Wife found out about affair

[fellini]

It's rather interesting that after 35 pages of discussion this WS continues to discuss how his marriage is the root of his problems.

 

OP when will you let go all of this secondary stuff about levels of happiness and lines of communication and address your issues about your own weaknesses, failure to hold boundaries, and more importantly your act of cowardice in choosing the option to cheat rather than face the music of the marriage you helped create.

 

 

 

Then I have news for you. If that is enough of an excuse, in your mind, to have betrayed her with another woman, then you will not feel fulfilled with any woman.

 

 

I have not read the whole thread, so forgive me, does your wife know you have cheated? If so, what are her thoughts on the marriage and where it goes from here?

[jan2012]

It's not a matter of whether she is "good enough". It's a matter of whether we can truly have a happy marriage.

 

 

obtuseedge, don't be surprised if your wife surprisingly changes her mind about wanting to reconcile with you. I wouldn't be surprised if she did an about face in 2 weeks, 2 months, or 5 moths from now.

 

You will be surprised how it can happen, as she is so devastated right now, but something will happen, a change will be in the air.

 

Your spouse will suddenly wake up one morning, and it will be the first morning its not the first thing she thinks about.

 

And then she will realize a couple of weeks later, that she has found herself, and she will start to go out with friends again, just to get away form it all, and about 8 weeks later she will see that she now has a different perspective on her life from this point on. Because she has learned a lot about herself.

 

And then at some point during this 2 month space of time, you might find yourself back on here desperately looking for help in trying to convince your wife to reconcile.

 

Is your wife a professional? I missed the description of her, does she work?

[obtuseedge]

obtuseedge, don't be surprised if your wife surprisingly changes her mind about wanting to reconcile with you. I wouldn't be surprised if she did an about face in 2 weeks, 2 months, or 5 moths from now.

 

You will be surprised how it can happen, as she is so devastated right now, but something will happen, a change will be in the air.

 

Your spouse will suddenly wake up one morning, and it will be the first morning its not the first thing she thinks about.

 

And then she will realize a couple of weeks later, that she has found herself, and she will start to go out with friends again, just to get away form it all, and about 8 weeks later she will see that she now has a different perspective on her life from this point on. Because she has learned a lot about herself.

 

And then at some point during this 2 month space of time, you might find yourself back on here desperately looking for help in trying to convince your wife to reconcile.

 

Is your wife a professional? I missed the description of her, does she work?

 

She manages a business which both of us jointly owned. I originally created it, but she has taken over administration of it. I also work separately in another line of work.

 

If we do go our separate ways, I plan to hand over our jointly owned business to her because I don't want her to have to work for someone else, which she really dislikes.

[obtuseedge]

I'm curious. Do you believe that your wife get all her needs met by you? If not, do you think it's OK for her to have them fulfilled by someone else?

 

I think she's probably been lonely for a long time too. She has a lot of friends, but I probably have neglected her.

[beach]

If your wife doesn't change - how do you expect you will be happy in this marriage for the next 30-50 years?

 

And how will you prevent cheating again if she's not mentally stimulating to you?

[Zenstudent]

I think she's probably been lonely for a long time too. She has a lot of friends, but I probably have neglected her.

So, do you think it would be reasonable or acceptable for her to have her needs met by a lover instead of you? Some hot guy who really pursues her agressively? How do you think that would make her feel?

[SleekArchitecture]

I forgot if you mentioned it already, but have you two ever planned to have children together?

[obtuseedge]

I forgot if you mentioned it already, but have you two ever planned to have children together?

 

Originally planned for the next two years or so. But it wasn't very important for her to have children.

[Ruffian1]

"I'm curious. Do you believe that your wife get all her needs met by you? If not, do you think it's OK for her to have them fulfilled by someone else?"

 

I asked him this day ago.

 

 

I never got an answer either.

 

 

So . . . I guess he would not care, he does not really lover her anyway.

[obtuseedge]

So, do you think it would be reasonable or acceptable for her to have her needs met by a lover instead of you? Some hot guy who really pursues her agressively? How do you think that would make her feel?

 

No, and obviously I'm being a hypocrite saying that. What I did was not right obviously.

[obtuseedge]

If your wife doesn't change - how do you expect you will be happy in this marriage for the next 30-50 years?

 

And how will you prevent cheating again if she's not mentally stimulating to you?

 

That's what we are both working on and me trying to figure out.

[SleekArchitecture]

Originally planned for the next two years or so. But it wasn't very important for her to have children.

 

Okay I did not know if you two were parent oriented. I know of extremely happy childless couples whose only child was a Pappillon or some thing or the other.

 

I thought I would ask because the conversation has been running circles and this may be a subject of importance. Children may or may not strengthen the bond. This is what I am curious about.

