Wife found out about affair

[cocorico]

Obtuse, I am a bit worried about you right now. Your words concern me. I can understand why you are very sad right now, but things will get better. I like the letter you left for your wife, you obviously did care for and love her. I hope you are in counseling because it sounds like you are in a very dark place. You may need some antidepressant medication to help you get through. There is no shame in that, but in the very least I hope you are in counseling.

 

I'm going to have to dissent here. I don't think the letter reveals true love or a sudden realisation that she really was "the one" all along. Rather, I think it is the cold reality of change and loss of security that has hit ObtuseEdge. I don't think it is so much the loss of his wife he is mourning, but the loss of the option of being with his wife.

 

Just yesterday his feelings were characterised more by disappointment and relief than the wrench of loss, and he spoke about basic incompatibility and her "not being able to give him what he needed" - which has been consistent throughout his postings on this thread. One day later, fetching his stuff, all of that is suddenly swept aside by the big reveal that, actually, she was perfect all along? Sorry, that's just not credible. It's far more likely that having to move out *permanently* has shaken his security and made "the devil you know" more attractive than "the devil you don't". Having his wife available as an option to return to if The Alternaitve - whatever that may be - has provided a measure of security that has now been whipped away, and the unknown looms cold and frightening ahead. It is the loss of security rather than the loss of someone "basically incompatible", who "can't give him what he needs", that he is mourning.

[whichwayisup]

My wife and I were very much in love in the first few years of our relationship. It was passionate and exciting, and perhaps that made us overlook some deep seated compatibility issues that constantly crept up again through our relationship through the years and caused issues.

 

Yes, she is done. I don't plan to contact my AP any time soon. Honestly, I just want quiet time, perhaps even take a road trip by myself somewhere.

 

Do that. Grieve the loss, the life you once had with her and go on that trip just to clear your head and have alone time. Heal well and think about doing counseling just so you don't make the same mistakes in future relationships.

[obtuseedge]

I'm going to have to dissent here. I don't think the letter reveals true love or a sudden realisation that she really was "the one" all along. Rather, I think it is the cold reality of change and loss of security that has hit ObtuseEdge. I don't think it is so much the loss of his wife he is mourning, but the loss of the option of being with his wife.

 

Just yesterday his feelings were characterised more by disappointment and relief than the wrench of loss, and he spoke about basic incompatibility and her "not being able to give him what he needed" - which has been consistent throughout his postings on this thread. One day later, fetching his stuff, all of that is suddenly swept aside by the big reveal that, actually, she was perfect all along? Sorry, that's just not credible. It's far more likely that having to move out *permanently* has shaken his security and made "the devil you know" more attractive than "the devil you don't". Having his wife available as an option to return to if The Alternaitve - whatever that may be - has provided a measure of security that has now been whipped away, and the unknown looms cold and frightening ahead. It is the loss of security rather than the loss of someone "basically incompatible", who "can't give him what he needs", that he is mourning.

 

No, you're wrong. I was not grieving the loss of security, I was grieving the loss of my marriage. I am not insecure, I am leaving but I have enough funds to not worry about any bills and I also have no doubt if the divorce goes through, I won't have any problems with women. So it's definitely not the loss of security of being in a relationship that caused me to feel great sadness.

 

What caused me to feel great sadness was the flood of all the memories that I've shared with my wife through the years and the realization that it was all coming to an end. I felt sadness and some relief the other night because the situation at home has been so painful and to come to some resolution gave relief. However, I did love my wife, despite all the issues we had and the affair. Through the years, I've primarily been the breadwinner at home and one major motivation of mine was to always want to make sure she was taken care of, of course I've greatly failed her in the emotional department, but years ago I even took our a life insurance policy for myself with her as the sole benefit (we never took out a policy on her for me) because of my fear that if something happened to me, she wouldn't be able to maintain the life that we had (because we have very different educational backgrounds, and it makes things more challenging for her on the job market, in addition, in every job she's held, she inevitably came into conflict with her superiors and ended up quitting, and that's why I'm just handing over our business to her so she wouldn't have to find a job).

 

But I don't expect you to understand where I'm coming from. You can think however you want, but I did love and care for her.

