3 months later and where I am at.

[66Charger]

Darn can't delete

[Mazerati]

Dang, people always want to put clouds on others sunshine. Success is not always about the present. Sometimes it is about a honest effort. Maybe it was all lies. No second chances ever. Maybe Noirek is right and darkness is just too strong. Either way, Just Keep it to yourself hope. I will try to figure out how to delete my post from this thread. Nothing but negative reposnses. Regardless, I hope to return in a couple months and hear better news about this lost flower. For now, its a beautiful day at the beach.

 

Peace Noirek. Don't fight so much.

 

Sunshine is relative to the honesty of the people involved in the relationship. In some relationships, it may appear to be on the bright road to recovery, when in reality dark clouds were all around, and all were misled...

I do not believe for one minute all the posts here are negative in context, but some who offer advice should also follow their advice, stop chastising and vilifying Noirek.

 

Recent posts allude to this.

 

I admire Noirek and appreciate her honesty. Her advice to others and her words are straight to the point. I don't know if her marriage will make it. She fully admits she is trying, but is also a realist. Earlier her self loathing was horrible. I see a big positive change in her outlook, is it enough? Well, from my perspective how could you not root for her to succeed? How can you not be positive and supportive of her?

 

Don't crucify her for being honest.

In fact...

 

I wish we men could be as honest as her.

Edited May 24, 2015 by Mazerati

[Noirek]

Darn can't delete

 

My husband rides a Yamaha.

 

I should have expected that reply. I know why I read LS. I know I look for heroines. Lovins, MsAdams, LadyJanes. I understand that every recon may have a stumble, hence the hated posters fWW post. But it still is a success story even if imperfect. Tthe one thing that these stories have is that the WS values the husband/ marriage much higher than her dark. This is not the case here. My words here are ,meaningless.

 

I am reading the wrong story.

 

Dang, people always want to put clouds on others sunshine. Success is not always about the present. Sometimes it is about a honest effort. Maybe it was all lies. No second chances ever. Maybe Noirek is right and darkness is just too strong. Either way, Just Keep it to yourself hope. I will try to figure out how to delete my post from this thread. Nothing but negative reposnses. Regardless, I hope to return in a couple months and hear better news about this lost flower. For now, its a beautiful day at the beach.

 

Peace Noirek. Don't fight so much.

 

I don't fully understand you but please, if I cause that much distress to you, do stay away from my threads!

[Noirek]

I could add a few crucial details that you are missing and I bet you would change your tune about the 'success' story. But I'll shut up.

 

Now you have made me curious.

[Cephalopod]

Noirek is your husband seeing another woman on the side? He seems very accommodating to your EA.

[Sticky Fingers]

Noirek. What gain do you and your husband receive from living in a sexless marriage as platonic friends and babysitters rather than as each others confidants and lovers?

[Noirek]

Noirek is your husband seeing another woman on the side? He seems very accommodating to your EA.

 

If he is he must engage at work when he isn't being run off his feet. At home we are in the same room the majority of the time. Where I relax I have full view of his computer. He's a much better person than I. He is patient with me. And stubborn. But I have answered this question before. On this very thread.

[Noirek]

Noirek. What gain do you and your husband receive from living in a sexless marriage as platonic friends and babysitters rather than as each others confidants and lovers?

 

If this described my marriage I would be able to answer you.

 

-our marriage isn't sexless. In my original thread I explain a period of time it was. I believe I have mentioned we have a good sex life. I am happy with it and so is he. We are friends but for from platonic. He is a sexy man who I love to get down with. And he thinks I'm hot. We are parents. Not babysitters. And whatever our marital problems that does not change. I find it offensive you would say such thing. We are each others confidants and we are lovers. It is almost as though some people read a thread and believe what they will? Is our marriage in danger? Yes, I'm extremely damaged and not sure if fixable. But the one thing I think I have made clear is that I'm honest with him. Where is the lack of confidant?

[Sticky Fingers]

If this described my marriage I would be able to answer you.

 

-our marriage isn't sexless. In my original thread I explain a period of time it was. I believe I have mentioned we have a good sex life. I am happy with it and so is he. We are friends but for from platonic. He is a sexy man who I love to get down with. And he thinks I'm hot. We are parents. Not babysitters. And whatever our marital problems that does not change. I find it offensive you would say such thing. We are each others confidants and we are lovers. It is almost as though some people read a thread and believe what they will? Is our marriage in danger? Yes, I'm extremely damaged and not sure if fixable. But the one thing I think I have made clear is that I'm honest with him. Where is the lack of confidant?

