Why am I so scared to divorce? <spouse cheating>

[Lion Heart]

For my sister, she stayed and stays because she is validated by her marriage, and she is also very good at denial (compartmentalizing/avoiding). She needs the marriage in any state, so she see's what she wants to see. This is what works for her, and to that end she feels that she has a very successful marriage and is about to celebrate 25 years. I don't see them ever splitting up.

 

Another woman know, turns away but she says she has no desire for physical with him, so she doesn't mind if he sleeps with other women.

 

I can understand that more than my sisters situation. But my sister is actually happy in her chosen ignorance.

 

Maybe your sister and others have "settled". They've employed strategies to maintain the status quo. Obviously people who choose to do this see more benefits for THEMSELVES by staying and perpetually putting up the walls of blindness to secure their position.

 

Some people are perpetually like that.

Some people are perpetual liars and cheats.

 

Others, like alot of shattered spouses here on LS, are seeking REAL marraiges that a based on honesty, fidelity, LOVE and compassion for each other. THIS IS WHAT WE WANT AND DESERVE. Because THIS IS how we've treated our spouses.

 

A bit like the Courts in medieval times.

Stooges.

Trouble makers.

Knights of honour.

 

Our challenge is to KNOW ones from the other and choose wisely. This is what I'm teaching my children....what it's taken me a lifetime to see.

 

Lion Heart.

[Lion Heart]

Yes, this is true. May become true for the OP in this case as well. May not. OP is in the best position to know. OP also knows about her family finances, the ability of WH to support her and the children post divorce.

 

I caution anyone who says divorce is best for the kids even when the parents are unhappy. I've not seen it on this thread but the old,"Kids will be happy if you are happy" chestnut just doesn't fly. Kids want you to suck it up for them and provide the best home life you can. They don't want to lose their home, their school, their friends, etc. If you have to stay unhappily married, in order to maintain their lifestyle, that is what they want. If you can divorce and still provide for them, I'm sure they will support that too.

 

OP - I'm in limbo too. My kids would lose their home, their school and more. Yet I am seriously considering pulling the plug anyway. I'm sticking it out for now in hopes to soften some of the blows to them. I don't think I'd do that though if my WS was currently cheating.

 

Ummmm loaded post. And I certainly agree .... somewhat.

As you say Confused, for you, you need to do what YOU think is right. You know better than anyone.

 

With unrepentant liars and continual cheats I completely disagree! I wished my WF (Wayward father) stayed and helped raise us BUT AND IT'S A BIG BUTT, ONLY if he STOPPED cheating and was the father and husband he SHOULD have been. Life was shocking for us after he left. But the details of their HE** of a marriage WAS like living in he**.

Mother crying ALL the time.

Beatings her to him.

His blatant disregard of HER feelings is quite unbelievable as I sit here and remember. Eg. NOT attending my brother's wake? Preferring instead to be with his AP? (He later left and married AFTER my parents adopted another poor child!).

 

When the level of disregard is so obvious to the children, THIS is what they learn. THIS is what's ingrained in their minds. THIS IS NO WAY NEAR normal.

 

I have SO MUCH compassion for you all struggling with these opposing emotions and KNOWING such opposing outcomes. It's the biggest decision of your life!

 

I'm in a similar situation but WH was caught out on his 1st almost full PA.....maybe his first. I'll never know.

I am STILL so unconvinced of his sincerity to boot!

I have so little faith in him. He's lost respect from all of us.

I am ABSOLUTELY cognizant of what I'll have to do to end this marraige, fight for the house to rent out, rent another, hope to convince my Dr to allow me to work FT and raise 3 children a year apart at school, about to enter high school - SO expensive. I KNOW I'll get no financial support from WH.

 

So for now I'm trying to take full breaths IN and OUT. That's my moment.

 

I understand it'll take 2y of steady proof for my Dr to allow my full employment. I can blow up the family and leave with no assets at all OR I CAN steadily PLAN.

 

I've done alot of things already but it's extremely hard because I'm NOT a duplicitous personality. I have to keep on.

 

Like you all, we just have to make the goals and never lose focus.

 

I'm off to write my next list!

 

Many blessings

Lion Heart.

[flowergirl14]

Logically, planning a divorce is the best option. However, there are times when you want to pull the plug quickly and divorce. Living a lie is hell and one most bs just want to be done with. Ive told my H over and over. I just want peace of mind. How many bs even remember life pre dday? Never questioning where or what or who ?

[Breezee]

Ummmm loaded post. And I certainly agree .... somewhat.

As you say Confused, for you, you need to do what YOU think is right. You know better than anyone.

 

When the level of disregard is so obvious to the children, THIS is what they learn. THIS is what's ingrained in their minds. THIS IS NO WAY NEAR normal.

 

Many blessings

Lion Heart.

 

Boy is this true! I know a couple who have been married for about 30 years and probably for most of that, they lived mostly separate lives. (He was planning on leaving when the kids could support themselves) Now that the kids are adults, neither one is able to handle relationships very well in fact, the older one remains alone and has never had an actual relationship. It's clear to most that they had a poor example of how a married couple relate, or not in this case.