Wife found out about affair

[fellini]

I agree completely and would add this.

 

It is one thing to decide to reconcile after an A and to recognise that the AP is not your future, and probably never was. A certain amount of acceptance of the grieving of losing a lover can be anticipated and mostly, but reluctantly tolerated.

 

But the reasons being given for pursuing this marriage are continually tainted with massive doses about the incredible value the AP held and continues to hold for OP.

 

Grieving is not equivalent to pining. You grieve a loss. You pine for having made a difficult choice when you didn't really wish to.

 

I think there are very few people here OP who don't already see that if your BW were to have rejected you, even now, that you would contine NC.

 

In this regard your NC smells an awful lot like my WW'S initially: in a heartbeat my WWs AP would take her back, even today, after nearly 2 years complete NC. I have to live with that. But what I won't live with is thinking that my WW is counting on his patience While she gives the marriage one last shot.

 

 

 

 

not contacting her is not the same thing as treating her as a non - human. it's moving on with your life & focusing on what's important to you. people cut off others out of their lives every day - nothing inhuman about it, it's called self care. you're going NC in order to make your life better.

 

your biggest problem is your emotional immaturity. you've been living in denial for so long that you can't and don't know how to recognize your true feelings and wishes & translate them into reality.

 

i will say this once again - you are done with your M. every single time you come here with the idea of saving your M & reconnecting with your W - it always comes as a result of something mean or disappointing your AP did. it never came from your actual wish & feelings you're supposed to have for your W.

 

you gotta make a choice when you're getting out of an A - you'll make everything in order to make your M work & that will be your #1 goal OR you'll make everything in order to leave the M.

 

there is no in - between.

[truncated]

Going NC isn't treating her as a non human. It is something that HAS to happen because your wife is your focus. If you truly want to mend things at home, NC is the way to go. You don't have to be mean, nor do you have to engage (converse, small chat etc etc) at all with exOW. She is not a part of your life anymore.

 

If anything, her nasty behaviour, the things she's said, threatened to do and her opening her mouth to people at work about this IS a reason to stay away from her. She is NOT a victim, you didn't manipulate her, you didn't pull the wool over her eyes during this affair. She was a willing participant. Your wife is the innocent one in all this. You may still have a soft spot for your exOW, but you really need to try your best to not her play in your mind and emotions, that takes away from any effort and progress you're making with your wife. I hope this makes sense to you.

 

I realize it's hard for the op, but the ow in this case is not some innocent victim.

 

Think of it this way. Mnay people, bs and ow/om alike, feel that the married person is to blame for the affair as they are the ones who made promises to their spouse, and they are the ones who broke that trust. They are the ones who are acting badly.

 

The ow in this situation was a married woman. Why do all the labels stamped onto ws by both sides not apply to her as well?Could it be that she is an ow? If she were an om and is was a ww describing him, I doubt there would be so much sympathy shown to him.

 

The op is still in denial about what his ow is really like. Seems the people in his office know ( so much for the secret affair...I wonder how all the info they are getting about it now is coming out? )

[truncated]

op,

There is a crude saying that goes "either P%^& or get off the pot", and it applies here.

 

The time is coming when you are going to have to make some very tough decisions about your life.

 

The first one will be whether or not you are willing to let go of your ow completely, both in your mind and in your heart. No one is saying that it's like flipping a switch to off form on, but you have to be willing to let it go.

 

If you are willing to do that, then you need to have a very difficult conversation with your wife where you let her know your feelings about the ow. This is not to be cruel, but to let her know what she may be up against so that she can decide whether or not she wants to stand beside you through all of this.

 

I'm not talking about her knowing you had an affair, or even that you are still having contact by proxy with the ow through talking about her with your former coworkers. I'm talking about her knowing the truth about how hard it is for you to let go.

 

Your wife may be a very strong woman ( and I suspect that, given what you have asked her to walk through with you, she is a very strong person, though she may be absolutely crushed inside) but she needs to know what you are asking of her.

