Being Labeled as a Potential Homewrecker

[Pearl27]

This isn't easy for me write, but I have to tell someone, and need help and advice ASAP.

 

I work at a small elementary private school in NYC, and I know there are plenty of rumors of me among the parents that I am some potential homewrecker. While no one has directly said anything, I can tell by body language and behaviors that this is the case. I also know why and who started it.

 

Here goes...

 

Back in December, I noticed one of the fathers at the school had begun being rather flirtatious around me. He often volunteers at the school, and helps out with its business side. I have worked with him briefly last summer, and our relationship was always professional. We've gotten along well, and I never had any issues with him. He can be arrogant and egotistic, but he also can be personable by popping into the office space I share with a co-worker for a quick casual chat with us. He seems to like being in the center of attention, and looks for opportunities for it. He even once told me when I started working there last year that he is a self-centered person who's all about himself. He said all this with a laugh.

 

But back in December, he started being flirtatious around me whenever he came to pick up his son. Some days, it seemed subtle and possibly innocent, but other times it was suspicious. I was hoping it was all my imagination and also hoping it was just innocent. After all, who wants a married man hitting on them in a school work environment?

 

Even worse, his wife was pregnant at this time, and was set to give birth to their second child at any day. I didn't want to fathom that a married man with a second child on the way would flirt, in any degree, with someone who was not his wife.

 

The big problem here is that I was a little flattered with the attention. I have to confess that I've found him rather attractive. A few other co-workers have admitted that he's one of the "hot dads" at the school, and have innocently flirted a bit with him. But that's as far as it got, and I highly doubt that anyone would consider pursuing him or anyone at the school. As for me, yeah I've gotten the butterflies and even hot-blooded from him, but I could never get involved with a married man. I don't want to be known as the other woman, and the drama and chaos that an affair brings on is not worth it. Besides, most married men never run off with their mistresses and the OW is basically a piece of meat, and that's not what I aim to be.

 

However, I've wondered if my interactions with him inspired him to take an interest in me while his wife was pregnant. I've analyzed my interactions to death, wondering what did I say or do to make him think I'd be interested in having an affair with him. I really don't think I gave any hint, and if I did, it wasn't my intention at all and I truly regret it. I also admit to not having the greatest self-esteem and can be insecure around guys. I feel like I give off this vibe that attracts all the wrong kind of men (unavailable men, weirdos, jerks, etc.). However, that does not excuse his behavior and I'm not the one with the roving eye here. For the record, since all this started, I am taking steps to improve my self-esteem and to taking ownership of my appearance in order to prevent the aforementioned guys coming to me. I don't want to deal with this crap anymore.

 

Anyway, when school resumed, the flirtations happened again for a few times. I was still hoping it was my imagination because by then, his second child was born. But what made me snap out of denial was when I was walking down the street one morning, heading to work. I just so happened to look up to see this father, waiting at the red light in his car. He was looking directly at me, and apparently had been watching me walk down the street. There was a look of interest on his face when I looked up. But as soon as I saw him, he casually turned his head away with a look of shame coming across his face.

 

I got upset because I knew then that I had a big problem here, and I dreaded to see him again. I started overanalyzing everything, questioning what did I say or do to warrant his attention or behavior. I can be very high-strung sometimes, and I was worried sick about how far this will go and what will happen next.

 

I got my answer two days later when he came for a meeting with the principal. He came into the office I share with another co-worker, and started working on a few things with her. He barely acknowledged me, and looking back, I think he decided to stop his roving eye and go back being a husband and father like he should. During this brief time, though, I made it too obvious I was nervous to be in his presence. Yes, that was foolish and immature of me, and sadly, that is what ruined me here. When he was done, he got up and told me to have a good day, while throwing a mockingly flirtatious look at me before leaving the office.

 

By the next day, I started to notice a change in the other fathers and even the mothers at the school. Several fathers started to act the same way towards me as this Main Father (henceforth to be known as) by lingering at my office with laser beam eyes. Some of the mothers were either uneasy around me or had daggers in their eyes. Some even looked as if they wanted to scream at me. It was terrible. Basically, Main Father had washed his hands clean of his un-husbandly behavior by labeling me as some skank and potential homewrecker.

