How do I tell him?

[secretdandelion]

Okay, after my thread in the "infidelity" subforum, I know that I have to talk to my husband.

 

I just don't know how. How do I tell him that I don't see a future for us when he hasn't done anything wrong. It's me and my feelings that are wrong.

 

The tricky part is that we can't get a divorce right away due to complicated visa issues (he would have to leave the country) and as my business isn't at the point where I can support myself yet (and no, I can't get another or different job, again complicated visa stuff).

 

So I would have to talk to him and make him understand that I don't want to stay with him but at the same time find a solution for the near future until he gets a different visa and I get my business up and running (I moved here 4 months ago, everything is going as expected but it'll take a few more months).

 

How would you approach this?

Would you tell him you cheated even though it has nothing to do with anything and would only hurt him more?

 

I don't want to destroy him as moving here has made his confidence so much better and he finally found a few friends.

 

I don't know what to do...

 

Thank you all in advance!

 

PS: If you want to tell me how wrong the affair was, please do so in the Infidelity thread. I just want to be fair and tell him, that there is no future for us...

[writergal]

1. Read through the exceptions to deportation rules with divorce: Immigration Resources - LawInfo

 

 

What Happens When You Divorce a U.S. Citizen Prior to Becoming a U.S. Citizen?

 

By: LawInfo

The lives of most divorcees change once a divorce is finalized. However, if one of the divorcees is not a United States citizen then that person may face an additional challenge and need to fight for the right to remain in the United States. Generally, when an immigrant marries a U.S. citizen and the couple resides in the United States, the immigrant spouse is provided with a conditional permanent resident status until the couple has been married for two years. In order to obtain full permanent resident status, the immigrant spouse must file a petition with the INS prior the second anniversary of obtaining a conditional permanent resident status.

 

If the couple is still married then the immigrant spouse becomes a full permanent resident. However, if the couple is divorced then the immigrant spouse is deportable.

 

Exceptions to the Deportation Rule if the Couple Divorces Within the First Two Years of Marriage

 

While the presumption is that a divorcee who does not have permanent resident status will be deported, there are exceptions to that general rule. In order to remain in the United States, the divorcee, usually with the help of an immigration attorney, needs to prove one of the following:

 

· That the marriage was a marriage entered into in good faith and that the marriage was terminated due to no fault of the immigrant. A court is likely to find that the marriage was entered into in good faith, and not for purposes of immigration status, if the couple lived together as husband and wife, if the couple had a child together or if the couple owned property together.

 

· That the immigrant would face extreme hardship if deported; or

· That the immigrant was battered or treated with extreme cruelty by the spouse who was the U.S. citizen.

 

If any of these three exceptions are proven then the immigrant may remain in the United States.

 

Couples Who Divorce after 2 Years of Marriage

 

Generally, an immigrant who divorces a United States citizen after 2 or more years of marriage is less likely to face deportation if the immigrant has already obtained permanent resident status. A divorce may delay the alien’s citizenship process since there is only a three year residency requirement for immigrant married to U.S. citizens and there is a five year residency requirement for immigrants who are not married to U.S. citizens. However, the immigrant will be allowed to remain in the United States.

 

Your Divorce May Affect the Immigration Rights of Others

 

Often it is not just the immigrant spouse whose immigration to the United States is affected by a divorce. The divorce could also impact visa applications for other relatives whom you were sponsoring to bring to the United States.

 

Immigration and Divorce | DivorceNet.com

 

In some cases, a divorce may be affected by immigration. Here are some common questions and answers.

 

What is conditional permanent residence?

 

A person who immigrates to the U.S. based on a marriage that is less than two years old at the time of his/her admission will receive conditional permanent residence status. This status lasts for two years. To attain full permanent residence status, the conditional resident must file a petition with the U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services (USCIS) prior to the second anniversary of his/her admission as an immigrant. At that time, if the marriage is still intact, the immigrant spouse will receive a full permanent residence. Conversely, if the marriage is dissolved, the immigrant spouse will lose his/her immigrant status and become deportable.

