Wife found out about affair

[SolG]

Hey OP. I think we've all done the OW to death at this point... So... How's your W doing? You wrote that's she's shown great strength and comittment. How so? What are you doing for her now?

 

Edit: Or maybe that's something you should take over to the infidelity board where the BSs can help you out.

[Tayla]

I went into the office today because I needed to tender my resignation to the manager and wanted to tell him in person the circumstances in which I had to leave.

 

Unexpectedly, my AP was in the office. It's the first time I've seen her in almost a week, and seeing her triggered all the emotions that we've had for each other which I have been trying to block out. We went to a nearby cafe and had a 30 minute talk. It was very heart wrenching and both of us were near tears. She said she accepted my decision and knew it was a difficult one, and that she would move on.

 

I had to also say good bye to some close friends in my office. It was a heart wrenching situation in all. Now, I have to focus on fixing a badly damaged marriage while grieving with the death of a relationship with my AP. This is a very bad place to feel right now.

 

She works there, what is so unexpected about that? Twice in one week you have drawn out this "last goodbye" with her. Two times in person and once thru your "Final Email". As SOLG stated, Where is the update on your efforts to work on the marriage and the wife? Between your AP and the "selfish- awareness" I see nothing on how your wife is enduring this week....how sad that your focus is on yourself and the AP....but then again...its been that way for so long eh?

[SleekArchitecture]

I am at a loss for words. Life seems to fall exactly as you control it and pieces fit in a neat little puzzle you laid out. Are you ready for an uphill battle with reconciliation, or is your wife really a June Cleaver controlled, meek, and okay with everything and how everything should and will be according to you.

 

I have a hard time believing a wife who really loves her husband is laissez faire, about her husband, recently caught cheating meeting the mistress alone for a heartfelt, heart string tugging, and tearful good bye.

[pheonixrisen]

I am at a loss for words. Life seems to fall exactly as you control it and pieces fit in a neat little puzzle you laid out. Are you ready for an uphill battle with reconciliation, or is your wife really a June Cleaver controlled, meek, and okay with everything and how everything should and will be according to you.

 

I have a hard time believing a wife who really loves her husband is laissez faire, about her husband, recently caught cheating meeting the mistress alone for a heartfelt, heart string tugging, and tearful good bye.

 

I don't understand this provocation of his situation to rile him up ..He has already decided to move ahead and recommit to his marriage ...I think we should let him be now and focus on greiving and rebuilding ....just because he is not airing his wife's pain and struggle does not mean she is a controlled meek ...she did not have am option or choice to be a part of am affair dynamic ..While this mm and ow knew the score and made the choices she became a casualty ...so what is it you are trying to achieve by taking a dib at his wife and her ways...

[SleekArchitecture]

I don't understand this provocation of his situation to rile him up ..He has already decided to move ahead and recommit to his marriage ...I think we should let him be now and focus on greiving and rebuilding ....just because he is not airing his wife's pain and struggle does not mean she is a controlled meek ...she did not have am option or choice to be a part of am affair dynamic ..While this mm and ow knew the score and made the choices she became a casualty ...so what is it you are trying to achieve by taking a dib at his wife and her ways...

 

 

I was not describing her this way, but Obtuse makes it seem that way. He was the offender and he chose every aspect of the affair ending to every last specific detail. His last feeling is he is left to grieve the death of his relationship with affair partner ???

[Blu72]

People tend to project their own feelings from their own experiences in threads like this. It is what it is, unfortunately. I think OP is attempting to do the right thing here. OP I wish you and your wife the best. It will be extremely hard to recover from this on all fronts, but if you are committed I think you can get there. Good luck to you.

[Popsicle]

Seriously. SSDD. And THIS is why I rarely come here any more. Support, my @$$.

 

Also, this post really should have been in the infidelity forum, not the other man/woman since you've left the A.

 

Yes I've been saying that.

