Wife found out about affair

[obtuseedge]

This puzzles me. I assume there's back story here, but if a person isn't personally satisfied with a relationship, that means there are actual problems with the relationship itself... to me, anyway.

 

Her attitude here comes across like, "This isn't working but it's all your fault, Obtuse. And only your fault. It's your issue. In your head. The relationship is fine. It's you that's the problem."

 

A part of me sees it like that. A part of me also sees it as her realizing she just couldn't give me what I needed.

[sandylee1]

A part of me sees it like that. A part of me also sees it as her realizing she just couldn't give me what I needed.

 

I wonder if once she started going out with friends and meeting other people, she decided she'll be okay not married and she could be truly happy.

 

Also, as you don't have kids, it would be an easier decision end the marriage.

 

I hope you find happiness. Are you thinking about reconnecting with your AP?

[obtuseedge]

I wonder if once she started going out with friends and meeting other people, she decided she'll be okay not married and she could be truly happy.

 

Also, as you don't have kids, it would be an easier decision end the marriage.

 

I hope you find happiness. Are you thinking about reconnecting with your AP?

 

Honestly, yes I do think that since she's been going out a lot, she's built up a large network of friends, and many of them are strongly pushing her to not reconcile with me. But if she feels safe and secure, I'm fine by it.

 

I don't plan on contacting my AP immediately, but perhaps down the road. I need to heal first.

[fellini]

A part of me sees it like that. A part of me also sees it as her realizing she just couldn't give me what I needed.

 

WOW!!!!

 

Im sorry for your pain obtuseedge, but I cannot believe that you haven't learned a SINGLE THING about where the issue in your marriage genuinely lies.

 

That is the most narcissistic response I have read in LS since many many months.

[elaine567]

I'm sad to announce here, that my wife and I just agreed to a divorce.

 

It's been so painful between us. And a large part of it is realizing that we just weren't compatible in many ways, and that was the primary cause of our disconnect, and me feeling unfulfilled and turning to the affair.

 

I am glad I cut off my AP for the last few months while I figured this out.

 

The divorce was primarily her choice, but I agreed to it. For many reasons, a major part of it is knowing we weren't the best fit for one another, and also, that I know someone else could give her the love she deserves.

 

Going through a mix of so many emotions right now, confusion, sadness, guilt, feeling numb, relief, regret, and most of all, just disillusionment.

 

I guess it just wasn't meant to be.

 

I am glad, sticking with your "roommate" wife, was never going to work out anyway.

It is just a pity you didn't see that, before you went and hurt your OW and your wife. Both women will now find it difficult to trust men again.

[cocorico]

I'm sad to announce here, that my wife and I just agreed to a divorce.

 

It's been so painful between us. And a large part of it is realizing that we just weren't compatible in many ways, and that was the primary cause of our disconnect, and me feeling unfulfilled and turning to the affair.

 

I am glad I cut off my AP for the last few months while I figured this out.

 

The divorce was primarily her choice, but I agreed to it. For many reasons, a major part of it is knowing we weren't the best fit for one another, and also, that I know someone else could give her the love she deserves.

 

Going through a mix of so many emotions right now, confusion, sadness, guilt, feeling numb, relief, regret, and most of all, just disillusionment.

 

I guess it just wasn't meant to be.

 

Obtuse, your heart was never fully in the reconciliation attempt - from the start. Nor was your wife's. Given that, it certainly wasn't "meant to be" because neither of you cared enough to make it work.

 

Perhaps you're correct in that she can't "give you what you need", whatever that is. Perhaps she simply no longer wants to try. Either way, reading your posts on here, it doesn't seem as though any other outcome was ever going to be sustainable. Your heart wasn't in it, and from what you describe, you don't think hers was, either. You cannot reconcile a marriage with such impoverished resources.

 

I'm sorry you're feeling upset, but the writing really was on the wall with this one, and it's for the best that you pulled the plug on it fairly quickly so you can all move on to better futures.

[minimariah]

This puzzles me. I assume there's back story here, but if a person isn't personally satisfied with a relationship, that means there are actual problems with the relationship itself... to me, anyway.

