in love with gay male best friend (and I'm a girl!!)

[janie105]

Mishy,

 

I spent some time with my 'friend' yesterday, and the topic of dating was brought up. He started talking about the kind of guy he was looking for and I encouraged him to do the online dating thing (much like what you did). He pretty much agreed that he should start doing that, and for some reason I felt more like I was talking to a girlfriend more than a guy that I'm interested in.

 

Don't get me wrong at all, I probably still have feelings for him. But they're dramatically lessened than they were from a few days ago.

 

Thanks everyone, for all of your sharing, help, and support. It has helped tremendously, probably more than you can imagine.

[mishy]

janie,

 

good on ya

 

 

mishy

[jenny0000]

new to this site, very inspiring and helpful.

 

I'm in same boat, but slightly different. I'm completely infatuated with my "friend" who I'm assuming is gay. Met him approx 7 yrs ago and we've been best friends, attached to hip and what not. He's very attractive 34 yr old, very religous and conservative, extremely intellectual- never has had a girlfriend, ever. Trying to put this all in nutshell really. Anyway, he's never told me he's gay, but I get red flags time to time. We've never discussed romantic feelings toward each other.

I've moved recently and it's tearing me apart to not be with him. I cannot for the life of me move on. My interest in other men is nil. I've tried, but my "friend" is always on my mind. He's come to visit me recently (flew across country) and it's made it harder for me. I'm confused and miserable. Thinking about writing a card and spilling the beans. But what do I say? I feel that coming out and asking him if he's gay is awkward and would maybe offend him even if he is gay as crazy as it sounds, I really think he struggles with this. --Jenny

[mishy]

I don't think you should ask him if he is gay because he might not even know himself.

 

But i do think that you should tell him how you feel. You should spill the beans and tell him EXACTLY what you told me. You really have nothing to lose. It sounds like you've been friends long enough so that the friendship will survive it. I mean in terms of how you are feeling now, how is it going to make it worse?? You will feel really relieved once you've told him.

 

Heres the other thing - have you ever thought that maybe he thinks that YOU are the one thats gay? I mean you said you have no interest in other men- so what do you think thats saying to him??

 

Take the risk - don't wish years from now that you had told him that you love him - life is too short.

[jenny0000]

Not sure how he would react if I told him. and cetrtainly couldnt do this face-to-face or even over the phone! So I resort to the card- know that sounds bad. Not sure if he would even respond to something like that. One would think as close as we are that I would know 1)whether he was gay or straight 2)how he would respond to something.

As far as him thinking I'm gay, no. In fact in the early years we knew each other I had dated 1 or 2 guys before we really started clinging. I've brought it out in conversations that i'm straight (whether it's about a future husband or something). I know this sounds like a lame question, but is there any sort of sign at all that I would get the hint he was gay? People that know him, mostly other women he works with think he is gay, a few do not think so. Also, Is there any hint that he would be interested in long-term? I ask bc I'm preparing to move again more permanant (which in the first place I had to move for career) and i'd move back where he is if there was a glimmer of hope. There are 2 other cities I would move to that much more appealing than where I came from.

 

It's just so hard to move on. I say that i'm not interested in other men bc they don't even hold a flame to my friend. One guy here did last for ~2 months but it ended actually bc my "friend" was coming to visit me, it was a nice, long visit and no way I could have hid it from new guy. New guy didnt like the whole idea, even though I explained we're not romantic.

 

Well anyway, I'm babbling but writing this card to him is hard not knowing what it could result in. I dont want to freak him out if he just sees me as a great friend but he also has no experience with the ladies. I'm not sure he would even know how to approach me if he always has been interested. agghh, so frustrating. --Jenny

[KnottyGrrl]

Jenny-

 

I definitely agree with Mishy that you should tell him how you feel. It sounds like this would be a great time to see how he feels and give him a chance to talk about his feelings about you, relationships, etc... You two have been friends long enough that he obviously cares about you enough that telling him wouldn't cost you your friendship. Even if he turned out to be gay, or not and just wanted to be friends, you would know and have gotten this off of your chest. Any relationship, love or friend, benefits from honesty and openness.

 

Good Luck,

Knotty Grrl

[mishy]

i would say write the card if thats what will be more comfortable to you . Actually you can really take some time and consider more about what you want to say than doing it in person.

 

Keep it simple though. You could ease into it by thinking how much he means to you as a friend and writing about that and then saying that thats the reason why you feel like you want something more. And also add a no pressure thing where if he doesn't feel the same way you will still be his friend and you won't revisit the issue with him.

