacrifice so much of herself.

 

Actually she's mentioned many times that I'm pushing her absolute limit. She has also said that I'm forcing her to re-evaluate her self-worth as well.

 

It's been pretty rough. But she's making it clear that she is willing to work things out this time because I've never cheated before but if I falter, she's gone.

[SolG]

You're very insightful. My xAP wasn't some intellectual giant (neither am I), but she demonstrated a lot of interest and amazement in my interests, which attracted me to her. My wife isn't as interested. You are right that she does not really take part in much intellectual conversations, nor is she very eloquent and I think this probably had some influence in how I have viewed her in this relationship. However, she makes up for the lack in intellectualism in her common sense and business know how, which I have learned greatly from.

 

In the last few days, I've had to seriously reflect on this very issue (how I've viewed or appreciated my wife), and I've realized I've given her too little credit and have been unfair to her in many ways. She has always been my greatest resource and I was too blind and self-absorbed to see it. I finally let her know yesterday and she cried.

 

I have a long road to go, but I plan to fix things.

 

OP, You're still only on the surface of things. The thing that jumps out at me from your post above is not the intellectual argument about your W at all. It's that you valued your AP's interest and amazement of yours. Which is absolutely diametrical to your W's disinterest. Perhaps you really like being thought of as smart. What does this do for your ego? And extrapolating, what does this say about your insecurities? One could surmise (possibly completely wrongly, however I'll go there) that your intelligence wasn't appreciated; you felt less smart... Even though you think this is a talent. Maybe you subconsciously retaliated by not appreciating hers.

 

Maybe this A was a whole lot about your insecurity about your intelligence, and not your W's lack at all? Maybe this insecurity was what in part drove you into the xOW's arms so readily?

 

I must stress here that I DON'T KNOW anything at all about you or your M, let alone the answers. What I'm doing here is exploring a PROCESS, not the destination/conclusions for you.

 

You need to get to your own destination. But I can't see you getting there scratching around at the surface level as you have been; it' been superficial as best. Not that this is the place to do that really, but it does need to be done.

 

All the best.