Wife found out about affair

[elaine567]

I think you should go back to the affair partner and let your solid positive spouse go so that she can find someone who not only appreciates her but is also passionate about her. You don't care about your spouse much and she deserves better than that.

 

I think he should leave both women well alone, the OW would I guess never have landed in this mess if she hadn't been abused by her husband and needed "saving", and the wife would never have chosen willingly to be with a cheater. At least the OW can move on, the poor wife will be forever looking over her shoulder.

I guess both would be better off alone.

[BlueIris]

I think he should leave both women well alone, the OW would I guess never have landed in this mess if she hadn't been abused by her husband and needed "saving", and the wife would never have chosen willingly to be with a cheater. At least the OW can move on, the poor wife will be forever looking over her shoulder.

I guess both would be better off alone.

 

You're right.

[Panda9080]

I read your first post and last one. It looks like you figured it out and going on the right track.

 

I just wonder if you know why (the real motivation) your wife wants to maintain the marriage? for children? feeling for you? financial motivation? etc...

 

You are very right. The whole incidence created some mess, but it changed both of you and your marriage. If you handle it successfully, it will be better for both of you (you and your wife)

 

Pls do give your AP a honest explanation. She is in pain too. She will understand you if she is mart and loves you as you said.

 

Best of luck.

[autumnnight]

I read your first post and last one. It looks like you figured it out and going on the right track.

 

I just wonder if you know why (the real motivation) your wife wants to maintain the marriage? for children? feeling for you? financial motivation? etc...

 

You are very right. The whole incidence created some mess, but it changed both of you and your marriage. If you handle it successfully, it will be better for both of you (you and your wife)

 

Pls do give your AP a honest explanation. She is in pain too. She will understand you if she is mart and loves you as you said.

 

Best of luck.

 

He's already had closure ad nauseum with the AP

[obtuseedge]

I read your first post and last one. It looks like you figured it out and going on the right track.

 

I just wonder if you know why (the real motivation) your wife wants to maintain the marriage? for children? feeling for you? financial motivation? etc...

 

You are very right. The whole incidence created some mess, but it changed both of you and your marriage. If you handle it successfully, it will be better for both of you (you and your wife)

 

Pls do give your AP a honest explanation. She is in pain too. She will understand you if she is mart and loves you as you said.

 

Best of luck.

 

My wife wants to stay in the marriage because she really loves me, even though a part of her probably hates me right now. We have gone through a lot together and we have invested a lot of our lives together. She's also very committed to working out marriages and the long haul. That's why she's not leaving.

 

I've told my xAP just that. It hasn't stopped her from demonstrating a lot of bitterness in me not leaving my marriage.

 

What I can't really understand about where she is coming from is that her husband and her friends/family never found out about the affair. The affair allowed her to leave an abusive marriage. Today, she's in a better place than ever, single, beautiful and successful. Yet she's still bitter at me for wanting to reconcile with my wife.

[obtuseedge]

OP,

try writing out a letter to your wife on here. In it, explain why she is special to you, why you chose her and why you chose not to continue the affair.

 

Tell us about you wife and her great qualities that make you love her and why you feel lucky that she has chosen to reconcile with you.

 

( i'm asking you to do this because it might help you sort out your feelings a bit further, and also because for all we know about you and yur ow, I don't we know that much about your wife and what you feel makes your marriage worth fighting for)

 

Sounds like a good idea. I will work on this.

[whichwayisup]

I read your first post and last one. It looks like you figured it out and going on the right track.

 

I just wonder if you know why (the real motivation) your wife wants to maintain the marriage? for children? feeling for you? financial motivation? etc...

 

You are very right. The whole incidence created some mess, but it changed both of you and your marriage. If you handle it successfully, it will be better for both of you (you and your wife)

 

Pls do give your AP a honest explanation. She is in pain too. She will understand you if she is mart and loves you as you said.

 

Best of luck.

 

Better read up on what happened between the first and last posts you read. His exOW showed an awful and nasty way about her, threatened to show up at his house, threatened to kill herself. This OW is not innocent and she was a married wife while the A started. She isn't a victim, she was a willing partner in this.

