Wife found out about affair

[afoolto no end]

don't let that zoning out happen, communicate or you will fall right back into the same thing that makes both of you unhappy.

you have to try this time……..

if your serious meet her needs……..your OW was 6 months and a fantasy, you can't see that now because of the affair fog, but when the reality hits you and you have some time to get your mind back you will see 6 months is not enough to throw your life out for, do you know what the odds are in this kind of relationship based on lies and deceit almost zero because if you were together you would both wonder every time you were not with them what you were doing, you both know that you are capable of adultery…….do you have kids?

think about all the implications of this situation with families friends, your lucky there hasn't been a full blown out exposure if that happens and I think it should you will see what kind of pain you two have inflicted.

right now your hiding behind the lies and getting away with it.

[truncated]

You have to be all in to the reconciliation or all out. Don't leave your wife on the hook while you try and make up your mind.

Edited March 14, 2015 by truncated

[beach]

Well, we were deeply attached for over a half year. Constantly texting all day, every day. Now we are abruptly separated, so I have to deal with the loss.

 

I am still with my wife every day. It's not easy dealing with this, but we make plans every day to do things together.

 

So it seems you have evidence that when YOU text a woman constantly all day, every day you feel deeply connected to her. I'm guessing you could do that with your wife too, right - in order to get that deep emotional investment that you've become accustomed to?

 

How long have you been married? What other things can YOU DO to feel a deeper connection now with your wife?

 

That kind of connection is all up to you, by how much time and energy you spend focused on every little thing your wife does/says/texts.

 

It's called "investing in" that relationship. You get out what you put into it. Since you plan to stay married - why not go all in and see if it can be amazing?

[PhoenixRise]

I'm going to offer a slightly different take.

 

I don't think under the circumstances it is so unusual that this WS is still thinking a lot about the OW.

 

It seems normal and expected to me. Unless I'm mistaken dday was just a few days ago. Before dday he said he was thinking about leaving his wife but was concerned the OW was too flakey and + he loves his wife and was always clear he would never leave. So basically the WS has been all over the map in discussing his own mind and intentions, the OW - who according to him is all kinds of wonderful but also manipulative, the wife - who couldn't cope if he left but who also according to him strong enough to leave him if she found out.

 

He was already all over the map on many fronts.

 

not to mention that feelings don't necessarily just turn off because of dday. Especially when he doesn't seem to be in danger of losing anything at home.

 

If his wife had either packed his bags and kicked him out or packed up and left herselF it would have helped clarify things one way or another. He would either get it together and get his heart and head in the marriage to get her back or he would have found the courage to go after the OW saving the wife the heartache of some halfhearted reconciliation. Either way, he would have to process how he felt about both women.

 

ETA. I'm not saying he should be able to emotionally dither about forever. I'm just saying so soon after dday its normal.

Edited March 14, 2015 by PhoenixRise

[obtuseedge]

I'm going to offer a slightly different take.

 

I don't think under the circumstances it is so unusual that this WS is still thinking a lot about the OW.

 

It seems normal and expected to me. Unless I'm mistaken dday was just a few days ago. Before dday he said he was thinking about leaving his wife but was concerned the OW was too flakey and + he loves his wife and was always clear he would never leave. So basically the WS has been all over the map in discussing his own mind and intentions, the OW - who according to him is all kinds of wonderful but also manipulative, the wife - who couldn't cope if he left but who also according to him strong enough to leave him if she found out.

 

He was already all over the map on many fronts.

 

not to mention that feelings don't necessarily just turn off because of dday. Especially when he doesn't seem to be in danger of losing anything at home.

 

If his wife had either packed his bags and kicked him out or packed up and left herselF it would have helped clarify things one way or another. He would either get it together and get his heart and head in the marriage to get her back or he would have found the courage to go after the OW saving the wife the heartache of some halfhearted reconciliation. Either way, he would have to process how he felt about both women.

 

ETA. I'm not saying he should be able to emotionally dither about forever. I'm just saying so soon after dday its normal.