 

You are asking her to endure continuing pain, humiliation, anger, agony and a whole slew of negative emotions while she holds your hand as you climb out of the hole you have dug for yourself. you are asking her to be there for you and support you through this, while she does not have the same support.

 

Therapy is great, as is the support of friends and family, but right now, the person who should be the greatest support in her life, the person whom she should always have been able to count on (you) is not there for her. I don't mean that you aren't trying, but in her mind, she may feel very much like she is going through all of this alone. She may well not trust you very much with her true feelings and pain ( and what she is showing you is jutst a small slice of how she feels) and this may last for a long time.

 

If you are asking her to reconcile with you, then you had better get your head on straight. Yes, you are grieving a loss, but I can tel you that what your wife is going through is 1000 times worse and she needs you to be there for her 100 percent right now. Not 50 percent, not 75 percent nor 90 percent. If you can't give her that kind of support, if you can't help her through her pain in the same way you are asking her to help you, if you are not all in the reconciliation in a way that involves more than words but your whole mindset, then ask yourself if this is really fair and kind to your wife.

[SleekArchitecture]

Thank you for your post. It really means a lot to me.

 

If anything, I am glad I was there in her life to help her leave an abusive relationship and to come out in a better position poised for success and happiness down the road.

 

I don't hold any ill will for her. I wish her the best of luck, and realize we were two ships sailing past each other and now our lives are on separate paths now and I have to focus on rebuilding the home shared between my wife and I which I have greatly damaged and destroyed due to my mistakes.

 

You are kidding yourself and making yourself out a hero in this woman's life when you were anything but that. She is hurt from a man who professed deep deep love for her and she is in a better position? I can think of a handful of better men who she could have been involved with during separation, not a user.

 

Two ships passing by? Really. Harlequin romance?? I need a bag...going to vom...vom..vomit.

[81West]

Thank you for your post. It really means a lot to me.

 

The fact is, I don't see how it is right for me to suddenly treat my xAP as a non-human because of D-Day.

 

Yes, we were both weak and flawed to have our affair. No, we were not honest and we both acted impulsively and selfishly.

 

But for me to forget all the reasons WHY the affair happened, the kindness she's shown me, the care she's demonstrated for me, the sympathy she's shown me in all of our conversations, it just doesn't seem right or human to simply write her off and stop caring about her.

 

I've come to realize that my vows to my wife should come first, and because of our history and who she IS as a person, she should come first, and I have taken all steps to follow through with that.

 

But to simply pretend that all the things that my xAP did to make me fall in love with her in the first place, never happened, I just don't see how that is humanly possible.

 

I know she is angry, very hurt and very disillusioned by the fact that I am staying in my marriage. This explains a lot of her recent behavior. However, I still wish her the best in life, and I do hope she finds happiness. If anything, I am glad I was there in her life to help her leave an abusive relationship and to come out in a better position poised for success and happiness down the road.

 

I don't hold any ill will for her. I wish her the best of luck, and realize we were two ships sailing past each other and now our lives are on separate paths now and I have to focus on rebuilding the home shared between my wife and I which I have greatly damaged and destroyed due to my mistakes.

 

Despite the difficult, self-inflicted circumstances you've done a lot of things right and I think it's important to acknowledge that. You made a decision and communicated that clearly and with finality to your AP. One only has to skim the OW/OM forum here to know that that can be rare. Many WS selfishly smooth their own way with open ended non-endings that manage their OPs right out of their lives and into extended emotional damage. You have established NC and kept to it. Not always easy to do. You are willingly looking at yourself honestly and trying to see and acknowledge your flaws and weaknesses.