 

Her attitude here comes across like, "This isn't working but it's all your fault, Obtuse. And only your fault. It's your issue. In your head. The relationship is fine. It's you that's the problem."

 

not necessarily... sometimes the only problems in the relationship can be caused by the fact that one side doesn't want to be in a relationship and i think that's what had happened here - the OP wanted to leave but at the same time, he didn't want to be the one who'll make the move. this way, he can leave with knowing he "tried" everything to make it work.

 

i agree with cocorico - you could tell through the entire thread that his heart was never in it. issues were never addressed before the A - and when the A happened, i assume it was hard and a little too late to start working on everything now. just like the OP said - they aren't a good fit but for some reason, he only realized that after years of marriage and companionship.

Edited May 14, 2015 by minimariah

[fellini]

Another interpretation is he got caught in an affair: an affair in which he reveled in his own feelings of enormous self worth saving his AP from an abusive husband. (Probably saving himself from getting a beating from an abusive husband at the same time...)

 

Essentially he is saying, "I did the right thing, went back to my BS, "went NC" with the AP (hoovering though) and now he can walk away from his marriage because his wife wants to. Head held high. And lo and behold.... "I don't plan on contacting my AP immediately, but perhaps down the road..."

 

Here I was thinking down the road the idea was to climb Mount Kilamanjari and save the children of Nepal.

 

I put money on that being a very short road.

[Popsicle]

It ain't over till the divorce papers are signed. Maybe the process of D and moving out will bring them back together. Like a real wake up call.

[truncated]

A marriage ending isn't something to be happy about, but in this case, it sounds like it's for the best.

[obtuseedge]

WOW!!!!

 

Im sorry for your pain obtuseedge, but I cannot believe that you haven't learned a SINGLE THING about where the issue in your marriage genuinely lies.

 

That is the most narcissistic response I have read in LS since many many months.

 

Just stuff it. You have the biggest chip on your shoulder out of anybody here.

 

I said it in the context of my wife realizing that we were inherently incompatible in certain ways, and why she chose not to want to do marital counseling. She also had needs I couldn't give her as well.

[obtuseedge]

Another interpretation is he got caught in an affair: an affair in which he reveled in his own feelings of enormous self worth saving his AP from an abusive husband. (Probably saving himself from getting a beating from an abusive husband at the same time...)

 

Essentially he is saying, "I did the right thing, went back to my BS, "went NC" with the AP (hoovering though) and now he can walk away from his marriage because his wife wants to. Head held high. And lo and behold.... "I don't plan on contacting my AP immediately, but perhaps down the road..."

 

Here I was thinking down the road the idea was to climb Mount Kilamanjari and save the children of Nepal.

 

I put money on that being a very short road.

 

I regret having the affair. I regret hurting my wife the way I did.

 

Yes, the past two months, I've been going through a roller coaster of emotions, I'm not going to lie about that. Towards the end, I did want to work it out, but my wife started to turn to her world of friends and family and it solidified her decision to want out.

 

We had issues in our relationship that were deeply rooted before this affair. No, we never had a miserable marriage, but there were compatibility issues that were never resolved. Of course, if I didn't have the affair, perhaps, we could've patched up some of those issues and moved on to a better relationship (this is my biggest regret from the aftermath of the affair), but within the poisonous context of my betrayal, that just made it nearly impossible.

[obtuseedge]

not necessarily... sometimes the only problems in the relationship can be caused by the fact that one side doesn't want to be in a relationship and i think that's what had happened here - the OP wanted to leave but at the same time, he didn't want to be the one who'll make the move. this way, he can leave with knowing he "tried" everything to make it work.

 

i agree with cocorico - you could tell through the entire thread that his heart was never in it. issues were never addressed before the A - and when the A happened, i assume it was hard and a little too late to start working on everything now. just like the OP said - they aren't a good fit but for some reason, he only realized that after years of marriage and companionship.

 

A lot of our compatibility issues in the beginning were brushed under the rug in the beginning because we were happy to have found each other, and were embarking on some exciting things in life (like creating a business together, travelling).

 

Over the years, we also changed in significant ways, and that also added to us drifting apart.