 

Fact is, this situation's been the most perplexing time in my life. I've always had a hard time in life identifying my feelings, and have spent too much time analyzing my own thoughts. Fact is, it's hard to walk away from a long relationship when you have a history with that person. Also, my wife has been good to me for the most part, although our relationship has not been spectacular. Our communication isn't that great, and we don't have awfully interesting conversations. That's probably the primary problem in our relationship, although we have cared a lot for one another and been there for one another through the years.

 

The last two days, I've been zoning out a lot. A lot of it is because of the stress of having to not only go NC with my xAP, but also having to leave my entire professional life behind, all the friends/coworkers I had at my office and finding a new one, which doesn't seem to be more satisfying.

 

Another is that the tumult of the last few days have seriously been wearing me down. I feel like I'm slipping into depression.

[SleekArchitecture]

My ball may be in the sand trap, off course, but your vibes give off that you have checked out of this marriage and quite possibly your wife has checked out. Where is her fervor, passion, and anger? I know if it was me, you would not have been at the office alone on your last day, it would have been couples day at work, and lunch with me at that quaint cafe.

 

Not being obnoxious but I am hearing quite a lot about everything but your wife. Even the job change seems a higher priority. Am I wrong?

 

What about an overdue passionate vacation before the new office?

[Zenstudent]

Fact is, this situation's been the most perplexing time in my life. I've always had a hard time in life identifying my feelings, and have spent too much time analyzing my own thoughts. Fact is, it's hard to walk away from a long relationship when you have a history with that person. Also, my wife has been good to me for the most part, although our relationship has not been spectacular. Our communication isn't that great, and we don't have awfully interesting conversations. That's probably the primary problem in our relationship, although we have cared a lot for one another and been there for one another through the years.

 

The last two days, I've been zoning out a lot. A lot of it is because of the stress of having to not only go NC with my xAP, but also having to leave my entire professional life behind, all the friends/coworkers I had at my office and finding a new one, which doesn't seem to be more satisfying.

 

Another is that the tumult of the last few days have seriously been wearing me down. I feel like I'm slipping into depression.

Try to look at it this way. You say it's hard to just walk away from your xAP and the affair because you had a history with that person. Yet, you didn't find it hard to walk away from your wife - from the outside, it seemed easy for you to do this. Could you apply the same logic and coping skills to manage this new transition?

[obtuseedge]

My ball may be in the sand trap, off course, but your vibes give off that you have checked out of this marriage and quite possibly your wife has checked out. Where is her fervor, passion, and anger? I know if it was me, you would not have been at the office alone on your last day, it would have been couples day at work, and lunch with me at that quaint cafe.

 

Not being obnoxious but I am hearing quite a lot about everything but your wife. Even the job change seems a higher priority. Am I wrong?

 

What about an overdue passionate vacation before the new office?

 

Trust me. My wife has expressed her anger at me multiple times and still does. However, she's also demonstrated she is committed to fixing the marriage, acknowledges she isn't sure if it can be fixed or if she should be staying, but is committed to it.

 

I mention the issues regarding the OW and my job more because currently those are things I am losing immediately, so the loss is taking a toll on me. At home, things are tense and I feel really drained by it. I do make efforts to reconnect, such as trying to start conversations or going to places, but often times I feel depressed and it doesn't help the situation.

 

Today, I spent a lot of time thinking about whether I should just opt to be single and seek counseling. I've gone through a lot of my life feeling disconnected with my feelings, and I'm realizing that now.

[Zenstudent]

My ball may be in the sand trap, off course, but your vibes give off that you have checked out of this marriage and quite possibly your wife has checked out. Where is her fervor, passion, and anger? I know if it was me, you would not have been at the office alone on your last day, it would have been couples day at work, and lunch with me at that quaint cafe.

 

Not being obnoxious but I am hearing quite a lot about everything but your wife. Even the job change seems a higher priority. Am I wrong?

 

What about an overdue passionate vacation before the new office?

Waayyy to soon for that. He must prepare himself for the **** storm yet to come.

 

It's still all about him, and not his wife. Give it some time to unfold.

[obtuseedge]

Try to look at it this way. You say it's hard to just walk away from your xAP and the affair because you had a history with that person. Yet, you didn't find it hard to walk away from your wife - from the outside, it seemed easy for you to do this. Could you apply the same logic and coping skills to manage this new transition?