[whichwayisup]

My wife wants to stay in the marriage because she really loves me, even though a part of her probably hates me right now. We have gone through a lot together and we have invested a lot of our lives together. She's also very committed to working out marriages and the long haul. That's why she's not leaving.

 

I've told my xAP just that. It hasn't stopped her from demonstrating a lot of bitterness in me not leaving my marriage.

 

What I can't really understand about where she is coming from is that her husband and her friends/family never found out about the affair. The affair allowed her to leave an abusive marriage. Today, she's in a better place than ever, single, beautiful and successful. Yet she's still bitter at me for wanting to reconcile with my wife.

 

You can't change that. It's how she feels. What you can do is how you react to her from now on and not let what she thinks or feels get to you. She's EX-OW. Stop talking to her on a personal level. You do not have to hear anything more, you can walk away and not listen.

 

I hope soon you're able to find another job, away from her. As long as you're working in the same office your wife won't begin to trust you. Knowing each day you could see and run into, speak to exOW weighs on her mind, much more than you know.

[obtuseedge]

You can't change that. It's how she feels. What you can do is how you react to her from now on and not let what she thinks or feels get to you. She's EX-OW. Stop talking to her on a personal level. You do not have to hear anything more, you can walk away and not listen.

 

I hope soon you're able to find another job, away from her. As long as you're working in the same office your wife won't begin to trust you. Knowing each day you could see and run into, speak to exOW weighs on her mind, much more than you know.

 

I have changed offices, as of two weeks ago. What I know about her current mood is what my ex-coworkers tell me. She's acting like a scorn woman. To be honest, yes it does bother me.

[bathtub-row]

I have changed offices, as of two weeks ago. What I know about her current mood is what my ex-coworkers tell me. She's acting like a scorn woman. To be honest, yes it does bother me.

 

Here's a clue for you - she IS a scorned woman. While I totally disagree with the OW's behavior, your logic about how the affair saved her is completely off-base. If you look at things from her perspective, her ex betrayed her by abusing her, then you enter her life and win her trust but end up betraying her too. She probably feels used by you, and broken beyond repair. She is lashing out so that she doesn't fall apart.

 

I think she should be way more understanding about your wife's feelings but I think she believed, for some reason, that you were very disconnected from your wife and that you would bolt from your marriage the second you got the chance. Now she knows that isn't true. Now you've moved your office to get away from her. This is what MM do to the OW. They destroy them and then convince themselves that they somehow did them a favor. She gave you a huge benefit of the doubt by letting you in her life while you were a MM and she now knows she didn't mean all that much to you after all. So, don't wonder why she's so hurt and angry.

Edited March 30, 2015 by bathtub-row

[velvette]

I have changed offices, as of two weeks ago. What I know about her current mood is what my ex-coworkers tell me. She's acting like a scorn woman. To be honest, yes it does bother me.

 

 

You should be dancing a jig because you have dodged a bullet with this woman. Do you not see that this behavior is how she operates. If you were in a relationship with her, this is what you would see the first time you disappointed her or didn't do what she wanted you to do.

 

 

She has issues. No one stays in an abusive marriage unless they have issues. Of course, you have to wonder exactly how abusive her H was or whether or not he was reacting to her actions/abuse.

 

 

She needs to have herself in therapy rather than unprofessionally making the end of her A the subject of office gossip.

 

 

You need to get over the idea that you rescued her. If anything, she used you to get out of her marriage. The same way she used her husband to provide her with the lifestyle she wanted.

 

 

Let it all go and focus on your M. Tell your friends to stop telling you what she says.

[whichwayisup]

I have changed offices, as of two weeks ago. What I know about her current mood is what my ex-coworkers tell me. She's acting like a scorn woman. To be honest, yes it does bother me.

 

 

Can you tell your co workers to stop telling you about her, what she is doing and saying? Not your problem anymore. The more you hear about it, the more she'll be in your head! How do you get over someone if you hear about them a lot, having updates about her?