[obtuseedge]

Hey OP. I think we've all done the OW to death at this point... So... How's your W doing? You wrote that's she's shown great strength and comittment. How so? What are you doing for her now?

 

Edit: Or maybe that's something you should take over to the infidelity board where the BSs can help you out.

 

It's been very hard for her. At times, she is very angry. There are times when she is very depressed. At other times, she carries on as normal and we even joke around. It's been very emotionally taxing for her, and obviously she focuses on me continuing to go to counseling. We are more open and honest about our feelings with one another, and communicate more than we have in many years. I guess that is a good start. I do honestly tell her about some things I've been unhappy about in the marriage even prior to the affair, the guilt I feel about causing her great pain, and that I do sometimes miss my AP but I also try to rationalize the affects of the affair and that it is unfair to compare it to an established marriage because it was more like a fantasy.

 

She has tried to improve her communication. She has a tendency to get self-righteous and judgmental when expressing her views, and that was a big reason why our communication shut down through the years. She has been working in trying to be more open and simply patiently listening to what I have to say. So that helps. We also try to reconnect by planning dates, sharing things together, etc.

 

It's been a very hard process, but right now our focus is trying to communicate and reconnect. It hasn't been easy with all the other chaos happening since this is so recent, like changing offices and ending ties with my AP.

[obtuseedge]

She works there, what is so unexpected about that? Twice in one week you have drawn out this "last goodbye" with her. Two times in person and once thru your "Final Email". As SOLG stated, Where is the update on your efforts to work on the marriage and the wife? Between your AP and the "selfish- awareness" I see nothing on how your wife is enduring this week....how sad that your focus is on yourself and the AP....but then again...its been that way for so long eh?

 

I never explained this before, but our careers are not 9 to 5 jobs. My AP actually used to only come in the office about 3x a week and only for a few hours each time. I chose a time to speak to my manager when she usually was not there, but she was.

[obtuseedge]

People tend to project their own feelings from their own experiences in threads like this. It is what it is, unfortunately. I think OP is attempting to do the right thing here. OP I wish you and your wife the best. It will be extremely hard to recover from this on all fronts, but if you are committed I think you can get there. Good luck to you.

 

Thank you. Yes, I get that people are angry about their own lives and want to project their feelings and I feel that no matter what I do or say here, I get crucified anyways.

 

Fact is, I certainly have made great mistakes. My wife is the only true victim in this circumstance. However, neither my AP nor I are devils either, we are both human beings and we exercised poor self control of our emotions and probably boundaries.

 

It has been extremely difficult. I'm committing to working on things.

[obtuseedge]

I am at a loss for words. Life seems to fall exactly as you control it and pieces fit in a neat little puzzle you laid out. Are you ready for an uphill battle with reconciliation, or is your wife really a June Cleaver controlled, meek, and okay with everything and how everything should and will be according to you.

 

I have a hard time believing a wife who really loves her husband is laissez faire, about her husband, recently caught cheating meeting the mistress alone for a heartfelt, heart string tugging, and tearful good bye.

 

If you would stop being so self-righteous and obnoxious for one second, you'd realize that your characterization of anybody in this situation is completely off track, especially that of my wife. I see from your other threads that you yourself was involved in an affair, so I can't understand why you seem to be so comfortable in your high horse. Going around berating others who have gone through similar mistakes and dilemmas would be the last thing I'd be doing here.

 

I didn't expect that final encounter with the OW, but I told my wife. She was not ecstatic about it, but accepted it as it was a finality to things.

[jan2012]

As long as you still call her 'My AP' then you are still thinking of her in that way. Calling her your 'My Ex AP' will help you live as though it is in the past, which will then help you make it a reality.

 

If you start doing this now, in 2 weeks you will already be at the next stage of moving on. NC and referring to her as an Ex will allow you to make huge progress in putting this behind you in just the first 2 weeks.

 

You will be surprised how far you can go in just 2 weeks if you put NC in place and see it in your brain as history.

