Wife found out about affair

[whichwayisup]

Despite my disappointment at some of her behavior, I try to keep this in mind and not take it personally. It still hurts sometimes to think we were so close once and now it's come to this, but perhaps it was a good thing we didn't end up together.

 

Stop making this about you now and just focus on your wife. Ask your co workers and whomever else knows to STOP talking to you about exOW, that you want nothing to do with her, you don't want to know about her. And your co partner should tell her he doesn't want to hear about it anymore and she should keep things to herself from now on.

 

Sooner or later you need to decide if you're going to fight hard to save your marriage and fix you, or walk away. Being in limbo and being not 100 percent sure you made the right decision isn't fair to your wife. Either commit and stay or leave and get a divorce.

[fellini]

Perhaps you agree now, to the suggestion 10 pages back that your AP HAS (not is necessarily ) narcissist tendencies.

 

What you both are doing at this point is called narcissist hoovering. It doesn't matter if the talk is wonderful or critical, what matters is maintaining the talk about each other. She is outraged about any support the partners offer because you quit. You quit them and you quit her and she believes she is entitled to her work as much as she thinks she was entitled to you.

 

Let her go.

 

 

 

Stop making this about you now and just focus on your wife. Ask your co workers and whomever else knows to STOP talking to you about exOW, that you want nothing to do with her, you don't want to know about her. And your co partner should tell her he doesn't want to hear about it anymore and she should keep things to herself from now on.

 

Sooner or later you need to decide if you're going to fight hard to save your marriage and fix you, or walk away. Being in limbo and being not 100 percent sure you made the right decision isn't fair to your wife. Either commit and stay or leave and get a divorce.

[jan2012]

NOPE.

 

On the contrary, met up with a former co-partner today who was a part of our group and he said that she's been acting very immature about the entire situation, constantly complaining about how I didn't leave my wife. He also said he's noticed a mean streak in her for the first time as well, and was upset that the other partners were willing to honor my share of a certain project which I procured, she was arguing that I didn't deserve it since I had left.

 

I have to say, I'm quite disappointed at her behavior. Especially since I personally took the fall and changed offices, and didn't bother to force her to have to move.

 

good for you! you must see that it does get easier as the weeks go by.

[fellini]

Your betrayed spouse must surely be asking the same thing about you "it KILLS to sometimes think we were so close for years and now it comes to this"

 

In two years I have Never seen a WS so clearly messed up about confusing regret with remorse and get such a free pass in LS.

 

Sir, were you a WW rather than WH you wouldn't have lasted 10 pages here with these kinds of reflections.

 

PERHAPS? You are still speaking of your affair in terms of perhaps?

Does your BW get to hear this, or only the part about AP behaving like a child?

 

Had she not displayed this behaviour to your ex partners what happens to the phrase "perhaps"?

 

Are you absolutely sure you are done with this AP and not just "settling" on your marriage to "do the right thing"?

 

You are still sending mixed messages here.

 

If after all the soul searching and gut wrenching introspection you claim to have made, my WW had said to me "perhaps it was a good thing we didn't end up together" she would have been out the door forever.

 

Despite my disappointment at some of her behavior, I try to keep this in mind and not take it personally. It still hurts sometimes to think we were so close once and now it's come to this, but perhaps it was a good thing we didn't end up together.

Edited March 26, 2015 by fellini

[elaine567]

Perhaps you agree now, to the suggestion 10 pages back that your AP HAS (not is necessarily ) narcissist tendencies.

 

What you both are doing at this point is called narcissist hoovering. It doesn't matter if the talk is wonderful or critical, what matters is maintaining the talk about each other. She is outraged about any support the partners offer because you quit. You quit them and you quit her and she believes she is entitled to her work as much as she thinks she was entitled to you.

 

Let her go.

 

I do not know about the OW, but the person I see here with the biggest narcissistic tendencies is the OP actually.

[fellini]

When it comes to entitlement, game playing and blaming and manipulation, I agree with OP, they were meant to be together.

 

It's always better for the rest of society if the narcissists would just climb into each other's world and feed each other.

 

This OP has told his AP it's over, and now is making the most of her inability to accept the same thing he has found impossible to do: imagine a world without her in it.

