How Can I Handle Things Better

[Leigh 87]

Hey,

 

I am not writing about a potential love interest as I am not dating atm and this guy was from months ago. He re - surfaced today. I screwed things up which I feel no emotional reaction towards since I feel better alone and not dating at this stage, however; I don't want to potentially ruin things in the future when I date again.

 

How did I handle this and in the future, should I try looking at situations such as this one in a different perspective? I kind of think he could have been lying and pretending to be really into me in order to get sex BUT then again, I feel like perhaps I jumped the gun and made false assumptions simply because a lot of men ruin it for the nice guys.

 

Here's the story: for months, a guy came by my work just to see me and buy my products. There was strong chemistry from day one. Over the months we chatted, he brought me lemonade on days it was hot etc.. A few weeks ago he finally gave me his number. He texted me and said that he could barely put a normal sentence together around me and he said " geez I dunno, I guess you really knock my socks off"

Red flag one = when made such statements, LOL. He then said " I am happy to drive the two hours to come up your way to see you, I would like to take you out or a nice dinner sometime"

 

I never heard from him after that day. Until today. Two weeks later. I figured that a guy who purports to have been crushing on me for months would surely... you know, follow through on his plans for a date, OR, at least want to keep in touch? I even suggested during our last exchange " I would like to keep in touch " to which he said " definitely"

 

It looks like a classic case of a man saying sweet words to get sex. Because his actions didn't support his words. He said he was crushing on me badly then never felt inclined to keep in touch with me? I mean, surely he couldn't be that into me so after an initial exchange today I said " I no longer work _____, near where you live, so I understand that you wanted a convenient set up for us to hang out and etc... I understand we are both super busy with your own business part time degree and kids and me also with my degree, so I totally understand if the two hour locational barrier isn't going to make catching up easy but please feel free to call me anytime to chat it would always be nice to hear from you:)"

 

He thought I was alluding to him lying to me to get convenient sex. So he said " if that is what you think I am like then I wish you well and I will leave you to it :)" I was and I wasn't. I wasn't rude, but I did mention the word "convenience" in relation to his location being in close proximity to where I DID work.......So that if he was a player he'd catch on to the fact I am not an idiot, or if he was genuine, I didn't think I sounded too mean... right?

 

Do you think that if a guy meets a girl who he is really excited about (and this guy has spoken to me for months at my work so he knows me well enough to know whether he is really into me or not), is it common for them to STILL go weeks without contact, after they had made it known they wanted to date you out for a date?

 

I dunno I tend to call bullsh*t early on when a guys actions don't match up to his words.

 

On the other hand, we weren't dating so to me it is normal to go a couple of weeks without contact before starting something up - it isn't always the case but it is a common enough occurrence.

It is just more common ^^^ for a guy who is genuinely excited about you to NOT take that long to text or call you again. He also didn't call me to begin with; he only texted a few times to confess his apparently "interest" in dating me the day he got my number and that was that.

 

In the future when I start dating again how can I better handle situations like this? Bare in mind that I wait out for good chemistry - the type where you are into each other and don't need to take time to figure out who you like best out of all your multi dating dates. An obvious "fit" if you will.

^^^ the guys who have been that way inclined towards me texted me after our date and didn't go days without contact. Same goes with my friends - the men who were excited about them and into them knew early on they really liked these girls and didn't go days much less weeks, without contact.

 

 

 

Any tips or advice as to how to handle things better in the future would be much appreciated.

[amaysngrace]

I think you're being smart to weigh his actions against his words before jumping in.

 

But why did you say he wanted somebody convenient when he told you he'd drive two hours each way to see you? Is that because he didn't take you to dinner in the past two weeks?

 

You said he has kids? That could be a reason why he hasn't made a dinner date yet. Parents can be busy people.

 

It could also be that you're coming off as not very interested.

 

If I were you I'd do nothing for now and wait on him to contact you. If he wants to take you out to dinner I'd give him the chance.

 

Just because he drives a distance to see you and pays for a meal in no way obligates you to sleep with him. You can always say no to having sex.

 

By all means be aware of his words versus his actions but don't keep shutting him down because your guard is up too high. You may regret that later.

[BluEyeL]

The way you handle things in the future is simple. Not too many words spoken. If a guy asks you out, you go out. Even if he didn't contact you, but if he was respectful and didn't bring up sex before even starting to date, you just go out with him when he asks. Then, if he asks again, and you liked him, you also go out again and again. If he doesn't ask you out consistently, you drop him.

 

And you wait to have sex until you are in an exclusive relationship. That's how you find out if he is a player, not by confronting him in any way. The less said, the better. Never confront a man about anything before being in a stable relationship. You just observe and than take his offer or leave it.

[Leigh 87]

Thanks. Actions mean everything to me. I have had too many guys tell me how they had "never felt this strong of a connection" before:sick: just because they thought I was very attractive and would do anything to get into bed with me.

 

All good though I can see how I stuffed up - or there is a chance he was lying to begin with.