 

Of course, in hindsight, I could've handled a lot of things better, but perhaps I lacked the emotional maturity to do it. Yes, I was torn about wanting to be in this marriage for the last few years, but I shouldn't have done things the way I did, that's what I regret most.

[obtuseedge]

Obtuse, your heart was never fully in the reconciliation attempt - from the start. Nor was your wife's. Given that, it certainly wasn't "meant to be" because neither of you cared enough to make it work.

 

Perhaps you're correct in that she can't "give you what you need", whatever that is. Perhaps she simply no longer wants to try. Either way, reading your posts on here, it doesn't seem as though any other outcome was ever going to be sustainable. Your heart wasn't in it, and from what you describe, you don't think hers was, either. You cannot reconcile a marriage with such impoverished resources.

 

I'm sorry you're feeling upset, but the writing really was on the wall with this one, and it's for the best that you pulled the plug on it fairly quickly so you can all move on to better futures.

 

Given the pain and the hurt of the world my wife and I are in, I agree.

[whichwayisup]

I'm sad to announce here, that my wife and I just agreed to a divorce.

 

It's been so painful between us. And a large part of it is realizing that we just weren't compatible in many ways, and that was the primary cause of our disconnect, and me feeling unfulfilled and turning to the affair.

 

I am glad I cut off my AP for the last few months while I figured this out.

 

The divorce was primarily her choice, but I agreed to it. For many reasons, a major part of it is knowing we weren't the best fit for one another, and also, that I know someone else could give her the love she deserves.

 

Going through a mix of so many emotions right now, confusion, sadness, guilt, feeling numb, relief, regret, and most of all, just disillusionment.

 

I guess it just wasn't meant to be.

 

 

This is for the best. You had so many issues going on before the A, those issues are still there and it seems like your wife is just...Done. Maybe she was done a long time ago and your A is now the push to do what should have happened years ago. You admitted you never really were "in love" with your wife.

 

Be on your own, don't go back to your MW/OW.

[ladydesigner]

(((obtuseedge))) I am very sorry for your latest update. Sometimes the damage is just too much. I wish you the best in your healing on your path going forward!

[obtuseedge]

This is for the best. You had so many issues going on before the A, those issues are still there and it seems like your wife is just...Done. Maybe she was done a long time ago and your A is now the push to do what should have happened years ago. You admitted you never really were "in love" with your wife.

 

Be on your own, don't go back to your MW/OW.

 

My wife and I were very much in love in the first few years of our relationship. It was passionate and exciting, and perhaps that made us overlook some deep seated compatibility issues that constantly crept up again through our relationship through the years and caused issues.

 

Yes, she is done. I don't plan to contact my AP any time soon. Honestly, I just want quiet time, perhaps even take a road trip by myself somewhere.

[afoolto no end]

very sad news, I would give yourself a lot of time to regroup, I think you might find yourself in a new life you never wanted……..sad really…..leave the OW alone, you can't fix not choosing her over your wife, it will be a constant battle for the two of you…..she will always feel 2nd best……or a consolation prize…….Affairs do not work …. the odds of it working with people who can't trust each other …almost zero……

start fresh, really find out who you are, it will take some time to get over losing a good woman…………

 

good luck…...

[Rainbowlove]

Tuse,

 

Keep moving forward and take each day as they come.

 

Find you again.

 

You've been lost for a bit. You'll be no good for anyone until you are happy and whole and reconnected to who you truly are.

 

I'm sorry for the messiness and heartache you've had to face and those yet to come. You'll get through it. Take the lessons learned and be a better man.

 

Best to you,

 

RL

[truncated]

Tuse,

 

Keep moving forward and take each day as they come.

 

Find you again.

 

You've been lost for a bit. You'll be no good for anyone until you are happy and whole and reconnected to who you truly are.

 

I'm sorry for the messiness and heartache you've had to face and those yet to come. You'll get through it. Take the lessons learned and be a better man.

 

Best to you,

 

RL

 

 

Perhaps that is the bets way to say "I'm sorry" to your wife. let her see that her pain and heartache were not all for nothing, that you have used what you have learned form the experience to be a better you.

[obtuseedge]

Tuse,

 

Keep moving forward and take each day as they come.