 

I'm sometimes blunt and I am not fond of sugarcoating what I see happening, but it was not my intention to be offensive with the question I put out to you.

 

As far as being "extremely damaged" (your words) why do you believe you "extremely damaged and not sure if fixable" (your words again)? Does your husband share in this view of you?

[sammy7111]

He needs to wake up a see she's not worth fixing

[Sticky Fingers]

He needs to wake up a see she's not worth fixing

 

Most of her posts have been about her. Until she provides more information related to her husband's state of mind, he's just a prop.

[Cephalopod]

If he is he must engage at work when he isn't being run off his feet. At home we are in the same room the majority of the time. Where I relax I have full view of his computer. He's a much better person than I. He is patient with me. And stubborn. But I have answered this question before. On this very thread.

 

I'm sorry I must have glanced over it. I for one am impressed with your candor. I don't think you are unsalvageable. I think you have some FOO issues that need dealing with.

 

I guess what I'm asking is, if your hubby were to find a woman to engage in an online relationship as you are doing with the OM, would you mind? I guess it could be viewed as a semi-open marriage, where the two of you are allowed to seek external validation outside your relationship.

 

I'm not being facetious. My brother very recently committed suicide over his WW's affair, and I cannot help but think that had he met a woman who could have shown him some compassion and attention, maybe he would not have killed himself. Maybe he could have been bolstered by her while his wife's affair played out.

 

I have a hard time believing your husband is not being damaged by your actions. It sounds like he is just putting on a good game face for your benefit, so that he won't lose you.

 

Would you mind him having an online fling during the time you are having yours?

[Mr. Lucky]

We are each others confidants and we are lovers. It is almost as though some people read a thread and believe what they will? Is our marriage in danger? Yes, I'm extremely damaged and not sure if fixable. But the one thing I think I have made clear is that I'm honest with him. Where is the lack of confidant?

 

Noirek, he must really love you and that feeling seems to be anchored in the way he's chosen to view you and your actions.

 

Not sure I'd describe your feelings for him the same way...

 

Mr. Lucky

[merrmeade]

I'm sometimes blunt and I am not fond of sugarcoating what I see happening, but it was not my intention to be offensive with the question I put out to you.

 

As far as being "extremely damaged" (your words) why do you believe you "extremely damaged and not sure if fixable" (your words again)? Does your husband share in this view of you?

If there was a theme to Noirek's threads, it would be this one: her issues of negative self-perception ("extremely damaged"). This issue has been approached many ways, and she recently was congratulated by many posters for her improvement in this regard. The answer to this question is her story and is neither simple nor short. If I were Noirek and somebody asked me this question at this point in the thread I'd either start pulling out my hair or ignore it. I hope she ignores it. However, it wouldn't be the first time Noirek's surprised us, so she just might answer you.

 

But to be fair—and helpful to the OP—you should read previous threads. That might be why she's impatient with you. I'm impatient with you. That was tactful answer #1.

 

Now, here's "blunt" without "sugarcoating" answer #2:

Have you bothered to read Noirek's other threads?

Have you even read the first part of this thread??

 

If not, here's how it works: The minimum courtesy a poster owes an OP is to read up on the history and what's been said to date. It's not fair to show up in the middle and ask OP to fill you in—ESPECIALLY in this case. She and we deserve the right to assume everyone's done the homework.

 

So lack of preparation explains your "sexless marriage" comment. It's irrelevant that it was not your "intention to be offensive with the question." But to follow up with a question from chapter 1 of Noirek's history is worse: It's boring.

 

And if you think you read it, well, you missed a major theme. Please read the whole thread before posting again or ask Noirek politely to clarify.

 

Thank you.

[Sticky Fingers]

She's pretty gutsy just being here to begin with and responding to less kindly comments than mine. I've read many of them BTW.

 

She's free to respond or ignore my questions/comments if she wishes. That's ok with me. The important thing is that she answers them to herself for her benefit (and her betrayed husband's) and not for mine nor anybody's else's.

