Wife found out about affair

[Lurkeraspect]

No, I didn't mention to my wife.

 

But I plan to keep it business now. In the past, I was infatuated because I thought she'd be an ideal mate. Now I know better, my wife's already the ideal mate.

 

This sums it all up for me.

 

I doubt you've had some epinany about your wife, she hasn't made some earth shattering changes since DDay, rather you've had the epinany of all you could lose because of your ridiculous choices.

 

Your affair isn't over. You're gonna ride this thing as long as you can. You my friend, are in denial, and enjoying all the attention. Oh boy! Two women fighting for your attention.

 

Meh...you're just another run of the mill, cowardly MM.

 

Since you're incabable of making a decision, hopefully your wife will see you for the person you truly are and make those decisions for you. My hopes (and positive thoughts) are with her.

Edited March 10, 2015 by Lurkeraspect

[privategal]

Its fine you chose your wife but don't demonize and put down the woman you expressed LOVE to and blame her for loving you too.

Its wonderful your eyes were opened that you love your wife now but your AP is going to still love you and hurt and have trouble letting go.

SO ironic when SHE ended it you were distraught but you're now kicking her like trash?

I just feel like its SO unfair.

Its admirable you had an ephiphany but your AP did not. So fine, let her go...but at least understand her behavior is rooted in pain and lost dreams.

If she was a monster you were too.

Let her down with dignity. Your being cold and its not deserved. She didn't know your wife. She knew the hope and fantasy and dream YOU helped create with her and FOR her.

How cruel to pretend she was some savage seductress ONLY cause you were caught.

Its gross how quickly you turned on her...very sad its like you feel you did NOTHING to truly help either woman. Your the catalyst...YOU were married...now YOU run back to safety...throw AP under the bus and judge HER and cower in safety under your wifes wing...your comfort...this is about YOU and your self preservation

[whichwayisup]

Well, the OW did show some not nice behaviour and admitted that she manipulated him on purpose (showing up at his house, threatening to harm herself and then admitted it was done intentionally). She is not a little innocent victim at all, she knew exactly what she was getting into seeing as she is/was married as well when the A started. Yes, she separated from her husband (yet we don't know much detail on that, if they are divorced, if he still lives with her) at some point so really she shouldn't be thought as a 'single' OW. Oh and she was the one who ended the affair (see his previous thread).

[beach]

Your W deserves to fully understand that you're still willing to feed your ego further by secretly texting more and meeting with your OW. I'm guessing you won't be capable of settling for only one woman's attention for too long - and if bet money your OW knows it too.

 

Does your wife know you work with the OW? IF you planned to really save your M you'd quit the job now - forfeiting money. Yes, that's ONE consequence that you knew could happen when you decided to cheat... And saving the M really can't happen if you see the OW all the time knowing full well she's going to pull out all the stops.

 

This is when I wish the betrayed spouse wasn't "so understanding" - so much as to not impose some harsh and painful consequences for the cheating spouse.

 

 

It's dispicable that you'd meet her - and even that you told her wait a few weeks - and then told her it's ending only because you realize she's becoming a bunny boiler type.

 

 

I think you need to get brutally honest with your wife because this OW isn't likely to go silent anytime soon.

[obtuseedge]

Its fine you chose your wife but don't demonize and put down the woman you expressed LOVE to and blame her for loving you too.

Its wonderful your eyes were opened that you love your wife now but your AP is going to still love you and hurt and have trouble letting go.

SO ironic when SHE ended it you were distraught but you're now kicking her like trash?

I just feel like its SO unfair.

Its admirable you had an ephiphany but your AP did not. So fine, let her go...but at least understand her behavior is rooted in pain and lost dreams.

If she was a monster you were too.

Let her down with dignity. Your being cold and its not deserved. She didn't know your wife. She knew the hope and fantasy and dream YOU helped create with her and FOR her.

How cruel to pretend she was some savage seductress ONLY cause you were caught.

Its gross how quickly you turned on her...very sad its like you feel you did NOTHING to truly help either woman. Your the catalyst...YOU were married...now YOU run back to safety...throw AP under the bus and judge HER and cower in safety under your wifes wing...your comfort...this is about YOU and your self preservation

 

Im not throwing her under the bus. I was expressing some irritation with some of her tactics these past few days when I'm operating under intense stress and chaos.

[obtuseedge]

Your W deserves to fully understand that you're still willing to feed your ego further by secretly texting more and meeting with your OW. I'm guessing you won't be capable of settling for only one woman's attention for too long - and if bet money your OW knows it too.

 

Does your wife know you work with the OW? IF you planned to really save your M you'd quit the job now - forfeiting money. Yes, that's ONE consequence that you knew could happen when you decided to cheat... And saving the M really can't happen if you see the OW all the time knowing full well she's going to pull out all the stops.