 

Your reasons for staying to work on and hopefully recover your marriage are positive rather than negative - like positive and negative in terms of a photograph - you are working on it because of something that is present, not because of something that you fear will be absent. By that I mean you made the choice you made primarily because of the woman your wife is and the value you place on that, rather than making the choice primarily out of fear that you will lose things like social status, financial assets and the like. That gives you a much more solid footing to start rebuilding on, and indicates I think that you've made the right choice at this point in your life. Still, what you're doing right now is hard. This remains true even though you're the one who has created these difficult circumstances in your life. You've left the easy happiness of an affair and plunged yourself into the difficult, tense and sometimes lonely work of repairing and rebuilding. I just want to acknowledge that. You're doing the right thing, which you often can recognize because it is the hard thing.

 

It is inevitable that you will think of your AP at this stage. Perhaps you can help make that a constructive process to your current goals by figuring out what, if any, real legitimate needs your affair served. You've been plenty open to the fact that you were selfish and enjoyed the near worship of a beautiful woman, and while that is every boy's fantasy (I can't help but smile pretty hard to myself here - I do get it), a man of character expects more of himself. And you've been plenty honest and plenty if necessarily hard on yourself in this regard. You need to be as honest and open to figuring out if there were also real things that were missing from your marriage, because at some point in the process your needs must come back and share the forefront with your wife's if you are to succeed.

 

I think you're on the right track. Generally speaking a woman's primary need is emotional safety and security, and right now it's your job to rebuild that for your wife so she can have some trust and belief in the process. She will feel better if she feels every day that you are trying to earn her investment in you in these ugly circumstances she didn't choose and didn't directly create. You can't control every thought and every emotion but you can control your actions - and you've done that really well on the whole I think. I don't know what the end result will be but I don't think you'll ever regret giving it the best of you in trying.

[obtuseedge]

not contacting her is not the same thing as treating her as a non - human. it's moving on with your life & focusing on what's important to you. people cut off others out of their lives every day - nothing inhuman about it, it's called self care. you're going NC in order to make your life better.

 

your biggest problem is your emotional immaturity. you've been living in denial for so long that you can't and don't know how to recognize your true feelings and wishes & translate them into reality.

 

i will say this once again - you are done with your M. every single time you come here with the idea of saving your M & reconnecting with your W - it always comes as a result of something mean or disappointing your AP did. it never came from your actual wish & feelings you're supposed to have for your W.

 

you gotta make a choice when you're getting out of an A - you'll make everything in order to make your M work & that will be your #1 goal OR you'll make everything in order to leave the M.

 

there is no in - between.

 

I'm not done with my marriage. I'm staying in my marriage because

 

1. My wife and I still love one another

 

2. I am willing to work on the internal issues that's caused this

 

3. We are taking concrete steps every day to rebuild our connections, planned dates, communicating, doing activities together

 

4. My wife is a good woman with many qualities that I desire, so I'm not leaving, I'm going to work on my marriage

[obtuseedge]

Despite the difficult, self-inflicted circumstances you've done a lot of things right and I think it's important to acknowledge that. You made a decision and communicated that clearly and with finality to your AP. One only has to skim the OW/OM forum here to know that that can be rare. Many WS selfishly smooth their own way with open ended non-endings that manage their OPs right out of their lives and into extended emotional damage. You have established NC and kept to it. Not always easy to do. You are willingly looking at yourself honestly and trying to see and acknowledge your flaws and weaknesses.

 

Your reasons for staying to work on and hopefully recover your marriage are positive rather than negative - like positive and negative in terms of a photograph - you are working on it because of something that is present, not because of something that you fear will be absent. By that I mean you made the choice you made primarily because of the woman your wife is and the value you place on that, rather than making the choice primarily out of fear that you will lose things like social status, financial assets and the like. That gives you a much more solid footing to start rebuilding on, and indicates I think that you've made the right choice at this point in your life. Still, what you're doing right now is hard. This remains true even though you're the one who has created these difficult circumstances in your life. You've left the easy happiness of an affair and plunged yourself into the difficult, tense and sometimes lonely work of repairing and rebuilding. I just want to acknowledge that. You're doing the right thing, which you often can recognize because it is the hard thing.

