Wife found out about affair

[velvette]

Yes, I've come to realize that. If I did get separated, I'd probably prefer to be single for a while, focus on counseling, and traveling again. Maybe even shoot a documentary film about some worthwhile cause, which was my passion when I was younger, humanitarian work.

 

My xAP is actually much more high maintenance than my wife, so she'd definitely not be roughing it out with me on those trips.

 

But again, my focus right now is fixing my marriage.

 

Its very easy/tempting to romanticize the past when the present is difficult. Maybe this is what you should be doing, but on some level it doesn't make sense to me.

 

 

There are millions of opportunities to be doing humanitarian work right here/right now in this country and plenty of them are in places or scenarios that are dangerous.

 

 

What is stopping you if that's so important to you?

 

 

If it is important to you, then I think volunteer work would be a good choice for you. Nothing like helping others to get rid of existential angst which is frequently just self absorbed navel gazing anyway.

 

 

The more you talk, the more it sounds like a lot of the problem is that you don't really have any goals/purpose in your life. We all need a reason to get up in the morning.

[obtuseedge]

OP, You're still only on the surface of things. The thing that jumps out at me from your post above is not the intellectual argument about your W at all. It's that you valued your AP's interest and amazement of yours. Which is absolutely diametrical to your W's disinterest. Perhaps you really like being thought of as smart. What does this do for your ego? And extrapolating, what does this say about your insecurities? One could surmise (possibly completely wrongly, however I'll go there) that your intelligence wasn't appreciated; you felt less smart... Even though you think this is a talent. Maybe you subconsciously retaliated by not appreciating hers.

 

Maybe this A was a whole lot about your insecurity about your intelligence, and not your W's lack at all? Maybe this insecurity was what in part drove you into the xOW's arms so readily?

 

I must stress here that I DON'T KNOW anything at all about you or your M, let alone the answers. What I'm doing here is exploring a PROCESS, not the destination/conclusions for you.

 

You need to get to your own destination. But I can't see you getting there scratching around at the surface level as you have been; it' been superficial as best. Not that this is the place to do that really, but it does need to be done.

 

All the best.

 

Perhaps I was in a rush, and didn't digest your comments fully.

 

No, the affair was not about any insecurity about my intelligence. I don't feel insecure about that.

 

I think frankly, it was about getting an immense amount of attention bordering on worship from a frankly very physically attractive woman. On top of that, we did have a great deal to talk about.

[obtuseedge]

Its very easy/tempting to romanticize the past when the present is difficult. Maybe this is what you should be doing, but on some level it doesn't make sense to me.

 

 

There are millions of opportunities to be doing humanitarian work right here/right now in this country and plenty of them are in places or scenarios that are dangerous.

 

 

What is stopping you if that's so important to you?

 

 

If it is important to you, then I think volunteer work would be a good choice for you. Nothing like helping others to get rid of existential angst which is frequently just self absorbed navel gazing anyway.

 

 

The more you talk, the more it sounds like a lot of the problem is that you don't really have any goals/purpose in your life. We all need a reason to get up in the morning.

 

Most of my goals for the past few years have been business related.

 

But yes, I think I should try reconnecting with certain socially relevant and fulfilling programs with my wife involved.

[SolG]

Perhaps I was in a rush, and didn't digest your comments fully.

 

No, the affair was not about any insecurity about my intelligence. I don't feel insecure about that.

 

I think frankly, it was about getting an immense amount of attention bordering on worship from a frankly very physically attractive woman. On top of that, we did have a great deal to talk about.

 

*sigh* I'm sorry OP. I'm obviously not being clear enough to be understood. I'm illustrating a PROCESS, the content I'm plugging in is irrelevant because it's not yours. What you have put in that last paragraph would be excellent to break down and put through the process yourself, to actually derive some real knowledge about you at a base level, and how that affects your relationships.

 

No need to reply to me. Look at the process - the types and levels of self questioning. And just think about it for awhile.

 

If it doesn't work for you, it doesn't work. Good luck!

[velvette]

Perhaps I was in a rush, and didn't digest your comments fully.

 

No, the affair was not about any insecurity about my intelligence. I don't feel insecure about that.

 

I think frankly, it was about getting an immense amount of attention bordering on worship from a frankly very physically attractive woman. On top of that, we did have a great deal to talk about.

 

 

Exactly, but more accurately imo you have a very strong need for admiration which is not unusual and nothing wrong with it.

 

 

Add to that you've previously mentioned your wife is very critical so I'm guessing you are not getting much of that from her.

 

 

You need to make that clear to your wife and having just told her what you admire about her and what she contributes to your life is the perfect segue to open that conversation with her. My guess is that she does not have as strong a need for admiration as you do. Many times if not most people love the way they want to be loved rather than finding out how the other person wants to be loved. That doesn't work for either of you.