[obtuseedge]

Just an update. Nothing very dramatic has been going on. Been going to counseling. However, as time goes on and I've had a chance to analyze our marriage and myself in counseling, there are certain core issues in our marriage that has gone unresolved. Some of them are my fault, and some of them are my wife's fault.

 

One issue that we've always had in our communication is that she is a very self righteous and stubborn person, and has to always be right. In fact, I don't ever recall her ever apologizing about anything important, and even when she has to acknowledge my points in an argument, she does it extremely begrudgingly. This has been a major stumbling block in our communication. She also tends to be very critical and her ties with my family are strained. Matter of factly, my family generally are not fond of her, and she generally avoids interaction with them.

 

So I'm not sure how to go about rectifying these issues. I am honestly trying to do my part in fixing the pain of the affair, but there were deeper roots which caused distance in our relationship and they have gone unresolved. Up to now, my wife still refuses to take responsibility for any of the issues in our marriage and whenever we discuss them, it turns into an argument in which she turns everything around to place the blame on me. It's extremely frustrating. After analyzing events of the last few years, I realized that after our arguments, I typically just waited until the anger to subside, then we just moved on without the issue being resolved.

[velvette]

Are you addressing this with the counselor? Is she giving the two of you any guidance on this?

 

 

Being self-righteous/hyper critical is a habit for your wife; one she likely learned from her family of origins....should be easy to identify that if you know your in-laws.

 

 

Both of you are entitled to get what you need/want from the marriage and each other. But, first you have to agree on that principle.

 

 

Then you have to lay out what you want.

 

 

Honestly, this is not the greatest time for you to try to get your wife on board with letting go of a habit that is ingrained for a lifetime. She's hurt and probably not all that keen on making you feel better after what you have done.

 

 

Better to gently work on your side of the equation. Rather than get angry, focus on getting what you want. Once the argument starts when the two of you have allowed this kind of hurt/resentment to build, no one is going to win.

 

 

When she is critical. Tell her it hurts you when she talks to you like that. Say it calmly.

 

 

The few times she does this, put your hurt feelings/anger aside and actually listen logically to her criticism. Is there any validity to it? Even if its just a preference she has about how something is done....if she asked you nicely to do it her way would you be willing. If so, tell her that.

 

 

Sometimes, we can change others behavior by changing how we respond to them.

 

 

In the long run, she needs to address this and change her habits. You need to enlist the counselors help as it will be easier coming from a neutral party.

 

 

But, keep in mind, she may not give a rats ass about changing herself until she feels safe with you after what has gone on with your A.

[Zenstudent]

What does your wife need from you?

[obtuseedge]

Are you addressing this with the counselor? Is she giving the two of you any guidance on this?

 

 

Being self-righteous/hyper critical is a habit for your wife; one she likely learned from her family of origins....should be easy to identify that if you know your in-laws.

 

 

Both of you are entitled to get what you need/want from the marriage and each other. But, first you have to agree on that principle.

 

 

Then you have to lay out what you want.

 

 

Honestly, this is not the greatest time for you to try to get your wife on board with letting go of a habit that is ingrained for a lifetime. She's hurt and probably not all that keen on making you feel better after what you have done.

 

 

Better to gently work on your side of the equation. Rather than get angry, focus on getting what you want. Once the argument starts when the two of you have allowed this kind of hurt/resentment to build, no one is going to win.

 

 

When she is critical. Tell her it hurts you when she talks to you like that. Say it calmly.

 

 

The few times she does this, put your hurt feelings/anger aside and actually listen logically to her criticism. Is there any validity to it? Even if its just a preference she has about how something is done....if she asked you nicely to do it her way would you be willing. If so, tell her that.

 

 

Sometimes, we can change others behavior by changing how we respond to them.

 

 

In the long run, she needs to address this and change her habits. You need to enlist the counselors help as it will be easier coming from a neutral party.

 

 

But, keep in mind, she may not give a rats ass about changing herself until she feels safe with you after what has gone on with your A.

