Wife found out about affair

[Rainbowlove]

I also know that I won't ever feel totally fulfilled in our marriage no matter what we do, not because of how much effort she puts in, but because of who we are as people. It made me incredibly sad.

 

Have you told your wife you feel this way?

 

Also, what have you put into your marriage???

 

An AFFAIR!!!!

 

You need more counseling.

[obtuseedge]

Have you told your wife you feel this way?

 

Also, what have you put into your marriage???

 

An AFFAIR!!!!

 

You need more counseling.

 

I meant all the years prior.

 

I'm coming to grips with the damage and pain the affair has caused. It's tearing me up inside. I'm usually someone who never cries, can go for years without crying, and this morning I've been crying continuously. I feel tremendous pain for what I did.

[Rainbowlove]

You haven't even started to work on your marriage and you are giving up.

 

Your thinking and sounding like someone who doesn't want to fight to save it.

 

Why?

[SleekArchitecture]

2-3 is completely unrealistic.

 

 

 

 

 

Here's how I see it:

 

In your mind, you still see both women as options. Even though you said goodbye to XAP, you know she's still out there hurting and would probably take you back.

 

Your wife hasn't kicked your arse to the curb, so you are still allowed to think of XAP as plan B someday.

 

If your wife actually packed your Shyt in a box and threw you out of her life, I have no doubt you'd be one sorry Mo Fo and XAP would become the devil who ruined your life.

 

 

I do not agree that this is universal. During my affair, there was a huge fall out, possible loss of not a job, but a career, he was kicked to the curb by the wife, the entire family and all friends knew, but once all was settled through tough work, he re appeared back into my life.

[Rainbowlove]

I meant all the years prior.

 

I'm coming to grips with the damage and pain the affair has caused. It's tearing me up inside. I'm usually someone who never cries, can go for years without crying, and this morning I've been crying continuously. I feel tremendous pain for what I did.

 

You should!!!

 

You have to feel the pain to move through it.

 

You don't get to just skip over it like it never happened. You have to face it.

 

Even if you can't save your marriage or won't, it will follow you!!!

 

You have to face it.

 

Do you understand that?

 

And facing it is the hardest thing you'll ever have to do. It's a daily battle.

 

You can't run from this one.

[obtuseedge]

You haven't even started to work on your marriage and you are giving up.

 

Your thinking and sounding like someone who doesn't want to fight to save it.

 

Why?

 

I'm not giving up.

 

I'm coming to the realization that there will always be a part of me that will never feel fulfilled in this marriage. Does that mean I give up? Not exactly. The question is if I can live with this, and if we can build up the other parts of the marriage so it'd be fulfilling.

[Rainbowlove]

2-3 is completely unrealistic.

 

 

 

 

 

Here's how I see it:

 

In your mind, you still see both women as options. Even though you said goodbye to XAP, you know she's still out there hurting and would probably take you back.

 

Your wife hasn't kicked your arse to the curb, so you are still allowed to think of XAP as plan B someday.

 

If your wife actually packed your Shyt in a box and threw you out of her life, I have no doubt you'd be one sorry Mo Fo and XAP would become the devil who ruined your life.

 

 

I do not agree that this is universal. During my affair, there was a huge fall out, possible loss of not a job, but a career, he was kicked to the curb by the wife, the entire family and all friends knew, but once all was settled through tough work, he re appeared back into my life.

 

For most people, who walk away from the AP, they do become the devil who nearly helped ruin their life.

 

Your man's wife kicked him out. Good on her.

 

If he chose you, why did she have to kick him out? He should have left her and returned to you. No?

 

Anyway, OP -

 

Get yourself into intense counseling.

[obtuseedge]

You should!!!

 

You have to feel the pain to move through it.

 

You don't get to just skip over it like it never happened. You have to face it.

 

Even if you can't save your marriage or won't, it will follow you!!!

 

You have to face it.

 

Do you understand that?

 

And facing it is the hardest thing you'll ever have to do. It's a daily battle.

 

You can't run from this one.

