Wife found out about affair

[obtuseedge]

You both have dysfunctional ways of dealing with conflict. Shes in your face and you sweep things under the rug or agree and then resent it.

 

 

One is no better than the other although obviously in the moment the in your face style can be more hurtful.

 

 

There is no reason for either of you to be criticizing the other. Whatever it is you should be maturely, politely requesting what you want from the other or discussing calmly how the others behavior is affecting you.

 

 

The two of you are locked in a pattern. It only takes one person to break out of the pattern by doing things differently. Its also up to you to calmly enforce your own boundaries by refusing to negotiate or argue with her when she is treating you poorly.

 

 

This is exactly the sort of thing your counselor should be able to help with. But, its not something the two of you will be able to change over night. You didn't learn how to communicate effectively with a partner because you both had overbearing/intrusive parents and you were too busy coming up with strategies to protect yourselves from them. You are both doing the same thing, youre just doing it differently.

 

Thank you for the advice. That's exactly what my wife and I did today. We met at a park bench, and had a very calm discussion regarding the ways in which we argued in the past, and how it's contributed to the tensions to our marriage and the relationships with our in laws.

 

She explained the reasons why she had some resentment towards my family, some of which I did not feel was reasonable, however, I acknowledged them even as I said I did not agree with them. She did indicate she wanted to improve things and said she would work on being more polite to them and hopefully things can improve from there. I also reiterated that I would work on how I communicated with her and how I resolved issues moving forward.

 

So things at home are still tense and sometimes our interactions feel forced. But the thing is, we both still do have love for one another, otherwise we wouldn't be sticking around. I just feel like marriage is something that has to be worked on, even if it doesn't feel great right now, both of us are willing to try to see if we can save what we have, and I guess that's all we can ask for right now.

[autumnnight]

Thank you for the advice. That's exactly what my wife and I did today. We met at a park bench, and had a very calm discussion regarding the ways in which we argued in the past, and how it's contributed to the tensions to our marriage and the relationships with our in laws.

 

She explained the reasons why she had some resentment towards my family, some of which I did not feel was reasonable, however, I acknowledged them even as I said I did not agree with them. She did indicate she wanted to improve things and said she would work on being more polite to them and hopefully things can improve from there. I also reiterated that I would work on how I communicated with her and how I resolved issues moving forward.

 

So things at home are still tense and sometimes our interactions feel forced. But the thing is, we both still do have love for one another, otherwise we wouldn't be sticking around. I just feel like marriage is something that has to be worked on, even if it doesn't feel great right now, both of us are willing to try to see if we can save what we have, and I guess that's all we can ask for right now.

 

This is very nice. What are YOU doing to help your wife heal from the horrible blow YOU dealt her...without asking anything of her in return?

[obtuseedge]

This is very nice. What are YOU doing to help your wife heal from the horrible blow YOU dealt her...without asking anything of her in return?

 

I try to plan activities to do together, go out for walks, dinners, we are reading relationship books, trying to reconnect. It has not been easy, to be quite honest, but taking it one day at a time.

[truncated]

Yes, I understand that, and that's why I've often just let go of my anger and just try to move on. However, the problem is that those issues stay unresolved while we move on, and it builds resentment and alienation.

 

 

It sounds like this issue is a two way street.

 

You can accept her saying she's sorry in the best way she knows how without having to accept the behavior.

 

When something happens, tell her you appreciate her doing the nice thing she has done to apologize, and explain to her why it upset you. that way, you've acknowledged her saying she's sorry while still opening the door for discussion about the problem.

[truncated]

About how she interacts with your parents...

 

You may be used to them acting the way they do ( your mom especially) and you have learned to take it with a grain of salt as you grew up with her and have developed coping strategies. Your wife has not had that same chance, and the things you brush off, your wife may not be able to.

 

What is it about your mom that doesn't "click" with your wife? Have you explained to your wife why she acts that way?

[velvette]

Thank you for the advice. That's exactly what my wife and I did today. We met at a park bench, and had a very calm discussion regarding the ways in which we argued in the past, and how it's contributed to the tensions to our marriage and the relationships with our in laws.

 

She explained the reasons why she had some resentment towards my family, some of which I did not feel was reasonable, however, I acknowledged them even as I said I did not agree with them. She did indicate she wanted to improve things and said she would work on being more polite to them and hopefully things can improve from there. I also reiterated that I would work on how I communicated with her and how I resolved issues moving forward.

 

So things at home are still tense and sometimes our interactions feel forced. But the thing is, we both still do have love for one another, otherwise we wouldn't be sticking around. I just feel like marriage is something that has to be worked on, even if it doesn't feel great right now, both of us are willing to try to see if we can save what we have, and I guess that's all we can ask for right now.