 

I was so angry at Main Father that the next time I saw him, I had to stop myself from screaming at him. This is mainly because he literally came bouncing into the school in a good mood, unaware of the hurt he caused me. Of course he wouldn't, but it angered me that he threw me under the bus like this when it was he was the cheating a**hole waiting to happen. It was all him, and I did nothing to warrant all this unwanted attention from the parents. Even some teachers were eyeing me curiously.

 

The worst part was when I briefly interacted with his wife. She was asking a few questions with this look on her face that said, "you poor thing. You only wish you can have him". It was very awkward. But I remained professional and friendly, and even asked how her newborn son was, which she gushed over.

 

That was back in January, and since then, the rumors have not died down. Instead, the keep going and it seems like on some days, things will get worse. There are times when it seems like I cannot even greet a father or interact in anyway with one without suspicions rising. I feel like I'm under some huge microscope that I never asked to be put in. Even some moms appear uneasy when I briefly chat with their kids during dismissal, whereas in the past, it was all simple. I basically cannot do my job without the slightest eyebrow going up.

 

Even worse, there's this one couple who is friends with Main Father and his wife. I feel as though they are using me as tool in their apparently troubled marriage. The husband keeps making laser beam-like eye contact me, and gets annoyed when I ignore him. His wife regularly looks like she wants to confront me, and even watches me like a hawk when I interact with kids or anything. When she is with her husband and daughter, she's practically growling at me. What the hell? Don't drag me into your marital problems!

 

As for Main Father who did all this, he's been an emotional rollercoaster since washing his hands clean. I've noticed him looking depressed or guilty in the weeks that followed, and has nervously glanced my way or tries hard not to notice me sitting in my office during dismissal. Last week, he finally made eye contact, though it was more of an intense fixation than a simple eye contact. He even raised his hand to make a small wave, and without thinking, I said, "hey". Later, while leaving with his son, he glanced slightly over his shoulder, and gave off this vibe that reeked of sexual energy. It was like he was throwing out a feeler yet again. Of course, I didn't catch it at all.

 

As for his wife, this week has been a roller coaster. On Monday, when she came to get their son, I just so happened to see her and greet her like any other mother. She responded with a smile as she hurried in. I thought, "great! She's moved on, and so can I! This can all be over finally!" Seriously, I've been waiting for this to be over for so long!

 

But on Tuesday, when her son threw a tantrum, myself and a few other teachers and staff stuck our heads out to try to talk to her son. This probably wasn't very wise of me, but I really wanted to move on. I've been feeling like I have to walk on eggshells around the parents and kids for a long time, and I just want things to be normal again. Can't I just do my job without raising suspicion? But this mom was not happy to see me speak to her son along with everyone else. What, she thinks I'm trying to steal her family?

 

If I sound insensitive, well, its only because I'm pretty sure I did nothing to warrant this reputation. I really don't think I did anything to make Main Father flirt with me. Sometimes I wonder if I misread his behavior and made something out of nothing. But there were definitely times when he did act in a way a husband should not.

 

After that moment with the mother and son, I noticed a few moms looked like they wanted to confront me. Boy, do these parents talk! (Of course they would, but...you know...). And then, this past Thursday, I noticed a few more dads making eyes at me. One of them even winked at me when he came in! If his wife found out, she would skin me alive on the spot.

 

By Friday, I was so stressed and angry, that I blew up over a minor thing first thing in the morning. When I was trying to calm down, I started to cry. I demanded that everyone to leave me alone and stay away from me. I had to go to the bathroom to calm myself down. I was wishing that the school would blow up, and I hated all the parents.

 

I decided that I needed to tell someone about all this. I wasn't sure who to speak to and how to approach this since this is a difficult thing to bring up. The Main Father is well liked and respected by many parents and some teachers. I was also afraid no one would believe me and would think I'm the problem. After all, its a man's world and its always the woman's fault.