 

It is inevitable that you will think of your AP at this stage. Perhaps you can help make that a constructive process to your current goals by figuring out what, if any, real legitimate needs your affair served. You've been plenty open to the fact that you were selfish and enjoyed the near worship of a beautiful woman, and while that is every boy's fantasy (I can't help but smile pretty hard to myself here - I do get it), a man of character expects more of himself. And you've been plenty honest and plenty if necessarily hard on yourself in this regard. You need to be as honest and open to figuring out if there were also real things that were missing from your marriage, because at some point in the process your needs must come back and share the forefront with your wife's if you are to succeed.

 

I think you're on the right track. Generally speaking a woman's primary need is emotional safety and security, and right now it's your job to rebuild that for your wife so she can have some trust and belief in the process. She will feel better if she feels every day that you are trying to earn her investment in you in these ugly circumstances she didn't choose and didn't directly create. You can't control every thought and every emotion but you can control your actions - and you've done that really well on the whole I think. I don't know what the end result will be but I don't think you'll ever regret giving it the best of you in trying.

 

Thank you. That's exactly what I'm trying to do right now, to rebuild things one day at a time. It hasn't been easy navigating through this entire situation and it's been a roller coaster, but day by day, I think it becomes clearer.

[obtuseedge]

WOW. Just WOW.

 

So it was okay - at the time - to treat your spouse like what during all this time you were "helping" a victim of abuse escape her horrible abuser? It was okay to allow yourself to fall in love with the victim of abuse and yourself as saviour?

 

What I don't get, is why you think ANYONE HERE is saying you should treat your AP as non-human. WHERE DOES ANYONE SAY THAT?

 

The fact is it is you that began the clever (I have seen it in my own WW so I know it when I see it) REVISIONING of the AP towards more of a RISK in your life in order to push back. The fact is the RISK IS ALL YOU. Your AP is a risk to your BW because YOU are the RISK. Rewriting your AP, as you have done above, is a step in demeaning your relationship with her. And you are the one that raised this issue in a post YOU gave the community.

 

You have said ZERO about your role in jeopardizing NC. For example NC means NOT SITTING DOWN WITH A COLLEAGUE TO DISCUSS THE FALLOUT AND CURRENT SITUATION OF YOUR AP. You are never going to forget the great kindnesses she showed you. You own those in your memories. But to think that treating her like a human means to continue to SHOW her respect and to continue to SPEAK ABOUT HER is nonsense. Your supposed commitment to your BW is paramount and anything you do that DISTRACTS you from that goal is a point against you and you cannot offer up your humanity to your AP as a reasonable excuse to continue to allow your previous relationship to infect your current path.

 

Maybe she isn't mad at you for staying in YOUR MARRIAGE. Maybe she is mad at you because SHE got out of her bad relationship thanks to you and you gave her every reason to believe you would do the same. Maybe she feels betrayed. Maybe for her you weren't just a ship passing by. Maybe you were more than that, and certainly everything here seems to suggest you held the same for her.

 

Maybe your mistake was helping her and getting caught up emotionally in her world. Maybe your wife isn't so pleased that you were there to help her leave an abusive relationship. Maybe you should promise your wife that your days of saving damsels in distress are over, because you simply cannot not transgress the boundaries. Maybe you should just help out guys.

 

I get the feeling you are saying: I don't regret getting involved in this woman's personal issues, and I would do it again for another.

 

Maybe you should think about that baggage for a bit.

 

1. No, I do not desire to get involved in an affair again because it is very emotionally damaging.

 

2. NO, like I stated MANY TIMES HERE, I have NEVER ONCE led my xAP on or made her believe I would leave my marriage for her. NOT ONCE. LET ME MAKE THAT VERY CLEAR LIKE I HAVE MANY TIMES HERE.

 

NOT ONCE.

 

3. Yes, she expected more. Because of our chemistry, she convinced herself that regardless of what I said, we would eventually be together. She is very disappointed because that's not what eventually happened.

