Not always a heartbreak

[KCLady]

Hi all, I am new to this forum. Like most of you, I have been seeing a man since December who is married also. His wife is mentally ill, and he cares for her as best he can. This situation with her has been ongoing for over ten years.

He and I entered into this relationship with eyes open; unless something drastically changes, he will continue to live with and care for her. She not only knows about the relationship, but calls me from time to time in her less lucid moments - sometimes ranting in anger about the past other times talking as though we are best friends.

Its a difficult situation at times, but he and I do love one another, of that I have no doubt.

I was not looking to remarry when we met, and am not now so I do not feel that I am "missing out", but we do very much enjoy our time together and support each other emotionally, talk several times daily. and have an amazing friendship to go with an amazing romantic relationship.

I am still the OW no matter how you cut it but would not ask him to change his situation for me. They have been married over 30 years and I feel she does deserve all the care at home he is able to give her. ... any thoughts?

[Tamed Wildflower]

Hi KC... Glad you came to loveshack to discuss this.

 

Your boyfriend/friend/MM's (what do you call him??) wife's medical and mental situation must be really draining on him. In most situations (like 99.9%) where there is an extra-marital affair, the wayward spouse is expending the emotional energy he/she should be directing toward the spouse on the other M/W. It sounds like your situation is quite unique in that maybe you are actually sustaining your man emotionally so that he has the energy to continue caring for his wife. Does that sound right?

 

I didn't understand the wife's condition-- is she so beyond lucidity that any possibility of her contributing to a romantic partnership is gone? Does she still feel that she needs her husband's romantic loyalty, or has she gotten to a point where all she needs is his loving care, but not so much his romantic love?

 

I also want to say that I can tell that you are a good-hearted woman, between the beauty of your relationship with your man and the sincerity of your caring for his wife. And I am happy for you that you have found such a wonderful love, although at the same time I feel for you given the dilemmas that this situation poses for you.

[KCLady]

Hi Wildflower. Thank you for your good thoughts.. The situation is very draining on him, esp when there are episodes to deal with. His wife can be fine one moment, quite unstable the next, so he is never certain what he will walk into at a given time. When I met him he was emotionally not doing well at all, but as our friendship progressed, his spirits picked up and he is doing better with it now; feeling loved and accepted always has a positve effect on state of mind as well as energy. When she is going through her periods of 'acting out' I try to be as supportive as I can.

As far as any romantic relationship between the two of them, that has been gone quite a long time , she has not even slept in the same room with him for several years, her feelings run the gamut from scorned (only at times) to asking how I doing, sometimes in a matter of minutes. As I said sometimes she calls my to vent (anger about past events not related to me) or, to talk (usually about unrelated things), or to ask a question such as what time is it or for a phone number etc. Rarely does she call about my relationship with her husband, but she has ranted about once or twice, or called to ask questions about it in an almost child-like manner.

Thank you for recognizing that I do care for her as well .. how could I not? This is someone he loves as the mother of his children and as someone he has spent most of his adult life with. Asking him to turn his back on her now would be as unacceptable to me as it has been to him. I have supported his decision to stay from the beginning and will continue to do so.

I won't lie and say it isnt hard for me sometimes because it is very hard to watch someone you love go through something like this knowing you can't fix it,but we have alot of happiness and love between us ...more of that than tears so it's definitely worth it!

 

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[Tamed Wildflower]

It sounds like you and your boyfriend are both handling the situation with love and generosity.

 

What brought you to Loveshack? Did you just want to tell people about your situation and to get an idea of what others might think of it? Or are you looking for advice? Are you carrying any guilt about being the "other woman" here?

[Tamed Wildflower]

Hey KC, I didn't mean to scare you off! I was just wondering if I have been able to give you what you needed when you came to Loveshack to discuss your situation, or if you had anything else specifically that you wanted feedback about?

[PattyCakes]

I am still the OW no matter how you cut it but would not ask him to change his situation for me. They have been married over 30 years and I feel she does deserve all the care at home he is able to give her. ... any thoughts

 

 

Good for you for not being so selfish that you insist on your MM leaving his wife. I give any OW credit when they actually think of the MMs wife in the situation. You are truly a wonderful and thoughtful person.

 

I recently came very close to having an affair with my ex boyfriend who is now married. We have become good friends over the past six months, talking only on the phone. We have a great connection. He has supported me i n several issues , such as going back to school. Ive even chatted with him about dating and such. But I can not support him in the way he disrespects his wife and her feelings. I refuse to get , anymore, involved with him due to this.

 

 

Good luck.