 

 

 

Youre welcome. Sounds like you made some progress. It will feel forced because you are stepping outside of your normal behavior....which is not working for either of you. Once you make this a habit and your new normal, it will feel good that you are always kind and loving to each other even if you disagree.

 

 

You don't always have to agree, but you do need to work together on the same team to come up with a solution to whatever the issue is that you can both embrace. It takes a lot of practice.

 

 

But, as others have said, you will likely make a lot more progress if you make healing her hurt over the A the priority right now. She will have a lot of trouble mustering up the good will to work on your communication if she is feeling pain related to the A.

[autumnnight]

I try to plan activities to do together, go out for walks, dinners, we are reading relationship books, trying to reconnect. It has not been easy, to be quite honest, but taking it one day at a time.

 

How about remorse, humility, taking responsibility, transparency, taking precautions so it never happens again, etc. It hasn't been easy? Imagine being her.

[Popsicle]

Just an update. Nothing very dramatic has been going on. Been going to counseling. However, as time goes on and I've had a chance to analyze our marriage and myself in counseling, there are certain core issues in our marriage that has gone unresolved. Some of them are my fault, and some of them are my wife's fault.

 

One issue that we've always had in our communication is that she is a very self righteous and stubborn person, and has to always be right. In fact, I don't ever recall her ever apologizing about anything important, and even when she has to acknowledge my points in an argument, she does it extremely begrudgingly. This has been a major stumbling block in our communication. She also tends to be very critical and her ties with my family are strained. Matter of factly, my family generally are not fond of her, and she generally avoids interaction with them.

 

So I'm not sure how to go about rectifying these issues. I am honestly trying to do my part in fixing the pain of the affair, but there were deeper roots which caused distance in our relationship and they have gone unresolved. Up to now, my wife still refuses to take responsibility for any of the issues in our marriage and whenever we discuss them, it turns into an argument in which she turns everything around to place the blame on me. It's extremely frustrating. After analyzing events of the last few years, I realized that after our arguments, I typically just waited until the anger to subside, then we just moved on without the issue being resolved.

 

She sounds like my xH.

 

I think it would be nice if you started a new thread (maybe in the marriage section) just about you and your wife and how things are going. This one is so long and convoluted.

Edited April 4, 2015 by Popsicle

[Bee4bdn]

This is very nice. What are YOU doing to help your wife heal from the horrible blow YOU dealt her...without asking anything of her in return?

 

OP - One of the biggest things that can be done for your wife is to start defending her with your family so that she doesn't have to defend herself.

You may or may not realize this but your family is actually an enemy of the marriage. Every time your family takes a shot at your wife they are attacking YOUR marriage. Your wife taking a shot at them in defense of herself only attacks your family of origin. This has created the resentment on both sides. Even though it's the actions of others it's your responsibility as head of the household to defend Only your spouse & marriage. Your family of origin are in your past. Your wife on the other hand is present & future to you.

 

Your wife may decide that you are not worth keeping because of your family. She hasn't made up her mind yet to keep you. It's still too soon. She will explore every angle in her mind as she processes her decision. You should also give each other full transparency since she may feel that you have given her a license to cheat on you. A large percentage of OWs have been cheated on.

[truncated]

op, how have things been going for you?

[obtuseedge]

op, how have things been going for you?

 

Thanks for asking.

 

Things are calm for the most part. At home, it's still tense and awkward. Though we do try to make efforts, date nights, communicating, watching movies together, during the time we have together.

 

I haven't been in contact with my xAP.

 

Overall, I do feel strongly I need to stay in my marriage, though I am very emotionally numb right now. Perhaps because I'm a bit of an addict in rehab at this point.

[truncated]

Thanks for asking.

 

Things are calm for the most part. At home, it's still tense and awkward. Though we do try to make efforts, date nights, communicating, watching movies together, during the time we have together.

 

I haven't been in contact with my xAP.

 

Overall, I do feel strongly I need to stay in my marriage, though I am very emotionally numb right now. Perhaps because I'm a bit of an addict in rehab at this point.

 

 

I'm glad to hear that you are trying.

 

Hopefully, things will get better between you and your wife, and even if they don't, at least you will know that you put in the effort and really tried.

[TigerLilyxx]

Your AP is trying to manipulate you. I agree with purple, let her family handle this mental health crisis, notify them if you must.

 

Your first order of business is to become a man of integrity. Whether you stay with your wife or not, you need to do this. The only person's pain you need to be focusing upon right now is your wife's pain. You haven't upheld the "forsaking all others" part before now, but you can start by doing so NOW.