 

4. Yes, she was in a very abusive relationship, and I'm not saying that I want to go around saving damsels, but if anything good has come out of this mess, at least she got out of that relationship due to our affair.

[SleekArchitecture]

1. No, I do not desire to get involved in an affair again because it is very emotionally damaging.

 

2. NO, like I stated MANY TIMES HERE, I have NEVER ONCE led my xAP on or made her believe I would leave my marriage for her. NOT ONCE. LET ME MAKE THAT VERY CLEAR LIKE I HAVE MANY TIMES HERE.

 

NOT ONCE.

 

3. Yes, she expected more. Because of our chemistry, she convinced herself that regardless of what I said, we would eventually be together. She is very disappointed because that's not what eventually happened.

 

4. Yes, she was in a very abusive relationship, and I'm not saying that I want to go around saving damsels, but if anything good has come out of this mess, at least she got out of that relationship due to our affair.

 

It doesn't matter you said those things at all, women are taught to go by actions not words. Once you stepped outside your marriage your actions showed you were on your way out the door, once you stepped back in it shows your back. This is the sign the OW needs to find something better than old baggage. Your words met nothing honorable. Remember you broke your vows, words. It means nothing more and nothing less than any other cake gulper.

[fellini]

You continue to confuse me about what your feelings were for this other woman.

 

go back and read your second post from this thread.

 

something like "I'm beginning to think I cannot be with this woman"

 

I apologized if I interpreted that to mean what it seems to say: you saw yourself being with this woman.

 

1. No, I do not desire to get involved in an affair again because it is very emotionally damaging.

 

2. NO, like I stated MANY TIMES HERE, I have NEVER ONCE led my xAP on or made her believe I would leave my marriage for her. NOT ONCE. LET ME MAKE THAT VERY CLEAR LIKE I HAVE MANY TIMES HERE.

 

NOT ONCE.

 

3. Yes, she expected more. Because of our chemistry, she convinced herself that regardless of what I said, we would eventually be together. She is very disappointed because that's not what eventually happened.

 

4. Yes, she was in a very abusive relationship, and I'm not saying that I want to go around saving damsels, but if anything good has come out of this mess, at least she got out of that relationship due to our affair.

[obtuseedge]

You continue to confuse me about what your feelings were for this other woman.

 

go back and read your second post from this thread.

 

something like "I'm beginning to think I cannot be with this woman"

 

I apologized if I interpreted that to mean what it seems to say: you saw yourself being with this woman.

 

There was a time when I considered the possibility of a life with my xAP.

 

However, I never verbalized it. Whenever we broached the subject, I always stated I would not leave my marriage.

[fellini]

I think you are watering it down a little, but fine - what you,say is exactly what my WW said to me. oh yeah she told him, "that's not what this is about". She set limits about meetings which she broke.

 

You see it didn't matter that she said she wasn't going to leave her marriage - she already had in her head. And every thing she did with her AP spoke the opposite. He was absolutely convinced she would just leave to be with him. He didn't need to hear anything. Body language speaks volumes.

 

And she was convinced she wouldn't. Later she recognised that it was only a matter of time.

 

Don't think your AP was any different, in fact she verbalized it to your ex colleagues.

 

There was a time when I considered the possibility of a life with my xAP.

 

However, I never verbalized it. Whenever we broached the subject, I always stated I would not leave my marriage.

[fellini]

I know what it means not to be done with a marriage. I think somewhere in month 4 post dday I became acutely cognizant to the fact that my WW'S throwing AP under the bus was not for the reasons I thought they were.

 

She was pretty much done with me at that point in her affair, but not with THE MARRIAGE. I would appreciate it if you are able to acknowledge the difference - I think most of your posts show you were/are there if you,are completely honest with yourself.

 

No, my wife agreed with reconciliation because of the marriage and all the baggage that it entails: not least of which was our daughter.

 

I'm not big on using ifs but this one is how I look at it.