 

No, I meant that it is hard to walk away from my wife because of the history we have had.

 

Also, what keeps me from leaving for my xAP is precisely because I know that the stage of infatuation is only temporary. It was the same with my wife and also with my college gf who I was with in a long term relationship.

 

Perhaps I'm just not happy in a relationship. At the same time, you don't get a good relationship by not investing in it.

[SleekArchitecture]

No, I meant that it is hard to walk away from my wife because of the history we have had.

 

Also, what keeps me from leaving for my xAP is precisely because I know that the stage of infatuation is only temporary. It was the same with my wife and also with my college gf who I was with in a long term relationship.

 

Perhaps I'm just not happy in a relationship. At the same time, you don't get a good relationship by not investing in it.

 

Well this is a good time for you both to figure it out. What about a life coach, marriage counselor for both you and your wife together to figure out if this marriage is worth saving for both of you, especially before children are added into the picture.

 

It is not going to do either one of you any good to be divorced in 20 years, you are in your 30s, this marriage sounds like you are in your latter years.

[obtuseedge]

Well this is a good time for you both to figure it out. What about a life coach, marriage counselor for both you and your wife together to figure out if this marriage is worth saving for both of you, especially before children are added into the picture.

 

It is not going to do either one of you any good to be divorced in 20 years, you are in your 30s, this marriage sounds like you are in your latter years.

 

Perhaps I will look into marriage counseling. I have brought it up before, but my wife was adamant she didn't need it, because it was I who was not sure what they wanted in life at a personal level. She said she's always been sure about wanting to be married and appreciating that.

[SleekArchitecture]

Perhaps I will look into marriage counseling. I have brought it up before, but my wife was adamant she didn't need it, because it was I who was not sure what they wanted in life at a personal level. She said she's always been sure about wanting to be married and appreciating that.

 

You are a team, and all I hear is individual needs and wants from both sides and angles. Do the homework, if you decide to, and find a life coach, one who does marriage counseling and spiritual counseling. An older woman would perhaps enable your wife to open up more.

[beach]

I see you value things more when they are gone and done.

 

That's why there is so much value in any betrayed spouse kicking the WS to the curb immediately upon finding evidence of the affair.

 

 

So now you're in the M and have said you would stay but aren't really THAT into it/into her. How sad is that for your wife?

 

Can you begin considering how your wife must be feeling? Can you think outside yourself and your ow needs for a while?

 

You have some serious repair to do within the M but if you don't feel invested to make extreme effort to change who you are at your core - it isn't likely to get any better/probably worse.

 

I would say that maybe state the MC to your W as a requirement for the next 6-12 months if you two decide to try to make the M work/better. Otherwise you may just get tempted to cheat again

[afoolto no end]

It is very typical to say everything you are saying when you are disconnecting from your fantasy……..it isn't you it's because you have been getting your needs met elsewhere, what do you expect you would feel for your wife, your feeling sorry for yourself……you don't need a MC, you need to fill each others needs right now, you will see how quickly you can turn this around your wife sounds like she is giving you a gift to save you from yourself……take it, be thankful, someday in the future you will get down on your knees and thank her for standing with you in your stupidest days……..

women need affection, conversation, they need to know they are important worth anything …..especially after an affair…….do things when your wife doesn't expect it, flowers, her special foods, little notes hidden to find when your not there, clean her car……fix something she wants fixed…….when you make any kind of decision ask for her advice and preference.

bring movies home, sit together, hold her had…….

have a new rule in the house, hug in the morning and one before bed…..that human touch goes a long way, steal a kiss…….

look good, smell good…….you fake it until the feelings for you return……..

don't throw everything away for 6 months, the grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence it's just grass………….don't waste anymore of your life or your future on pretending you don't know what you want, you do, you always have. If something needs fixing you put the effort into fixing it and you will see how happy you really can be………be the leader in this for now……..in every marriage one person has to carry the other this is your turn to stand with her for her show her she is loved and that you made a huge mistake

Edited March 15, 2015 by afoolto no end

[PhoenixRise]

Trust me. My wife has expressed her anger at me multiple times and still does. However, she's also demonstrated she is committed to fixing the marriage, acknowledges she isn't sure if it can be fixed or if she should be staying, but is committed to it.