 

I cannot say if R is possible is here or not, that is up to your actions and your wife's choices. But, I can say it will not at all be possible if you continue to let your AP have any of your time, energy or thought.

 

This isn't a few week process, or a few month process, it could take years for your wife to work through this pain. But, even if and when she does, reconciliation is a life long commitment. It is not a job that can be finished and forgotten, it is a way of life.

 

Whatever you do, support your wife emotionally, financially and in every other possible so she can be making her decisions and choices on what is truly best for her and not out of fear.

 

Best to you both.

[obtuseedge]

Your AP is trying to manipulate you. I agree with purple, let her family handle this mental health crisis, notify them if you must.

 

Your first order of business is to become a man of integrity. Whether you stay with your wife or not, you need to do this. The only person's pain you need to be focusing upon right now is your wife's pain. You haven't upheld the "forsaking all others" part before now, but you can start by doing so NOW.

 

I cannot say if R is possible is here or not, that is up to your actions and your wife's choices. But, I can say it will not at all be possible if you continue to let your AP have any of your time, energy or thought.

 

This isn't a few week process, or a few month process, it could take years for your wife to work through this pain. But, even if and when she does, reconciliation is a life long commitment. It is not a job that can be finished and forgotten, it is a way of life.

 

Whatever you do, support your wife emotionally, financially and in every other possible so she can be making her decisions and choices on what is truly best for her and not out of fear.

 

Best to you both.

 

Thanks. I haven't been communicating with my xAP for some time now. In the last few weeks, I have really focused my mind on recommitting to my marriage and rebuilding things with my wife. In the end, the question I had to ask myself was, who I really was? What my values are? I actually come from a family with down to earth values and leaving my marriage and a wife who's been good to me, for something flashy and exciting, that's just not me nor the values I was raised with.

 

I had lunch yesterday with an ex-co worker from my old office, a middle aged lady. She knows my xAP, but not very well, but knows her from the office. She says I'm doing the right thing. We got to talking about the situation and she asked what happened with the xAP's husband, and I told her she left because he was abusive. She didn't seem to buy it. Said that from her perspective, my xAP was the type of girl that was probably used to always getting what she wanted, she was gorgeous, pampered, high maintenance, kind of spoiled, and she probably couldn't stand the fact that I didn't leave my marriage for her. My ex-co worker also downplayed the talk about the xAP's husband being abusive, said she ultimately decided to marry him, warts and all, and likely it was because he was successful and she got what she needed out of him, got her degree, got her tuition paid for, got the experience she needed and when the divorce goes through, most likely a handsome settlement as well. So she made out real well from that marriage.

 

She told me from what I've told her, my wife was real and we met when we were both young and had nothing, and just built our lives together. Said that was something real and not to take it for granted, to put everything I had to fixing things.

 

So the talk with her yesterday helped give me some perspective. I think I'm on the right path.

[Rainbowlove]

Thanks. I haven't been communicating with my xAP for some time now. In the last few weeks, I have really focused my mind on recommitting to my marriage and rebuilding things with my wife. In the end, the question I had to ask myself was, who I really was? What my values are? I actually come from a family with down to earth values and leaving my marriage and a wife who's been good to me, for something flashy and exciting, that's just not me nor the values I was raised with.

 

I had lunch yesterday with an ex-co worker from my old office, a middle aged lady. She knows my xAP, but not very well, but knows her from the office. She says I'm doing the right thing. We got to talking about the situation and she asked what happened with the xAP's husband, and I told her she left because he was abusive. She didn't seem to buy it. Said that from her perspective, my xAP was the type of girl that was probably used to always getting what she wanted, she was gorgeous, pampered, high maintenance, kind of spoiled, and she probably couldn't stand the fact that I didn't leave my marriage for her. My ex-co worker also downplayed the talk about the xAP's husband being abusive, said she ultimately decided to marry him, warts and all, and likely it was because he was successful and she got what she needed out of him, got her degree, got her tuition paid for, got the experience she needed and when the divorce goes through, most likely a handsome settlement as well. So she made out real well from that marriage.

 

She told me from what I've told her, my wife was real and we met when we were both young and had nothing, and just built our lives together. Said that was something real and not to take it for granted, to put everything I had to fixing things.

 

So the talk with her yesterday helped give me some perspective. I think I'm on the right path.

 

I'm happy to hear that OP.

 

I think you are on the right path too.

 

It's F'n amazing how easily we lose ourselves, our values, our morals, our self-expectations when we engage in an affair.

