Wife found out about affair

[obtuseedge]

You start fixing it by owning your behavior and choices that led to your affair.

 

Did your marriage have problems? Sure, I'll give you that.

 

Did you have to have an affair because you had marital problems?

 

Absolutely NOT. That is an excuse!! You may not feel that way now, but I'm here to tell you there's nothing in the world your wife did to deserve what you did to her. Nothing.

 

It's all on YOU. Just like my affair is all on me.

 

The more you realize that, the more it hurts like hell. You have to carry the weight (or as Mrs. John Adams says, Bag of Rocks) until you have carried them long enough on your own...and understand the full weight of your affair and what it did to your wife...not your XAP.

 

You will be carrying this weight forever, sir. You just don't know it yet.

 

I certainly do not blame any of the affair on my wife. I also take full responsibility for it.

 

Yes, my marriage was not perfect. Whose is? That was not a reason for me to have my affair. The issues that led to my affair was a lack of self control over my emotions and behavior, and a lack of boundaries.

 

Yes, our marriage did have its own problems. The main one was a lack of communication and the breaking down of sharing/connecting with one another. Obviously, my wife was certainly not the cause of that, both of us have traits that led to that.

 

I don't know if we can even address those issues at this point. The main hurdle right now is just agreeing to reconcile and move forward somehow. It has not been easy. We are planning a date for tonight for starters.

[waterwoman]

Hi

 

I don't know if it will work out for you. How could I? But it sounds very much like you really want it to and that is one hell of a good start. You have to be all in for it to work, regardless of your feelings for the OW. Half-hearted wont cut it. Anbivalent won't cut it. Bloody-minded determination in the face of your wife's anger and pain, constant support and love and humility may just win the day. Never say 'if you hadn't done x the affair wouldn't have happened'. Never say 'I was driven to it'. Those are not fair or true. She didn't make you cheat and what's more it will drive another dagger into her heart. There will be a time for dealing with long-standing problems. That time is not now. And if she is like me or many other BSs she will already be believing she is to blame. She needs you to tell her it wasn't your fault, she did not deserve this.

 

Good luck. Both of you

[Rainbowlove]

The main hurdle right now is just agreeing to reconcile and move forward somehow.

 

This is how you move forward now, just as Truncated says below...

 

i don't know if it's a good idea or not, but it sounds like it's best to treat an affair that is now over using principles that a similar to a 12 step program, with the most important being take things one day at a time.

 

With sincere humility.

[afoolto no end]

sometimes getting away for a weekend on a holiday so you can reconnect is a great idea if you can swing it, you plan it. It will mean a great deal from now on if the ideas are yours and the plans are made by you to protect her…..

She is hurting very badly……don't hurt her anymore for any reason nothing is more important than she is and your marriage is….

During the fallout from my husband's affair we became better friends we talked everything out in fact I think as time went on at home with me was the only place he felt safe……

You have to have a clean slate no more lies no more contact….

My husband had that meeting to make sure she understood and it was gut wrenching for me and it is one thing I truly anger about how could he just keep putting his ap over me….that is what it felt like..that is what he did just like you did, you just decided you would agree to it…….like your wife didn't matter still.

you need to prove that isn't going to be something you will ever do again.

you need to rebuild the trust in your life.

[MJJean]

And as the fog and feelings for XAP begin to fade, you start to see your wife again fully for the woman you met and fell in love with...the woman she was before you met XAP - holy hell, man...than the hits keep coming...

 

And I think there is a very good chance that as the fog lifts, Obtuse will begin to see that he betrayed his wife and vows for a woman that manipulated and lied to him from day 1.

 

I'm not saying she didn't have genuine feelings for him, because I believe she did. She was taken by him, wanted him for herself, became convinced he was destined to be hers, and then went after him with every weapon in her arsenal.

 

Obtuse, have you ever talked to your ex-AP's husband? I wonder if you two could have a 100% keep it real conversation. I suspect you'd find that a lot of what she did and said to you she also did and said to him back when they got together.