 

I mention the issues regarding the OW and my job more because currently those are things I am losing immediately, so the loss is taking a toll on me. At home, things are tense and I feel really drained by it. I do make efforts to reconnect, such as trying to start conversations or going to places, but often times I feel depressed and it doesn't help the situation.

 

Today, I spent a lot of time thinking about whether I should just opt to be single and seek counseling. I've gone through a lot of my life feeling disconnected with my feelings, and I'm realizing that now.

 

You don't get it.

 

Your wife is not looking forward to going anywhere with you right now.mas long as she is still feeling the knife in her back she is not going to be able to reconnect with you. And until you really get it. Until you get what you did to her no connection or reconciliation is possible. I don't know if you even have the capacity to get it.

 

Maybe you guys need marital counseling to help determine if you even should be trying to reconcile.

[beach]

You don't get it.

 

Your wife is not looking forward to going anywhere with you right now.mas long as she is still feeling the knife in her back she is not going to be able to reconnect with you. And until you really get it. Until you get what you did to her no connection or reconciliation is possible. I don't know if you even have the capacity to get it.

 

Maybe you guys need marital counseling to help determine if you even should be trying to reconcile.

 

I have to agree with this.

 

 

And since you're not completely grasping the enormous pain you've caused and trying EVERYTHING in your power to set things right FOR your wife - I doubt it will be fulfilling for either one of you.

 

You get what you give. And you being half assed in means it's not likely to be a reconciliation at all. It's more likely to be two people coexisting in the same space but unfulfilled because they are both unhappy.

Edited March 15, 2015 by beach

[obtuseedge]

You don't get it.

 

Your wife is not looking forward to going anywhere with you right now.mas long as she is still feeling the knife in her back she is not going to be able to reconnect with you. And until you really get it. Until you get what you did to her no connection or reconciliation is possible. I don't know if you even have the capacity to get it.

 

Maybe you guys need marital counseling to help determine if you even should be trying to reconcile.

 

I brought it up with her just now. She is adamant that I complete my independent counseling first and then we may do marital counseling. But she keeps stressing that she doesn't have any issues identifying what she wants so she doesn't need counseling. I retorted stating that the counseling isn't just about that, but may also resolve some deeper issues we had in the relationship. Anyways, at this time she is reluctant to do counseling.

 

My plan right now is to continue counseling, staying with my wife, and NC with my xAP so my life decisions are not clouded by the emotions of the affair.

[SleekArchitecture]

It is very typical to say everything you are saying when you are disconnecting from your fantasy……..it isn't you it's because you have been getting your needs met elsewhere, what do you expect you would feel for your wife, your feeling sorry for yourself……you don't need a MC, you need to fill each others needs right now, you will see how quickly you can turn this around your wife sounds like she is giving you a gift to save you from yourself……take it, be thankful, someday in the future you will get down on your knees and thank her for standing with you in your stupidest days……..

women need affection, conversation, they need to know they are important worth anything …..especially after an affair…….do things when your wife doesn't expect it, flowers, her special foods, little notes hidden to find when your not there, clean her car……fix something she wants fixed…….when you make any kind of decision ask for her advice and preference.

bring movies home, sit together, hold her had…….

have a new rule in the house, hug in the morning and one before bed…..that human touch goes a long way, steal a kiss…….

look good, smell good…….you fake it until the feelings for you return……..

don't throw everything away for 6 months, the grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence it's just grass………….don't waste anymore of your life or your future on pretending you don't know what you want, you do, you always have. If something needs fixing you put the effort into fixing it and you will see how happy you really can be………be the leader in this for now……..in every marriage one person has to carry the other this is your turn to stand with her for her show her she is loved and that you made a huge mistake

 

I do not agree with the faking it. My affair partner did all this and returned to me. It needs to be genuine. A good marriage counselor may be able to help them reconnect like this with baby steps since both seem to lead separate lives.