[fellini]

Through the years, I've primarily been the breadwinner at home and one major motivation of mine was to always want to make sure she was taken care of, of course I've greatly failed her in the emotional department, but years ago I even took our a life insurance policy for myself with her as the sole benefit (we never took out a policy on her for me) because of my fear that if something happened to me, she wouldn't be able to maintain the life that we had (because we have very different educational backgrounds, and it makes things more challenging for her on the job market, in addition, in every job she's held, she inevitably came into conflict with her superiors and ended up quitting, and that's why I'm just handing over our business to her so she wouldn't have to find a job).

 

But I don't expect you to understand where I'm coming from. You can think however you want, but I did love and care for her.

 

No doubt you took care of her. But you haven't said anything in your entire thread about HOW YOU LOVE (which is not the same thing as THAT your love) and CARE ABOUT your wife. You had no problems telling us what you loved about your AP.

 

Truly, taking care of everything EXCEPT in the EMOTIONAL DEPARTMENT is precisely the difference between living in a marriage and sharing a house with a roommate, family member or friend.

Edited May 15, 2015 by fellini

[obtuseedge]

No doubt you took care of her. But you haven't said anything in your entire thread about HOW YOU LOVE (which is not the same thing as THAT your love) and CARE ABOUT your wife. You had no problems telling us what you loved about your AP.

 

Truly, taking care of everything EXCEPT in the EMOTIONAL DEPARTMENT is precisely the difference between living in a marriage and sharing a house with a roommate, family member or friend.

 

You're going to find fault with whatever I say, so it's rather pointless.

 

I did love her. I loved the way she looked in the morning when she was asleep, she was angelic. I loved the way we spent time together watching movies. All the dreams we've shared together through the years and the struggles we went through, it was a deep love.

 

I don't need to defend myself to you. I know that I loved her.

[beach]

You may remember that you love her now...that's easy in hindsight.

 

 

But for the past several months you've explained in detail how you've been trying to get connected to your W but really missing your AP all the while.

 

 

I would believe that she felt your half hearted attempts and acted on that.

 

 

Let's be honest - you were pining away for your AP a lot while you still had that time with your W - that time you could have been "all in"...yet you weren't.

 

 

So this is the result of a half hearted attempt to "reconcile" the marriage.

 

Go back and read from the beginning. So many posters encouraged you to make 150% effort towards your W - yet you, for a long time, chose to make 50% effort.

 

 

50% gets you half of any result - and this is the outcome of not being all in.

 

 

Your W knows she deserves much more... Now she has the opportunity to get what you couldn't offer to her.

 

Hugs - sorry this is the result.

[sandylee1]

No, you're wrong. I was not grieving the loss of security, I was grieving the loss of my marriage. I am not insecure, I am leaving but I have enough funds to not worry about any bills and I also have no doubt if the divorce goes through, I won't have any problems with women. So it's definitely not the loss of security of being in a relationship that caused me to feel great sadness.

 

What caused me to feel great sadness was the flood of all the memories that I've shared with my wife through the years and the realization that it was all coming to an end. I felt sadness and some relief the other night because the situation at home has been so painful and to come to some resolution gave relief. However, I did love my wife, despite all the issues we had and the affair. Through the years, I've primarily been the breadwinner at home and one major motivation of mine was to always want to make sure she was taken care of, of course I've greatly failed her in the emotional department, but years ago I even took our a life insurance policy for myself with her as the sole benefit (we never took out a policy on her for me) because of my fear that if something happened to me, she wouldn't be able to maintain the life that we had (because we have very different educational backgrounds, and it makes things more challenging for her on the job market, in addition, in every job she's held, she inevitably came into conflict with her superiors and ended up quitting, and that's why I'm just handing over our business to her so she wouldn't have to find a job).

 

But I don't expect you to understand where I'm coming from. You can think however you want, but I did love and care for her.

 

I do believe what you're saying here. Sometimes the realisation of what you did hits you. You realise that you risked it for someone who in reality wasn't worth what you had. It's hard being with somone and not knowing if you can really trust them EVER again

 

 

I'm sure you'll be fine in time. The good thing here is that no kids are involved. It makes the split a whole lot easier. Not easy, but easier.

[BlueIris]

This is very simple and was foreseeable. You had to know this would happen when you were lying and cheating. So, respect her right to be done with you, the marriage and this drama you created.

