Wife found out about affair

[waterwoman]

"Being fine with having kids but not desiring them. You either want kids or you don't IMO. "

 

Not quite true IMO. I never wanted kids. I wasn't one of those little girls that dreamed about having family. I really couldn't see the point. Nothing changed until I was in my late 20s and I began to think that maybe it wouldn't be TOO bad to have a baby and H wanted one so we decided to try. When I became pregnant (almost immediately!) it all began to fall into place. By the time I was about 6 months pregnant I was in love with pregnancy and this person growing inside of me. I would now say that parenthood has been one of the best things that ever happened to me. If OP's w hated the idea of having kids it would be different but she doesn't.

[PhoenixRise]

This doesn't really make sense to me. Being fine with having kids but not desiring them. You either want kids or you don't IMO.

 

Mmmm, bringing a new life into the world based on 'being FINE with having them doesn't sound great. It should be something both parents really really want. There is an awful lot of hard work involved in raising a child from the sleepless nights, teething, infant illnesses and all the other stages. It puts a lot of stress on the best of relationships.

 

Though I think a lot of people have children because they think it's something they need to do as the next phase in life.

 

I'd go as far as to say that as having a baby has much more impact on a woman (physically, mentally and emotionally ), I'd want to be more than just 'fine ' to put my body through it.

 

This is not necessarily true. Before I had my child I didn't have a burning desire to have children. My husband had that desire and I was ok with it. When I got pregnant I fell in love with the child and now that child is everything to me.

 

I don't think it is unusual for one partner to want children more than the other. It becomes a problem if one partner absolutely wants kids and the other absolutely does not.

[LifesontheUp]

Perhaps I was in a rush, and didn't digest your comments fully.

 

No, the affair was not about any insecurity about my intelligence. I don't feel insecure about that.

 

I think frankly, it was about getting an immense amount of attention bordering on worship from a frankly very physically attractive woman. On top of that, we did have a great deal to talk about.

 

You sound so much like my xH, he went for the adoration, hero worship his AP gave him while I was away nursing my dieing father. He was immature and selfish. We were together for 18 yrs.

 

It took me 6 months, but I woke up and realised what he was and that he wasn't going to change.

 

I'll warn you again obtuseedge, your wife will need to see that you are fixing YOU, if she doesn't then she may very well kick you to the curb.

 

IMHO, you are lucky to be given the chance to sort this out with your wife. Don't waste it if you are serious. If you are not in it totally, then set your wife free.

 

ETA: over 10 yrs later, he still regrets what he did and tells me he ruined the best thing in his life. Too late, I've moved on and have married again and have kids with my new husband who I absolutely adore.

[autumnnight]

Perhaps I was in a rush, and didn't digest your comments fully.

 

No, the affair was not about any insecurity about my intelligence. I don't feel insecure about that.

 

I think frankly, it was about getting an immense amount of attention bordering on worship from a frankly very physically attractive woman. On top of that, we did have a great deal to talk about.

 

In other words, it is textbook narcissism.

[KingwoodMan]

You and the AP deserve each other. You've already ruined your life. You get one shot at life and you couldn't live up to any set of standards. Too bad. You might as well run off with the low quality human being you've been ruining your life with.

[MJJean]

Yes, I've come to realize that. If I did get separated, I'd probably prefer to be single for a while, focus on counseling, and traveling again. Maybe even shoot a documentary film about some worthwhile cause, which was my passion when I was younger, humanitarian work.

 

My xAP is actually much more high maintenance than my wife, so she'd definitely not be roughing it out with me on those trips.

 

But again, my focus right now is fixing my marriage.

 

How sure about the travel/adventure/documentary are you? If you've done it before when you were younger you might be surprised how much you actually dislike it now that you are older, creakier, and used to creature comforts widely available in the First World.

 

Actually she's mentioned many times that I'm pushing her absolute limit. She has also said that I'm forcing her to re-evaluate her self-worth as well.

 

It's been pretty rough. But she's making it clear that she is willing to work things out this time because I've never cheated before but if I falter, she's gone.

 

Good for her!

 

Most of my goals for the past few years have been business related.

 

But yes, I think I should try reconnecting with certain socially relevant and fulfilling programs with my wife involved.

 

So do something about it! Start looking into organizations that need your particular talents or just someone to do grunt work. Get the ball rolling.

 

Given all you know about yourself, your life, and your priorities do you honestly think, if you divorced your wife you would be the kind of guy who backpacks alone through a foreign country? Do you honestly think you would take off and go rough it in some dangerous area of the world?

 

 

Do you backpack anywhere now? Do you even own a backpack? Do you camp out? Are you doing anything at all in your life right now to indicate this is the kind of life you want, other than dream about it and silently resent your wife for not wanting to do the stuff your aren't doing?

 

Eta. Ok I just saw your post where you have in fact lived the way you described. I think you just need to decide what is most important. You said you want children and your wife, in the past at least, was willing.... She is right. You can't have traditional stability/home life. AND be running off to backpack alone in foreign countries at the same time.