 

This is when I wish the betrayed spouse wasn't "so understanding" - so much as to not impose some harsh and painful consequences for the cheating spouse.

 

 

It's dispicable that you'd meet her - and even that you told her wait a few weeks - and then told her it's ending only because you realize she's becoming a bunny boiler type.

 

 

I think you need to get brutally honest with your wife because this OW isn't likely to go silent anytime soon.

 

I am going through hell right now. And it is the OW that is CONSTANTLY trying to contact me. I am not trying to satisfy my ego.

 

This forum is full of bitter individuals. The fact is, I got into this difficult situation because 1. it is EXTREMELY difficult to resist a gorgeous model looking woman who thinks you are a living GOD (and those are her words) 2. Yes, I lack self control, though not more than the average man. 3. Yes, my marriage was boring and I didn't feel fulfilled, though my wife is a very good person, but NO, I have not feel fulfilled.

 

So all of those conditions including not being able to leave my AP from the get go due to the work situation is what led to the affair. I'm a human being. I make mistakes. And she was EQUALLY involved, and EQUALLY pursued the affair. She was MARRIED at the time and her husband only moved out a MONTH ago.

 

I'm under extreme stress right now and I'm trying to figure out what to do. The fact is, I really love my wife. But our marriage has not been fulfilling.

[Doublegold]

You cant escape the choices you made--you invited another person into your marriage. YOU did this. You took vows that you broke. This is about YOU and your choices. Your deflecting and casting blame onto the OW is pathetic.

 

After making poor choices and getting caught, now the Former AP is villanized by you. Suddenly she is unstable, dangerous. Why--because now you feel threatened like a cornered RAT.

 

Frankly I question everything you say, as should your wife.

[beach]

Im not throwing her under the bus. I was expressing some irritation with some of her tactics these past few days when I'm operating under intense stress and chaos.

 

Why is this all about how you feel and not the harm you've caused to others?

 

If you want your M to heal you may benefit from embracing that your selfishness and actions have completely hurt two women.

 

Just a few days ago you told the OW to lay low until the coast was clear. That's just not nice to either woman and totally greedy of you.

 

Can you explore being less greedy, needing less ego strokes and looking into what it looks like to be a faithful and honest husband that exudes integrity? What would that look like for you?

 

Consider how you've harmed these women and start doing things that stop that harm. If you can't then it may be wise to consider being alone for a long while.

[beach]

And if you intend to repair that damage you caused - you should be willing to quit the job.

 

I can't see how you will resist this woman who's throwing herself at you. Forfeit money and quit. If you won't then you value money over your marriage.

 

Does your wife know your OW is at work?

[obtuseedge]

Why is this all about how you feel and not the harm you've caused to others?

 

If you want your M to heal you may benefit from embracing that your selfishness and actions have completely hurt two women.

 

Just a few days ago you told the OW to lay low until the coast was clear. That's just not nice to either woman and totally greedy of you.

 

Can you explore being less greedy, needing less ego strokes and looking into what it looks like to be a faithful and honest husband that exudes integrity? What would that look like for you?

 

Consider how you've harmed these women and start doing things that stop that harm. If you can't then it may be wise to consider being alone for a long while.

 

I did not tell my AP to LAY LOW.

 

I told her to give me a few weeks of NC so I can sort this situation out and figure out what I want to do. I always knew the situation couldn't last forever.

[AprilTears]

Lol. Come on. She talked about how OP's life will be a living hell. I won't say more than this : people divorce every day for a plethora of reasons. To act like his life will be ruined emotionally or financially is short sighted. He will recover. April is just mad that my situation worked, and that is ok I guess.

 

And I already gave OP my advice. Leave both. They do not deserve the torment he is providing.

 

Wait...what? I'm not mad about your situation and I don't even know (or care to know) your situation. Who's the angry one here?

 

If he continues down his current path what I posted to HIM (not you) is a possible scenario. How do YOU know that he will recover? Why is your opinion the correct one? Just because your "situation" worked out that way?

 

Hypocritical much?

[beach]

I did not tell my AP to LAY LOW.

 

I told her to give me a few weeks of NC so I can sort this situation out and figure out what I want to do. I always knew the situation couldn't last forever.

 

Same thing.

 

You basically disrespected your wife further at that point.

 

I've noticed you you answer a targeted question but ignore answering the other questions asked.

 

 

Why do you think your wife should settle and stay married to you?

[whichwayisup]

I'm under extreme stress right now and I'm trying to figure out what to do. The fact is, I really love my wife. But our marriage has not been fulfilling.