 

I sponsored my spouse’s immigration application and we're divorcing?

 

If you sponsor your spouse’s immigration application and the marriage is ending, you should withdraw your sponsorship promptly because through sponsorship you have assumed the responsibilities of supporting your spouse and his and her dependents. When a person signs an affidavit of support, he or she accepts legal responsibility for financially supporting the sponsored immigrant(s) until he or she becomes U.S. citizens. However, divorce does not necessarily terminate your financial responsibilities toward your immigrant spouse before he or she becomes a U.S. citizen unless he or she leaves the United States. A spouse-sponsor should withdraw any Petition for Alien Relatives and the Affidavit of Support as soon as possible if divorce proceedings are imminent.

 

How are immigration applications treated after a divorce?

 

When an immigration application that is based on marriage is pending before the USCIS, an immigrant spouse will be considered out-of-status upon the dissolution of the marriage. There is also a strong possibility that the alien spouse could be subject to removal proceedings after the divorce case is finished. A person who immigrates to the United States based on a marriage that is less than two years old at the time of his/her admission will receive conditional permanent residence. If the marriage is still intact at the second anniversary, then the immigrant spouse will receive a full permanent residence. Meanwhile, if the marriage ends in divorce, then the immigrant spouse will lose his/her immigrant status and become deportable. Where the qualifying marriage has ended in divorce or annulment during the two-year conditional residency period, the conditional resident may apply for a waiver of the joint filing requirement based on the parties’ good faith when they entered into the marriage.

 

Learn more about Family Based Immigration.

 

What is conditional residence status?

 

Conditional resident status is conferred on an alien to the United States or a lawful permanent resident in a marriage that is deemed bona fide and that is less than two years old. The status is conditional for another two years. If the marriage lasts more than two years, then the alien can be approved for lawful permanent status without any condition. The U.S. citizen may petition for his or her alien spouse to receive an immigrant visa. An alien with an approved immigrant visa petition may be issued an immigrant visa by a U.S. consular post abroad and use the visa to be admitted to the U.S. as a permanent resident. Also, some aliens already in the U.S. may use an approved immigration visa to petition to gain permanent resident status through an adjustment inside the U.S. The USCIS will interview the couple to determine the bona fides of the marriage. Conditional resident status becomes permanent after the second anniversary of the residence status if the alien and the petitioning spouse jointly file an I-751 petition that is signed by both parties. This is filed within ninety days of the second anniversary of the granting of conditional resident alien status. Thereafter, they are interviewed by a USCIS examiner to see if their marriage is legitimate.

 

I am now involved in a nasty divorce. What can I do to maintain my immigration status?

 

If an alien spouse is a conditional alien resident for at least two years, then he or she will not need their spouse’s assistance to process the I-751 petition. If the marriage is shorter than two years, then the alien spouse can request a waiver. The waiver can be based on one or more of the following grounds: extreme hardship if deported, termination of a good faith marriage, or battered spouse or child ground. The good faith waiver requires that the qualifying marriage was entered into in good faith by the alien spouse, that the alien was not at fault in failing to meet the requirement of filing the joint petition, and that the qualifying marriage was terminated other than by the death of the petitioning spouse.

 

How will a divorce affect the issuance of my conditional green card?

 

Aliens who obtain their permanent residence based on their relationship with a U.S. citizen spouse or an alien parent's U.S. citizen spouse are granted conditional permanent residence if the qualifying marriage took place within two years prior to the date permanent residence was conferred. Conditional permanent residence means that the permanent residence is subject to termination if it is found that the qualifying marriage was a sham marriage or a marriage that was entered into only for purposes of obtaining an immigration benefit. Other than the conditional permanent resident being subject to having his status terminated, he is afforded the same rights as is any other permanent resident. Within ninety days before the two-year anniversary of the permanent residence being granted to the alien, the alien and spouse must apply to have the condition removed. The general rule is that divorce terminates the conditional permanent residence. Nevertheless, in this scenario, it is possible for the alien to obtain a waiver of the termination if the conditional permanent resident can show that the marriage was entered into in good faith, it is presumed that he was not at fault for failing to file a joint petition. Two ways to show that a marriage was entered into in good faith are proving that the couple had a child together and producing evidence that the couple owned property jointly.