 

Find you again.

 

You've been lost for a bit. You'll be no good for anyone until you are happy and whole and reconnected to who you truly are.

 

I'm sorry for the messiness and heartache you've had to face and those yet to come. You'll get through it. Take the lessons learned and be a better man.

 

Best to you,

 

RL

 

Today I've had to fight urges to go to my wife in tears and asking for us to try again.

 

Instead I wandered around the city, and drove often. At times I cried so hard that there wasn't even a sound. I would be lying if I said this doesn't hurt, I feel so much pain. Last night, I felt sadness but also some relief that we had come to some kind of resolution. Today I moved my stuff out of our home while she was gone, and it's really hit me that she's going to be out of my life.

 

I wrote her a letter and left it on the table. I told her I wish I could take back all the pain I've caused her, and all the years even if it meant taking off years from my own life. I told her that I deeply loved her, but I have issues within myself that's prevented me from truly appreciating her and it's caused her so much pain, and that I don't deserve a love like hers. I wished her the best and hoped that she'll find a man who could fill her heart with joy instead of heartbreak.

 

I feel so much pain. I have this strong urge to run to her and tell her that I won't give up on us, and that I'll be a new man. Yet, I feel like that'd be selfish because I have issues I haven't resolved and I am so afraid of causing her more grief and pain down the road, I feel like I should just set her free and deal with resolving my issues.

 

Life is so dark right now.

[RoseVille]

I think you're afraid of being alone. Like, being alone with yourself, your own thoughts. To really allow yourself to feel.

[obtuseedge]

I think you're afraid of being alone. Like, being alone with yourself, your own thoughts. To really allow yourself to feel.

 

Actually, I'm very much a loner personality, I have been that way as a kid so I actually enjoy being alone, and I ruminate often with my thoughts.

 

The pain is really facing the reality that I will be losing my wife. Someone I've shared countless dreams and struggles with, someone who I grew up with, someone who has had my back through thick and thin, and realizing that she is gone because I took her for granted and instead of being the one person who was supposed to protect her and shield her from all the evil in the world, I was the one person who has destroyed her soul with the utmost carelessness.

 

Along with the deep pain and anguish I feel, is a deep sense of self-disgust and failure, and a deep sense of disappointment in myself.

[fellini]

I'm not going to sugar coat this.

 

Your response to this decision by your wife is the typical response of a high functioning successful narcissist who has, through his own behaviours, lost his primary narcissistic supply.

 

Right now you want her back, but you have your replacement, just in case, on the side burner.

 

Believe me when I tell you that in all probability if she took you back NOW that in a very short time, you would be right back in the same impossible place you were the day before she let go of you.

 

Nothing you have said during this entire thread is inconsistent with these observations.

[Babs22]

Today I've had to fight urges to go to my wife in tears and asking for us to try again.

 

Instead I wandered around the city, and drove often. At times I cried so hard that there wasn't even a sound. I would be lying if I said this doesn't hurt, I feel so much pain. Last night, I felt sadness but also some relief that we had come to some kind of resolution. Today I moved my stuff out of our home while she was gone, and it's really hit me that she's going to be out of my life.

 

I wrote her a letter and left it on the table. I told her I wish I could take back all the pain I've caused her, and all the years even if it meant taking off years from my own life. I told her that I deeply loved her, but I have issues within myself that's prevented me from truly appreciating her and it's caused her so much pain, and that I don't deserve a love like hers. I wished her the best and hoped that she'll find a man who could fill her heart with joy instead of heartbreak.

 

I feel so much pain. I have this strong urge to run to her and tell her that I won't give up on us, and that I'll be a new man. Yet, I feel like that'd be selfish because I have issues I haven't resolved and I am so afraid of causing her more grief and pain down the road, I feel like I should just set her free and deal with resolving my issues.

 

Life is so dark right now.

 

Obtuse, I am a bit worried about you right now. Your words concern me. I can understand why you are very sad right now, but things will get better. I like the letter you left for your wife, you obviously did care for and love her. I hope you are in counseling because it sounds like you are in a very dark place. You may need some antidepressant medication to help you get through. There is no shame in that, but in the very least I hope you are in counseling.