 

I know, I know. "But she said she'd never blah blah blah." She lied to her husband and he believed her, so it stands to reason she could have been/was probably lying to you too. And she'll play the next guy the same way. Your wife isn't going to be the only woman you'll see more clearly. And once you start piecing together things that don't add up I fear you'll feel even worse about what you did and who you did it to be with.

[beach]

You could start with a MC that allows you both to throw all your problems out into the open and on the table to sort through.

 

This called honesty.

 

And then dealing with the problems in a healthy way so that you can BEGIN to build a NEW and IMPROVED marriage with your wife.

 

That would be a good place to start.

[obtuseedge]

And I think there is a very good chance that as the fog lifts, Obtuse will begin to see that he betrayed his wife and vows for a woman that manipulated and lied to him from day 1.

 

I'm not saying she didn't have genuine feelings for him, because I believe she did. She was taken by him, wanted him for herself, became convinced he was destined to be hers, and then went after him with every weapon in her arsenal.

 

Obtuse, have you ever talked to your ex-AP's husband? I wonder if you two could have a 100% keep it real conversation. I suspect you'd find that a lot of what she did and said to you she also did and said to him back when they got together.

 

I know, I know. "But she said she'd never blah blah blah." She lied to her husband and he believed her, so it stands to reason she could have been/was probably lying to you too. And she'll play the next guy the same way. Your wife isn't going to be the only woman you'll see more clearly. And once you start piecing together things that don't add up I fear you'll feel even worse about what you did and who you did it to be with.

 

My X-AP is a complex woman. She has many sides to her personality. Yes, there is the side that is no nonsense and will use whatever she has in her arsenal to get what she wants. There is also a side that is quite naive and kind.

 

I do believe her about her ex-husband. I have not met him in person, but he is a member of a certain internet forum and I had read his contributions out of curiosity and he really struck me as an immensely self righteous, argumentative and domineering personality even on the internet. Also, my xAP was generally a very friendly and non-confrontational personality, so I can certainly see how she would've felt oppressed by him since they met when she was at a young age and he was 10 years her senior. I've also seen photos of him and he is not physically attractive at all and looks even older than his age.

 

Her feelings for me were certainly genuine. Even if they were combined with self interest on her part as well.

[velvette]

Withdrawal from my ex-AP has been extremely painful as we used to communicate every day and throughout the day. Thank you for the tips. Hopefully this will get better as time passes.

 

Text or better call your wife and ask her how shes doing and replace that communication with communication with your wife.

[Sassy Girl]

My X-AP is a complex woman. She has many sides to her personality. Yes, there is the side that is no nonsense and will use whatever she has in her arsenal to get what she wants. There is also a side that is quite naive and kind.

 

I do believe her about her ex-husband. I have not met him in person, but he is a member of a certain internet forum and I had read his contributions out of curiosity and he really struck me as an immensely self righteous, argumentative and domineering personality even on the internet. Also, my xAP was generally a very friendly and non-confrontational personality, so I can certainly see how she would've felt oppressed by him since they met when she was at a young age and he was 10 years her senior. I've also seen photos of him and he is not physically attractive at all and looks even older than his age.

 

Her feelings for me were certainly genuine. Even if they were combined with self interest on her part as well.

 

So... You could have been anyone.... She just wanted rescuing?

[PhoenixRise]

My X-AP is a complex woman. She has many sides to her personality. Yes, there is the side that is no nonsense and will use whatever she has in her arsenal to get what she wants. There is also a side that is quite naive and kind.

 

I do believe her about her ex-husband. I have not met him in person, but he is a member of a certain internet forum and I had read his contributions out of curiosity and he really struck me as an immensely self righteous, argumentative and domineering personality even on the internet. Also, my xAP was generally a very friendly and non-confrontational personality, so I can certainly see how she would've felt oppressed by him since they met when she was at a young age and he was 10 years her senior. I've also seen photos of him and he is not physically attractive at all and looks even older than his age.

 

Her feelings for me were certainly genuine. Even if they were combined with self interest on her part as well.