 

I finally told one teacher briefly what was going on, but I did not name names. She was shocked and horrified. But she didn't want to go into much. She has a lot on her plate, and prefers to stay away from drama. Who can blame her? I wanted to tell another co-worker, but she's dealing with an ex-boyfriend who's had an emotional affair. She is, though, the best person to talk to because we share an office. She witnessed one of Main Father's earliest flirtations, and she sees me get tense during pick-up. I know she's heard the rumors but has not confronted me about it. I don't know what to say to her.

 

There's another former teacher I'd like to talk to, but she broke off her engagement due to her cheating fiancee. That one teacher I spoke to thinks she may be best to speak to, but I'm not sure. I'm so afraid of being judged, and this is so uneasy to talk about.

 

I definitely cannot tell my boss about this because she's not an easy person to deal with. She's also old-school and may totally blame me, and even fire me.

 

I feel so sick. I've been job searching for a while, and things are looking up. But I am so angry and pissed. When I finally told that teacher, I felt like a huge weight came off me and I was feeling better. All this stress and tension has been building for weeks, and I need to get it out or else it will destroy me.

 

My approach is to hold my head up high and not pay too much attention to everyone's behavior. But I also need to campaign in some way that I am not a potential homewrecker in anyway. My reputation is totally damaged, and I am pissed. I'm not sure how to get all this clear, and I'm so upset. I want this to end. Of course, once I get a new job, I'll totally be free and I wouldn't have to look back. But until then, I really don't know what to do.

 

Thank you for reading this. I'm sure I made a lot of mistakes here, and I haven't always been smart. But this is such a difficult thing to deal with. The slightest rumor of infidelity can really turn things upside down. But the worst thing is, I didn't do anything to warrant this. I'm pretty sure I did nothing wrong, and I am angry as hell at the Main Father for washing his hands clean of me like that. I'm also pissed to see him all happy and confident again, while I suffer from his a**holeness. Some days I feel like shouting at him.

 

I feel like I'm under a microscope and I'm being judged at every minute. I really don't know what to do. I'm afraid of who to talk to, because this can create a lot of damage in a lot of ways. But I need to talk to someone.

 

Thoughts? Advice? Suggestions?

 

Thank you again.

[Rejected Rosebud]

Whoa!! I have to admit that I got confused in your thread but I think that you might be imagining everything and nobody's talking about you or thinking you are a homewrecker, or using you for a tool in their marital troubles, I think you might be running with your imagination!! Just rewind a little bit!! Or, a LOT. The "main dad" was flirting with you, you reacted in a way you aren't comfortable with, awkward, maybe gross of him, but just have good boundaries and carry on with your job professionally!! Don't buy into all this drama!! And STOP talking about it with co-workers for SURE!! :eek:

[preraph]

If I was going to talk to anybody it would be the administrator or whoever she or he might talk to about problems. I think his wife caught him and he scapegoated you. I think he's a seasoned player.

 

The mistake you made was continuing to "let him in" when you already knew he was a big flirt. AT that point, you should have pulled way back and kept it strictly professional and as little contact as possible.

 

Try to steer completely clear of both these parents. That wife clearly has blinders on and isn't going to blame her cheating husband for anything and probably thrives on getting teachers in trouble. And he certainly can't be trusted. Try not to interact with them at all. If anything overt happens that you can document and take to the administrator, someone accuses you openly or whatever, take it to the administrator and get it out in the open. Do NOT admit you found the guy hot or flirted with him, whatever you do!! If nothing overt happens, then you don't really have a lasting problem.

[SycamoreCircle]

I feel like so much of your post is what happened in your imagination. I also think you've somehow psyched yourself into this frame of mind. If you had a more secure sense of self-esteem, these suspicions could be buried.

 

There's no reason you can't go back to work Monday, assured in your mind that you never had any kind of relations with this man, and do your job confidently and at peace.

 

Aim towards that.

 

I do agree with preraph that you are guilty of letting this guy in. It sounds to me that you have an underdeveloped social life. You need to be doing things that begin to augment a sense of yourself as a mature, developed, sexual woman OUTSIDE of work. That can be as simple as going out with girlfriends to a bar and having a drink. Just something that allows your sexual self expression.

 

Also, as my mom likes to say "People are most usually thinking about themselves and could care less what you're up to." You might do well to consider that.