[obtuseedge]

Okay I did not know if you two were parent oriented. I know of extremely happy childless couples whose only child was a Pappillon or some thing or the other.

 

I thought I would ask because the conversation has been running circles and this may be a subject of importance. Children may or may not strengthen the bond. This is what I am curious about.

 

Ideally, I'd like to at least have one child, preferably a little girl.

 

She doesn't care to have children, she is more an animal person.

[SleekArchitecture]

Ideally, I'd like to at least have one child, preferably a little girl.

 

She doesn't care to have children, she is more an animal person.

 

I have noticed many differences and a great divide between you two and both of you have a stubborn streak and seem unable to compromise. I believe there is love but something is missing that is not conjoining you two as a team. The business does not seem to be the glue.

[obtuseedge]

I have noticed many differences and a great divide between you two and both of you have a stubborn streak and seem unable to compromise. I believe there is love but something is missing that is not conjoining you two as a team. The business does not seem to be the glue.

 

There's truth to that, and I think it's a big part of why there's been a disconnect and communication breaking down. There is love there, certainly, but our relationship has not been the most seamless.

[beach]

That's what we are both working on and me trying to figure out.

 

Once any decision is made - it's the norm to map out a plan of action to obtain that goal - so you know where you're going and how you intend to get there.

 

If you don't get a solid plan together right away - don't expect anything of value.

[obtuseedge]

Once any decision is made - it's the norm to map out a plan of action to obtain that goal - so you know where you're going and how you intend to get there.

 

If you don't get a solid plan together right away - don't expect anything of value.

 

I agree.

 

Thinking about things tonight, I feel that thoughts of my xAP continues to have a huge impact on how I feel about my marriage. I wonder how long this will be? It's only been a few days since NC.

 

I am not trusting my impulses because I feel that my experiences with her are affecting my emotions too much, and I want to honestly make a decision on my marriage without that influence.

[beach]

I agree.

 

Thinking about things tonight, I feel that thoughts of my xAP continues to have a huge impact on how I feel about my marriage. I wonder how long this will be? It's only been a few days since NC.

 

I am not trusting my impulses because I feel that my experiences with her are affecting my emotions too much, and I want to honestly make a decision on my marriage without that influence.

 

I see this as the problem = I thought you ALREADY made that decision!

 

It looks like you're still sitting on the fence.

 

Has your affair been exposed to family and friends? Get honest about what you've done to your wife and your marriage. Take the consequences. Expose to the OW's husband too. That way you're less likely to go backwards.

 

You expect happiness from your W and M - it's really you that's unhappy and I don't think that's fair to your wife.

 

Think about it - how would you like it if your W was constantly unhappy and dissatisfied? How about IF she thought that was your fault when it was actually her fault for being unhappy.

 

How about if she had an affair on you on top of all that crap?

 

That would suck. And I don't think your wife deserves to be treated this way just to stay married.

 

Either get busy fixing YOURSELF or leave your wife to herself so she doesn't have your unhappy self dragging her down.

[fellini]

That's what we are both working on and me trying to figure out.

 

Well the problem to figure out is in the wrong place.

 

Here is the simple problem:

 

I cheated (a) on my wife(b) because she did not/ could not / would not / stopped© meeting my needs.(d)

 

Fair enough. 35 pages talking about d) "meeting my needs" c) her capacity to meet foggy needs and b) my wife because she (of this you have excelled - blaming her for your looking elsewhere).

 

But the thing is OP, the only part that really really matters is the FIRST PART of the phrase, the part you don't seem to want to deal with: I CHEATED.

 

A=BCD is the WS's mantra. It is how WS's like yourself avoid owning the tiny decisions you made on a daily basis, none of which could be explained by either BCD in order to justify a full blown, sexual and emotional affair.

 

A=A is the BS's mantra

 

You many of us BS's believe, and with very good reason that A=BCD is pure fiction. A=BCD is what BS's come up with AFTER they are caught out.

 

Only you REALLY DEEP DOWN know how and why you stepped out.

It's true that BCD "exists", but rarely, very rarely do WS's actually go "looking" to have "their unmet needs" met.

 

In the end, treating the secondary issues will have disastrous results. If you do not focus on the I cheated (even let go of the part you excel at "on my wife" whereby you get to show remorse, your day of tears, etc. etc. you fail to understand that you are NOT treating the issue at all.

 

What is usually the case is: An opportunity presents itself and you take it.

Later, you tell yourself I did it because of BCD.