 

 

 

I do not know about the OW, but the person I see here with the biggest narcissistic tendencies is the OP actually.

[privategal]

Have you told your wife you feel this way?

 

Also, what have you put into your marriage???

 

An AFFAIR!!!!

 

You need more counseling.

 

 

I'm so sorry, but I feel confused by the stance you are taking toward op.

You made the same moral mistake having an affair and leaving your W and family...he is grieving the end of an affair, grieving facing his demons, hurting his ap whom he loved, and hurting his wife whom he also loved.

He doesn't wantto stay in, doesn't want to get out.

 

For having been there yourself, deeply grieving your affairs end and losing her, why are you not understanding of what kind of pain he is in?

Why are you coming down on him when YOU WERE THERE?

I know your in a different place and out of the A and now have NO feelings for you xap but that doesn't mean he is there.

the love was real for both women I feel and you just don't flip a switch and forget someone you loved overnight and the judgement seems so harsh.

Yes it was wrong to cheat, no one is disputing that but man, pot meet kettle. Im sorry Rainbow you are a nice lady but in this instance Im not getting how this is helpful or where your compassion has gone.

[afoolto no end]

Maybe now that you are leaning towards recovery and I know it's still hard for you, but gut feelings are what we all should listen to, you know that and something inside you is screaming what is right…..

Maybe, we could all, because of our experiences help you with suggestions to reconnect in a more secure, safe way or caring for your wife's feelings through this…….what worked for others. lessening the chances of mistakes or scars that would hinder recovery.

How many hours are you and your wife actually together in a day, what is the routine, how are you spending your time together?

Recovery and a happy connection starts with a commitment to a great plan for both of you….

[privategal]

Im not sure the true reasons there cant be a physical separation but I left my first husband not due to an affair but just basically emotional abandonment, I didn't think he loved me. I moved to a different city, I left...planned to divorce.

He tried to reconcile...with the time and space away from him I was able to objectively see I missed him, I loved him.

I did go back...it didn't work because not ONE THING changed, but the important part is...the separation was necessary for me to see hope when I had already decided it was over. I never thought I could love him again or miss him after I decided to leave and divorce, but I did.

Im not sure why you feel you cant move out temporarily but Id think your W needs to miss you, you both need to think and process.

I cant have the source of pain in my space and forced conversations and intimate conversations overnight that haven't been there for years.

That would be too much for me all of a sudden.

I don't think your wife needs you at home any more than you need to be at home. You need to separate to sort out what you both want.

To do this at home is too confusing and painful.

Ask her about some time apart.

Also if you decide to divorce...she can still be part of your life.

In the end we divorced, I did find out there was someone else down the road and many other painful things but we were later able to stay friends and support eachothers lives without bitterness.

You don't have to divorce and have it be horrible and drama and pain and never speaking again. It can be a healthy choice and it will still hurt but if its best for you to pursue a happy fulfilled life on your own, maybe years later you and your wife can become friends when forgiveness has had time to settle in.

[SleekArchitecture]

Your affair was so open, colleagues are discussing internal details. Seems strange to me. It is as if they are discussing lunch. Plus, your AP is telling co workers she is upset you did not leave the wife. Isn't this embarrassing for her?

[Rainbowlove]

I'm so sorry, but I feel confused by the stance you are taking toward op.

You made the same moral mistake having an affair and leaving your W and family...he is grieving the end of an affair, grieving facing his demons, hurting his ap whom he loved, and hurting his wife whom he also loved.

He doesn't wantto stay in, doesn't want to get out.

 

For having been there yourself, deeply grieving your affairs end and losing her, why are you not understanding of what kind of pain he is in?

Why are you coming down on him when YOU WERE THERE?

I know your in a different place and out of the A and now have NO feelings for you xap but that doesn't mean he is there.

the love was real for both women I feel and you just don't flip a switch and forget someone you loved overnight and the judgement seems so harsh.

Yes it was wrong to cheat, no one is disputing that but man, pot meet kettle. Im sorry Rainbow you are a nice lady but in this instance Im not getting how this is helpful or where your compassion has gone.

 

I have been supportive of the OP. I haven't judged him for struggling. I get it.

 

I've been nudging him the entire time to choose between XAP and wife. I've been trying to get him to do that since before DD and after.