 

In future I think I will give a new guy the benefit of the doubt ONCE..... before we even go on a date sure, he could legit be busy for two weeks. Maybe he is going through personal stuff he doesn't wish to go into with a new girl he barely knows! I will give a guy a chance in future if he drops out after our first contact but still, I would be mindful and careful to ensure his future actions match up with his words.

 

I am cynical but I don't want to get to the stage where I shut guys out who would have otherwise actually been interested.I don't mind that I ruined things with this guy ^^ as I am busy with a podiatry degree and about to start work again. He texted today to say hey and catch up. He mentioned that he was super busy running his own business and doing an online qualification online. THEN it happened.

 

Me: Since I don't work there anymore I guess it isn't too convenient anymore to catch up but I would love to still talk and be friends

 

Him: Well if that is how you see me then I will leave you to it, take care and good luck :)"

 

Me: don't take it the wrong way, I don't know you well and you seemed like a very nice guy and I always enjoyed talking to you and I get that we are both super busy but I would love to chat to you sometime as I totally understand that the distance will make it hard to catch up too regularly"

 

Him: I am driving and will text you back later

 

He never did text back. I don't expect to hear from him again but if I do I will deff chat to him and if he suggests coming to visit for a date I will accept because we met before my dating hiatus and the chemistry was brewing for months and was electric to begin with and he did come across as very lovely. Sucks to ruin potential things but it is also wise to be cautious when men's actions are different than the actions of most other men that are/were into you. And when they act excited only to drop off for weeks... It is conflicting, I get that life happens, but he was certainly not acting lukewarm about me and it seemed like he was super excited about me and our burgeoning chemistry!

 

I deff will give the next guys in the future the benefit of the doubt while also remaining healthily sceptical given their words have not quiet matched up to their actions.......

 

Thanks....

[idoltree]

It seems like you are saying too much and it comes off as you wanting to control things.

 

Long texting conversations leave the door open for misinterpretations. And, having a dated a guy that would send me multi-sentence texts where it was clear he'd been neurotic and overthinking everything, it's a big turn off. It shows that you aren't stable, don't have much going on in your own life, and that you're high maintenance. Maybe those things aren't true, but demonstrating that much thinking and emotional investment in an outcome early on will cause others to turn away from you, because they are still forming an opinion of you.

 

As BluEyeL said, observe and respond. Mirror their frequency of communication and how much they are communicating. Don't do anything that suggests you are putting way too much thought into things early on, because that scares people away.

 

Additionally, you have expectations in your head, and then react out of disappointment when he doesn't meet them. The intensity and speed in which you want to connect with someone sets you up to feel disappointed. It's about chilling out. Not every guy is a life or death scenario.

 

This is an example of a dating situation that contradicts your speed and intensity requirements. Do you understand that your requirements restrict the type of relationships that you will get? Do you understand that it means you sabotage relationships that could have gone slower? Slow doesn't mean unhappiness. It means stability. You crave stability, but you want it to coexist with speed and intensity, and don't seem to have any recognition whatsoever that those three things don't tend to come along in the same package.

 

People who rush and profess feelings early on are impulsive people, not stable people. Impulsive people will not offer stability. By insisting on speed and intensity, you are repelling stable people. Does this indicate that you yourself are unstable? I'm not sure, but it might.

 

I even suggested during our last exchange " I would like to keep in touch " to which he said " definitely"

"I'd like to stay in touch": What does that even mean? If you want to stay in touch, then contact him and respond to his communication to you. To me, "stay in touch" and then a two week break of not talking seems reasonable, because "stay in touch" is long term. So you issued a vague expectation that individuals can interpret differently. He interpreted it differently and you took it as a slight and an indication that he wasn't interested. I think you shot yourself in the foot here.

 

Why even say anything about wanting to stay in touch? Watch what he does, and react to it. Be receptive, and show him that you are receptive, and that you are happy to hear from him. Observe whether he is pursuing you, and if things are ramping up, but also have perspective. If someone lives a distance away and has kids, things have to go more slowly than you are comfortable with or used to because you will not be the center of his universe. Clearly that made you uncomfortable, because, as your massive frequent missives describe, you want speed and intensity or it's not right for you. And clinging to that notion caused you to sabotage something that was going slower and still could have turned into a relationship.

 

Me: Since I don't work there anymore I guess it isn't too convenient anymore to catch up but I would love to still talk and be friends

 

Him: Well if that is how you see me then I will leave you to it, take care and good luck :)"

 

Me: don't take it the wrong way, I don't know you well and you seemed like a very nice guy and I always enjoyed talking to you and I get that we are both super busy but I would love to chat to you sometime as I totally understand that the distance will make it hard to catch up too regularly"

 

Him: I am driving and will text you back later

The guy didn't want to relate to you as a friend. You didn't want to relate to him as a friend, or you wouldn't be posting here. You wanted him to take you out on a date - that's not friendship.

 

It's funny, in your description of what you said to him, you totally glossed over the part where you said you wanted to be friends.