 

Which is exactly why I have not run out on impulse. I have had thoughts of simply packing up and leaving. But I haven't. I need to face this. Even if it means taking it one day at a time, living in a household filled with sadness and tension, and uncertainty. Having to face the pain I caused, going through my emotions, coming to realizations with many issues of my life that I've long ignored. I need to go through all of these processes. It's only been 11 days since D-Day and it's only been 4 days since NC with my xAP.

[obtuseedge]

 

For most people, who walk away from the AP, they do become the devil who nearly helped ruin their life.

 

Your man's wife kicked him out. Good on her.

 

If he chose you, why did she have to kick him out? He should have left her and returned to you. No?

 

Anyway, OP -

 

Get yourself into intense counseling.

 

1. I'm already in counseling. I have 2 meetings a week.

 

2. The AP is not to blame. I take full responsibility for everything. If anything, perhaps she came to my life for a reason, to break up the routine and force me to face these issues that have long been neglected. Whether it breaks up my marriage or my marriage ends up becoming stronger for it, she came into my life for a reason.

[Rainbowlove]

Which is exactly why I have not run out on impulse. I have had thoughts of simply packing up and leaving. But I haven't. I need to face this. Even if it means taking it one day at a time, living in a household filled with sadness and tension, and uncertainty. Having to face the pain I caused, going through my emotions, coming to realizations with many issues of my life that I've long ignored. I need to go through all of these processes. It's only been 11 days since D-Day and it's only been 4 days since NC with my xAP.

 

Exactly.

 

You have to give yourself and your wife time to move through this.

 

You are not removed enough from XAP to see anything.

 

Many WS leave the marriage bc it's too hard to face and work through.

 

Walking away seems the easier when we are staring at the wreckage of our lives that we created.

 

It's easier to run off with someone else and start over, but guess what...all those issues follow you into that relationship.

 

The healing road, with or without your wife, is awfully painful and lonley.

[SleekArchitecture]

 

For most people, who walk away from the AP, they do become the devil who nearly helped ruin their life.

 

Your man's wife kicked him out. Good on her.

 

If he chose you, why did she have to kick him out? He should have left her and returned to you. No?

 

Anyway, OP -

 

Get yourself into intense counseling.

 

 

I am the one who finally walked away from the AP. I know I can do much better and I hope that he will not fall yet into another affair and begin to really work on his marriage.

[MJJean]

Fact is. This morning I spent time alone and thought of my wife, all the things she's done for me and sacrificed for me through the years, and how I've repaid her in betraying her and I cried, a lot.

 

I also know that I won't ever feel totally fulfilled in our marriage no matter what we do, not because of how much effort she puts in, but because of who we are as people. It made me incredibly sad.

 

Why are you looking at your marriage to fulfill you?

 

The mindset seems to be that if one is not fulfilled in their personal life it must be because their marriage is faulty. The truth is that the marriage is very rarely the cause.

 

If you're looking for that new car smell infatuation hormone rush, you aren't likely to get it in your marriage. The only way to get that same feeling is by practicing serial monogamy or have an open relationship.

 

If you're looking to actually be fulfilled, try working on making yourself into a better man. Do some serious volunteer work. Develop new interests and hobbies. Give up vices one at a time or en masse, whatever you can handle.

 

If you love your wife and you're physically attracted to her, I'd say you are in all reality still "in love" with your wife. I mean, really, break romantic love down and the only thing that separates it from intense/close friendship is physical attraction. You're just not getting the "high" or "rush" anymore because it is an established relationship of long standing.

[obtuseedge]

Exactly.

 

You have to give yourself and your wife time to move through this.

 

You are not removed enough from XAP to see anything.

 

Many WS leave the marriage bc it's too hard to face and work through.

 

Walking away seems the easier when we are staring at the wreckage of our lives that we created.

 

It's easier to run off with someone else and start over, but guess what...all those issues follow you into that relationship.

 

The healing road, with or without your wife, is awfully painful and lonley.

 

I've accepted this. That's why I am stopping myself from reacting on impulse, or to escape to a fantasy world with my xAP. It'd last only a few weeks or a few months until the enormity of the damage I've caused sets in, though I don't think xAP realizes this (because she's actually very naive about relationships, and also because she escaped from a very abusive husband while my wife is a good person).