 

For me, that was the hardest part about my affair. I hated who I had become. I hated every part of what I was doing to myself, my wife and boy.

 

My story is much like yours, I've said that before.

 

There is something to be said for building a life with someone. I have 20 years with my wife. We supported each other through our degrees, careers, purchased our 1st house together...we've been there for each other everyday....7,300 days and counting...

 

Keep on your path. Keep moving forward toward healing with your wife.

 

If your story holds true, as did mine, you'll grow to love and respect your wife more than you could ever have imagined b/c she had enough love in her for you to give you the gift of forgiveness and unconditional love.

 

There's no greater gift to receive. Take it and give back to her everyday.

 

Best to you and your wife.

[truncated]

I'm happy to hear that OP.

 

I think you are on the right path too.

 

It's F'n amazing how easily we lose ourselves, our values, our morals, our self-expectations when we engage in an affair.

 

For me, that was the hardest part about my affair. I hated who I had become. I hated every part of what I was doing to myself, my wife and boy.

 

My story is much like yours, I've said that before.

 

There is something to be said for building a life with someone. I have 20 years with my wife. We supported each other through our degrees, careers, purchased our 1st house together...we've been there for each other everyday....7,300 days and counting...

 

Keep on your path. Keep moving forward toward healing with your wife.

 

If your story holds true, as did mine, you'll grow to love and respect your wife more than you could ever have imagined b/c she had enough love in her for you to give you the gift of forgiveness and unconditional love.

 

There's no greater gift to receive. Take it and give back to her everyday.

 

Best to you and your wife.

 

you know, it may sound trite, but when you cheat on someone, you are also cheating yourself most of all. You lose who you are.

 

Glad that both of you have found yourselves again.

[obtuseedge]

you know, it may sound trite, but when you cheat on someone, you are also cheating yourself most of all. You lose who you are.

 

Glad that both of you have found yourselves again.

 

I also had lunch with my brother from the other day and he basically told me in very plain terms what I've been telling myself. Told me "Don't you dare leave your wife, she's been with you through thick and thin, and right now shes at her thinnest and you better not leave." Said it wouldn't be something I could forgive myself for down the line.

 

So it helped focused my thoughts hearing that from him. Just reinforced what I've been telling myself as well.

[TigerLilyxx]

Obtuseedge,

 

So glad to hear this. You are taking a huge step in the right direction. By the way, Can I just say you have a wonderful brother there!

 

How is your wife doing?

 

Wishing you both the best.

 

TL

[obtuseedge]

Well, an update to my situation. I am filled with uncertainty at this time. My wife informed me last night that apparently she told her family about the affair. Initially she had said she would keep it to herself since we were trying to reconcile, but apparently it was too much for her to keep inside. I was fine with her discussing the situation with her close friends, but now that her family knows, I feel a tremendous amount of uncertainty about the situation. Her father and sister want her to divorce, while the mom says that if I am willing to really change, that she should work things out.

 

The problem is that due to her friction with my family, I've never felt that closely to my in laws. Family get togethers have always felt a bit forced and awkward on my part. Also, my family tend to be much more quiet and reserved people, while hers are more boisterous and loud, and because of that, I've never felt totally comfortable with her family. Now, this just adds another dimension of misery to our relationship.

 

It's also been hard trying to reconnect. She does go out with her friends very often and she has told me that there is a guy she talks to about our relationship who's also been divorced, and although I know that she's not actively cheating, I really am not sure where all this is going. I know she's wanting to escape the misery of the situation, though when we talk, she wants to still ultimately find a way to work things out as uncertain as things are. She said she would try to spend more time working our relationship out, but there is a lot of ambivalence in the air. The fact is, we would have already split were it not for the fact that there is still love between us, but it's been very painful.

[Rainbowlove]

Well, an update to my situation. I am filled with uncertainty at this time. My wife informed me last night that apparently she told her family about the affair. Initially she had said she would keep it to herself since we were trying to reconcile, but apparently it was too much for her to keep inside. I was fine with her discussing the situation with her close friends, but now that her family knows, I feel a tremendous amount of uncertainty about the situation. Her father and sister want her to divorce, while the mom says that if I am willing to really change, that she should work things out.

 

Personally, I'm for the get it all out in the open camp. Secrets are not necessary. I know that many people feel differently about it, but I didn't want my partner to feel as though she needed to keep that within herself and not share it with others - may that be family and friends.

 

There have been other affairs in the family. We are not the only ones. The others have survived it, too.