 

I see your point but she's an adult who has been trying to face her demons. Nevertheless that doesn't mean she needs others to come to her aid, such as yourself, and speak up for her. To do so is treating her like a child and isn't that insulting?

 

If you wish to reply, that is your prerogative, but I will not respond back to you, that is my prerogative.

 

 

If there was a theme to Noirek's threads, it would be this one: her issues of negative self-perception ("extremely damaged"). This issue has been approached many ways, and she recently was congratulated by many posters for her improvement in this regard. The answer to this question is her story and is neither simple nor short. If I were Noirek and somebody asked me this question at this point in the thread I'd either start pulling out my hair or ignore it. I hope she ignores it. However, it wouldn't be the first time Noirek's surprised us, so she just might answer you.

 

But to be fair—and helpful to the OP—you should read previous threads. That might be why she's impatient with you. I'm impatient with you. That was tactful answer #1.

 

Now, here's "blunt" without "sugarcoating" answer #2:

Have you bothered to read Noirek's other threads?

Have you even read the first part of this thread??

If not, here's how it works: The minimum courtesy a poster owes an OP is to read up on the history and what's been said to date. It's not fair to show up in the middle and ask OP to fill you in—ESPECIALLY in this case. She and we deserve the right to assume everyone's done the homework.

 

So lack of preparation explains your "sexless marriage" comment. It's irrelevant that it was not your "intention to be offensive with the question." But to follow up with a question from chapter 1 of Noirek's history is worse: It's boring.

 

And if you think you read it, well, you missed a major theme. Please read the whole thread before posting again or ask Noirek politely to clarify.

 

Thank you.

[Noirek]

I'm sometimes blunt and I am not fond of sugarcoating what I see happening, but it was not my intention to be offensive with the question I put out to you.

 

As far as being "extremely damaged" (your words) why do you believe you "extremely damaged and not sure if fixable" (your words again)? Does your husband share in this view of you?

 

The offensive part was that you called us babysitters. No matter what happens between us we are more than babysitters to our children. We are parents. It waa a dig at your version of our marriage.

 

I answered the secon part in length when I talked about the two mes. Before my affair the one me had only peeked out breifly in my life when I bucked my religeous upbringing and had sex before marriage. My affair brought it out in full force and I struggle to put her back where she belongs. I'd rather be rid of her all together.

[Noirek]

Most of her posts have been about her. Until she provides more information related to her husband's state of mind, he's just a prop.

 

Of course my posts are all about me. How absurd to suggest they would be otherwise. I am the one posting here. I've answered questions about my husband if you read my posts at all (really read) and the thing is people simply do not believe what I tell them my husband says or even how he appears to me. It really is a waste of time for me to presume I could discuss my husband's state of mind when I am not my husband. I cannot speak for him. I can only repeat what he has told me and his actions. So, maybe instead of being so insulting you can as specific questions about my husband or actually go and read my posts. My husband is a big reason I am here trying to get better. He is far more than a prop to me. You are a very insulting person who hides it behind being "blunt". There is blunt. And then their is being illogical (your above post) and rude. Maybe you should worry a little more about your own reflection and less about my husband and I

[Noirek]

I'm sorry I must have glanced over it. I for one am impressed with your candor. I don't think you are unsalvageable. I think you have some FOO issues that need dealing with.

 

I guess what I'm asking is, if your hubby were to find a woman to engage in an online relationship as you are doing with the OM, would you mind? I guess it could be viewed as a semi-open marriage, where the two of you are allowed to seek external validation outside your relationship.

 

I'm not being facetious. My brother very recently committed suicide over his WW's affair, and I cannot help but think that had he met a woman who could have shown him some compassion and attention, maybe he would not have killed himself. Maybe he could have been bolstered by her while his wife's affair played out.

 

I have a hard time believing your husband is not being damaged by your actions. It sounds like he is just putting on a good game face for your benefit, so that he won't lose you.

 

Would you mind him having an online fling during the time you are having yours?

 

My husband is not suicidal. He loves his children too much and is far to secure for that. But I get where having someone close to you end their life is hard and now you think that is a common result of cheated on. For how many people who cheat it actually isn't. Suicide usually has more than one trigger that's why. I, on the other hand, have attempted suicide. I also do not have foo issues. Not blaming this one on my family. They are great and have always been.