 

I have to face this and see this through. If in the end of these next few months, both my wife and I can feel that we can come out together, then our marriage will be more honest and stronger than ever. If in the end, we decide we should part ways, at least I can know we put in an honest effort to reconcile and did not act on impulse in the end.

[obtuseedge]

Why are you looking at your marriage to fulfill you?

 

The mindset seems to be that if one is not fulfilled in their personal life it must be because their marriage is faulty. The truth is that the marriage is very rarely the cause.

 

If you're looking for that new car smell infatuation hormone rush, you aren't likely to get it in your marriage. The only way to get that same feeling is by practicing serial monogamy or have an open relationship.

 

If you're looking to actually be fulfilled, try working on making yourself into a better man. Do some serious volunteer work. Develop new interests and hobbies. Give up vices one at a time or en masse, whatever you can handle.

 

If you love your wife and you're physically attracted to her, I'd say you are in all reality still "in love" with your wife. I mean, really, break romantic love down and the only thing that separates it from intense/close friendship is physical attraction. You're just not getting the "high" or "rush" anymore because it is an established relationship of long standing.

 

Thanks. These are all thoughts and issues I will have to consider.

 

The problem is, I've spent so many years focused on business and the direction of my career, and have neglected things that affect the condition of my soul and the quality of our marriage.

 

This affair was a wake up call. I will need to examine all of these issues and learn a lot about myself and life in the time to come.

[Rainbowlove]

OP,

 

You sound exactly as I did when I ended my affair.

 

I could be writing your posts.

 

I know we are different people with different marriages, but your words could very well be mine...so how different are we really?

 

I am almost 17 months removed from my XAP and working on reconciliation with my wife.

 

When I think back today of who was 17 months ago and the things I did, I can't even believe it was me.

 

17 months later and my biggest regret is not ending my affair sooner. I wish I could undo the whole thing, but I can't.

 

Think about that...

[obtuseedge]

OP,

 

You sound exactly as I did when I ended my affair.

 

I could be writing your posts.

 

I know we are different people with different marriages, but your words could very well be mine...so how different are we really?

 

I am almost 17 months removed from my XAP and working on reconciliation with my wife.

 

When I think back today of who was 17 months ago and the things I did, I can't even believe it was me.

 

17 months later and my biggest regret is not ending my affair sooner. I wish I could undo the whole thing, but I can't.

 

Think about that...

 

Thanks for sharing your experiences.

 

There are many things in life one doesn't understand until they've had to go through them themselves. I'm learning that now.

[Rainbowlove]

Thanks for sharing your experiences.

 

There are many things in life one doesn't understand until they've had to go through them themselves. I'm learning that now.

 

Absolutely.

 

Stay no contact.

 

For no one else but you.

 

Get your head on straight.

 

Stay in counseling.

 

Has your wife told her family?

 

Does your family know?

[obtuseedge]

Absolutely.

 

Stay no contact.

 

For no one else but you.

 

Get your head on straight.

 

Stay in counseling.

 

Has your wife told her family?

 

Does your family know?

 

Only my brother knows. He's told me to work on my marriage, go to counseling, same advice you're giving.

[Rainbowlove]

So your wife hasn't shared with her friends and family?

 

I ask bc this brings another element into reconciliation and healing.

 

If your bro is saying stay put, listen to him.

[obtuseedge]

So your wife hasn't shared with her friends and family?

 

I ask bc this brings another element into reconciliation and healing.

 

If your bro is saying stay put, listen to him.

 

No, my wife hasn't mentioned this to anybody yet.

 

Yes. My brother is advising me to work on my marriage.

[minimariah]

You seem awfully narrow minded and oddly defensive about this topic.

 

the irony.

 

People do not fall in love and fall out of love for no reason.

 

let me clarify this - when i said that you can fall OUT of love for no reason that meant that you can fall out of love without your partner doing anything wrong & different, without your relationship "suffering" any obvious & common problems. it happens & you can lose interest, chemistry, natural connection without your relationship really changing or having any real problems... so that means, you actually can fall out of love simply because it wasn't meant to be and because the person wasn't right for you. because your time with this person cane to an end. and no, it has nothing to do with people not being able to articulate the whys - sometimes those WHYs don't have answers.