 

I wonder what he would think of you if he read your internet forum postings....here for instance.

 

So the OW is a kind and naive beautiful woman who will use any weapon in her arsenal to get what she wants.

 

 

Your wife is a woman who couldn't cope if you left her but who you also said would leave if she found out about the affair.

 

The OW's husband is abusive and domineering and opposed the OW education BUT he paid for her education and is seemingly ok with her working on Lucrative projects to make money for herself.

 

AND both OW's husband and your wife are self righteous ..

 

I am wondering if you are seeing anyone (including yourself) clearly here.

[autumnnight]

Yes, our marriage did have its own problems. The main one was a lack of communication and the breaking down of sharing/connecting with one another. Obviously, my wife was certainly not the cause of that, both of us have traits that led to that.

 

I don't know if we can even address those issues at this point. The main hurdle right now is just agreeing to reconcile and move forward somehow. It has not been easy. We are planning a date for tonight for starters.

 

Here is what you focus on now:

 

Your wife, her pain, her hurt, and her well-being

 

Your character and its improvements

 

What your wife might have done or not done in the marriage or in communication is not even on the radar right now.

 

This is all about YOU helping HER heal.

[MJJean]

My X-AP is a complex woman. She has many sides to her personality. Yes, there is the side that is no nonsense and will use whatever she has in her arsenal to get what she wants. There is also a side that is quite naive and kind.

 

I do believe her about her ex-husband. I have not met him in person, but he is a member of a certain internet forum and I had read his contributions out of curiosity and he really struck me as an immensely self righteous, argumentative and domineering personality even on the internet. Also, my xAP was generally a very friendly and non-confrontational personality, so I can certainly see how she would've felt oppressed by him since they met when she was at a young age and he was 10 years her senior. I've also seen photos of him and he is not physically attractive at all and looks even older than his age.

 

Her feelings for me were certainly genuine. Even if they were combined with self interest on her part as well.

 

Don't confuse lies, manipulation, and scheming along with a decided lack of empathy for others with complexity. It's really exceedingly simple.

 

And your description of her husband really does make it look a hell of a lot like she married him more for ambition than affection. And remember, she dated and then married that unattractive, self-righteous, domineering man. In fact, you should remember that she was also screwing him for years and very likely during your affair, as well. Either she had feelings for him too, or she was faking it. If she was faking it for him, well.... Obviously, he believed she loved him.

 

If she was as kind and caring as you think she'd have felt horrible about your wife. She didn't. She felt giddy because she believed she was about to get what she wanted and she didn't give a f@ck who she hurt (your wife, her husband, you and your career) in the process.

 

I'm just saying it might be a good idea to reach out to him and talk. You could be very surprised. I think you will be. And, if I'm right, it will help you greatly to know the truth of the situation as you heal and recover.

 

She lies. She manipulates. She has admitted that when caught and pressed. You aren't going to ever get the truth from her. Maybe you will from him.

 

Revisionist history from an AP is NOT uncommon.

 

Besides, if she played her husband, too, he has a right to know. You'd be doing both him and you a favor.

Edited March 13, 2015 by MJJean

[SleekArchitecture]

This AP has really been stripped down to an evil core, it made me wonder if her next scheming evil agenda is to become an ISIS bride.

[obtuseedge]

Don't confuse lies, manipulation, and scheming along with a decided lack of empathy for others with complexity. It's really exceedingly simple.

 

And your description of her husband really does make it look a hell of a lot like she married him more for ambition than affection. And remember, she dated and then married that unattractive, self-righteous, domineering man. In fact, you should remember that she was also screwing him for years and very likely during your affair, as well. Either she had feelings for him too, or she was faking it. If she was faking it for him, well.... Obviously, he believed she loved him.

 

If she was as kind and caring as you think she'd have felt horrible about your wife. She didn't. She felt giddy because she believed she was about to get what she wanted and she didn't give a f@ck who she hurt (your wife, her husband, you and your career) in the process.