[obtuseedge]

As long as you still call her 'My AP' then you are still thinking of her in that way. Calling her your 'My Ex AP' will help you live as though it is in the past, which will then help you make it a reality.

 

If you start doing this now, in 2 weeks you will already be at the next stage of moving on. NC and referring to her as an Ex will allow you to make huge progress in putting this behind you in just the first 2 weeks.

 

You will be surprised how far you can go in just 2 weeks if you put NC in place and see it in your brain as history.

 

Withdrawal from my ex-AP has been extremely painful as we used to communicate every day and throughout the day. Thank you for the tips. Hopefully this will get better as time passes.

[Rainbowlove]

Withdrawal from my ex-AP has been extremely painful as we used to communicate every day and throughout the day. Thank you for the tips. Hopefully this will get better as time passes.

 

Wrong.

 

Sorry to say. As you separate yourself from your XAP and deal with the emotional turmoil of ending that, you'll truly begin to see the depths of what you've done to your wife, your family and yourself.

 

Then the "real" darkness sets in.

 

This is just the beginning of the unraveling. It's a very long road back from hell - buckle your seat belt....the road a head is going to be rocky at best.

 

Stay absolutely no contact - it's the only way for everyone to heal completely.

 

You have a lot of work to do, but if you are true to committing to reconciliation and your wife willing to work with you, you can get there together in time.

[truncated]

Wrong.

 

Sorry to say. As you separate yourself from your XAP and deal with the emotional turmoil of ending that, you'll truly begin to see the depths of what you've done to your wife, your family and yourself.

 

Then the "real" darkness sets in.

 

This is just the beginning of the unraveling. It's a very long road back from hell - buckle your seat belt....the road a head is going to be rocky at best.

 

Stay absolutely no contact - it's the only way for everyone to heal completely.

 

You have a lot of work to do, but if you are true to committing to reconciliation and your wife willing to work with you, you can get there together in time.

 

 

i don't know if it's a good idea or not, but it sounds like it's best to treat an affair that is now over using principles that a similar to a 12 step program, with the most important being take things one day at a time.

 

It also sounds like one needs to put an end to the "mm/mw" mindset and switch to a ws mindset.

 

I don't know as I have never been in the position, but is it a good idea or a bad idea to tell the bs if one is hurting over the loss of the affair? ( i expect that it may be different in each situation)?

 

On the one hand, there is the pain hearing that could cause the bs, while on the other, she may find herself caught in the cycle of self doubt and self blame for the ws actions if he is acting aloof or distant. Knowing it's not her fault might help, but I don't know.

 

OP, just as you are grieving the loss of your affair, your wife is also grieving the loss of her marriage. It is lost, and even if things become wonderful later on, right now, she is likely grieving and it's probably 1000X worse than anything you are feeling. Give her the time and space to do so, without whomping on her immediately with a " let's fix this right now, and part of that is addressing the things you did wrong". Giver her time let her do this at her own pace. You may be ready to work on things, but you have had the gift of time and knowledge. She has not.

[Pinklotus]

We all have moral obligations to everybody we invite to become vulnerable to us. Some choose not to honour that to smooth their own way. Others encourage others not to honour that for their own reasons. Your're all wrong to do so, in my view. The OW deserves a fair, compassionate and clear letting go, within reason. A final meeting where there is a short opportunity for dialogue and the expression of whatever she needs to express is well within reason.

 

If the marriage is first priority, then a meeting is not required. If he's emotionally on the fence and wants to send a message to his wife that the AP is still a priority, or that he's wavering in some way, then by all means he should meet with her.

 

A letter or email is perfectly acceptable as all that needs to be communicated is that it's over. A moral obligation to his affair partner--unbelievable!

[beach]

Yes I did. She knew I would meet her one last time. I told her what happened as it did, and that there would not be contact after.