[Pearl27]

If I was going to talk to anybody it would be the administrator or whoever she or he might talk to about problems. I think his wife caught him and he scapegoated you. I think he's a seasoned player.

 

The mistake you made was continuing to "let him in" when you already knew he was a big flirt. AT that point, you should have pulled way back and kept it strictly professional and as little contact as possible.

 

Try to steer completely clear of both these parents. That wife clearly has blinders on and isn't going to blame her cheating husband for anything and probably thrives on getting teachers in trouble. And he certainly can't be trusted. Try not to interact with them at all. If anything overt happens that you can document and take to the administrator, someone accuses you openly or whatever, take it to the administrator and get it out in the open. Do NOT admit you found the guy hot or flirted with him, whatever you do!! If nothing overt happens, then you don't really have a lasting problem.

 

There's a lot that I regret now. Like I said, I was in denial. But now I'm kicking myself.

 

Yeah, avoiding them like the plague is the best thing. Actually, it sounds more than perfect to me!

 

I feel like so much of your post is what happened in your imagination. I also think you've somehow psyched yourself into this frame of mind. If you had a more secure sense of self-esteem, these suspicions could be buried.

 

There's no reason you can't go back to work Monday, assured in your mind that you never had any kind of relations with this man, and do your job confidently and at peace.

 

Aim towards that.

 

I do agree with preraph that you are guilty of letting this guy in. It sounds to me that you have an underdeveloped social life. You need to be doing things that begin to augment a sense of yourself as a mature, developed, sexual woman OUTSIDE of work. That can be as simple as going out with girlfriends to a bar and having a drink. Just something that allows your sexual self expression.

 

Also, as my mom likes to say "People are most usually thinking about themselves and could care less what you're up to." You might do well to consider that.

 

I am overreacting to this, I know. But I don't think I'm imaging things. Just blowing them out of proportion.

 

I am not going to quit my job over this. I never entertained the thought.

 

I do have a social life, though I had been depressed in recent months. So that is why I haven't social or sexual lately. I've been getting back out there, though. This was all a wake-up call for me to take better care of myself. Sucks I could've handled this better.

[Gloria25]

You can't stop people from talking...

 

What you can do is don't and/or stop giving them something to talk about.

 

You said it yourself, you indulged some flirtation and yep body language doesn't lie. When two people are attracted/interested/seeing each other - other people can pick up on it quick.

 

I don't think you should avoid the gossipy parents. IMO, you should engage them. Be sweet...befriend them (like keep your enemies closer). Cuz, if you start acting funny towards them, that's just gonna fuel the fire and even make them and other think that they were right about you cuz you are getting an attitude.

 

Also, stop doing things that give the impression of anything. Don't greet the fathers or whatever when they come to pick up their kids. If you have to have like a PTA type thing, enlist a volunteer and/or even one of the parents (female only) to "help" you so you have a 2nd person present who got your back if you "have" to talk to the dads and who can vouch that you aren't flirting or anything if rumors start.

[SycamoreCircle]

Have you ever considered joining a gym? Depending on the gym, there's a kind of unspoken(or spoken:-)) sexual atmosphere which pervades. The guy doing dumbbell curls is throwing glances at your butt while you do squats. Coupled with a routine that strengthens your body and helps you become more shapely---it can do a lot for your self-esteem.

[MidwestUSA]

Pearl, I feel for you, but I also see a lot of things built up in your head, to an extraordinary degree.

 

I've checked your posting history, and I think you need to get back to some of your ideas on working on your self esteem, as well as looking into a life coach. Some understanding as to how your family of origin left you hanging out there would probably be quite helpful as well.

 

Meanwhile, just go in and do your job. YOU are the only one thinking of this 24/7. As sycamore said, everyone else has other things on their minds.

 

Hang in there and good luck!

[Pearl27]

You can't stop people from talking...

 

What you can do is don't and/or stop giving them something to talk about.

 

You said it yourself, you indulged some flirtation and yep body language doesn't lie. When two people are attracted/interested/seeing each other - other people can pick up on it quick.

 

I don't think you should avoid the gossipy parents. IMO, you should engage them. Be sweet...befriend them (like keep your enemies closer). Cuz, if you start acting funny towards them, that's just gonna fuel the fire and even make them and other think that they were right about you cuz you are getting an attitude.