 

We have to make tough choices in these situations. He tried to have both for a long time.

 

The difference between me and OP, however, is I never lied to my wife's face while sleeping with someone else.

 

I had the guts to look my wife in the eyes and tell her the ugly truth about falling in love with someone else. I then left my house long before my EA turned PA.

 

What I did was wrong to everyone involved. My wife, my XAP, her XH and myself and our children.

 

I understand this guy's pain...but he had to choose one or the other.

 

I've done nothing but try to help him make a choice and then learn to live with it.

[Rainbowlove]

I'm so sorry, but I feel confused by the stance you are taking toward op.

You made the same moral mistake having an affair and leaving your W and family...he is grieving the end of an affair, grieving facing his demons, hurting his ap whom he loved, and hurting his wife whom he also loved.

He doesn't wantto stay in, doesn't want to get out.

 

For having been there yourself, deeply grieving your affairs end and losing her, why are you not understanding of what kind of pain he is in?

Why are you coming down on him when YOU WERE THERE?

I know your in a different place and out of the A and now have NO feelings for you xap but that doesn't mean he is there.

the love was real for both women I feel and you just don't flip a switch and forget someone you loved overnight and the judgement seems so harsh.

Yes it was wrong to cheat, no one is disputing that but man, pot meet kettle. Im sorry Rainbow you are a nice lady but in this instance Im not getting how this is helpful or where your compassion has gone.

 

This is also why, PG.

 

 

OP,

 

You sound exactly as I did when I ended my affair.

 

I could be writing your posts.

 

I know we are different people with different marriages, but your words could very well be mine...so how different are we really?

 

I am almost 17 months removed from my XAP and working on reconciliation with my wife.

 

When I think back today of who was 17 months ago and the things I did, I can't even believe it was me.

 

17 months later and my biggest regret is not ending my affair sooner. I wish I could undo the whole thing, but I can't.

 

Think about that...

[privategal]

I have been supportive of the OP. I haven't judged him for struggling. I get it.

 

I've been nudging him the entire time to choose between XAP and wife. I've been trying to get him to do that since before DD and after.

 

We have to make tough choices in these situations. He tried to have both for a long time.

 

The difference between me and OP, however, is I never lied to my wife's face while sleeping with someone else.

 

I had the guts to look my wife in the eyes and tell her the ugly truth about falling in love with someone else. I then left my house long before my EA turned PA.

 

What I did was wrong to everyone involved. My wife, my XAP, her XH and myself and our children.

 

I understand this guy's pain...but he had to choose one or the other.

 

I've done nothing but try to help him make a choice and then learn to live with it.

 

 

I didn't mean to put you in the position to defend yourself its just, having been in an EA myself, no one or nothing could have stopped it. It stole my brain, heart, logic, I was not even a thinking human. The A sweeps everyone away. I don't personally see him not taking accountability it seems he suffers from his W's pain.

Lastly just in general and not toward you, but on this site the harshfinger pointing and holier than thou preaching has never seemed to be productive. Its like someone going to AA and then after telling their story the members start throwing stones.

I wouldn't wish the pain confusion and devastation of an A on anyone on either side or angle of it...so with someone coming out of one...I honestly think calmness, compassion and empathy are what works.

I feel for everyone here, and I think your comments really surprised me I usually see you in a more neutral empathetic stance and you reminded me suddenly of someone who had quit smoking and then started preaching to smokers how it caused cancer. That said, I apologize as I believe you have helped many, including myself.

[sandylee1]

Your affair was so open, colleagues are discussing internal details. Seems strange to me. It is as if they are discussing lunch. Plus, your AP is telling co workers she is upset you did not leave the wife. Isn't this embarrassing for her?

 

Workplace affairs can be very messy and public. Others notice what's going on because after a while they get comfortable and carefree. Quite often that's how the BS finds out. I know a couple of people who have anonymously informed the BS of their WS having an affair at work and provided details of the AP.

[privategal]

This is also why, PG.

 

 

please do remember, everyones path post affair will be different.

