He asked me to be his girlfriend, but now he's acting distant

[xpaperxcutx]

This guy, called S. recently asked me to be his girlfriend after having only known me for 2 months, and I reluctantly said yes. I thought, since I was coming out of a relationship (2 months broken up), I didn't want him to be my rebound, however I have found myself liking him more and more.

 

Yet, now he's becoming very distant. He doesn't text me or initiate text unless I do, and I fear that he's seeing another girl behind my back.

 

I don't want to become needy and desperate since it will only drive him away, but at the same time, I feel like he's becoming less and less interested. What should I do? We are both in the same IT course together trying to get our IT certification, and up until recently, we have spent most of every day together, taking the subway, to and from class. However, he doesn't hug me to say goodbye and he says that if I I didn't like him smoking, I can always just go and find someone who doesn't smoke.

 

I have been nagging him about his smoking ( he has health issues), and he had told me previously that he will try to quit. However, as of tonight he told me that the more I tell him to stop smoking, the more he's reluctant to stop that he would prefer I not date him anymore.

 

What's the deal? How do I get his interest back? I feel like i did something stupid to drive him away and I definitely want to make things work out with him.

[Els]

You can't make someone quit smoking unless they really want to themselves - and from what you've said, he doesn't really want to.

 

Are you willing to live with that?

[Leigh 87]

This guy, called S. recently asked me to be his girlfriend after having only known me for 2 months, and I reluctantly said yes. I thought, since I was coming out of a relationship (2 months broken up), I didn't want him to be my rebound, however I have found myself liking him more and more.

 

Yet, now he's becoming very distant. He doesn't text me or initiate text unless I do, and I fear that he's seeing another girl behind my back.

 

 

What's the deal? How do I get his interest back? I feel like i did something stupid to drive him away and I definitely want to make things work out with him.

 

As a LS a veteran I am surprised you have to ask.

 

You can't get him interested.

 

You should also know by now that, if you have to ASK if a guy is interested/how to pique his interest, then he probably isn't all that into you, which a guy should be after two months....

 

Men who are interested don't up the ante, ask for labels only to stop initiating.'

 

You sound like a strong person who doesn't like to tolerate men who are lukewarm about you and who's interest in you waxes and wanes... push pull, texts and relationship talk then poof, it dies down... It isn't what a self assured women would tolerate and you know it.

 

If a guy is interested, his actions are consistent. It is always, always right. Although if some men have no better options, they will stay with you and only leave you when they realise they want the passion and where never really all "in" to begin with, hence their patchy texting and communicating style...

 

Is that want you want? A guy who changes his tune and you don't feel so assured with, that you have no need for LS? When I date a guy I am .. truly, whole heartedly into, I have not written about them on here. I just "knew" they were genuine and honest with their intentions towards me....

 

In 2015 you know men all have smart phones that they use to text women that are on their mind a lot.

 

Do you have any diagnosed mental issues? It seems awfully soon of you to want to date around after a three year relationship. I was romantically over my ex you read about in 2011, when he left me, since I yearned for a man who was in love with me. But you can bet that, although I soon realised I would NEVER want to take him back, I cried about it every now and again for months!

 

You cannot just get over loosing a three year "best friend" at the click of a finger. I didn't, long after my romance for Andrew died, I still mourned the loss of him and was NOT ready to date for a good 6 months....

 

What's more important: do you even like this guy enough to, say, knock your ex back if he showed up at your door step and begged for another chance and declared that he had made the biggest mistake of his life leaving you? I don't date again until I meet a guy who I am as into as the last guy who hurt me and left me truly stinging.

 

If two months are well enough for you to date again sure go ahead, but this guy isn't someone you want to date - reliable, consistent men who ask for commitment and then demonstrate it through their actions are what you want. Not men who change their behaviour and say one thing and then do the other and drive you to write about it on here!

[candie13]

There are two ways of handling this: one is to go out there and talk to him and ask him what the deal is. Confront him, force him to talk about your fears and see where you stand. It will give you peace of mind, but you'll have to do the dirty business of confronting, and doing all the talking. Lots of efforts, is he worth it?

 

The other way is to simply vanish. Not do anything and withdraw even further. Most likely, he got cold feet and doesn't know how to bring up the news. By giving him space, you'll see his real nature, his real intentions. And in the end, that is what really matters. What he really wants deep down inside. You cannot really change that. You can make him change his mind for a while, a week, a month, a year... but in the end, you're wasting your time.