 

And the problems won't go away just because (if) you've chosen to stay married. you and your wife have to do marriage counseling, be completely open and honest, fix things, give each other a chance to reconnect and make it work again. Your marriage used to be fulfilling, years ago. Life happened and got in the way, you both dropped the ball there. Question is, do you want that? To fix things? Or would you rather divorce and be on your own? or end up someone else way down the road? Not saying it has to be the OW, she's messed up and has tons of baggage (getting out of an abusive marriage while having an affair without counseling isn't exactly a stable, healthy and thriving person) as well as she's shown you what she's capable of....

 

Focus on the advice that is helpful, try not to react to posts that are meant to get you to react. This place is tough, people can be blunt but most are meant in a good and helpful way.. and there's a difference between harsh reality checking advice and plain rude advice. Let it roll off your back.

[beach]

You do realize, don't you, that it's up to you to repair the damage you caused?

 

Part and parcel of fixing it is to block your OW from contacting you in any form. Why haven't you proven to your wife that that's your intention by blocking your OW?

[Arieswoman]

obtusedge post 81

 

This forum is full of bitter individuals

 

No it isn't.

 

It's full of smart, intelligent, people who had the good sense to kick their cheating, entitled, lying, SO's to the curb.

 

In all your posts I have not seen one ounce of remorse for this $h!£$torm you have created.

 

To top all that you are now blameshifting - it's not what you did (according to you) it's the reaction of the wronged ladies that's the problem. If only the AP would just "go away quietly" it would be fine.

 

Sheeeesh.

[SolG]

I'm under extreme stress right now and I'm trying to figure out what to do. The fact is, I really love my wife. But our marriage has not been fulfilling.

 

I think we all get that you find your M unfulfilling. Why do you keep reiterating this OP? Do you see being unfulfilled as a get out of the infidelity jail free card? Because, poor you, being unfulfiled in your M gives you liscence to seek that fulfilment elsewhere?

 

It doesn't work that way OP. You are responsible for your state of unfulfillment in your M. You are responsible for choosing to look for that with your (somewhat crazy by your accounts) model-looks AP rather than seeking with your W to rekindle/find it at home. You are responsible for the immense hurt being experienced by all parties right now. Including your own.

 

All this is on no one else but you. (Yes, I get that the AP also shares culpability; but for the purposes of this post it is more useful for you to focus on the lion's share which is yours.)

 

I understand that you're incredibly stressed right now. You're in damage control. But you need to stop spinning wheels in panic and really look at what you've wrought and at least accept your responsibilty here. You can't move forward, until you've looked back at where you came from and worked out why. Without acknowledging and understanding your wrongs, you can't hope to set them right.

 

Please just stop with the platitudes and justifications. No one needs or wants them them, not even you. What you all need now is honesty and comittment to moving forward constructively.

 

You have a long, painful road ahead OP. All of your own making. Good luck.

[minimariah]

Now I know better, my wife's already the ideal mate.

 

until another gorgeous model looking woman telling you you're a God comes along.

[Popsicle]

obtusedge post 81

 

 

 

No it isn't.

 

It's full of smart, intelligent, people who had the good sense to kick their cheating, entitled, lying, SO's to the curb

 

Proof that this section, which is meant for OM/OW is filled with BS's.

 

 

Even the OP should be posting in the infidelity section since he's reconciling with his W and doesn't want the OW anymore. Why he posts in this section is beyond me.

[Ruffian1]

"The fact is, I got into this difficult situation because 1. it is EXTREMELY difficult to resist a gorgeous mode looking woman who thinks you are a living GOD (and those are her words) 2. Yes, I lack self control, though not more than the average man. 3. Yes, my marriage was boring and I didn't feel fulfilled, though my wife is a very good person, but NO, I have not feel fulfilled."

 

 

 

She said thought you were a living GOD, LOL. If I remember correctly, she was a young woman who married her much older boss, who then put her through college and now he is abusive and you area GOD. I think she is very shallow but hey beautiful, but then I would think you are too based on your behavior and what you have written.

 

It is never the mans fault, everyone knows a man cannot resist a beautiful woman, it is in their nature, yeah DNA. Tell me, what if your wife could not resist taking another man for an A ride, what would you think of her? Let me guess . . .

 

So the marriage was boring and though your wife is a very good person, you were not happy. Whose job is it to make you fullfilled? Your BS??? Really?? Grow up. Your actions are a reflection of yourself.

 

Cheating on someone is a total abuse of power. To be intimate with someone is to be vulnerable to them. In marriage, we hold those bonds as sacred. We vow to be faithful to one another, which another way of saying we vow not to abuse our power.

 

When cheaters lie, gaslight, and blameshift — these are acts of power, of gaining advantage by keeping the other person in the dark.

 

No. You cheat because you gave yourself PERMISSION to cheat. And that comes from within.

[truncated]

Op,

I can't say if you love your wife or not. It sounds like , with the ow, you looked into the abyss and didn't like what you saw, and it made your wife look 1000 times better by comparison.