[beach]

Actually she's mentioned many times that I'm pushing her absolute limit. She has also said that I'm forcing her to re-evaluate her self-worth as well.

 

It's been pretty rough. But she's making it clear that she is willing to work things out this time because I've never cheated before but if I falter, she's gone.

 

But you have faltered, yes? In the fact that you've been fence sitting on staying married and have had additional contact with your OW...

 

Does your W really know you've been so undecided and have communicated with your OW just recently?

 

And have you completely blocked the OW yet?

[SleekArchitecture]

Most of my goals for the past few years have been business related.

 

But yes, I think I should try reconnecting with certain socially relevant and fulfilling programs with my wife involved.

 

Are you two into mad politics? There is a huge election coming 2016, what about becoming heavily involved together with this. Host political affiliation parties. This will bring intellectual, fiery, and passionate conversations.

[Lion Heart]

Perhaps I was in a rush, and didn't digest your comments fully.

 

No, the affair was not about any insecurity about my intelligence. I don't feel insecure about that.

 

I think frankly, it was about getting an immense amount of attention bordering on worship from a frankly very physically attractive woman. On top of that, we did have a great deal to talk about.

 

After reading alot of your thread it's quite obvious that ATTENTION is what you craved. Maybe still do.

 

It may help to acknowledge in a very mature way that your wife or marriage may have had certain elements about them purely by default. Because you are married. All the everyday mundane things of life take over a marriage if we are both not careful to protect and nurture "special" times.

 

Doing new things TOGETHER.

Planning saucy weekends away.

Putting cute, quirky, romantic things into everyday life.

 

As a recent BW, my whole world was shattered for months. My self esteem was blown up. I didn't know who I was to even attempt reconciling with a man I didn't know!!! But knew he'd been unfaithful to his Wife... me. I doubted my own sanity staying but that's definitely not a given ever again. WH has alot to prove.

 

If my WH declared any feelings of love for OW, that would have killed any hope I had of getting anything back on track ever again. If he had ONCE put OWs feelings before mine, contacted her, anything, I'd have been done too.

 

I hope your BW can receive IC. I hope you have supported her telling anyone she wants to tell. She needs far more support than what you can give her IMO.

 

The BEST thing you can do for her is to make VERY sure you want to reconcile. R is not for the feint hearted. The kindest thing is not to mend her heart (with a huge scar in it) only to break it open again. Ofcourse no one can guarantee everything but intent right now is everything.

 

Ofcourse NC with OW will help your BWs mental state.

 

Otherwise I wish you both the best.

 

Lion Heart.

[truncated]

No, she wouldn't.

 

Before I met my wife, I've been to war zones, refugee camps, remote regions, learned different languages, visited ruins, met people from different parts of the world, so sometimes I miss those days. Which is why I get restless.

 

 

I can understand how you feel. Though I've never traveled to places that extreme, I am not one for the "resort" style vacation either. I prefer the back country and meeting local people.

 

Is your wife the type who prefers a vacation where she can leave it all behind and just relax and unwind?

 

If so, is there any way that you can find a happy medium between your extreme and your wife's extreme that would meet both your needs?

 

It's something to think about, once you and your wife have gone a bit further down the road together.

[truncated]

My wife has become more amenable to counseling, and also to making some changes. And the fact is, I really thought hard about it today and I really can't imagine her not in my life. So I don't think divorce is an option, I really need to focus and save this.

 

 

This is what I meant before by being all in or all out.

 

If you are all in, then the option of divorce is no longer on the table, as is going back to ow or having any contact with her at all.

 

I would tell your wife about the attempt to contact you. It may make her hurt and angry, but it shows that you are trying to be honest with her, which is vital right now.

 

the road to reconciling is a long and hard one,and it will take a long time. If you are both willing to do some really heavy lifting, the results can be well worth it. One day at a time.

Edited March 18, 2015 by truncated

[SleekArchitecture]

You are done with the AP, and she may be holding on to false hope, since you told her you were deeply in love with her. This alone would make her assume automatically you are weak with your decision. Block and tell her if she contacts you again you will contact her husband. She can then move on and drop the debilitating hope.

 

 

I do not think a trivial remark that is a result of pain and grief is that unexpected or fighting NC, and if that was enough to make you turn a complete 180, then there must be very little of your heart for the AP than you imagined.

 

 

Block block block.

[PhoenixRise]

1. No. I've been trying to focus my mind since yesterday in trying to remember why my wife and I first fell in love, and to focus on her positive traits. However, my xAP's quote did irritate me which further spurred me in that direction.

 

2. Part of it. But not all of it. A lot of it has to do with self discovery, travelling alone (backpacking) through foreign countries, meeting people on the road, going to dangerous/poor countries and roughing it (which my wife really doesn't like) etc.