[SleekArchitecture]

I brought it up with her just now. She is adamant that I complete my independent counseling first and then we may do marital counseling. But she keeps stressing that she doesn't have any issues identifying what she wants so she doesn't need counseling. I retorted stating that the counseling isn't just about that, but may also resolve some deeper issues we had in the relationship. Anyways, at this time she is reluctant to do counseling.

 

My plan right now is to continue counseling, staying with my wife, and NC with my xAP so my life decisions are not clouded by the emotions of the affair.

 

Another way to look at it, is your wife may be scared that marriage counseling may open up wounds that cannot be healed. It may surface that the marriage is not salvageable. She may fear being vulnerable to that. I do not blame her for thinking like that, many do think like this out of fear.

 

I think you both are rug sweepers and that is not good. I know less of being betrayed, but I believe I have read that this fails with reconciliation.

[velvette]

I brought it up with her just now. She is adamant that I complete my independent counseling first and then we may do marital counseling. But she keeps stressing that she doesn't have any issues identifying what she wants so she doesn't need counseling. I retorted stating that the counseling isn't just about that, but may also resolve some deeper issues we had in the relationship. Anyways, at this time she is reluctant to do counseling.

 

My plan right now is to continue counseling, staying with my wife, and NC with my xAP so my life decisions are not clouded by the emotions of the affair.

 

 

I think this is a good idea. You are all over the place as said by others and demonstrated in this thread. You really need to center yourself before you tackle marriage counseling. There is no way your wife needs to listen to all that imo.

 

 

The thing that caught my attention a few posts back was the pattern of the initial excitement wearing off in a relationship with your girlfriend, wife and your fear of same with AP. Umm hello, that is what happens in all relationships. You need to either figure out a way to deal with that or resign yourself to being single so you can recreate that excitement whenever you want.

 

 

You are dissatisfied with your whole life, but the common denominator in every area of your life is you, not whatever woman you are involved with.

 

 

Its sort of like when people complain of boredom. All that tells me is they are boring themselves.

 

 

You are imo looking for other people/relationships to fill a hole inside that is related to something you need to address in order to be happier.

 

 

Work on that with a counselor and then tackle marriage counseling.

[jan2012]

Withdrawal from my ex-AP has been extremely painful as we used to communicate every day and throughout the day. Thank you for the tips. Hopefully this will get better as time passes.

 

 

you don't have to hope it will get better as time passes, it will get better as time passes as long as you stay NC. Guaranteed.

[awkward]

Some people seek that constant state of infatuation type love. Like an addiction. Have you considered if you are one of them?

 

Marriages ebb and flow. If you aren't the type of guy who can handle it, the kindest thing you can do for your wife is to tell her. She would have the opportunity to heal and meet a man with the same values as her.

Edited March 15, 2015 by awkward

[afoolto no end]

maybe faking it wasn't the right word, maybe I should have said meet all the needs until it feels second nature something you look forward to doing, they have led a very separated disconnected emotional lives…….it will probably take a bit to change the way they both feel and have felt in the past relationship, this will take a little time, I said fake it until because one might quit or bail or zone out like he said he was doing…………..you understand you do until you fall in love again, even if you don't feel it right away or it's awkward. Being in love respecting the relationship will come ….reconnecting is very blissful……sometimes MC waste a lot of time on family background, it has nothing to do with what happened in the affair It was because of poor boundaries around OW and a selfish entitlement …….it was self serving …….that is easy to fix if you get it

[obtuseedge]

Some people seek that constant state of infatuation type love. Like an addiction. Have you considered if you are one of them?

 

Marriages ebb and flow. If you aren't the type of guy who can handle it, the kindest thing you can do for your wife is to tell her. She would have the opportunity to heal and meet a man with the same values as her.

 

I have considered that I may be one of those, and it is a possibility. Part of me feels like I should let my wife go so she can be with a man who is more emotionally stable and mature. Yet, at the same time, I have managed to be with her for more than a decade and we have done many difficult things together as partners. So I'm certainly not as fickle as some may think. I think the issues that have had in our relationship, and some of the doubts I've had, are normal, and not extreme, so there is room to fix it.

 

However, if I really do feel that I cannot be the man that she deserves, I will feel like I have to let her go. Yet she has clearly stated this is not what she wants, she wants us to be together and to work things out.