 

Also, stop doing things that give the impression of anything. Don't greet the fathers or whatever when they come to pick up their kids. If you have to have like a PTA type thing, enlist a volunteer and/or even one of the parents (female only) to "help" you so you have a 2nd person present who got your back if you "have" to talk to the dads and who can vouch that you aren't flirting or anything if rumors start.

 

I won't get an attitude. I'll just keep it professional, but don't go out of my way to say hello. I do that with some of parents, and its no big deal. I also used to do it with this father, and its wasn't any issue. A lot of the staff are this friendly with the parents. Which is why I can't avoid greeting them during pick-up. It's part of my job to be this welcoming. All I can do is be cordial and professional, and nothing more.

 

Have you ever considered joining a gym? Depending on the gym, there's a kind of unspoken(or spoken:-)) sexual atmosphere which pervades. The guy doing dumbbell curls is throwing glances at your butt while you do squats. Coupled with a routine that strengthens your body and helps you become more shapely---it can do a lot for your self-esteem.

 

I go to a gym, but its a woman's gym since that's all I can afford and it has right what I need. OK, I'm not meeting guys there but at least I have everything. I am taking bellydancing classes. I've done it before and it always made me feel good, sexually, physically, even spiritually. Yeah, I'm not meeting guys there either, but at least I'm expressing myself.

 

I think my biggest problem is that I've spent years trying to be something that I wasn't, and it was difficult to find a good guy for me, because I wasn't being honest with myself at all. Now that I am being more honest, I can see where exactly I can go to find a guy who is the type I would date. But I hesitate because I feel like I'm too old to kind of go through a second adolescence where I get to know myself and find my place in the world. I believe the reason why I have low self-esteem is because I have not been honest with myself, and you can't be kind to yourself if you deny who you are. But, I gotta do what I gotta do.

[SycamoreCircle]

Good for you for doing the gym. Yeah, I don't think it's important that men be there. As long as you're happy with it.

 

And good for you for identifying this as a revelation about who you are! There's a Cocteau Twins song, "Know who are at every age."

I like that. There's also a saying by Lao Tzu, "When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be."

 

Personally, I've always found traveling and keeping a journal where I record my thoughts and impressions, however mundane, helped me feel in touch with myself. I know teachers get vacation time in the summer. Something to think about...:-)

[Lurkeraspect]

I can understand what you're going through, to a point.

 

I am a single mom, who drops off and picks up my elementary school age child at a small private school. I don't flirt, I make small talk, but I keep my distance because, like you, have felt that some of the disdain (can't put my finger on the word) from the parents, mostly supposed happily married moms. I'm in no way interested in their husbands, yet just because they are there for pickup and we talk about the weather, it could be perceived as a threat. Whatever...

 

It's not your problem.

 

Just do your job, keep everything above board and press on. People will always talk, and that's not your problem. If this man is a flirt, his wife likely knows exactly that. Just be cordial, do your job and leave that at work. I wouldn't feel the need to bring any of this to anyone's attention. You've done nothing wrong. And changing jobs won't take this sort of element out of your life. There will always be married men who flirt, imagined or not. What matters is how you react to it.

[whichwayisup]

The big problem here is that I was a little flattered with the attention. I have to confess that I've found him rather attractive. A few other co-workers have admitted that he's one of the "hot dads" at the school, and have innocently flirted a bit with him. But that's as far as it got, and I highly doubt that anyone would consider pursuing him or anyone at the school. As for me, yeah I've gotten the butterflies and even hot-blooded from him, but I could never get involved with a married man. I don't want to be known as the other woman, and the drama and chaos that an affair brings on is not worth it. Besides, most married men never run off with their mistresses and the OW is basically a piece of meat, and that's not what I aim to be.

 

Those co workers who have also flirted with him NEED to have your back.

 

Down play it. If someone says something to you, just say "Holy shi.t, the guy is cute. Big deal, he flirted with me and flirted back. He's married with children, hello. Not interested in that type of thing."

 

So you enjoyed his flirting, you didn't lust after him or chase him, you didn't meet up with him off school hours, you didn't have sex, you didn't text him or sneak off and kiss at school either.