Each has to make their own way and the way another handled it and dealt with the fallout is not more right or wrong. We are all flawed humans trying to make our way through the pain of flawed decisions and we gotta allow room for other members to see their own truths and support that their way will not be ours. I could be wrong but this man seems to be very conflicted yes, but trying to walk the straight line and it may take time to get out of the fog yet, and time to know the next steps. I see a lot of pain and feel it best to exercise compassion in a clearly delicate time.

[Rainbowlove]

You reminded me suddenly of someone who had quit smoking and then started preaching to smokers how it caused cancer.

 

Funny, I did quit smoking 17 years ago. I'd tell anyone to quit smoking before it kills them.

 

I guess I'm doing the same with quitting the affair before it kills you.

 

I can be harsh if necessary and gentle when necessary.

 

I have at times felt the OP didn't really care about his wife's feelings at all.

 

No need to apologize to me for anything.

 

It's a fine line to balance here on LS when supporting others.

[81West]

There seems to be resistance sometimes to the fact that affairs are real relationships with real love and real history and real pain and real possibility. People can be in a terrible hurry to have the WS just push their AP off the plank as though allowing an OP let their AP linger in their heart for a moment past D-Dday offends some posters' very definition of who deserves to be thought of as a substantial and real human being. People talk about an affair fog, but if I've learned anything from LS it is that one could as easily talk about a marriage fog. Many people stay when they shouldn't, and both fogs aren't much more than constructs that serve to reduce cognitive dissonance when life forces you to make a choice in one direction or another. His relationship was real, and he's made a choice, and he hasn't yet devolved his own history into an 'affair fog'. He will. But for now he has done a lot: he has cut off contact, made some very real self sacrifice in leaving his old office, and is trying hard to see his part in the struggle his marriage is experiencing. He's as imperfect as the rest of us but he should have a safe place to express feelings which are still fresh and have not yet slipped completely into his past without being effectively berated for not ordering the emotional equivalent of a mob hit on a woman he recently cared about.

[obtuseedge]

There seems to be resistance sometimes to the fact that affairs are real relationships with real love and real history and real pain and real possibility. People can be in a terrible hurry to have the WS just push their AP off the plank as though allowing an OP let their AP linger in their heart for a moment past D-Dday offends some posters' very definition of who deserves to be thought of as a substantial and real human being. People talk about an affair fog, but if I've learned anything from LS it is that one could as easily talk about a marriage fog. Many people stay when they shouldn't, and both fogs aren't much more than constructs that serve to reduce cognitive dissonance when life forces you to make a choice in one direction or another. His relationship was real, and he's made a choice, and he hasn't yet devolved his own history into an 'affair fog'. He will. But for now he has done a lot: he has cut off contact, made some very real self sacrifice in leaving his old office, and is trying hard to see his part in the struggle his marriage is experiencing. He's as imperfect as the rest of us but he should have a safe place to express feelings which are still fresh and have not yet slipped completely into his past without being effectively berated for not ordering the emotional equivalent of a mob hit on a woman he recently cared about.

 

Thank you for your post. It really means a lot to me.

 

The fact is, I don't see how it is right for me to suddenly treat my xAP as a non-human because of D-Day.

 

Yes, we were both weak and flawed to have our affair. No, we were not honest and we both acted impulsively and selfishly.

 

But for me to forget all the reasons WHY the affair happened, the kindness she's shown me, the care she's demonstrated for me, the sympathy she's shown me in all of our conversations, it just doesn't seem right or human to simply write her off and stop caring about her.

 

I've come to realize that my vows to my wife should come first, and because of our history and who she IS as a person, she should come first, and I have taken all steps to follow through with that.

 

But to simply pretend that all the things that my xAP did to make me fall in love with her in the first place, never happened, I just don't see how that is humanly possible.

 

I know she is angry, very hurt and very disillusioned by the fact that I am staying in my marriage. This explains a lot of her recent behavior. However, I still wish her the best in life, and I do hope she finds happiness. If anything, I am glad I was there in her life to help her leave an abusive relationship and to come out in a better position poised for success and happiness down the road.

 

I don't hold any ill will for her. I wish her the best of luck, and realize we were two ships sailing past each other and now our lives are on separate paths now and I have to focus on rebuilding the home shared between my wife and I which I have greatly damaged and destroyed due to my mistakes.