 

How will a divorce affect an unconditional permanent residency?

 

Divorce does not adversely affect an alien's immigration status after the alien obtains permanent residence unconditionally. The only effect divorce may have on an alien at this stage is that it may delay obtaining citizenship. If a permanent resident is married to a U.S. citizen, he has a three-year residency requirement for U.S. citizenship as opposed to a five-year residency requirement. In order to benefit from the shorter residency requirement, the alien must be married to the U.S. citizen for at least three years prior to the exam date. Therefore, if the alien is divorced before being married to a U.S. citizen for at least three years before his exam date, and if he has not been a permanent resident for five years, he will have to wait until he has been a permanent resident for five years before he is eligible to apply for U.S. citizenship.

 

I believe that I am a victim of marriage fraud.

 

An allegation of marriage fraud may be made to obtain an annulment by the spouse of an alien who gained legal resident status through marriage. It is very important for an alien spouse to vigorously contest an annulment based on fraud. Note that a U.S. citizen could face criminal liability for a false marriage fraud allegation.

 

2. After you figure out the legal repercussions for both you and your husband with a divorce in the U.S., and how that effects you both legally, then talk to him about your feelings.

 

In your post you wrote:

How do I tell him that I don't see a future for us when he hasn't done anything wrong. It's me and my feelings that are wrong.

 

Just tell him the truth. You don't see a future with him. It's not his fault. But you don't want to be married to him anymore. If you don't tell him the truth, then you complicate your situation, by telling more lies.

[secretdandelion]

Thanks but it's definitely a fact that he would have to leave as we're here on my visa and none of us is a citizen.

[writergal]

Thanks but it's definitely a fact that he would have to leave as we're here on my visa and none of us is a citizen.

 

Then you need to consult with an immigration lawyer.

[secretdandelion]

I am not looking for advice on how he can maintain his visa. I would just need to give him a couple of months before finalizing the divorce, so he can sort that out. And I would need a couple of months to sort out my side. It just complicates the process of the actual divorce.

 

I am looking on advice on how to approach him, how to tell him, that I don't want to be with him and if I should tell him, I cheated or not.

[beach]

I am not looking for advice on how he can maintain his visa. I would just need to give him a couple of months before finalizing the divorce, so he can sort that out. And I would need a couple of months to sort out my side. It just complicates the process of the actual divorce.

 

I am looking on advice on how to approach him, how to tell him, that I don't want to be with him and if I should tell him, I cheated or not.

 

Honesty is always best.

 

Just tell him - that you haven't been honoring him and he deserves to be honored so it's best you two part ways.

 

Let the visa chips fall where they may - you can move - start looking for room mates.

[KBarletta]

The simple answer is that you need to bite the bullet and be honest with him, sooner rather than later. As for the affair, chances are that he will find out eventually, which would be worse than hearing about it from you, and could hurt much more if that comes after he begins to heal. Good luck!

[Lernaean_Hydra]

Is there any reason why you can't tell him and come to some kind of agreement that doesn't involve immediate divorce?

[secretdandelion]

Thank you. I guess there is no good approach to breaking up.. Just never had to before. It's just hard to throw 7 years away..

 

As for the affair, I am sure he wouldn't find out. And I am not sure if it would help the healing or make it worse to know I did it.

[Hardgrind]

With respect to working and Visa's you might just want to hang tight and see how the court cases work out. Right now it appears the U.S. immigration laws are whatever the White House decides they should be so Deportation Rules with Divorce may be irrelevant.

 

 

Not saying its right or good, but the U.S. approach is currently to reward those who break the law by jumping them ahead in line in front of those who are doing what the law asks them to do.