 

Honestly, this entire situation's been very traumatic and chaotic. What I have written on this forum has been a rumination of much of my own thoughts during this process.

 

In reality, I have not said one bad thing about my wife to my AP, and not one bad thing about my AP to my wife. However, I am going NC with my AP moving forward, starting a new life at a new office, and am focused on rebuilding with my wife.

 

What did you wife say to you about having taken the OW to a cafe?

 

Something is off - you're never giving us what your wife says/feels in all this.

 

You've presented her like a wet rag that just is willing to go along with so much stuff you've presented without her saying a word.

 

She can't be that compliant... So please do give us some info about what your wife has been saying/expecting from you and from herself.

[Pinklotus]

Thank you. Yes, I get that people are angry about their own lives and want to project their feelings and I feel that no matter what I do or say here, I get crucified anyways.

 

Fact is, I certainly have made great mistakes. My wife is the only true victim in this circumstance. However, neither my AP nor I are devils either, we are both human beings and we exercised poor self control of our emotions and probably boundaries.

 

It has been extremely difficult. I'm committing to working on things.

 

"Probably boundaries" ???????!!!!! PROBABLY??????

 

OP, do you hear yourself. You are still so far in the fog it's not funny. You had an affair, emotional and physical, and you say you PROBABLY exercised poor boundary control?

 

Do your marriage a favor and start NC this second. And read "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. You'll gain some valuable insight and advice for both you and your wife.

 

You will be amazed at the clarity of thought and if you think you're appalled at yourself and what you've done now, wait til you've been in NC for a few weeks. It's going to continue to dawn on you what you've done. And you're also going to be appalled that you ever gave your AP so much thought and consideration after DD and actually wanted to MEET with her.

 

And I write this not as a BS, but as a WW--emotional affair. I know right where you're at my friend, and I can tell you you've got to be a big boy and slap down this romantic crap that you think is so special with your AP. Most of it is hormones, as you're going to realize once you've been NC for awhile and you start thinking with your brain and not your d&(@.

 

No, I'm not saying you have to call her names and insult her. Just tell her you are working on your marriage, you made bad choices, and you wish her well. And tell her please not to contact you. She's already been giving you the run around so it won't be surprising. And if she pulls anymore of that emotional blackmail crap, ignore it. If you think she's in danger, call the police. And let it go. For real and no more contact at all. You can't be friends and don't even think about trying to stay in touch.

 

Man up!!!!!

[PhoenixRise]

It's been very hard for her. At times, she is very angry. There are times when she is very depressed. At other times, she carries on as normal and we even joke around. It's been very emotionally taxing for her, and obviously she focuses on me continuing to go to counseling. We are more open and honest about our feelings with one another, and communicate more than we have in many years. I guess that is a good start. I do honestly tell her about some things I've been unhappy about in the marriage even prior to the affair, the guilt I feel about causing her great pain, and that I do sometimes miss my AP but I also try to rationalize the affects of the affair and that it is unfair to compare it to an established marriage because it was more like a fantasy.

 

She has tried to improve her communication. She has a tendency to get self-righteous and judgmental when expressing her views, and that was a big reason why our communication shut down through the years. She has been working in trying to be more open and simply patiently listening to what I have to say. So that helps. We also try to reconnect by planning dates, sharing things together, etc.

 

It's been a very hard process, but right now our focus is trying to communicate and reconnect. It hasn't been easy with all the other chaos happening since this is so recent, like changing offices and ending ties with my AP.

 

Was your wife self righteous or just opinionated and strong willed?

 

Let me caution you.