 

Given all you know about yourself, your life, and your priorities do you honestly think, if you divorced your wife you would be the kind of guy who backpacks alone through a foreign country? Do you honestly think you would take off and go rough it in some dangerous area of the world?

 

 

Do you backpack anywhere now? Do you even own a backpack? Do you camp out? Are you doing anything at all in your life right now to indicate this is the kind of life you want, other than dream about it and silently resent your wife for not wanting to do the stuff your aren't doing?

 

Eta. Ok I just saw your post where you have in fact lived the way you described. I think you just need to decide what is most important. You said you want children and your wife, in the past at least, was willing.... She is right. You can't have traditional stability/home life. AND be running off to backpack alone in foreign countries at the same time.

Edited March 18, 2015 by PhoenixRise

[PhoenixRise]

Actually she's mentioned many times that I'm pushing her absolute limit. She has also said that I'm forcing her to re-evaluate her self-worth as well.

 

It's been pretty rough. But she's making it clear that she is willing to work things out this time because I've never cheated before but if I falter, she's gone.

 

Did you respond to the OW message? Will you tell your wife about the contact?

[sandylee1]

This stuck out to me. You want kids (at least one) and your wife doesn't.

 

I'm not sure how much you want kids, but it's giving up a heck of a lot when she isn't interested. I know no matter how much I loved a man, I wouldn't marry him if he didn't want kids. I would have never sacrificed being a mom for anything.

 

Did you not discuss this before you got married?

 

I'd say it's really important.

 

If you really want children, you may end up resenting her later in life.

[SleekArchitecture]

This stuck out to me. You want kids (at least one) and your wife doesn't.

 

I'm not sure how much you want kids, but it's giving up a heck of a lot when she isn't interested. I know no matter how much I loved a man, I wouldn't marry him if he didn't want kids. I would have never sacrificed being a mom for anything.

 

Did you not discuss this before you got married?

 

I'd say it's really important.

 

If you really want children, you may end up resenting her later in life.

 

This I agree with and it is possible if she has a child consciously or subconsciously for her husband and not with a full heart and the maternal instinct never kick in, she may become resentful.

[PhoenixRise]

This stuck out to me. You want kids (at least one) and your wife doesn't.

 

I'm not sure how much you want kids, but it's giving up a heck of a lot when she isn't interested. I know no matter how much I loved a man, I wouldn't marry him if he didn't want kids. I would have never sacrificed being a mom for anything.

 

Did you not discuss this before you got married?

 

I'd say it's really important.

 

If you really want children, you may end up resenting her later in life.

 

The OP has been all over the map in his postings, but I thought he said his wife was not opposed to having a child.

 

But if he is experiencing so much restlessness and wanderlust than maybe his desire to have a child (or be in a committed relationship) is not compatible with that.

 

I don't know if there is any real measure of how compatible he is with his wife or with the OW or with any aspect of his life right now.

 

He has posted a strong desire for two very different lives.....who knows what he really wants or what will make him happy...he certainly doesn't

[Ruffian1]

"Ideally, I'd like to at least have one child, preferably a little girl.

 

She doesn't care to have children, she is more an animal person. "

 

 

Are you saying you never discussed the topic of having kids BEFORE you got married??

 

 

Really???

[obtuseedge]

"Ideally, I'd like to at least have one child, preferably a little girl.

 

She doesn't care to have children, she is more an animal person. "

 

 

Are you saying you never discussed the topic of having kids BEFORE you got married??

 

 

Really???

 

Yes we have. She is fine with having kids, just never really desired them. But she is a very caring person.

[Zenstudent]

Yes we have. She is fine with having kids, just never really desired them. But she is a very caring person.

And yet not valuable enough to treat with respect - why?

[Lion Heart]

This I agree with and it is possible if she has a child consciously or subconsciously for her husband and not with a full heart and the maternal instinct never kick in, she may become resentful.

 

This having or not having children is a huge red flag in the relationship!

 

Surely this was discussed BEFORE you committed to BW for life?

 

Another HUGE red flag is the disparity between "wanting a child/ren" and "wanting to backpack etc". These in themselves are not easily reconciled within ONE person at the same period of life. Yeah I've had friends and family (my own parents for eg) who DO do these both. But the passion to do both was in both marriage partners. Hence I was born near a war zone, between my mother operating on victims of war.

My father's continued infidelity had NOTHING AT ALL to do with any of this. He had his cake on EVERY level and still wasn't satisfied UNTIL he grew up. Much later. Around 50yo. He wasn't with us, but hey, I guess he grew up in time to die a few years later.

 

A married couple I met whilst their firsr child was a newborn. W suffering extreme post natal psychosis. The reason? She NEVER wanted children. This was decided before the marriage.

H changed his mind and PUSHED. W relented. And had another child too. W never coped well with motherhood. Though she did VERY well. Still earnt well and became very happy and in love with her whole family. H cheated, made OW pregnant and I want to spit at him every time I oass him in the shopping center. Never happy.