 

 

How risk averse are you? With amnesty being giving every few years you may decide its worth taking the chance.

 

 

To your question on telling him, as a BH who is going through a divorce, my BW didn't tell me anything until I found out through detective work. After D Day I got enough details from her to put together a comprehensive picture of what really happened. My knowing what actually happened has been crucial for regaining control of my life. In the long run it will not be possible for him to understand what happened if you don't tell him the basics. Otherwise whatever picture he builds for himself that explains why the marriage ended will be based on wrong information, which can leave him really screwed up.

 

 

My advice is to tell him you want out of the marriage and that there is another man involved. When you tell him it would be good if he had some support structure (friends, family) that he can contact immediately if he needs it.

[secretdandelion]

Thanks for the insight, Hartgrind! This really helps. Okay, so it's best to tell him everything, even if it hurts, so he doesn't think he did something wrong. Thank you!

[secretdandelion]

Thought you might all like to know that I told him. He's really understanding and I think in denial. I guess there'll be lots more of talking. But I told him. That's a start.

[minimariah]

Thought you might all like to know that I told him. He's really understanding and I think in denial. I guess there'll be lots more of talking. But I told him. That's a start.

 

well, maybe he felt the same way you do so it came as a relief.

[secretdandelion]

I don't think so, he wants me to stay but said that he wants me to be happy and if that means leaving him, we have to figure out how to make that work...

 

We'll see how the next few days go. So much to talk about and no idea where to start...

[A.Moscote]

It seems you can't even be honest with us here, dandelion.

[secretdandelion]

My guess is that you refer to the fact that I did not tell him about the affair. I did tell him I'm leaving and that's what I meant, when I posted.

 

I am not sure, if I should tell him about the affair but we spent the last few days talking about the past, present and future and there's a lot to talk about.

 

I'm honest with you and myself and I told him that there is no future for us. I talked to some people who were cheated on, if they wanted to know or not. And I'm getting pretty split answers.

 

My feelings say he shouldn't know as it would destroy him. But I'm trying to find out, what the best approach is, the best for him - not for me.

[chew123]

Secretdandelion,

 

Might have thought about how it would destroy him before you had the affair.

 

A little late to worry about that now. Tell him the truth. Then he will know why you are leaving and he will know that it is really over. Yes it will hurt, but it will probably enable him to know it is really over.

 

It will help you also. Do you really want to begin your new life by closing out your old one with lies?

 

My STBX told me. If she hadn't I would still be hanging on thinking I could win her back. Yes it caused me incredible pain. But it was necessary.

 

Tell him the truth, be kind to him during the divorce and move on with your lives.

[secretdandelion]

Yes I know, I should've thought about that before. But it's too late. I have two versions of what it will do, if I tell him. One half says that it will help, the other half says, it'll make it worse...

 

At the moment, I'm happy I built up the courage to talk to him at all and I know that was the right choice. One step at a time.

[A.Moscote]

My guess is that you refer to the fact that I did not tell him about the affair.

No, I meant between you and us here. See post #11 and #12, and some of the prior replies you got. Some of us might have got the wrong impression of what you really told him. Hopefully you too can see it now.

 

About you not telling him the whole truth, well it is your choice. I can see that you have quite reasonable points for doing so. At least both of you are now aware of where this is heading. Just be careful not to spill the discarded words and deeds.

 

For me, being in your H's shoes (of not knowing the real thing) is not something that I prefer. As chew123 said, the real situation, hurtful though it is, is still a necessary asset to move forward and be better in the future. At least it is for me, as much as I know myself.

 

Anyway, you are doing good, really not bad. Keep on building the courage needed for the right choice. Be patient to take it one step at a time. Don't be too stingy too, sacrifice a bit for his ease, you'll gain more later. Good luck.

[secretdandelion]

Thanks for the kind words. Yes, I see that. That wasn't my intention. I didn't mean to mislead anyone. I didn't think too much about my word choice.

 

Thank you all!