 

Does that mean you love your wife? Only you know the answer to that.

 

The thing is that if you choose to stay with your wife, you will have a huge amount of "heavy lifting" to do to repair your marriage. You will have to face the consequences of your actions full on, and that may not be an easy path to take. Are you ready for that?

 

What if your wife asks you to quit your job so you won't be around ow anymore, what if she demands all the details of your affair, wants all your phone and email passwords? |What if she can't trust you again for a very long time?

 

As for your now ex other woman, it does sound like she is unstable, and maybe she always was ( no offense, but calling you a " living god"...that's a little weird right there). While you may be glad that she is in your rear view mirror, if she is unstable, your wife deserves to know just what kind of person she is so she can protect herself. While there is every chance that the ow is simply very hurt and lashing out, there is a chance, small as it may be, that there is more going on. After all, she is under a lot of stress. her marriage ended, and her safety net - you- is gone now too. that's a lot of pressure, and she could snap.Threatening to harm herself if you don't see her shows that she has really poor coping skills, so you do have cause for concern.

 

 

If you and your wife do decide to reconcile, I would highly suggest some marital counseling, as you both have a lot of issues to address.

[Midwestmissy]

I'm a bs, here's my perspective: My h told me that he chose to believe whatever his mow told him. "You're an amazing man, even if you cheat on your family", "I want you now", "your wife doesn't appreciate you" and the rest of the tripe. His mother does this too - treats him like he's the king of any situation - his poor sisters. It's easier to believe superficial crap than to be a real man and do the right thing, which is be honest with everyone including yourself.

 

Bottom line? He confused the emotion & enthusiasm behind all these claims with their validity. Like a teenager. All of a sudden, the ap wasn't the only woman in the world who understood him, challenged him, got him - she was a serial cheating married mother of a gaggle of kids who had spent the better part of her adult life trying to $$ upgrade her life via sex. (He thinks) she was using him as much as he used her. I don't think either was a victim, I think they are both stupid and selfish and lack self awareness or a view of the big picture.

 

She's back with her h, and mine is groveling here, our kids are disgusted, I'm in a lot of pain - was what they had the real deal? Doesn't look that way.

[SleekArchitecture]

It does seem like it is time for you to buckle up and work on that marriage of yours. You are not getting any younger. The OW may not understand it now, but she can do much better that an unfulfilled, attached, hay wired, and indecisive man. What was she thinking? She is doing what many of us do, not placing perspective on all the negative aspects of a broken man. You are married, do work on your marriage. The answer is simple. You are a negative aspect in both women's lives. Pokey with the penis does more harm than good, zip it up and get marriage counseling.

[elaine567]

The OW may not understand it now, but she can do much better that an unfulfilled, attached, hay wired, and indecisive man. What was she thinking?

 

I guess her abusive husband had something to do with that.

Being abused she would have been desperate for "love", desperate for someone who looks like they care, desperate for someone to have good conversations with, desperate for someone who is not going to blow up suddenly on her or act weird.

 

Along comes loverboy who "understands", who is "supportive", who is "normal", who thinks she is worth something and she clings to him like a limpet.

Only to find he throws her off a cliff like garbage as soon as his wife finds out.

[goodyblue]

Wait...what? I'm not mad about your situation and I don't even know (or care to know) your situation. Who's the angry one here?

 

If he continues down his current path what I posted to HIM (not you) is a possible scenario. How do YOU know that he will recover? Why is your opinion the correct one? Just because your "situation" worked out that way?

 

Hypocritical much?

 

Ha ha! You are funny. And smart.

[SleekArchitecture]

I guess her abusive husband had something to do with that.

Being abused she would have been desperate for "love", desperate for someone who looks like they care, desperate for someone to have good conversations with, desperate for someone who is not going to blow up suddenly on her or act weird.

 

Along comes loverboy who "understands", who is "supportive", who is "normal", who thinks she is worth something and she clings to him like a limpet.

Only to find he throws her off a cliff like garbage as soon as his wife finds out.

 

 

 

A thought provoking and soulful man does not place all in his life in neat little sub units to be toyed with and discarded. I too, came out of a horrible marriage with a man who was diagnosed as a malignant narcissist. I thought prince charming had showed up through my own separation to potentially whisk me off my feet. Boy was I wrong. I traded one neurosis for another and here i am not even sure if I even like men anymore.

 

I think there is room for someone, but that someone is going to have to be exemplary. By this scenario alone, how quickly a breath of fresh air can become the crazy neurotic woman. I get tired of women being categorized as either the saintly Madonna, perfect mother, perfect woman or the debased prostitute, unstable, unhinged, out for a blood, and if she is not perfect she is than placed as the crazy Betty Susan.