 

Leave her alone except to negotiate a fair divorce settlement and spare her any more of your problems. I too hope she finds happiness and a good relationship. I hope you do too, but you aren’t a new man yet. You’re still in that high-drama thinking I’ve seen in the people I’ve known who cheat. (High- low- tragedy- romanticism- agony- elation)

 

Her life now has nothing to do with you other than to resolve legal matters and heal from the betrayal. Respect that.

[fellini]

The thing is OP that everybody here is saying what you have told us. We aren't making anything up.

 

You cheated, and then rather than throw your AP under the bus you spent god knows how long comparing your two women.

 

You came out more favorably for your AP.

 

You then went on a long excursion about the deficiencies of your spouse. And you presented yourself as a self made adventurous man held back by a boring wife.

 

Then suddenly you didn't like some signals from your AP and decided your wife was where you wanted to be, but even then, you presented the marriage like she was the one that was going to have to meet your expectations of her.

 

You devoted pages to your incompatibility. At no time did you throw yourself at your wife going down on your hands and knees and begging her to give you a second chance. In fact it was the opposite, through these pages in LS it was like you were giving HER a second chance, and not much at that.

 

Now that it's over, she is the best thing in your life, and you have nothing but a deep profound love for her... but maybe down the road you call your AP back and see how she's doing.

 

No you don't have to defend yourself and your love for your wife. From where most people in LS who have been listening to you talk about yourself, your wife, and your AP, your concept of love is wanting to say the least.

 

I dont even see this as a case of "you don't know what you've got til it's gone".

[truncated]

You're going to find fault with whatever I say, so it's rather pointless.

 

I did love her. I loved the way she looked in the morning when she was asleep, she was angelic. I loved the way we spent time together watching movies. All the dreams we've shared together through the years and the struggles we went through, it was a deep love.

 

I don't need to defend myself to you. I know that I loved her.

 

 

Sadly, sometimes love isn't enough.

 

The next little while will be hard, but try looking at it as the price you will need to pay to give your wife, whom you say you do love, her freedom.

 

Sometimes the most loving act you can do for a person is to let them go.

[ladydesigner]

(((obtuseedge))) I'm sorry you are in pain today. Please find an IC to help you cope through this, especially depression can be debilitating. You do not need to explain to anyone that you loved your wife. YOU know that Have you thought of attending any divorce care groups? They might be helpful as a means of support to you.

[afoolto no end]

I think you have now realized what love really is, it's not about the moment with someone it's about a life with someone a trust you feel with no one else, a security that you know they have your back that they won't hurt YOU!!!

You had that, good women a hard to give up, it is going to hurt, you may have lost the best part of your life…………

I feel sad for you, you just didn't get that ……….

Your heart was never in it and you know it ………..not like I described above ….

you always blame shifted like you were the good husband and she just didn't fit, maybe you don't fit even though you are more educated, it hasn't seemed to have helped you ……..Your value system and moral code is off……maybe that comes from the entitlement of the way you think about being the superior one…you think you will have what you need now………..your going to have a life where you will have to deal with a lot of baggage with the next one, you now know what people are capable of, look around adultery is a big component of life these days, you think you will find someone with morals, maybe that doesn't matter to you.

Some day you might be on the receiving end of what your wife feels now.

You were so entitled you never even considered actually losing your wife, you just wanted to disrespect her and what she didn't know wouldn't hurt her ……

 

Maybe she has more integrity than you, maybe your not the kind of man worthy of her……….she didn't deserve to be hurt like you have, you make sure you take care of her financially………she deserves that at least………….

I think that you are finally seeing what this kind of selfishness gets you and how it hurts everyone, you just increased the percentage of an already unsafe world marriage has to live in these days…..

[Hope Shimmers]

I'm sorry you're hurting, but this was the inevitable outcome.

 

If you do contact your OW I hope she tells you where to go. Sorry, but you hurt two women in this process in the worst way. You deserve neither one of them.

[cocorico]

No, you're wrong. I was not grieving the loss of security, I was grieving the loss of my marriage. I am not insecure, I am leaving but I have enough funds to not worry about any bills and I also have no doubt if the divorce goes through, I won't have any problems with women. So it's definitely not the loss of security of being in a relationship that caused me to feel great sadness.

 

I wasn't referring to financial security, but to emotional security. But it's interesting that you chose to interpret it that way.

 

What caused me to feel great sadness was the flood of all the memories that I've shared with my wife through the years and the realization that it was all coming to an end.