 

I'm just saying it might be a good idea to reach out to him and talk. You could be very surprised. I think you will be. And, if I'm right, it will help you greatly to know the truth of the situation as you heal and recover.

 

She lies. She manipulates. She has admitted that when caught and pressed. You aren't going to ever get the truth from her. Maybe you will from him.

 

Revisionist history from an AP is NOT uncommon.

 

Besides, if she played her husband, too, he has a right to know. You'd be doing both him and you a favor.

 

My xAP was a kind and good hearted person for the most part. She initially was reluctant to date her husband when he first pursued her because she wasn't very attracted to him, but his persistence along with showering her with an extreme amount of attention and trips won her over in the first few years until after they married, and then hell set in. He was a substance abuser and had an extremely addictive personality, so he was initially addicted to her and showered her with a ton of attention, trips, gifts, etc. She was also attracted to his intelligence, although he was not physically attractive. She was a 21 year old girl and quite naive. As the years went by, he became more and more abusive.

[MJJean]

My xAP was a kind and good hearted person for the most part. She initially was reluctant to date her husband when he first pursued her because she wasn't very attracted to him, but his persistence along with showering her with an extreme amount of attention and trips won her over in the first few years until after they married, and then hell set in. He was a substance abuser and had an extremely addictive personality, so he was initially addicted to her and showered her with a ton of attention, trips, gifts, etc. She was also attracted to his intelligence, although he was not physically attractive. She was a 21 year old girl and quite naive. As the years went by, he became more and more abusive.

 

Can you verify any of this with an independent source who did NOT hear it from your ex-AP?

[obtuseedge]

Can you verify any of this with an independent source who did NOT hear it from your ex-AP?

 

Well, there are various incidents in which I have verified involving the ex-husband which confirmed he had severe behavioral issues.

[beach]

You would be wise to quit think/speaking of and thinking so much about the OW.

 

Focus that energy on your wife to repair your M.

[velvette]

Well, there are various incidents in which I have verified involving the ex-husband which confirmed he had severe behavioral issues.

 

What does it matter? You will never know what really went on in their marriage.

 

 

What you do know is despite any good qualities she may have, she has some very toxic issues. Threatening self harm to get her way is fairly extreme dysfunctional behavior.

 

 

Your wife is every bit if not more distraught over your behavior. Is she threatening self harm?

 

 

Face it, your exAP has lots of issues. Those issues have more to do with why she had an A with you than anything else. Let it and her go. She is currently a toxic person. Resolve to keep toxic people out of your life and out of your marriage.

 

 

Also, your willingness to overlook her willingness to use her husband in the way she has despite the fact she was "young and naïve" is weird. I know a lot of

young women. None of them think like this. She was a user at a young age, shes a user now.

Edited March 14, 2015 by velvette

[afoolto no end]

I agree stop thinking about OW when you do call your wife to see if she is okay and if there is anything you can do for her…..

Spend time with her even if it's just in the same room even when she is angry tell her you won't leave her alone to deal with what you caused alone, that good bad or ugly your there right beside her, start doing little things that she can rebuild trust, anything to start with…..

You figure out or ask her what her emotional needs are and start filling them her way not yours, communicate..do little things she likes, cook for her, get her favourite things so they are there when she wants them, make her feel special…….block all email accounts phone #'s anyway OW can contact you, make sure it doesn't ever happen, no mistakes, no 2nd d-day.

get away if you can, alone.

Just take care of her every need, don't expect anything in return this is her time not yours…..

never ever sell her out or anything she did wrong or tell her it was because of her ……

vow renewals at some point to fix what is broken

[obtuseedge]

Hi

 

I don't know if it will work out for you. How could I? But it sounds very much like you really want it to and that is one hell of a good start. You have to be all in for it to work, regardless of your feelings for the OW. Half-hearted wont cut it. Anbivalent won't cut it. Bloody-minded determination in the face of your wife's anger and pain, constant support and love and humility may just win the day. Never say 'if you hadn't done x the affair wouldn't have happened'. Never say 'I was driven to it'. Those are not fair or true. She didn't make you cheat and what's more it will drive another dagger into her heart. There will be a time for dealing with long-standing problems. That time is not now. And if she is like me or many other BSs she will already be believing she is to blame. She needs you to tell her it wasn't your fault, she did not deserve this.