 

i'm saying all of this because i've seen it and experienced it so if "defending" and claiming something i know to be a fact over and over again makes me "narrow minded" & "defensive" - i'll be that!

[MJJean]

Thanks. These are all thoughts and issues I will have to consider.

 

The problem is, I've spent so many years focused on business and the direction of my career, and have neglected things that affect the condition of my soul and the quality of our marriage.

 

This affair was a wake up call. I will need to examine all of these issues and learn a lot about myself and life in the time to come.

 

Having some sort of spiritual food is very important for people. Studies show that people who practice some form of faith are happier, healthier, and even more likely to recover from medical conditions and surgeries.

 

If you have a faith tradition you've been away from, go back. If you don't want to go back, find a new faith tradition and begin practicing.

 

If you're not inclined toward any faith tradition or would like to supplement your tradition, think about yoga, meditation, even martial arts. Other than the physical and spiritual benefits you would also reap mental and emotional benefits.

 

A couple years ago my husband realized that he had been neglecting spirituality. He decided to return to the faith of his youth. I am not from the same faith tradition, so i was a bit apprehensive. How would this change him? Would it cause problems in the marriage?

 

In the two years since he began practicing his faith again he has changed in nothing but positive ways and our marriage has been enriched. He is also less stressed and feels much better about himself.

 

My DH, a catholic who fell away for 20+ years, did a lot of serious sexual sinning in his past. The kind of stuff even very secular people think is generally not a good idea and has great potential to physically and emotionally damage the participants and any relationships they may be in.

 

He, being a mature man now, looked back at his 20-something self and had a hard time coping with his past behavior and the effects it still has on him to this day. Having a priest, being able to go to Confession and receive Absolution, helped him move past it and begin healing. Both having someone neutral and non-judgmental to talk to and the ritual of forgiveness helped him tremendously. He was able to let go of the guilt and sadness, accept the past, and look more to the future.

 

If whatever faith tradition you choose has a pastor or spiritual adviser to talk to or some kind of cleansing ritual I think that is something you should seriously consider taking advantage of as soon as you can.

[Rainbowlove]

No, my wife hasn't mentioned this to anybody yet.

 

Yes. My brother is advising me to work on my marriage.

 

If I missed it, I apologize.

 

I hope your wife is in counseling as well.

[Riri90]

OP,

 

I see alot of what you should and shouldn't be doing...my only piece of advice is to work towards a decision you can live with. There are no kids involved in this, so you need to decide what will work for YOU. What you want to do and what you see for your future. I see alot of agenda pushing on your thread (evident by almost 500 posts in one week ).

 

I agree with taking some time to yourself to reflect. I agree with NC with exAP but I also agree with separating from your wife. You need to be to yourself to gain that clarity and it won't come in 2-3 months...

[MJJean]

the irony.

 

 

 

let me clarify this - when i said that you can fall OUT of love for no reason that meant that you can fall out of love without your partner doing anything wrong & different, without your relationship "suffering" any obvious & common problems. it happens & you can lose interest, chemistry, natural connection without your relationship really changing or having any real problems... so that means, you actually can fall out of love simply because it wasn't meant to be and because the person wasn't right for you. because your time with this person cane to an end. and no, it has nothing to do with people not being able to articulate the whys - sometimes those WHYs don't have answers.

 

i'm saying all of this because i've seen it and experienced it so if "defending" and claiming something i know to be a fact over and over again makes me "narrow minded" & "defensive" - i'll be that!

 

None of the above has anything to do with actual, mature, grown up love.

 

If one "loses interest or natural attraction/connection" it's because of one or both parties have stopped making an effort to keep the relationship healthy. To restore interest and connection, both parties have to invest in their relationship by using open and honest communication to identify problems and then put in some work to correct said problems.

 

We are not animals. We are not slaves of our hormones and emotional whims. At least we shouldn't be. Love is a verb. It's a choice we make. What I see you describing sounds a lot more like infatuation than love. Love has ebbs and flows. It is a living thing much like a garden. If fed and nurtured it thrives. If starved and neglected, it withers.

 

And, really, there is no such thing as "meant to be". Again, we're not some mindless, helpless, children at the mercy of fate. We are rational, thinking, beings who determine our own fate by the choices we make.