 

Which is exactly what I was referring to - the loss of the emotional security.

 

It's not the loss of *your wife* you're mourning, as I said before. It's the loss of the emotional security you had with her.

[awkward]

Sorry to hear that OP. I never really got the impression that either of you really wanted to reconcile. It seemed like you were comparing your AP and your wife and the AP came out ahead. Not so far ahead that it seemed like the AP was a good match for you but just that you preferred her qualities over your wife's Then there was the fact that you wanted to be adventurous and travel. Your wife had different goals. I can't remember exactly, but didn't you want children and your wife didn't?

 

I remember in the beginning when you chose to meet with your AP after D-day. It was obvious back then that your marriage still wasn't a priority. Perhaps that changed and you really did go all in. Your wife didn't though. Marital counseling might have helped if she was open to it.

 

I suspect your wife initially agreed to reconcile out of fear of change. Just like you are fearing change now. However, she most likely used that time to move on. She didn't want to do marriage counseling and turned to her friends and family who weren't really your biggest fans. Didn't you say that she had become close friends with a man? She probably realizes now that she can move on and find happiness.

 

I'm sorry it didn't work out for you and your wife.

[Eighty_nine]

I'm sorry to hear that people on this thread are claiming you didn't/don't love your wife.

 

Newsflash, relationships are difficult. People are complicated. People cause joy and hurt and make mistakes and learn lessons and it is more a reflection of inner turmoil than on their feelings toward their partners.

 

I have no doubt you loved your wife. You're probably realizing the difference between the love you had for your wife and the passion/lust/"connection" with your AP. they're different. the passion is easy-- the love part, after that passion fades, is the real prize.

 

You'll learn from all this and hopefully someday work hard to achieve an honest, loving relationship and not allow anyone else to slip through your fingers.

[Sassy Girl]

You're going to find fault with whatever I say, so it's rather pointless.

 

I did love her. I loved the way she looked in the morning when she was asleep, she was angelic. I loved the way we spent time together watching movies. All the dreams we've shared together through the years and the struggles we went through, it was a deep love.

 

I don't need to defend myself to you. I know that I loved her.

 

So incredibly sad that it's come to this.

 

After all is said and done... Was AP really worth it?

[truncated]

I wasn't referring to financial security, but to emotional security. But it's interesting that you chose to interpret it that way.

 

 

 

Which is exactly what I was referring to - the loss of the emotional security.

 

It's not the loss of *your wife* you're mourning, as I said before. It's the loss of the emotional security you had with her.

 

Op,

 

please don't minimize your feelings for your wife, or try to twist them into something they weren't ( emotional security). That's minimizing feelings and sour grapes, and won't help you to navigate through this process that lies ahead of you.

 

You did and likely do still love your wife, and now you will have to face the rest of your life without her in it, except perhaps in a fleeting way.

 

It's okay that you loved her. it's okay that you still do, but that isn't enough. You still love her, so go through the uncoupling process in a loving way, and that is what will help your heart to heal.

 

Give yourself time to get to know who and what you are in your life. Then, when you are ready and in a place wherein you know who you are and what you need, your heart will be able to open and let the right person in for you.

 

It doesn't sound like either of the two women in your situation are. Both had something you need in a life partner, but neither had enough.

[obtuseedge]

It's been nearly a week, and through a lot of turbulence, there were times when I almost felt like I couldn't breathe just thinking of the pain of divorce, I think I'm gradually accepting the situation. It's probably for the best. Even if I had stayed in the marriage, I don't think I could've been the husband my wife needed, and vice versa. Looking back, we were probably incompatible in many subtle ways that eventually contributed to a growing divergence and gap between us.

 

It is sad to see the love we had slowly die away. But I feel hopeful that the future will bring new experiences and growth. But there will always be a deep sadness in my heart when I think of my wife and our failed marriage, I don't think that'd ever go away.

[AGoodFriend]

YOU SAID: I have to say that a part of me does feel a strong urge to end the marriage and divorce, and actually to spend some time being single to reconnect with myself in the aftermath of this.

 

This my friend, is what you should go with if you can. You need to let your wife go, so she can begin to heal. She deserves this. You, too, deserve to heal. And even the AP, the villainess in story, deserves to heal and move on.