 

Obtuse lived the way he described a long time ago. Somehow, I don't think it would be as fun now as he remembers.

 

And, even if this is some burning need inside him and he finds it exactly as he remembers, no reason he can't do it while married. Lots of married people take separate vacations. He can go do his thing while she is at a nice 5 star hotel getting a facial and massage out by the pool with a good book and stiff drink.

[beach]

If your W doesn't desire kids- and if you have one - be prepared to parent without her help.

[beach]

What are your wife's needs in the marriage?

[obtuseedge]

Just a quick update. Over the past week, I have maintained NC with my xAP.

 

I have also continued to struggle with both wanting to right this, trying to reconnect with my wife, and missing my xAP. I have been reading a lot of articles about affair fog, and have been trying to put my mind in a place where I can start really rebuilding. I have to say that sometimes it feels like I am taking 3 steps forward and 2 steps back. At this time, I strongly feel I need to reconcile with my wife and move ourselves forward in life.

[afoolto no end]

It is very normal feeling the 2 forward one back when trying to fix something.

Just take it slowly and with loving intent, Keep your boundaries at all costs.

Make your wife know the affair was a mistake and that you are in for the long run……start dating again, have some fun…….talk, get to know her I am sure you will find she has the qualities you want if you just love her, right now you will have that contrast effect don't do that, your wife isn't like your OW she would never do what she did, she is better than that……..so comparing the two is really stupid, an adulterous woman is not someone you want to have in your life.

You want a happy trusting caring life not a life you can't trust…..

Get away for a weekend you plan it, dinner at a great place, just the connection you two need.

Tell her being with her is important to YOU, keep the positivity strong and the confidence your wife will need now in you and in herself being worthy...

[truncated]

One day at a time. Each morning, think of one thing you can do to begin to rebuild the emotional bonds between you and your wife, even if it just something as simple as making dinner together and talking about your day while you do it, going for groceries together, etc.

 

Find something every day that you appreciate about her, and let her know.Sometimes it's the simple things that can rebuild those connections.

 

Is there something you have both always wanted to do? Try taking a class together to learn how.

 

As another poster mentioned, if you can swing some time away together, that would be great. While you're away, try and find something to do together that is exciting and that you have never doe before.

[beach]

Have you blocked the OW from contacting you at every level?

[obtuseedge]

Have you blocked the OW from contacting you at every level?

 

Not by emails because, although I do not communicate directly with her, there are some work emails in which both of us are cc'ed, or are sent to our old group.

 

However, we have not been personally communicating and frankly, there really is no desire to on both of our parts because it is painful and pointless to continue our relationship. Neither of us want to continue an affair, so if we are not going to have a real relationship, there really is no point being in contact.

[obtuseedge]

One day at a time. Each morning, think of one thing you can do to begin to rebuild the emotional bonds between you and your wife, even if it just something as simple as making dinner together and talking about your day while you do it, going for groceries together, etc.

 

Find something every day that you appreciate about her, and let her know.Sometimes it's the simple things that can rebuild those connections.

 

Is there something you have both always wanted to do? Try taking a class together to learn how.

 

As another poster mentioned, if you can swing some time away together, that would be great. While you're away, try and find something to do together that is exciting and that you have never doe before.

 

This is what I'm trying to do day by day. Some days are better than others. It isn't easy because obviously there is a lot of pain between us, and also, I am gradually getting out of the thoughts of my xAP. But I am trying to re-establish those frayed connections.

[obtuseedge]

It is very normal feeling the 2 forward one back when trying to fix something.

Just take it slowly and with loving intent, Keep your boundaries at all costs.

Make your wife know the affair was a mistake and that you are in for the long run……start dating again, have some fun…….talk, get to know her I am sure you will find she has the qualities you want if you just love her, right now you will have that contrast effect don't do that, your wife isn't like your OW she would never do what she did, she is better than that……..so comparing the two is really stupid, an adulterous woman is not someone you want to have in your life.

You want a happy trusting caring life not a life you can't trust…..

Get away for a weekend you plan it, dinner at a great place, just the connection you two need.

Tell her being with her is important to YOU, keep the positivity strong and the confidence your wife will need now in you and in herself being worthy...

 

Thanks. Your words give me more added clarity.

[obtuseedge]

You sound so much like my xH, he went for the adoration, hero worship his AP gave him while I was away nursing my dieing father. He was immature and selfish. We were together for 18 yrs.

 

It took me 6 months, but I woke up and realised what he was and that he wasn't going to change.

 

I'll warn you again obtuseedge, your wife will need to see that you are fixing YOU, if she doesn't then she may very well kick you to the curb.

 

IMHO, you are lucky to be given the chance to sort this out with your wife. Don't waste it if you are serious. If you are not in it totally, then set your wife free.