 

It's also been hard trying to reconnect. She does go out with her friends very often and she has told me that there is a guy she talks to about our relationship who's also been divorced, and although I know that she's not actively cheating, I really am not sure where all this is going. I know she's wanting to escape the misery of the situation, though when we talk, she wants to still ultimately find a way to work things out as uncertain as things are. She said she would try to spend more time working our relationship out, but there is a lot of ambivalence in the air. The fact is, we would have already split were it not for the fact that there is still love between us, but it's been very painful.

 

The thing about affairs is it shatters all illusions of what your marriage once was - innocent. There is no more innocence.

 

Also, it's very easy to see how affairs get started in the first place. Therefore, you now see that your wife is vulnerable and turning to another man for support. Red flag there, yes. But what can you do? Voice your concern. Hope she makes a better choice than you did. Wait and see.

 

It's going to continue to be painful. It's going to continue to be work. It does get better, though.

 

You just have to keep walking through the darkness and hope it leads to light.

 

You know?

[obtuseedge]

Personally, I'm for the get it all out in the open camp. Secrets are not necessary. I know that many people feel differently about it, but I didn't want my partner to feel as though she needed to keep that within herself and not share it with others - may that be family and friends.

 

There have been other affairs in the family. We are not the only ones. The others have survived it, too.

 

As far as I know, there have only been one affair in her family and it led to divorce. Her sister is strongly wanting her to divorce, the father is as well, but they said they will respect her decision.

 

 

 

The thing about affairs is it shatters all illusions of what your marriage once was - innocent. There is no more innocence.

 

Also, it's very easy to see how affairs get started in the first place. Therefore, you now see that your wife is vulnerable and turning to another man for support. Red flag there, yes. But what can you do? Voice your concern. Hope she makes a better choice than you did. Wait and see.

 

It's going to continue to be painful. It's going to continue to be work. It does get better, though.

 

You just have to keep walking through the darkness and hope it leads to light.

 

You know?

Yes, that's certainly something that is dawning on me. Things have changed a lot between us. The way she sees me has also changed dramatically. The innocence that was once there is now gone forever.

 

It's really hard to see light at the end of the tunnel right now when it's mainly just pain and misery between us. Being around together and trying to just enjoy each other's company at this time feels like we're pulling teeth.

[Rainbowlove]

What's important here is to relinquish control over the outcome.

 

All you can do is be the best man you can be moving forward.

 

You own what you need to own in this and tuck it away as experience to improve yourself.

 

If your marriage follows in that direction, great. If not, you gave it a chance to overcome.

 

Ultimately, I believe we are all here to learn and grow. I'm sure you've grown exponentially in this, as has your wife.

 

Let her family think as they may. Your wife has her own journey in this...

 

Recently, a friend of ours (young kid) screwed around on his wife and is losing his son bc of it. He's now trying to be and do better. Prob too late for his marriage.

 

I saw him today. He looks like hell. I knew he thought I was judging him. Clearly, I'm not. I wanted to hug him and say it's okay, but I just tapped him on the shoulder and said hi with a smile.

 

Worry less about what others think. Focus more on you and your work and you'll end up okay no matter what happens.

Edited April 24, 2015 by Rainbowlove

[minimariah]

She does go out with her friends very often and she has told me that there is a guy she talks to about our relationship who's also been divorced, and although I know that she's not actively cheating, I really am not sure where all this is going.

 

how does that make you feel?

[obtuseedge]

What's important here is to relinquish control over the outcome.

 

All you can do is be the best man you can be moving forward.

 

You own what you need to own in this and tuck it away as experience to improve yourself.

 

If your marriage follows in that direction, great. If not, you gave it a chance to overcome.

 

Ultimately, I believe we are all here to learn and grow. I'm sure you've grown exponentially in this, as has your wife.

 

Let her family think as they may. Your wife has her own journey in this...

 

Recently, a friend of ours (young kid) screwed around on his wife and is losing his son bc of it. He's now trying to be and do better. Prob too late for his marriage.

 

I saw him today. He looks like hell. I knew he thought I was judging him. Clearly, I'm not. I wanted to hug him and say it's okay, but I just tapped him on the shoulder and said hi with a smile.

 

Worry less about what others think. Focus more on you and your work and you'll end up okay no matter what happens.

 

Thanks. That's pretty solid advice.

 

Yes, I've learned a lot through all of this. I've never been unfaithful in my past relationships and not in this one until now, I've always thought it was something that happened to other people. But this has taught me a lot.

[whichwayisup]

All you can do is continue to work on yourself and allow your wife to handle this in her own way. Though with that said, remind her confiding in a divorced man may not be a great idea, if anything she should join you in MC and/or find her own counselor to talk to. Do you know this man she's talking to?

 

I'm glad she has family support, she needs it.