 

My personal opinion is to find a partner who wants to be with you. Who actively choses you. You are talking about him seeing other people. Do you really want to be with a cheater? Really really ?

 

I dunno, girl, your story sounds complicated. Give the dude some time and most importantly, give yourself some time. I vote for the break, see lots of people/ friends, go out. Don't act clingy or confrontative, just let the dude off the hook and let him do whatever he wants to do. Because in the end, he'll end up doing that anyway.

 

Focus on yourself, grieve a bit and just give yourself some time, you'll see much more clearly after that. And try to not fail on your IT certification.

Edited March 7, 2015 by candie13

[xpaperxcutx]

@Leigh87- We both have been on LS long enough to know each other's backgrounds; I remember your story with Andrew, and how long it took for you to get over him. As for me, my ex is never coming back. He left me for another woman and although I have begged and pleaded with him, he told me he would never take me back .

 

 

I grieved in my own way, and I just learned to let go because I accepted that my ex hates me and doesn't ever want to be with me again. His behavior towards me, by putting me down and telling me in my face that his new girlfriend is perfect, I am completely broken and I just went NC on him by blocking him from contacting.

 

As for the new guy, his presence makes me forget my ex, and makes me realize that the future is more certain. I see potential in him and I don't want to jeopardize this.

[candie13]

 

As for the new guy, his presence makes me forget my ex, and makes me realize that the future is more certain. I see potential in him and I don't want to jeopardize this.

 

this the biggest mistake women generally make. There is no potential, only reality. Now. Today. You need to really like whom he is today, how he acts today, how he treats you today, not how he could be. People rarely change. Very very rarely.

 

what you see is what you get. forget about potential, very few people reach their potential. It's not up to you, it's up to him to reach his potential. You focus on your own sh*t.

 

in a way, you are not jeopardizing anything because you cannot predict the future. you only have today. So focus on that. If you like today, stay. If you hate today, leave.

 

It seems that you are extra vulnerable from your previous relationship. Please take some time to grief and don't throw yourself into the datign world, just yet. LOADS of horrible people out there looking to take advantage of a vulnerable person.

 

LEarn to look out for yourself. As for your ex... he is delusional. Nobody is perfect, btw. When they go to the toilets and poo, their poo still smells nastily . He's a bastard, an immature bastard, to compare you with another woman - and tell you about it. Just let it go. And watch out for yourself !!!

[Leigh 87]

Andrew also soon got a 10 years younger and much hotter girlfriend he sent me a photo of albeit he felt guilty and asked if I was "okay" LOL as he knew her looks would make any ex feel like cr!p.

 

While I was over him romantically by this stage, I missed his company immensely still and I still do to this day.

 

Seriously - calling his new gf perfect to your face is disgusting and shows he lacks empathy and/or tact. There is no WAY you can overcome this brokenness that is now your heart. Anytime soon. Andrew at least felt bad for even sending me the pic of his new gf, which I asked for and he didn't offer up until I bugged him for it.

 

I have not had a proper or fulfilling relationship since Andrew, two years ago.

 

It takes time.

 

It is okay - I went and dated in the months after Andrew. I shouldn't have but hey. It happens. Sigh. I know I can't stop you from seeking some sort of.. "thing" you are craving from dating new men, so I will just forget about trying to deter you from dating anyone right now.

 

So. You should know the LS rule of thumb is: If a guy drops constancy, and if he says one thing that indicates commitment and then he pulls back, all is NOT well and more often than not it is bad news if you have to write about new men on here anyway.

 

The men I dated after Andrew - I didn't come on here and write about them until they ended it pretty much, at the start things were so obviously good that I didn't need to.

 

You only need to write about stuff when it surely isn't going to well lol.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Think of him as a nice distraction ^^ I really wouldn't take it seriously nor would I put emphasis on a "new" relationship since you are pretty destroyed after your ex and probably are not ready to date yet....I know you like him but do you think it is possible for you as a person, to hold back, not invest much and view it as a FWB, casual dating type of deal? If not ^^^ enjoy and give him once chance to prove he is into you - but if he continues this pattern end it ASAP. Don't waste your time on a wishy washy guy. You should know how that always ends.

[Buddhist]

Just let this one go. If he's lost interest it's probably because there wasn't much there to begin with. You've found a Peter Pan who only ever wants to chase. This is a boy in big kid pants, move on.