 

 

Finding out your spouse is having an affair can sink your self esteem to unprecedented lows. You question everything about yourself and your actions and your personality and your appearance. You question everything. I think that is what your wife is doing now. I think, no matter what you might have said about wanting to stay with her, she is afraid of losing you and is currently moderating herself and emotionally jumping through hoops to keep you. I say that because her agreeing to work on the marriage right now?? Yeah, that is a load of BS. There is no way a betrayed spouse who loves/loved her wandering spouse can legitimately be working on her/his problems in the marriage so soon after dday. There is no way in hell she finds a single thing you say the least bit funny right now. Right now she consumed by the massive betrayal you dumped on her. Right now she is questioning if anything in your lives together is really real. Right now she is questioning how the hell you can say you love her and cheat on her. Right now she is wondering if you think she is good enough and even worse, she is wondering herself if she is good enough....because you cheated and not just sexually, you placeed another woman on a pedestal above her. Because you have described your OW as this beautiful goddess who treated you like a king, while your wife is moderately beautiful and self righteous.

 

If your wife recovers her self esteem she is going to be good and pi$$ed off. She is going to notice that her moderately beautiful, "self righteous" self is getting noticed when she goes out. And she is going to wonder if she did right by herself fighting so hard to keep you.

 

Im not saying you shouldn't reconcile. After my H's affair I reconciled with him eventually. BUT. If your wife was posting here I would have told her to throw a whole china cabinet full of dishes at your head while she packed her bags to get as far away from you as possible leaving a cloud of dust in her wake. Because right now, you really don't deserve her.

 

Listen. Deal with your affair with your wife. Deal with whatever it takes to let her know you love her and WANT to be with her, not out of some sense of history or obligation but because you want to be there. (Frankly, based on what you have written about both women it seems like you are choosing your wife only because the OW didn't live up to the pedestal you placed her on. )

 

Deal with loss of trust, deal with the loss of respect, deal with the land mine you planted in the middle of your living room for your wife to unknowingly step on. Deal with that. FIRST.

 

If your wife still loves you she will make changes to fix her part of whatever marital problems she played a part it. But right now, so soon after dday she is probably reacting out of fear. If you want it to be real, you have to deal with the destruction YOUR choices caused FIRST.

Edited March 13, 2015 by PhoenixRise
clarity

[Pinklotus]

I see from reading back that you did meet with her and start NC. You didn't have to have a 30 min. meeting, that's for sure, but going forward I certainly hope you don't find any other reasons to meet with her. And stop calling her your AP. She's not anymore.

 

Finally, quit talking about where your wife went wrong. There's time for that later. Right now you need to do a lot to prove to her that she should stay.

 

 

"Probably boundaries" ???????!!!!! PROBABLY??????

 

OP, do you hear yourself. You are still so far in the fog it's not funny. You had an affair, emotional and physical, and you say you PROBABLY exercised poor boundary control?

 

Do your marriage a favor and start NC this second. And read "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. You'll gain some valuable insight and advice for both you and your wife.

 

You will be amazed at the clarity of thought and if you think you're appalled at yourself and what you've done now, wait til you've been in NC for a few weeks. It's going to continue to dawn on you what you've done. And you're also going to be appalled that you ever gave your AP so much thought and consideration after DD and actually wanted to MEET with her.

 

And I write this not as a BS, but as a WW--emotional affair. I know right where you're at my friend, and I can tell you you've got to be a big boy and slap down this romantic crap that you think is so special with your AP. Most of it is hormones, as you're going to realize once you've been NC for awhile and you start thinking with your brain and not your d&(@.

 

No, I'm not saying you have to call her names and insult her. Just tell her you are working on your marriage, you made bad choices, and you wish her well. And tell her please not to contact you. She's already been giving you the run around so it won't be surprising. And if she pulls anymore of that emotional blackmail crap, ignore it. If you think she's in danger, call the police. And let it go. For real and no more contact at all. You can't be friends and don't even think about trying to stay in touch.

 

Man up!!!!!