[DKT3]

There seems to be resistance sometimes to the fact that affairs are real relationships with real love and real history and real pain and real possibility. People can be in a terrible hurry to have the WS just push their AP off the plank as though allowing an OP let their AP linger in their heart for a moment past D-Dday offends some posters' very definition of who deserves to be thought of as a substantial and real human being. People talk about an affair fog, but if I've learned anything from LS it is that one could as easily talk about a marriage fog. Many people stay when they shouldn't, and both fogs aren't much more than constructs that serve to reduce cognitive dissonance when life forces you to make a choice in one direction or another. His relationship was real, and he's made a choice, and he hasn't yet devolved his own history into an 'affair fog'. He will. But for now he has done a lot: he has cut off contact, made some very real self sacrifice in leaving his old office, and is trying hard to see his part in the struggle his marriage is experiencing. He's as imperfect as the rest of us but he should have a safe place to express feelings which are still fresh and have not yet slipped completely into his past without being effectively berated for not ordering the emotional equivalent of a mob hit on a woman he recently cared about.

 

One could ask, is it more harmful to linger with an AP when the decision is to stay married, then it would be to simply cut it off.

 

Honestly what your suggesting here is more selfish behaviours.

 

Delusions are delusions married or affairs. The term affair fog is mainly due to the fact that affairs aren't REAL relationships, not in terms of feelings but in logistics. Affairs are based in passion, be it the good or bad. Passion can't be sustained.

[whichwayisup]

The fact is, I don't see how it is right for me to suddenly treat my xAP as a non-human because of D-Day.

 

Going NC isn't treating her as a non human. It is something that HAS to happen because your wife is your focus. If you truly want to mend things at home, NC is the way to go. You don't have to be mean, nor do you have to engage (converse, small chat etc etc) at all with exOW. She is not a part of your life anymore.

 

If anything, her nasty behaviour, the things she's said, threatened to do and her opening her mouth to people at work about this IS a reason to stay away from her. She is NOT a victim, you didn't manipulate her, you didn't pull the wool over her eyes during this affair. She was a willing participant. Your wife is the innocent one in all this. You may still have a soft spot for your exOW, but you really need to try your best to not her play in your mind and emotions, that takes away from any effort and progress you're making with your wife. I hope this makes sense to you.

Edited March 27, 2015 by whichwayisup

[fellini]

WOW. Just WOW.

 

So it was okay - at the time - to treat your spouse like what during all this time you were "helping" a victim of abuse escape her horrible abuser? It was okay to allow yourself to fall in love with the victim of abuse and yourself as saviour?

 

What I don't get, is why you think ANYONE HERE is saying you should treat your AP as non-human. WHERE DOES ANYONE SAY THAT?

 

The fact is it is you that began the clever (I have seen it in my own WW so I know it when I see it) REVISIONING of the AP towards more of a RISK in your life in order to push back. The fact is the RISK IS ALL YOU. Your AP is a risk to your BW because YOU are the RISK. Rewriting your AP, as you have done above, is a step in demeaning your relationship with her. And you are the one that raised this issue in a post YOU gave the community.

 

You have said ZERO about your role in jeopardizing NC. For example NC means NOT SITTING DOWN WITH A COLLEAGUE TO DISCUSS THE FALLOUT AND CURRENT SITUATION OF YOUR AP. You are never going to forget the great kindnesses she showed you. You own those in your memories. But to think that treating her like a human means to continue to SHOW her respect and to continue to SPEAK ABOUT HER is nonsense. Your supposed commitment to your BW is paramount and anything you do that DISTRACTS you from that goal is a point against you and you cannot offer up your humanity to your AP as a reasonable excuse to continue to allow your previous relationship to infect your current path.

 

Maybe she isn't mad at you for staying in YOUR MARRIAGE. Maybe she is mad at you because SHE got out of her bad relationship thanks to you and you gave her every reason to believe you would do the same. Maybe she feels betrayed. Maybe for her you weren't just a ship passing by. Maybe you were more than that, and certainly everything here seems to suggest you held the same for her.

 

Maybe your mistake was helping her and getting caught up emotionally in her world. Maybe your wife isn't so pleased that you were there to help her leave an abusive relationship. Maybe you should promise your wife that your days of saving damsels in distress are over, because you simply cannot not transgress the boundaries. Maybe you should just help out guys.

