plugga Posted March 7, 2015 Share Posted March 7, 2015 I guess anything is possible in this day and age.... I have been separated from my ex-wife for 9 months now. Things were not great towards the end of our marriage and I packed my bags and moved out for a 'trial separation' but that was the end and no 'trial' about it really. Reasons for ending it were things like long term inequality in household duties ( I was doing full time work, very long hours to make enough money for our family to survive ), she was staying at home doing very little...was not really interested in going back to work or looking after the kids, had mental problems, etc etc. I was no saint either and had some bad habits like throwing myself into my career and focussing on that instead of family etc. We completed financial settlement, have joint parenting arrangement with our 2 daughters (which does not run the smoothest but it is alright I guess). The past few weeks I have had a few thoughts about whether I made the right decision or not of packing my bags and leaving. Whether I should consider trying to repair things. I know the risks like that it may waste yet another year of my life in terms of relationships, when I've already 'wasted' 10 years of my life being with her...if it doesn't work a second time around. Plus added heartache for the kids if we tried to get back together and it failed again. Is this a common feeling to get at about this timeframe post-separation? To my knowledge my ex hasn't done much during this separation thus far to bettering herself or working on some of the problems/issues that cropped up at the end of our marriage that she can have the power to change/work on. However I do think it is possible that she could resolve a lot of them if she did put the time and effort in and really had the desire, and maybe after living without me for 9 months she has discovered that? I guess I just don't want to die wondering, if we could have made it work and gotten back together and we don't try. Missing out on key milestones together with the kids. Being a happy family once again all together. People lose their other halves to illness and accidents and it is a tragedy...is it truly possible to set aside past differences and focus on a viable future together? How do you truly decide 200% whether to close the door on the past and move on forever, or give it another chance? Link to post Share on other sites
Arieswoman Posted March 7, 2015 Share Posted March 7, 2015 plugga, If this is the case;- To my knowledge my ex hasn't done much during this separation thus far to bettering herself or working on some of the problems/issues that cropped up at the end of our marriage that she can have the power to change/work on. then tbh I think, unfortunately, you are on a hiding to nothing here. However I do think it is possible that she could resolve a lot of them if she did put the time and effort in and really had the desire, and maybe after living without me for 9 months she has discovered that? I believe that anyone can do/achieve almost anything if they have the desire to do so. But from what you write I can't see any evidence that your estranged wife has made any significant changes to her mind set. Incidentally what "mental issues" has she had and what has been the consequence of these? Have they been addressed? In the meantime you might find that some counselling would be helpful to get a clearer perspective on this. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby65 Posted March 7, 2015 Share Posted March 7, 2015 I agree -- this is a serious matter and some individual counselling would probably help you figure out which way to go here. It's possible to find happiness and love with someone else, someone who can give you more and who can be a good role model for your girls, too. Remember that whatever relationship you pursue -- whether it's going back to your ex or finding someone new -- becomes the template for them on how marriage and love is supposed to work. Link to post Share on other sites
Author plugga Posted March 8, 2015 Author Share Posted March 8, 2015 Incidentally what "mental issues" has she had and what has been the consequence of these? Have they been addressed? She has long standing depression issues, possibly the cause of a lot of her laziness. Also anxiety as well. She never really held down a good job in the many years I was with her...and towards the end having young children the finances did get very strained. I was of the expectation she should go back to work to try and help earn more $ for the family...but she did not want to. some individual counselling would probably help you figure out which way to go here. Yep...I do see a therapist and have done so on a regular basis since separating. I told my therapist during last weeks session about my thoughts of whether we should contemplate getting back together and not sure if my therapist is just trying to protect me but the response was basically don't forget how bad things were towards the end and how she wasn't making any effort to hold the marriage together at the end...etc. There is just this little part of me that can't seem to 100% let go and move on entirely, that just wonders every now and then if things could ever be back to how they used to be. When you have nearly 10 years history with someone it is hard to just completely close the door and move on. Even though I was the one that agonised over the decision and finally decided to leave and walk away from our marriage. I just wonder if I had of tried for another 6 months, if things might have gotten better...or made some more changes in our lives to try and make our relationship better and stuff? Like working less hours or something. I don't doubt that eventually I can find happiness elsewhere, at the moment it just feels like such a shame we aren't all a proper family any more. Like one of my friends had been married for 10 years with two beautiful kids, then his wife died instantly overnight in bed next to him...(they were only in their early 30s too), another one of my friends with two kids...his wife shacked up with some other guy because she was bored and left him to raise his kids for 3+ months on his own while she was half way across the country having fun. Anyways she admitted her faults and they are back together. Whether it will last or not, and I also don't know what goes on behind closed doors...but these sort of things make me think with what other people have going on then maybe I shouldn't take life for granted and be stubborn and try and attempt to work on things? Link to post Share on other sites
LifeNomad Posted March 8, 2015 Share Posted March 8, 2015 Its possible but she would need to be 100% on it also. Look out for urself and the day she comes looking for u asking to reconcile and saying that shes willing to do what it takes is the day u really consider. Otherwise u will repeat the cycle of slowly breaking down more. Just imo. Link to post Share on other sites
Author plugga Posted March 8, 2015 Author Share Posted March 8, 2015 Should I be simply playing the waiting game longer (or going about my new life really)...until such a time that she approaches me saying these things? Or should I be more proactive with her giving her all the real details of why exactly I left and closed the door on our marriage, outlining all the problems (from my perspective) and possibly doing a session with her and a counsellor so she is at least aware 100% of all the problems I had so then she can know this info IF/when she ever decided to give it her all, to try and reconcile? Like she is still with this new boyfriend of hers and she tells me she would give that up in a second to have me back...should I be saying things to her like she needs to leave him and break all contact with him...then do X Y Z for 6 months, get herself a job and whatever, before I would even consider the possibility of discussing reconciliation and stuff? I also don't want to be seen as holding her to ransom or coming up with unreasonable requests, when I was the one that left her etc. I also don't want to waste time in my life that could otherwise be spent on self-healing or grieving / moving on (whatever we call it)...for nothing either. Link to post Share on other sites
LifeNomad Posted March 9, 2015 Share Posted March 9, 2015 if your the one who left and think you made a mistake I would say yes, try and talk to her about it but she has to want to as well. You gotta make sure you tried everything you think is possible to fix what you want fixed or else you will wonder "what if" down the line. but also remember not everyone is perfect, were all different and individual beings with different feelings, thoughts etc you have to meet each other half way and accept shes not perfect. For your question about the ex, I would say, its logical and reasonable to ask her to break contact with him completely if you are taking her back. just my 2 cents Link to post Share on other sites
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