 

She gets her anger and stubborn attitude from her father. She was also the black sheep in her family and I think it was ingrained in her to be defiant and defensive. The problem is, she tends to be hypercritical of others often, while she won't tolerate the slightest criticism.

 

The strains with my family are primarily related to my mother, who, though well meaning, can be quite intrusive and bossy. This grates on my wife. In the initial years, this used to be the primary cause of arguments between us, but through the years, I've tried to understand her perspective more and more and have often talked to my mom about it, while trying to keep space between them. But what really grates on me, is that she is also passive aggressively rude towards my father and brother at times, who have been nothing but polite and nice to her.

 

Looking back, I've realized that in past arguments, there were many occasions where I've reflected on things I've done to upset her, and worked things out by apologizing to her and telling her why I understood where she was coming from. I don't recall one time when she did the same for me. Typically, we'd have a big argument and she would never budge an inch from her position. The anger would subside and she'd just act normal again, or do something nice for me, and that would be the end of it. But she'd never apologize nor acknowledge my feelings. I guess I typically just swept things under the rug, and it's built a lot of resentment, which is a major reason why we started to zone out into our own worlds.

 

I am meeting with the counselor today and I will be addressing these points.

[obtuseedge]

What does your wife need from you?

 

Love, honesty and stability.

[the_artist_1970]

Here's a clue for you - she IS a scorned woman. While I totally disagree with the OW's behavior, your logic about how the affair saved her is completely off-base. If you look at things from her perspective, her ex betrayed her by abusing her, then you enter her life and win her trust but end up betraying her too. She probably feels used by you, and broken beyond repair. She is lashing out so that she doesn't fall apart.

 

I think she should be way more understanding about your wife's feelings but I think she believed, for some reason, that you were very disconnected from your wife and that you would bolt from your marriage the second you got the chance. Now she knows that isn't true. Now you've moved your office to get away from her. This is what MM do to the OW. They destroy them and then convince themselves that they somehow did them a favor. She gave you a huge benefit of the doubt by letting you in her life while you were a MM and she now knows she didn't mean all that much to you after all. So, don't wonder why she's so hurt and angry.

 

If anyone allows one man/woman to destroy them and inhibit them from moving on, that person has a lot deeper issues that no one outside of themselves can heal. One person should NEVER have the power to destroy your entire future just because they do not want to be with you anymore. He owes his XOW nothing. She knew he was married when she got involved. Mature ppl know that when you enter into destructive relationships like one with a MM, you will probably get hurt very badly.

 

OP focus on your W and your M and make sure that she is OK. You and her need to create a team against the world concept in your M and forget about outsiders. Satisfy each other's every need and make a better M.

[truncated]

She gets her anger and stubborn attitude from her father. She was also the black sheep in her family and I think it was ingrained in her to be defiant and defensive. The problem is, she tends to be hypercritical of others often, while she won't tolerate the slightest criticism.

 

The strains with my family are primarily related to my mother, who, though well meaning, can be quite intrusive and bossy. This grates on my wife. In the initial years, this used to be the primary cause of arguments between us, but through the years, I've tried to understand her perspective more and more and have often talked to my mom about it, while trying to keep space between them. But what really grates on me, is that she is also passive aggressively rude towards my father and brother at times, who have been nothing but polite and nice to her.

 

Looking back, I've realized that in past arguments, there were many occasions where I've reflected on things I've done to upset her, and worked things out by apologizing to her and telling her why I understood where she was coming from. I don't recall one time when she did the same for me. Typically, we'd have a big argument and she would never budge an inch from her position. The anger would subside and she'd just act normal again, or do something nice for me, and that would be the end of it. But she'd never apologize nor acknowledge my feelings. I guess I typically just swept things under the rug, and it's built a lot of resentment, which is a major reason why we started to zone out into our own worlds.

 

I am meeting with the counselor today and I will be addressing these points.

 

 

It sounds as if her doing something nice for you after an argument is her way of apologizing. For some. the words "I'm sorry" can be very hard to say, so they do something that shows how they feel.

 

Think of it this way. Words don't mean much, it's actions that do.

[truncated]

Love, honesty and stability.