 

The fact is, that even if it were true that a marriage was lacklustre, it is more likely that you were actually quite FINE with this. It's not like you were going out every Friday after work with the guys and having a few and confessing "my wife doesn't understand me intellectually", "my wife is a cold fish", "my marriage is boring". No, most of us, tired of having to work so hard in our marriages, simply enjoy the lovely, safe, happy mediocrity of our lives because, well, marriage isn't everything it was cracked up to be. And to do so would me I cannot immerse myself in my paid work and truth be told, I get more perks there than at home. Marriage becomes, as many have put it: merely living permanently with a roommate - because deep down it is actually what we settled for after the honeymoon period of our marriage.

 

UNTIL along came a spider and sat down beside her. And wow! This lady is HOT, she has sparks, she makes me feel good, and off we go to la la land constantly comparing our spouse at home who has dutifully been kind enough to settle for a mediocre life with soon to be WH and putting her own vision of a great marriage on hold too. Only she doesn't know hubby has found his secret hobby to keep alive the mystery in life.

 

So go ahead and work on the magic in the marriage.

But you have tasted different. And it won't be long before you find another weakness in your world to blame your choices (lost a huge project and was feeling sorry for myself, my wife met my needs but cannot sustain it, she has lost interest in the bed, I'm feeling sorry for myself, a colleague just lost her husband and she used my shoulder to lean on and one thing led to another, we were on a business trip and had one too many and...

 

There are 1000s of "reasons" to step outside a marriage if you think that is what causes infidelity. But if you are like most responsible persons, you will understand that there is only the "I" and the "BETRAYED" period.

 

Until you can see that cheating is never an option, under any circumstances, and deal with how you allowed yourself to get as far as you did, nothing good you do in your marriage is going to solve the real issues you have.

[LifesontheUp]

I don't see much about your wife in your posts. You want to be careful because if she starts to feel that you are not 10000% committed to working your marriages out she may very well dump you.

 

Personally I see you as extremely selfish and entitled and immature. You need to work on that. Your comments about not being able to help yourself as your AP is model beautiful shows those traits. Some people can't change who they are.

 

I hope your wife dumps you because nothing in all the posts you have made in this long thread show that you love her. You are scared and upset at what turmoil you have brought to your life but very telling the lack of remorse to your wife is missing.

[SleekArchitecture]

I see this as the problem = I thought you ALREADY made that decision!

 

It looks like you're still sitting on the fence.

 

Has your affair been exposed to family and friends? Get honest about what you've done to your wife and your marriage. Take the consequences. Expose to the OW's husband too. That way you're less likely to go backwards.

 

I do not agree with this. There is something wrong with blowing up another situation because he cannot stop thinking about the AP. She is separated and going through a divorce with an abusive man. I hate the word bunny boiler because it is solely attached to woman and never men. But it would apply to the situation if he goes down this road.

 

Because he cannot have the affair partner and cannot stop thinking of her, he is going to destroy her and get revenge, so there is never a choice of going back, and this may make him forget her.

 

 

There is something wrong with this picture. This should not have to be an option if he loves his wife.

[Bartlett65]

BW here. Considering that your wife has refused to participate in MC, it seems to me that she believes all of the problems in the marriage stem from you, and thus can be fixed by you. Guess what? There are two people in a marriage. Neither one does all of the damage or all of the fixing. You were doomed from the start by her pigheadedness. Sure, she didn't cheat, but she was still half of the equation, and since she doesn't want to find out what that means, you may as well move on.

[81West]

OP, you've said you love your wife. Separate from that, what is your gut response to these questions: Do you think you married the right person? Did she?

[afoolto no end]

it takes about 6 weeks to really feel differently about a fantasy life, when you think of your OW call your wife connect with her, find out how she feels, look after her……

You have to replace the needs your OW was meeting with your wife, let her ..

You do know the percentages of affairs working don't you, right now you don't have to be accountable to anyone because your still in that secret life you built, I think it's time to tell everyone around you what you did and that you want to right your wrongs..ask for forgiveness……..

Otherwise you won't have to change anything about you or your marriage you can just hide in your world……….

It's not fair to your wife, if your not serious or only thinking of your OW then let her go let her find someone who is honest…….

Have you ever thought about the way you seem to be emotionally distant from your wife that this is why she has to protect herself emotionally from YOU!!!

She can probably feel it sense it ……..You probably seem cold and unemotional to her, she probably thinks you never really cared about what she really wanted it was probably always about what you needed and wanted…….

I am sure the last 6 months was even worse for her…..I am sure she knew something was different I am going to guess you were even more self com used….You already made yourself look like a stupid man by having your affair the nail in your coffin would be if you picked that mistake again……

 

I also agree with telling the OW's husband I am sure he feels it too, probably blames himself when really his wife was checked out because of you filling her needs instead, you owe him that truth so he doesn't blame himself his whole life, I will tell you this a lot of affair partners use that my spouse abuses me line, she was the one that was abusing him…….