 

Obtuse. My POINT is totally this: BE HAPPY WITH WHAT YOU HAVE. (That's straight from my children's list of what to do after you tell your wife you've had an affair).

 

Look up GIGS.

 

If the grass is STILL greener, go chew in another paddock. Whatever you need to do, just do it.

 

I think seeing those major red flags changes everything.

 

I wish you both the very best in this difficult time. I hope you both find contentment in life.

 

Lion Heart.

[BrokenPrincess]

OP, after reading through all your posts, it sounds to me like the main reason you're staying with your wife is because you feel too guilty to leave/obligated to stay.

 

Is that true?

 

You're in your mid 30s, if deep down you really don't WANT a future with your wife, now is the time to part ways. Don't waste any more of her time, or yours, if you truly feel like your life goals & dreams aren't compatible, especially when it comes to having kids.

[afoolto no end]

how is it possible for your OW to be ABLE to contact you, all avenues should be shut down to her, I hope in God's name you didn't respond, you do understand every little contact cuts your wife to the core, and the what she knows won't her is total disrespect……..

My husband had an affair too, and I remember him saying that too that he couldn't imagine life without me and what he also said was he thought about his OW once or twice during the day but I was on his mind all day………I think when you have your affair you don't consider actually losing the spouse, you thought you could just disrespect her and the marriage and keep her there so your life wasn't disrupted……….

I hope you were honest with your wife about the contact and I wouldn't just delete it I would show her and show her there was no response from you also I would block any way she can contact you that is the respectful thing to do…..

[sandylee1]

Yes we have. She is fine with having kids, just never really desired them. But she is a very caring person.

 

This doesn't really make sense to me. Being fine with having kids but not desiring them. You either want kids or you don't IMO.

 

Mmmm, bringing a new life into the world based on 'being FINE with having them doesn't sound great. It should be something both parents really really want. There is an awful lot of hard work involved in raising a child from the sleepless nights, teething, infant illnesses and all the other stages. It puts a lot of stress on the best of relationships.

 

Though I think a lot of people have children because they think it's something they need to do as the next phase in life.

 

I'd go as far as to say that as having a baby has much more impact on a woman (physically, mentally and emotionally ), I'd want to be more than just 'fine ' to put my body through it.

[beach]

You say you've decided to work on your M.

 

Have you now blocked the OW completely?

[fellini]

OP, now 40 pages in and you continue to turn this discussion about your "needs" in circles.

 

You want to cross the Antarctic jumping from ice flow to ice flow, but you want to have a child and your wife is less sure (good for her, she has solid reasons not to be saddled as a single mom in the future)

 

We don't know much about your marriage, but we can be sure you didn't meet your wife mud sliding down the sides of Mount Kilimanjaro. Nor was she a Doctor without borders giving tetanus shots in the Sudan and saw you emerging with 10 orphaned Kenyans you rescued from Ethiopia.

 

No you met your wife and decided to marry her for who she was and what you wanted. In fact, it seems to me, you take everything you want, when you want it, how you want it, and blame the rest of the world for holding unmet dreams that you don't seem to be able to control.

 

You want to be Crocodile Dundee and find yourself in the outback, tell your wife that, and Ill bet she will happy for you. First she will ask you take a huge life insurance policy out and then tell you not to worry if you don't make it back. At least you lived your dreams. Neither your wife nor your marriage are stopping you. It is only you.

 

Oh yeah, don't we all pine once in a while for those days. Experimenting with cocaine (so I know what they mean when they say infidelity gives you a cocaine high), running around the continent chasing international windsurfing competitions, riding alone through europe, bodyboarding in massive waves, going on 2 week camping trips in the north of Canada without seeing a human sole... we all have had our fun. And we moved on. To different activities, to activities more appropriate to our means, our current situation, our need to settle, our need not to.

 

But one does not have the right to SETTLE down with a woman and then blame her for holding US back, or use our rekindled dreams as the excuse as to why they are no longer "good enough" for us. No sir, that is a totally unfair game in which there are no winners, only losers. It is pure manipulation of the facts.

 

You want to go skydiving. Do it.

 

None of that explains what after 40 pages has reduced your infidelity into a simple selfish greedy uncontrolled urge to have SEX with an enormously attractive woman while you were in a committed relationship.

 

Your infidelity is not the sum of some kind of massive identity crises in your life, midlife or otherwise, and you know it.

 

You saw some candy. You stole from the cookie jar. PERIOD.

 

You don't know what you want. But you do know what you don't want: to take responsibility for where you are today. All this stuff about your youth and your dreams and your deep introspective questioning of your values is a red herring. You saw the apple, and you tasted forbidden fruit.

 

Your affair was nothing more than a pathetic cliche like hundreds like it.