 

I would hazard a guess that right now she needs somehting more.

 

She needs acknowledgment of how much you have hurt her.

 

In this instance, a few words won't be enough. She needs something more. She needs you to show her that, even though you will never know just how deeply you have cut her, you are trying to understand.

 

I don't know your wife, and I don;t you how she best accepts expressions of love and caring. Whatever those are to her, now is the time to show her.

[truncated]

OP focus on your W and your M and make sure that she is OK. You and her need to create a team against the world concept in your M and forget about outsiders. Satisfy each other's every need and make a better M.

 

Excellent advice!

 

When it comes right down to it, this is what you and your wife are. A team, united to stand against all the "slings and arrows" that the world can throw at you. One of these arrows has been your affair. How will you choose to stand with your wife against that?

[obtuseedge]

It sounds as if her doing something nice for you after an argument is her way of apologizing. For some. the words "I'm sorry" can be very hard to say, so they do something that shows how they feel.

 

Think of it this way. Words don't mean much, it's actions that do.

 

Yes, I understand that, and that's why I've often just let go of my anger and just try to move on. However, the problem is that those issues stay unresolved while we move on, and it builds resentment and alienation.

[the_artist_1970]

Yes, I understand that, and that's why I've often just let go of my anger and just try to move on. However, the problem is that those issues stay unresolved while we move on, and it builds resentment and alienation.

 

Tell your W this in those exact words in the nicest way possible. Sometimes we have learned behavior that we don't realize is hurting our partner. Your W obviously loves you to death (no one could stay with a partner who cheated if they didn't love them. It's too hard and if you don't have true love there is no way you would go through the pain of infidelity. You must make her understand how this makes you feel and the two of you learn how to fight fair and respect each other's needs.

[velvette]

She gets her anger and stubborn attitude from her father. She was also the black sheep in her family and I think it was ingrained in her to be defiant and defensive. The problem is, she tends to be hypercritical of others often, while she won't tolerate the slightest criticism.

 

The strains with my family are primarily related to my mother, who, though well meaning, can be quite intrusive and bossy. This grates on my wife. In the initial years, this used to be the primary cause of arguments between us, but through the years, I've tried to understand her perspective more and more and have often talked to my mom about it, while trying to keep space between them. But what really grates on me, is that she is also passive aggressively rude towards my father and brother at times, who have been nothing but polite and nice to her.

 

Looking back, I've realized that in past arguments, there were many occasions where I've reflected on things I've done to upset her, and worked things out by apologizing to her and telling her why I understood where she was coming from. I don't recall one time when she did the same for me. Typically, we'd have a big argument and she would never budge an inch from her position. The anger would subside and she'd just act normal again, or do something nice for me, and that would be the end of it. But she'd never apologize nor acknowledge my feelings. I guess I typically just swept things under the rug, and it's built a lot of resentment, which is a major reason why we started to zone out into our own worlds.

 

I am meeting with the counselor today and I will be addressing these points.

 

You both have dysfunctional ways of dealing with conflict. Shes in your face and you sweep things under the rug or agree and then resent it.

 

 

One is no better than the other although obviously in the moment the in your face style can be more hurtful.

 

 

There is no reason for either of you to be criticizing the other. Whatever it is you should be maturely, politely requesting what you want from the other or discussing calmly how the others behavior is affecting you.

 

 

The two of you are locked in a pattern. It only takes one person to break out of the pattern by doing things differently. Its also up to you to calmly enforce your own boundaries by refusing to negotiate or argue with her when she is treating you poorly.

 

 

This is exactly the sort of thing your counselor should be able to help with. But, its not something the two of you will be able to change over night. You didn't learn how to communicate effectively with a partner because you both had overbearing/intrusive parents and you were too busy coming up with strategies to protect yourselves from them. You are both doing the same thing, youre just doing it differently.

[autumnnight]

I'm trying to figure out how she is supposed to transform into the perfect wife while she is still on the floor bleeding from the betrayal....

 

I think that for those for months or even the first year, the work is on the WS to stop the bleeding. THEN they can worry about the BS's annoying habits.