Because you two felt entitled you ruined two marriages, you should be ashamed

[obtuseedge]

Well the problem to figure out is in the wrong place.

 

Here is the simple problem:

 

I cheated (a) on my wife(b) because she did not/ could not / would not / stopped© meeting my needs.(d)

 

Fair enough. 35 pages talking about d) "meeting my needs" c) her capacity to meet foggy needs and b) my wife because she (of this you have excelled - blaming her for your looking elsewhere).

 

But the thing is OP, the only part that really really matters is the FIRST PART of the phrase, the part you don't seem to want to deal with: I CHEATED.

 

A=BCD is the WS's mantra. It is how WS's like yourself avoid owning the tiny decisions you made on a daily basis, none of which could be explained by either BCD in order to justify a full blown, sexual and emotional affair.

 

A=A is the BS's mantra

 

You many of us BS's believe, and with very good reason that A=BCD is pure fiction. A=BCD is what BS's come up with AFTER they are caught out.

 

Only you REALLY DEEP DOWN know how and why you stepped out.

It's true that BCD "exists", but rarely, very rarely do WS's actually go "looking" to have "their unmet needs" met.

 

In the end, treating the secondary issues will have disastrous results. If you do not focus on the I cheated (even let go of the part you excel at "on my wife" whereby you get to show remorse, your day of tears, etc. etc. you fail to understand that you are NOT treating the issue at all.

 

What is usually the case is: An opportunity presents itself and you take it.

Later, you tell yourself I did it because of BCD.

 

The fact is, that even if it were true that a marriage was lacklustre, it is more likely that you were actually quite FINE with this. It's not like you were going out every Friday after work with the guys and having a few and confessing "my wife doesn't understand me intellectually", "my wife is a cold fish", "my marriage is boring". No, most of us, tired of having to work so hard in our marriages, simply enjoy the lovely, safe, happy mediocrity of our lives because, well, marriage isn't everything it was cracked up to be. And to do so would me I cannot immerse myself in my paid work and truth be told, I get more perks there than at home. Marriage becomes, as many have put it: merely living permanently with a roommate - because deep down it is actually what we settled for after the honeymoon period of our marriage.

 

UNTIL along came a spider and sat down beside her. And wow! This lady is HOT, she has sparks, she makes me feel good, and off we go to la la land constantly comparing our spouse at home who has dutifully been kind enough to settle for a mediocre life with soon to be WH and putting her own vision of a great marriage on hold too. Only she doesn't know hubby has found his secret hobby to keep alive the mystery in life.

 

So go ahead and work on the magic in the marriage.

But you have tasted different. And it won't be long before you find another weakness in your world to blame your choices (lost a huge project and was feeling sorry for myself, my wife met my needs but cannot sustain it, she has lost interest in the bed, I'm feeling sorry for myself, a colleague just lost her husband and she used my shoulder to lean on and one thing led to another, we were on a business trip and had one too many and...

 

There are 1000s of "reasons" to step outside a marriage if you think that is what causes infidelity. But if you are like most responsible persons, you will understand that there is only the "I" and the "BETRAYED" period.

 

Until you can see that cheating is never an option, under any circumstances, and deal with how you allowed yourself to get as far as you did, nothing good you do in your marriage is going to solve the real issues you have.

 

This was hard to read. But you are right. There was no excuse to me cheating.

 

Last night, my wife and I had another long talk. She told me she never felt appreciated for many things she's done and never acknowledged. She told me that she feels that if we break up, she'd end up being bitter and angry and may become a broken woman.

 

Last night, I acknowledged her feelings. But I told her that I had no right to criticize her for anything during the relationship, because it was I who cheated, it was I who ruined everything. We went to bed and she was still very distraught.

 

In the morning I woke her up and told her things I've held inside for a long time. That not only do I appreciate everything she's done to manage our business and to hold down our household, but that because she has been so self assured since she was at a young age, and knew what she wanted, it's also greatly shaped my own personality and gave me a lot of the confidence and business smarts that I have today. I've kept this inside for a long long time, and I've acknowledged it to myself many times, but have never told her. I don't know why, perhaps it is foolish pride, perhaps it's because of my overarching need to be seen as self-reliant, but she has tremendously influenced who I am today and I told her I was grateful for that.

 

On top of that, I told her the reason why I am considering separation as an option is because there is a part of me that wants to be adventurous and free, and I can't be that within the confines of a marriage. She knew there was this side of me when we first met, and she told me then that you can't be two things in life, you can't have that carefree and adventurous life, while also having a stable life building something. I chose the latter, because I was building businesses with her, but since the last few years, the other side of me has been yearning to free itself and that's why I've been in so much conflict. It has caused me a great deal of emotional torment, because I honestly love my wife, but it prevents me from being truly free.