 

I believe I have answered many, many times that I sought an open marriage and that I would be ago with him being involved with someone else. But there, I answered again.

[Noirek]

She's pretty gutsy just being here to begin with and responding to less kindly comments than mine. I've read many of them BTW.

 

She's free to respond or ignore my questions/comments if she wishes. That's ok with me. The important thing is that she answers them to herself for her benefit (and her betrayed husband's) and not for mine nor anybody's else's.

 

I see your point but she's an adult who has been trying to face her demons. Nevertheless that doesn't mean she needs others to come to her aid, such as yourself, and speak up for her. To do so is treating her like a child and isn't that insulting?

 

If you wish to reply, that is your prerogative, but I will not respond back to you, that is my prerogative.

 

I appreciate mermeads support.

 

It takes no courage at all to spill your soul on an anonymous forum. At least not for me.

 

Your questions benefit no one except for maybe people who want to see me stop posting. Because your questions are redundant and your statements are wrong/ insulting, and unhelpful.

[Sticky Fingers]

Your questions benefit no one except for maybe people who want to see me stop posting. Because your questions are redundant and your statements are wrong/ insulting, and unhelpful.

 

If that is your perception, so be it, but you are wrong. In any case, I'll leave you and wish you luck.

[Dutchman1]

Dear Noirek,

I sence that you are in a better state of mind now, you changed a lot, and the way you discribe your M and your H gives confidance. believe me.

It's there all along in you. The way you defend your H, and only speak best lately makes me smile a little.

I read all of your threads, I'm a positive realist and I know the human psy for a great bit.

Don't dig to deep, it's there.

It it's not a switch but a mindsetting wich you can controll.

I read Compulsive Dancer's story, and in a way there is a simalarity.

I do not think the real you could or would be happy in a open M.

It's not you, and I get that from the way you write about your H, M and family.

Just give yourself a chance, you're a team with your H.

If there are demons fight them both, just let the one who is still loving and helping you in.

You two and your family wil make it.

 

 

Dutchman 1

[LifesontheUp]

My husband is not suicidal. He loves his children too much and is far to secure for that. But I get where having someone close to you end their life is hard and now you think that is a common result of cheated on. For how many people who cheat it actually isn't. Suicide usually has more than one trigger that's why. I, on the other hand, have attempted suicide. I also do not have foo issues. Not blaming this one on my family. They are great and have always been.

 

I believe I have answered many, many times that I sought an open marriage and that I would be ago with him being involved with someone else. But there, I answered again.

 

Do you feel you have missed out on the experience of other men?

 

I hope you get into counseling to explore your feelings more. I don't think OM are the answer. Just hope you realise and accept that soon.

[Noirek]

Do you feel you have missed out on the experience of other men?

 

I hope you get into counseling to explore your feelings more. I don't think OM are the answer. Just hope you realise and accept that soon.

 

I didn't think I did until MM. And then I did and wished I would have got this all out of my system. But lately not so much again. However, I don't trust that the feelings won't return.

[LifesontheUp]

I married my first who 18 yrs later cheated and the next person I met and fell in love with is my current husband.

 

I've never felt I missed out or needed to get it out of my system, but I do understand some people do feel this way. I think talking it through with a counsellor may help.

 

What to me is coming across in your posts is that your husband wants to work this out with you and you do too. But I get the sense you are scared. Perhaps scared you might mess it up? I don't know.

 

Get into counselling asap, hopefully you can talk it through with someone with experience who can help.

[Dutchman1]

Dear Noirek,

I do not want to bring you down or hurt you, but I'm a little confused.

 

 

At first your opening paragraph is so very intense that it does make clear straight away who you are and what you feel it's top honnesty.

 

 

In a later paragraph you defend your H and state you love him not the MM anymore, you two are a team, more than just parents, and your sexlife is ok.

You state of the fietish in your mind with reading cheaters novels and getting a "maybe horny"feeling of it.( your black side ?)

So you would like an open M, and here's the question; are you affraid you will fall for another MM or Sm? and that would also include EA, or do you seek exitement in lust and seks, to do things that you maybe been fantasising about?

I think the first option can be dealt with ( if you want too) in IC, and the last option is the most dangerous, because that depends all on your bounderies.

I do hope you find good counseling, because you are realy not a bad woman, and your pain must be inmense. I pray for you.

 

 

Dutchman 1