 

I get the feeling you are saying: I don't regret getting involved in this woman's personal issues, and I would do it again for another.

 

Maybe you should think about that baggage for a bit.

 

 

 

The fact is, I don't see how it is right for me to suddenly treat my xAP as a non-human because of D-Day.

 

Yes, we were both weak and flawed to have our affair. No, we were not honest and we both acted impulsively and selfishly.

 

But for me to forget all the reasons WHY the affair happened, the kindness she's shown me, the care she's demonstrated for me, the sympathy she's shown me in all of our conversations, it just doesn't seem right or human to simply write her off and stop caring about her.

 

But to simply pretend that all the things that my xAP did to make me fall in love with her in the first place, never happened, I just don't see how that is humanly possible.

 

I know she is angry, very hurt and very disillusioned by the fact that I am staying in my marriage. This explains a lot of her recent behavior. However, I still wish her the best in life, and I do hope she finds happiness. If anything, I am glad I was there in her life to help her leave an abusive relationship and to come out in a better position poised for success and happiness down the road.

 

I don't hold any ill will for her. I wish her the best of luck, and realize we were two ships sailing past each other and now our lives are on separate paths now and I have to focus on rebuilding the home shared between my wife and I which I have greatly damaged and destroyed due to my mistakes.

Edited March 27, 2015 by fellini

[Lion Heart]

I think everyone here is trying their best to help you get CLARITY in the "confusing" situation you find yourself in.

 

OP "the rub" is simply this:

a) IF you want to SINCERELY reconcile with your BW then you SIMPLY MUST go NC with OW.

b) IF you don't go COMPLETELY 100% NC with OW you are

1) NOT releasing OW in a fair manner whatsoever. The claim you want her to find happiness with an OM is just false. You are NOT releasing her completely as she NEEDS to be entirely released from her addiction to you. AS YOU DO HER!

2) which should have come 1st but you're head is in reverse atm. YOUR BW needs you to go NC with OW to even begin to heal. IF you are not going complete NC with OW WHAT EVER YOU THINK, you are both in a FALSE R.

3) absolutely well and truly "cake-eating".

c) IF you cannot think clearly at all. And make a firm and FAIR decision about WHO you want then pi** off and leave BOTH women with the truth. You don't know what to do! Get out. Be a grown up. Then grow up and KNOW your own mind. The main person you are not being 100% fair to is yourself!

I don't usually espouse being this selfish at all. But your past and present behaviours are self centered in the extreme.

 

STOP right now lying to yourself.

STOP giving TWO women false hope.

 

It's a no brainer that you're wrecking LOTS of lives here.

STOP the damage from now on (you've done far too much damage already!).

.

 

Basically if you can't commit 100% to either woman WITHOUT pining for the other one. Get out. Clear your head. Hopefully both women will move on and realise what a mess you inflicted in their lives and NOT have you back.

 

Good luck detangling from the mess you created.

 

Lion Heart.

[Lion Heart]

Read "Wolf in Sheep's Clothing" this is you.

 

You are NOT the Knight in Shining Armour" you think you are.

 

You are harming good people. Get with the program.

LH

[waterwoman]

Being civil, to-the-point and clear is not treating your AP like a non-human. It is in fact treating her like a mature adult human.

[minimariah]

The fact is, I don't see how it is right for me to suddenly treat my xAP as a non-human because of D-Day.

 

not contacting her is not the same thing as treating her as a non - human. it's moving on with your life & focusing on what's important to you. people cut off others out of their lives every day - nothing inhuman about it, it's called self care. you're going NC in order to make your life better.

 

your biggest problem is your emotional immaturity. you've been living in denial for so long that you can't and don't know how to recognize your true feelings and wishes & translate them into reality.

 

i will say this once again - you are done with your M. every single time you come here with the idea of saving your M & reconnecting with your W - it always comes as a result of something mean or disappointing your AP did. it never came from your actual wish & feelings you're supposed to have for your W.

 

you gotta make a choice when you're getting out of an A - you'll make everything in order to make your M work & that will be your #1 goal OR you'll make everything in order to leave the M.

 

there is no in - between.