[Gary S]

You are in a pickle... two of the things guys hate the most are nagging and disloyalty.

 

On the other hand, your nagging is justified because you probably don't like the smoke.

 

Reality is, vices can be deal-breakers.

[d0nnivain]

He hasn't grown distant because he's cheating or you two labeled your relationship. He's growing distant because you are nagging him. Stop & he'll come back.

[Zahara]

Nagging -- one of the biggest turn offs. And only two months in.

 

You can't force someone to stop smoking. They have to want to do it on their own. You either live with that fact or you consider it a deal breaker and leave. There's no such thing as potential. Work with what you have infront of you and not what could be.

[idoltree]

I agree with others that the nagging him about his smoking has caused him to pull back and question committing to you. It feels to him like you are trying to control him and he doesn't want to tie himself to a woman who shows signs of being controlling.

 

So, answer this for yourself: are you okay committing to him if he is a smoker, or only if he is a non-smoker? That is the extent of your control over this.

 

If you decide you want to commit to him even if he never quits, then tell him that, and drop the topic of smoking. Tell him that unless he comes to you asking for advice, you won't bring it up. You may, in the future, want to discuss boundaries if you live together, like asking him to only smoke outdoors, but you will drop the idea of changing him.

 

If you aren't okay dating a smoker, then tell him that and end things. Say that you don't want to be a nag to him, and that you were only doing it because you want to be with him and you want him to stop smoking. But you realize that was controlling of you because were trying to change him. So you need to stop that and you have to choose to leave. Do this in a nice and friendly way, and tell him to please get in touch in the future if he is ever a former-smoker.

[TigerCub]

Nagging -- one of the biggest turn offs. And only two months in.

 

You can't force someone to stop smoking. They have to want to do it on their own. You either live with that fact or you consider it a deal breaker and leave. There's no such thing as potential. Work with what you have infront of you and not what could be.

 

Totally - and it's not fair to nag him about smoking because it's not like he just started to smoke - he was smoking when he started dating you - he was a smoker when you agreed to be his gf - so that is who he is - why should he be made to feel crappy about it and be expected to change?

 

And I get it, he has health issues - smoking is bad, yada yada - all smokers know that!

You're not telling him anything new.

 

Stop nagging him or trying to guilt him or control him.

 

How would you feel if one day he starts nagging you about losing weight?

and he sites health reasons (I honestly don't know what you look like or if you have any weight issues - it's just an example)

 

But in that case - it should piss you off because he knew what you looked like when he agreed to date you and where does he get off telling you what to do with your life?

 

same thing goes for his smoking.

 

You either accept it and keep quiet or you just leave.

[Mugen01]

Sounds to me you're still not over your ex and you're in a new relationship. I don't know about you, but I can see 'rebound' all over the place. You make sure you heal before jumping to a new relationship.

[spiderowl]

He doesn't want you to complain about his smoking and he's said he would choose smoking over you. It's not what you'd want to hear but I'd take him seriously at his word. If you want this guy, you are going to have to live with his smoking. Personally, I'd have to want a guy an awful lot if he smoked as I really dislike the smell and the way it takes a person away from you as they are tied to the drug, but maybe you could cope. If you can't, then you need to consider moving on from this guy.

[SawtoothMars]

I have been nagging him about his smoking ( he has health issues), and he had told me previously that he will try to quit. However, as of tonight he told me that the more I tell him to stop smoking, the more he's reluctant to stop that he would prefer I not date him anymore.

What's the deal? How do I get his interest back? I feel like i did something stupid to drive him away and I definitely want to make things work out with him.

 

Paper... this sounds like he broke up with you.

 

I know this hurts. Let him go. You deserve someone who loves you... not a guy who only hears nagging and fails to see that you are in reality worried about his health. You deserve someone who can see your heart.

[katiegrl]

You can't make someone quit smoking unless they really want to themselves - and from what you've said, he doesn't really want to.

 

Are you willing to live with that?

 

You also can't make someone want to be with and date you, and since he told you he would prefer to not date you anymore, the only thing you can do is move on.

 

I don't think it was just the nagging. It was probably a combination of things that caused to feel you just weren't a good fit.

 

I'm sorry...

[xpaperxcutx]

The funny thing was he made a romantic gesture in asking me to be his girlfriend and I was very moved by him. We havent been together for long, we became official just over a week ago. Im trying to give him his space and i want to tell him in person that I can accept his smoking and that Im really just worried about his health.