 

People will gossip and assume the worst. Eventually they will tire of it and forget. Focus on yourself, your students and just stay away from flirting at work. Keep it professional and have tight boundaries with everybody.

[preraph]

If the kid of that dad and mom is in one of your classes, get him transferred out and be sure he doesn't get in next semester. You shouldn't have to talk to either of them even professionally after how they've both acted.

[Gloria25]

Those co workers who have also flirted with him NEED to have your back.

 

No they don't...

 

Just cuz everyone's jumping off a bridge doesn't mean you should follow them - cuz as you see, when you faceplant on the concrete, they run off and cover their own butts.

 

"We" are responsible for our actions.

[Pearl27]

Thanks everyone.

 

Firstly, I am not a teacher but an administrative assistant. But my position still requires me to interact with the parents often, such as helping out with fundraising activities and so on. I'm not the kind of secretary who is in the background like in some schools. This is the culture here.

 

Also, I do regret now speaking to that other teacher. Even though I didn't name names, I now see that was not a smart idea. Granted, I was feeling stressed and I did feel better once I told her. I am hoping she says nothing and forgets what I said, because she does prefer to keep to herself and talk about her own problems. That's a plus. But there's now that risk. But I am thinking that if anything does happen, at least I told someone.

 

I know I'm not imaging all this, but I do see how I'm unnecessary stressed out over this. This is for two reasons: there's a lot of problems at work and it is a very dysfunctional place to be in, so I felt like this was one more problem to face and I was like, "oh no, it never ends here!" Another reason was years ago, a close friend was the target of a smear campaign at her job, where she was wrongly accused of sleeping her way to the top, and she believes that cost her a promotion. So, when all this happened, I was wondering if I was heading for the same problem.

 

I am going to continue to keep things professional and move on. I'll just live my life, and keep going. As for those parents, I'll only talk when I have to as part of my job. I can't not avoid them even if I wanted to, so I need to be cordial while I'm still here. I am job hunting, but not because of this incident.

Edited March 8, 2015 by Pearl27

[No Limit]

If you're out of that environment at some point anyway you really shouldn't worry too much. But yeah, you're not alone - being the daughter of a single mom it was very easy to see how "happily married women" reacted when she was around - avoided her like the plague or sent their husbands to fetch something so they won't see her. Kind of sad, especially considering that 3 of those fathers also tried to get all flirty with my mom - without success though because we're of a "neighbour ethnicity" and my mom thinks they're all unattractive or downright ugly!

 

Hell, it's even fun to see couples when they're not married. While on vacation at the beach I went back to my place after fetching a cold drink, and there was a girl sitting with her BF on a bench. I barely paid them any attention until that girl wrenched his head around to kiss him real quick, most violent kiss I've ever seen.

[Pearl27]

Like I said a few times in this thread, I have a lot of regrets. I'm starting to think that another reason why I "let him in" was because my workplace is not a pleasant place to be in for a number of reasons. As I've mentioned, I had been feeling depressed for months, so when he made a move on me, it felt like there was something positive to look forward to. Which was totally stupid, now that I think about it. I knew it was totally wrong, and I was upset that he was doing this while married with kids. But another part of me just wanted something good to happen during my workday. I guess being depressed made me feel unattractive, so to get this attention boosted my spirits somewhat.

 

I know, this is completely immature and dumb. I'm really angry at myself, and dreading tomorrow. Chances are, it could be just another day and I'll carry on professionally. But I made a lot of mistakes here, some of them due to already existing personal problems. I screwed up, and I'm hoping its not something that will ruin me forever. It just goes to show that I need to mindful of myself regarding men whenever I go through a long-term depressed episode. I don't want to make this same mistake again.

[preraph]

Be very formal when dealing with him and his wife from now on. Who cares if they sense you are pissed off? You have every right to be indignant. Maybe it will make her think again about who did what here.

[Josmatjes]

I always try to live by this statement...

 

"What other people think of me, is none of my business"

 

Just go about your day and focus on your job or your going to lose it. People don't like drama. Act like you don't know what's going on and don't look at him anymore!