 

If you get together with the AP, who is to say that she won't do the same to you, or you to her? Take some time to yourself. It will be worth it.

[LifesontheUp]

Obtuse,

 

I was a hard on you early in this thread, but I stand by what I said in that you have issues.

 

It was clear your marriage was over, or if is wasn't now, it wouldn't last the course.

 

While it surely does hurt, learn from this so that you do not make the same mistakes in your next relationship.

 

I wish you luck, time is a healer, spend that time wisely and you will reap the benefits

[10thengineerharrison]

It's been nearly a week, and through a lot of turbulence, there were times when I almost felt like I couldn't breathe just thinking of the pain of divorce, I think I'm gradually accepting the situation. It's probably for the best. Even if I had stayed in the marriage, I don't think I could've been the husband my wife needed, and vice versa. Looking back, we were probably incompatible in many subtle ways that eventually contributed to a growing divergence and gap between us.

 

It is sad to see the love we had slowly die away. But I feel hopeful that the future will bring new experiences and growth. But there will always be a deep sadness in my heart when I think of my wife and our failed marriage, I don't think that'd ever go away.

 

I think the bigger problem you have, and what led you, in part, to think that having an affair was okay (at the time, certainly), is that you don't understand what love or commitment really are.

 

I love how the late Frank Pittman describes marriage:

 

Marriage is not about being in love. It is about the agreement to love one another. Love is an active, transitive verb. It is something married grown-ups do no matter how they feel. It is nice when married people are in love with each other, but if they are loving enough to each other, that magic may catch fire again.

 

Marriage is the promise - not the emotions, not even the relationship, but the commitment. To be worth anything more than vacation together, a boarding arrangement, or a temporary job, a marital promise must be made to withstand and weather all human emotions, and inhuman ones as well.

 

Marriage is not supposed to make you happy. It is supposed to make you married, and once you are safely and totally married, then you have a structure of security and support from which you are free to make yourself happy, rather than wasting your adulthood looking for a structure.

 

I think that expecting your spouse to meet your "emotional needs" and you theirs is a perfect setup for eventual disappointment for not living up to those expectations, real or imagined (but usually imagined and blown out of proportion). You may feel disappointed or decide that you were incompatible because you're not giddily in love with one another for the rest of your life like the Reconciliation Industrial Complex tells you that you should strive for.

 

But in this case, you so utterly demolished the marriage that you'd have to start over from scratch anyway, if you should ever do decide that you want to be married to one another.

 

-10th Engineer Harrison

[Doublegold]

The OP calls the OW XAP right up until he posts that he and W will be divorcing. In that same post he uses the term my AP, and continues using that from then on.

 

If that isn't a Freudian slip nothing is. This is an observation only. I hope for peace eventually for the three people Involved in this heartbreak.

[whichwayisup]

It's been nearly a week, and through a lot of turbulence, there were times when I almost felt like I couldn't breathe just thinking of the pain of divorce, I think I'm gradually accepting the situation. It's probably for the best. Even if I had stayed in the marriage, I don't think I could've been the husband my wife needed, and vice versa. Looking back, we were probably incompatible in many subtle ways that eventually contributed to a growing divergence and gap between us.

 

It is sad to see the love we had slowly die away. But I feel hopeful that the future will bring new experiences and growth. But there will always be a deep sadness in my heart when I think of my wife and our failed marriage, I don't think that'd ever go away.

 

Take time for you now, grieve the life you once shared with your wife, spend time with people who know you well and can give you the support you need.

 

Learn from your mistakes so you won't repeat them. Work on you so your next relationship will be a healthy and honest one.

[obtuseedge]

YOU SAID: I have to say that a part of me does feel a strong urge to end the marriage and divorce, and actually to spend some time being single to reconnect with myself in the aftermath of this.

 

This my friend, is what you should go with if you can. You need to let your wife go, so she can begin to heal. She deserves this. You, too, deserve to heal. And even the AP, the villainess in story, deserves to heal and move on.

 

If you get together with the AP, who is to say that she won't do the same to you, or you to her? Take some time to yourself. It will be worth it.

 

Thats what I am doing at this time. I haven't contact my xAP and not sure if I will.

 

I do have a trip planned with a friend of mine who is really into social work for Native American communities, and we are going to Pine Ridge Reservation in South Dakota in the summer. So I am looking forward to that, and it reconnects with some of my old passions.