 

It was as if she could go to sleep and wake up with AP in our bed instead of me, and our daughter wouldn't be aware, or her family, or her colleagues. .. if she could just substitute the husband unit she would have preferred to do so. A no cost husband exchange. Un upgrade

 

An affair was the closest she could get to that dream.

 

Nearly 2 years later we are way past that dream. But maybe you asked yourself the same thing once. I dont want my marriage to be over, just prefer to upgrade my spouse unit.

 

 

 

I'm not done with my marriage. I'm staying in my marriage because

 

1. My wife and I still love one another

 

2. I am willing to work on the internal issues that's caused this

 

3. We are taking concrete steps every day to rebuild our connections, planned dates, communicating, doing activities together

 

4. My wife is a good woman with many qualities that I desire, so I'm not leaving, I'm going to work on my marriage

[obtuseedge]

I know what it means not to be done with a marriage. I think somewhere in month 4 post dday I became acutely cognizant to the fact that my WW'S throwing AP under the bus was not for the reasons I thought they were.

 

She was pretty much done with me at that point in her affair, but not with THE MARRIAGE. I would appreciate it if you are able to acknowledge the difference - I think most of your posts show you were/are there if you,are completely honest with yourself.

 

No, my wife agreed with reconciliation because of the marriage and all the baggage that it entails: not least of which was our daughter.

 

I'm not big on using ifs but this one is how I look at it.

 

It was as if she could go to sleep and wake up with AP in our bed instead of me, and our daughter wouldn't be aware, or her family, or her colleagues. .. if she could just substitute the husband unit she would have preferred to do so. A no cost husband exchange. Un upgrade

 

An affair was the closest she could get to that dream.

 

Nearly 2 years later we are way past that dream. But maybe you asked yourself the same thing once. I dont want my marriage to be over, just prefer to upgrade my spouse unit.

 

If I am honest, if I was to answer this question maybe 2 months ago. Yes, if I could magically replace my wife with my xAP two months ago, I probably would've done that.

 

Since then though, I've had a lot of time and opportunity to reflect on myself, on my wife and on my xAP. Frankly, I don't think my xAP would be a good life partner, and we probably wouldn't even have lasted 11 years. My wife has many of the qualities that are important in a life partner and the way both of them have reacted to this crisis has also confirmed that my wife's maturity is leagues ahead of both me and my xAP.

 

So I'm starting to come to appreciate many things I've taken for granted all these years. It isn't easy, because looking back, not only have I had a self absorbed mindset but I've also always suffered from mild to moderate depression which prevented me from being thankful for things in my life. Counseling and reflection is helping me change that, it's a challenge but I'm taking it one day at a time.

[thummper]

Cherish your wife, Obtuse! She knows you and your faults and loves you anyway. Don't throw her away for a fantasy. A good woman is hard to find in this world. Please be good to her.

[SleekArchitecture]

If I am honest, if I was to answer this question maybe 2 months ago. Yes, if I could magically replace my wife with my xAP two months ago, I probably would've done that.

 

Since then though, I've had a lot of time and opportunity to reflect on myself, on my wife and on my xAP. Frankly, I don't think my xAP would be a good life partner, and we probably wouldn't even have lasted 11 years. My wife has many of the qualities that are important in a life partner and the way both of them have reacted to this crisis has also confirmed that my wife's maturity is leagues ahead of both me and my xAP.

 

So I'm starting to come to appreciate many things I've taken for granted all these years. It isn't easy, because looking back, not only have I had a self absorbed mindset but I've also always suffered from mild to moderate depression which prevented me from being thankful for things in my life. Counseling and reflection is helping me change that, it's a challenge but I'm taking it one day at a time.

 

It is fabulous that you figured it out. However the AP will make a wonderful long term partner with a special man that is meant for her as your wife is meant for you. She is not the right one for you, but will make another man very happy who probably would not want someone like your wife as a life long partner either. I believe people are meant to be with certain people and this just was not a good match for her or you. I hope your marriage works out in the long run.