 

Why did you say that? It seems to me that you attempted to manipulate him into giving you information about how he felt about you by using the "friend" word and it backfired on you. You wanted him to object strongly, and you wanted that validation so much that you were willing to sabotage the larger picture in order to get his adoration in the present time, because you couldn't just sit with the uncertainty.

 

You said you wanted him as a friend, he showed you he didn't want that in his reply, and then you told him not to be offended and listed how you'd treat him as a friend in a multiple sentence reply intended to reassure him. Then you're stumped as to why he stopped texting. He decided that pursuing you isn't worth his time or effort.

 

Actions mean everything to me.

Then you need to be able to examine your own and what messages you are communicating with your actions. Your actions here led to sabotaging yourself, because you did like this guy and want to date him.

 

I really wish you would stop with your rules and expectations and become comfortable with uncertainty. You need to know where things stand immediately (which is why you have your rules and expectations). You clearly are not okay not feeling in control and not knowing what a guy thinks of you, and that is causing you to act in ways which sabotage getting what you want.

 

Chill out. Observe and respond. Stop trying to control everything right from the start because it is futile. You are 100% in control of yourself, you can never be in control of things involving other people, dating included.

Edited March 7, 2015 by idoltree

[Leigh 87]

I can see how I stuffed up now. It was deff my stuff up. We weren't dating, he expressed interest to drive two hours to see me (he said " I want to take you on a date and I would be very happy to drive your way )"

 

It is only AFTER a guy takes you on a date that you should worry about the guy taking weeks off from contacting you.....

 

We had flirted and gotten to know one another for a few months.

 

I guess I am a little jaded - so many guys have uttered sweet words and never backed it up with actions - so I was more or less thinking " right, you confess how into me you have become after those months of talking, and then poof, you don't talk to me for two weeks? After you said you WANTED to keep in touch?"

 

Oh well lesson learnt.

 

At least I know not to be too wordy or... to half admit to a guy that I think he is just another @hole that is full of sh*t, LOL....

 

Probably not a good way to have gone about this latest guy at all ^^

 

I deleted his number but you never know, I didn't do anything totally batsh*t crazy so perhaps he will come sniffing about one day. If not, at least I learnt something out of this!

 

Thanks guys I can see I was in the wrong here and won't exhibit the same behaviours again - I sort of knew right after I did it that it was a little off but my bitterness surrounding ALL the men who have proclaimed such sweet things towards me only to vanish - got the better of me I am afraid:lmao:

[Timshel]

I hope you know by now Leigh 87 that I am a woman and that if I post a response, I am not trying to be mean to you. If you are not ok with my post, just say. I am hoping that you realize there was a misunderstanding and have no grudge.

 

You said that you are afraid. Lot's of people have trouble with dating and finding someone they can trust and feel safe with. I know it's confusing and hard but you are a smart and lovable person. Hang in there.

[Leigh 87]

Thanks guys. Idiot Tree - you were spot on as per usual. Never again will I do those things. I am cringing just reading about them. We hadn't even dated yet. I should have waited until we at least went on a date before expecting daily contact, which is what I, as a woman, need..

 

Timshel - so sorry about all that. Your name is eerily similar to ... someone...

 

 

 

 

All good, never did hear from this guy but nor was I thinking of him; I met a guy last Friday and we are smitten. He not only told me how drop dead gorgeous he found me at first site and how he was so enamoured by me, but he is actually following through; be brings me flowers at college and drives distances just to spend one hour with me. He couldn't even help but tell his friends about me despite less than a week of having met me!

 

He isn't future talking or asking for an instant relationship or anything emotionally inappropriate though. It is just obvious how into me he is and I don't have to question anything for a change!

[rester]

 

Here's the story: for months, a guy came by my work just to see me and buy my products. There was strong chemistry from day one. Over the months we chatted, he brought me lemonade on days it was hot etc.. A few weeks ago he finally gave me his number. He texted me and said that he could barely put a normal sentence together around me and he said " geez I dunno, I guess you really knock my socks off"

Red flag one = when made such statements, LOL. He then said " I am happy to drive the two hours to come up your way to see you, I would like to take you out or a nice dinner sometime"

 

I never heard from him after that day. Until today. Two weeks later. I figured that a guy who purports to have been crushing on me for months would surely... you know, follow through on his plans for a date, OR, at least want to keep in touch? I even suggested during our last exchange " I would like to keep in touch " to which he said " definitely"

 

What was your response to his invitation to dinner? Did you say yes, and then he never followed through? Or did you reject him somehow?

 

 

 

 

 

 

Me: Since I don't work there anymore I guess it isn't too convenient anymore to catch up but I would love to still talk and be friends

 

Him: Well if that is how you see me then I will leave you to it, take care and good luck :)"

 

Me: don't take it the wrong way, I don't know you well and you seemed like a very nice guy and I always enjoyed talking to you and I get that we are both super busy but I would love to chat to you sometime as I totally understand that the distance will make it hard to catch up too regularly"

 

Him: I am driving and will text you back later

 

 

Never tell a guy that you may be interested in dating that you would love to talk and "be friends". I think most of us take that as a clear, but nice, rejection.