 

Good luck. Both of you

 

I've never tried to shift the blame to my wife, because frankly, it was absolutely not her fault. The responsibility solely is with me.

 

Right now, although I am trying to reconnect with my wife, a part of me still feels a great loss from the affair, and also from having to lose my connection with my old/current office and having to find a new office. It's a lot of change condensed into a short period of time and it's been very bewildering and stressful.

[obtuseedge]

What does it matter? You will never know what really went on in their marriage.

 

 

What you do know is despite any good qualities she may have, she has some very toxic issues. Threatening self harm to get her way is fairly extreme dysfunctional behavior.

 

 

Your wife is every bit if not more distraught over your behavior. Is she threatening self harm?

 

 

Face it, your exAP has lots of issues. Those issues have more to do with why she had an A with you than anything else. Let it and her go. She is currently a toxic person. Resolve to keep toxic people out of your life and out of your marriage.

 

 

Also, your willingness to overlook her willingness to use her husband in the way she has despite the fact she was "young and naïve" is weird. I know a lot of

young women. None of them think like this. She was a user at a young age, shes a user now.

 

I wouldn't say my XAP is toxic, but she does act needy sometimes and it seems I continually occupy her thoughts. She is nowhere near a monster.

 

My wife has been very strong and calm for the most part. She's never threatened self harm.

[velvette]

I wouldn't say my XAP is toxic, but she does act needy sometimes and it seems I continually occupy her thoughts. She is nowhere near a monster.

 

My wife has been very strong and calm for the most part. She's never threatened self harm.

 

I didn't say she was a monster, but she clearly has some toxic issues that will bleed over onto anyone who is involved with her until she resolves them.

 

 

Further, based on how you have described your interactions with her, she has no plans to resolve them.

 

 

She despite having beauty and brains which should be more than enough to lead a life of integrity while also obtaining most of what anyone would want, feels the need to use and manipulate people.

 

 

What in the world do you find to admire about that? She has no integrity and despite her desire for and attraction to people she perceives to have power, she has no personal power of her own to bring to the table as long as she operates this way. Maybe she will one day when she gets her act together. But, until then my friend, yes she is toxic and anyone who gets involved with her will pay a price of some kind.

[obtuseedge]

I didn't say she was a monster, but she clearly has some toxic issues that will bleed over onto anyone who is involved with her until she resolves them.

 

 

Further, based on how you have described your interactions with her, she has no plans to resolve them.

 

 

She despite having beauty and brains which should be more than enough to lead a life of integrity while also obtaining most of what anyone would want, feels the need to use and manipulate people.

 

 

What in the world do you find to admire about that? She has no integrity and despite her desire for and attraction to people she perceives to have power, she has no personal power of her own to bring to the table as long as she operates this way. Maybe she will one day when she gets her act together. But, until then my friend, yes she is toxic and anyone who gets involved with her will pay a price of some kind.

 

She also has a very vulnerable and innocent side that I've seen in our intimate moments, so no, I don't consider her toxic. I think sometimes she's self absorbed and determined to get what she wants, damn the consequences, but for the most part, she's a sweet person.

[SolG]

I'm a bit flummoxed why there seems to be a general concencus that OP should now maintain NC with his xOW, move on, and focus on his W, yet there seems to be a determination to contine to demonise the xOW with the nett effect of not helping OP focus on his W at all. On the contrary, it goads him into not only thinking about xOW, but defending her!

 

I know it's like fun'n'all to virtually stone the scarlet woman. But not sure if that preoccupation is helpful for the OP right now :-/

[truncated]

As I said above, take each day one day at a time. You don't have to, and can't fix your marriage and you life all in one day. Try setting goals for each day, accomplish those, then move on to the next.

 

This process is going to take a long time, butif you can do it, it will be well worth all your heartache and effort.