[fellini]

I think a lot of people like to believe in "the match made in heaven", "the one". But to believe in that one has to believe in a lot of stuff that also doesn't wash with common sense or logic or anything tangible.

 

To be honest I think it's more like: if you are with X person, your life goes like this, and if you choose Y your life goes like that.

 

No magic. Just choose who you want to be with and be. There is no "better" here. He chooses, a second time, his wife. Now he has to live with that choice and make the best of it.

 

Had he chosen the other, or any other, its the same gig. You do what you have to do. Either way, you're happy.

 

 

 

 

It is fabulous that you figured it out. However the AP will make a wonderful long term partner with a special man that is meant for her as your wife is meant for you. She is not the right one for you, but will make another man very happy who probably would not want someone like your wife as a life long partner either. I believe people are meant to be with certain people and this just was not a good match for her or you. I hope your marriage works out in the long run.

[Furious]

This thread is all over the map. It's bizarre, in the sense that OP is quite self involved, the affair and marriage seems irrelevant in regard to the limbo state of the OP. I have a feeling he will end up with neither the affair partner or his spouse.

 

Ironically, it's early days after d-day, the OP seems to still take his wife for granted, that if he decides to stay in the marriage his wife will be there. I think his wife is in the initial stage of shock and her fieceness and anger has yet to surface.

 

It's as though OP is in a trance like.."what's best FOR ME" mentality. His ego is bloated, two women vying for him. I see his rambling as a self involved person, debating between choosing the Madonna or the Vixen. it's all about him, and who makes him feel best about himself.

 

Vixen says bad, now the wife is #1. Oh...now vixen said something nice and maybe marriage is questionable. It's a repetitive cycle, the only constant is your ego.

[GollumsNightmare]

Aren't 45 pages enough?

[BlueIris]

I think you should go back to the affair partner and let your solid positive spouse go so that she can find someone who not only appreciates her but is also passionate about her. You don't care about your spouse much and she deserves better than that.

[jan2012]

If I am honest, if I was to answer this question maybe 2 months ago. Yes, if I could magically replace my wife with my xAP two months ago, I probably would've done that.

 

Since then though, I've had a lot of time and opportunity to reflect on myself, on my wife and on my xAP. Frankly, I don't think my xAP would be a good life partner, and we probably wouldn't even have lasted 11 years. My wife has many of the qualities that are important in a life partner and the way both of them have reacted to this crisis has also confirmed that my wife's maturity is leagues ahead of both me and my xAP.

 

So I'm starting to come to appreciate many things I've taken for granted all these years. It isn't easy, because looking back, not only have I had a self absorbed mindset but I've also always suffered from mild to moderate depression which prevented me from being thankful for things in my life. Counseling and reflection is helping me change that, it's a challenge but I'm taking it one day at a time.

 

are you somebody who had a hard time choosing what college to go to, what house to buy and where to go on vacation?

[obtuseedge]

are you somebody who had a hard time choosing what college to go to, what house to buy and where to go on vacation?

 

No actually. I make my decisions on most other things in life rather easily.

[truncated]

OP,

try writing out a letter to your wife on here. In it, explain why she is special to you, why you chose her and why you chose not to continue the affair.

 

Tell us about you wife and her great qualities that make you love her and why you feel lucky that she has chosen to reconcile with you.

 

( i'm asking you to do this because it might help you sort out your feelings a bit further, and also because for all we know about you and yur ow, I don't we know that much about your wife and what you feel makes your marriage worth fighting for)

[jan2012]

No actually. I make my decisions on most other things in life rather easily.

 

this should be just as easy.

[afoolto no end]

6 month affair is not a choice, you should be embarrassed you are even thinking on those lines, it is nothing, it was an affair…….

do you have any idea how your wife feels standing with you when you are even considering an affair over her and your marriage to her, how disrespectful can you be that you even allow your brain to be there, so hurtful if she knew, I hope to God you never say that to her…………….