 

ETA: over 10 yrs later, he still regrets what he did and tells me he ruined the best thing in his life. Too late, I've moved on and have married again and have kids with my new husband who I absolutely adore.

 

Thanks for sharing your story. I can see how I may share his faulty traits, and I am trying hard to correct that though it is not easy.

[jan2012]

Looks like you have reestablished contact.

[obtuseedge]

Looks like you have reestablished contact.

 

NOPE.

 

On the contrary, met up with a former co-partner today who was a part of our group and he said that she's been acting very immature about the entire situation, constantly complaining about how I didn't leave my wife. He also said he's noticed a mean streak in her for the first time as well, and was upset that the other partners were willing to honor my share of a certain project which I procured, she was arguing that I didn't deserve it since I had left.

 

I have to say, I'm quite disappointed at her behavior. Especially since I personally took the fall and changed offices, and didn't bother to force her to have to move.

[obtuseedge]

To my surprise, my co-partner even told me I was doing the right thing even though it complicates some of our projects together. He said that I was right to not have left my marriage for her, because she would've probably ditched me in the end if she finds something better, and that if I ended up broke one day for some reason, she'd definitely bounce at the first sign of trouble.

 

So his insight seems to have confirmed some of the things that were in the back of my mind. I still tried to offer a conciliatory defense of her, but perhaps I was too thick in it.

[afoolto no end]

NC means NC and that includes other conversations with other people about her……ask them to not talk about her so you can heal…..

what kinds of things are you doing at home, how is your wife, are you protecting her, does she know this………..

I am so glad you seem to have the smarts to see the reality of your stupidity…..some day you will thank your lucky stars you didn't ruin your life for nothing ………….

It was a mistake thinking you were entitled to sleep with someone else…it's the contrast effect that you allowed to demonize your marriage and your wife….

The OW can't hold a candle to a good woman like your wife……I am sure the OW has already thrown you under the bus to make herself look like some kind of victim………maybe you have even become the lunch hour joke……..settling for a marriage you never wanted. I am sure she will lay it on thick to make you look like the stupid one………

forget her and start planning your days for repairing the life that is really the life you want, it only needs a little work and commitment to be really good…..……your wife is hurting……..give her the peace she deserves by keeping her safe and protected …….you be her knight in shinning armour……...

[Cinnimon]

It's to bad you didn't consult your co worker partner before you had an affair?

Geez she's acting like she's angry, maybe because she just got dumped by someone she had a " deep connection " with. You were sick when you thought she was dumping you?

She's upset you didn't leave your wife and you have been missing her ...... Go figure.

[obtuseedge]

It's to bad you didn't consult your co worker partner before you had an affair?

Geez she's acting like she's angry, maybe because she just got dumped by someone she had a " deep connection " with. You were sick when you thought she was dumping you?

She's upset you didn't leave your wife and you have been missing her ...... Go figure.

 

Despite my disappointment at some of her behavior, I try to keep this in mind and not take it personally. It still hurts sometimes to think we were so close once and now it's come to this, but perhaps it was a good thing we didn't end up together.

[obtuseedge]

NC means NC and that includes other conversations with other people about her……ask them to not talk about her so you can heal…..

what kinds of things are you doing at home, how is your wife, are you protecting her, does she know this………..

I am so glad you seem to have the smarts to see the reality of your stupidity…..some day you will thank your lucky stars you didn't ruin your life for nothing ………….

It was a mistake thinking you were entitled to sleep with someone else…it's the contrast effect that you allowed to demonize your marriage and your wife….

The OW can't hold a candle to a good woman like your wife……I am sure the OW has already thrown you under the bus to make herself look like some kind of victim………maybe you have even become the lunch hour joke……..settling for a marriage you never wanted. I am sure she will lay it on thick to make you look like the stupid one………

forget her and start planning your days for repairing the life that is really the life you want, it only needs a little work and commitment to be really good…..……your wife is hurting……..give her the peace she deserves by keeping her safe and protected …….you be her knight in shinning armour……...

 

We are taking it day by day. Yes, she knows about today's exchange. Things are still rough and it's hard reconnecting, but we are hanging in there.

[beach]

What is it your wife needs from you?

What are her needs in the M?

[whichwayisup]

NOPE.

 

On the contrary, met up with a former co-partner today who was a part of our group and he said that she's been acting very immature about the entire situation, constantly complaining about how I didn't leave my wife. He also said he's noticed a mean streak in her for the first time as well, and was upset that the other partners were willing to honor my share of a certain project which I procured, she was arguing that I didn't deserve it since I had left.

 

I have to say, I'm quite disappointed at her behavior. Especially since I personally took the fall and changed offices, and didn't bother to force her to have to move.

 

I find it sickening that she is discussing this with co workers and gossiping, causing drama. So unprofessional.

 

Use this to keep you on the straight and narrow and to STAY THE F away from her. She is trouble and if contact is broken, damn right she will try to suck you back in, or worse, show up at your front door and talk to your wife.