[Rainbowlove]

Finding out your spouse is having an affair can sink your self esteem to unprecedented lows. You question everything about yourself and your actions and your personality and your appearance. You question everything. I think that is what your wife is doing now. I think, no matter what you might have said about wanting to stay with her, she is afraid of losing you and is currently moderating herself and emotionally jumping through hoops to keep you. I say that because her agreeing to work on the marriage right now?? Yeah, that is a load of BS. There is no way a betrayed spouse who loves/loved her wandering spouse can legitimately be working on her/his problems in the marriage so soon after dday. There is no way in hell she finds a single thing you say the least bit funny right now. Right now she consumed by the massive betrayal you dumped on her. Right now she is questioning if anything in your lives together is really real. Right now she is questioning how the hell you can say you love her and cheat on her. Right now she is wondering if you think she is good enough and even worse, she is wondering herself if she is good enough....because you cheated and not just sexually, you placeed another woman on a pedestal above her.

 

If your wife recovers her self esteem she is going to be good and pi$$ed off. She is going to notice that her moderately beautiful, "self righteous" self is getting noticed when she goes out. And she is going to wonder if she did right by herself fighting so hard to keep you.

 

You had better read and re-read and re-read this until is sinks in...

 

All of this is 100% truth...

 

It is the "real" darkness I was referring to.

 

You have no idea what you are about to face....but the rest of us do and it's not pretty.

 

I feel like there's a part of you that is so cocky and narcissistic that you cannot see your world could come crumbling down at any moment...

 

And the minute you realize this, then and only then do you know real FEAR and PAIN.

Edited March 13, 2015 by Rainbowlove

[obtuseedge]

You had better read and re-read and re-read this until is sinks in...

 

All of this is 100% truth...

 

It is the "real" darkness I was referring to.

 

You have no idea what you are about to face....but the rest of us do and it's not pretty.

 

I feel like there's a part of you that is so cocky and narcissistic that you cannot see your world could come crumbling down at any moment...

 

And the minute you realize this, then and only then do you know real FEAR and PAIN.

 

Thanks. I did need to read that. I still feel like I'm in the affair fog as some have alluded that the total damage I've done to my wife and marriage has not really set in yet. It's going to be a really rough road moving forward. I'm not sure where to start fixing it besides going NC with my XAP.

[obtuseedge]

What did you wife say to you about having taken the OW to a cafe?

 

Something is off - you're never giving us what your wife says/feels in all this.

 

You've presented her like a wet rag that just is willing to go along with so much stuff you've presented without her saying a word.

 

She can't be that compliant... So please do give us some info about what your wife has been saying/expecting from you and from herself.

 

She is absolutely not compliant. We've gone through all kinds of mood swings the last week. From her screaming saying my xAP was a whore, to saying she is disgusted with me. To giving me advice as to my general sense of dissatisfaction in life, which has plagued me for a long time. We have had a lot of talks about the importance of setting clear boundaries with people, and her saying that she immediately tells men that she is married once they express interest in her. So she has been really productive for the most part given the enormity of what's happened. When I am with her, I tend to go from feeling remorseful to withdrawing again to trying to be normal again. There were nights when we both broke down and cried in each others' arms. It's been a real roller coaster.

[Rainbowlove]

I'm not sure where to start fixing it besides going NC with my XAP.

 

You start fixing it by owning your behavior and choices that led to your affair.

 

Did your marriage have problems? Sure, I'll give you that.

 

Did you have to have an affair because you had marital problems?

 

Absolutely NOT. That is an excuse!! You may not feel that way now, but I'm here to tell you there's nothing in the world your wife did to deserve what you did to her. Nothing.

 

It's all on YOU. Just like my affair is all on me.

 

The more you realize that, the more it hurts like hell. You have to carry the weight (or as Mrs. John Adams says, Bag of Rocks) until you have carried them long enough on your own...and understand the full weight of your affair and what it did to your wife...not your XAP.

 

You will be carrying this weight forever, sir. You just don't know it yet.

[Rainbowlove]

And as the fog and feelings for XAP begin to fade, you start to see your wife again fully for the woman you met and fell in love with...the woman she was before you met XAP - holy hell, man...than the hits keep coming...