 

Do you sleep in the same bed? I would say that if you have been doing that for quite a while and he hasn't tried anything then that would be a safe bet that he is gay.

 

I suppose you could also tell if he's gay in that - have there been "opportunities" like a cosy dinner, camping in the bush under starry nights, you know romantic type occasions where you would have expected something might happen and nothing has? Like you were left wanting?? Then that could mean he is gay also. Its kind of a feeling that you get that gee that would have been perfect if only we'd......... Thats the feeling i used to get.

 

But heres some added irony from my situation- ok i told my friend that i'm ok with him and his boyfriend and that i told him i don't feel the same way about him now. That was about three weeks ago.

 

Just after that he started having these huge arguments with his boyfriend and saying he is confused about me because i don't feel the same way now and because our friendship is not like a normal friendship. But he said he was gay so i don't know what that is about.

 

Write the letter. But write it and then sit on it for a few days and then look at it again, just remembering that you don't want to sound clingy or intense. Start of by saying what you think about him as a person, and make it really sweet but simple. Put it on here if you want and i'll read it. I've sent a few letters to my friend as well during my ordeal and i just made them really positive and i think it helped us .

[jenny0000]

mishy- you've given some great advice, really good points you brought up. Things I should know but sort of blind to things when I'm actually in the situation rather than an outsider. What you say about being in an ideal romantic situation, yet being left hanging...very true. We lay in bed all the time (or we did) and watch movies, but there almost an imaginary line we didnt cross. Go out to dinners alot, always going to other folks weddings together, go out of town and stay at hotels, go hiking...nothing ever happens. anyway, at work right now suddenly need to get along, was going to write more. Ireally want to thank you mishy for taking time to reply. Definetly keep you posted and may do the card tomorrow. I do appreciate your thoughts - J

[Mariana]

I have the same exact problem as you Mishy. My "Will" is also a coworker of mine, and I have known him for over a year. We actually dated at first before he came out of the closet ( although he claims to be bi). He is in a relationship with another male right now, but I still sort of have feelings for him. They went away for awhile, but they are back, and I am so scared that I have a serious problem! I think the main problem is that he always tells me how pretty I am, and how he loves being around me. You are definitely right that it is the feminine attributes they have that probably attract us to them. That totally makes sense. Can you give me some advice?

[mishy]

Mariana

 

i know exactly how you feel.

 

The more time you spend with him while this issue is unresolved the more attracted to him u will become.

 

The thing is also, regardless of him being gay or bi the fact is that he is going out with someone ELSE! So you really beating your head against a brick wall because he is unavailable anyway.

 

To be honest, if this happened to me all over again i would be more up front with the guy a lot earlier- AND when he is telling you you are pretty etc - pull him up on it and say hey that gives me mixed signals- don't say it because its not fair on my feelings- unless you are interested in me genuinely too..... But i don't really know how close you are and whether you could be that blunt. But you know what I mean? Don't waste your time on someone you really can't have and who also might be just getting an ego boost from all the attention....

[archbean]

i know how you all feel as well. my gay friend is not only my closest friend but also my only friend here at college. i met him over the summer at orientation, and then again at the beginning of the term. i liked him right away, and gradually i realized i was in love with him, which is very unusual for me, to have feelings that strong. a few days later he told me he's gay, and it was really hard for me to accept. i still haven't really, but i don't want to tell him that, or how i feel, especially because of something he told me a few weeks ago. in high school, when he was still trying to be straight, he dated a girl who fell in love with him. he told me how awful it felt to have to break up with her knowing how she felt, and what a horrible person he still thinks he is, for making her think he was straight. he still hasn't explained to her why, because he doesn't want to hurt her feelings, and i don't want to tell him how i feel, because i don't want him to feel like he's horrible again. he's such a wonderful person, the only one who's ever been here for me when i need it most, and he's the only person i've ever wanted to date, let alone fallen in love with. it's really hard, because we're together all the time, in classes, eating, studying, and just hanging out. i don't know what i should do, i know he'd feel terrible if i told him, but it just keeps almost slipping out, and it's getting harder and harder to not just give him a hug or tell him how much i love him. i've tried ignoring it, and i've tried to be interested in other guys, but no one is as wonderful as he is. what should i do?

[archbean]

i know how you all feel, and it is such an awful feeling. it seems worse for me, because i have never loved anyone before, or even liked anyone that way ever. i met him at the beginning of college, and we've been very close ever since. close as in neither of us have any other friends, just acquaintances on campus, though we do have friends from home. maybe a month or two ago i realized that my feelings had changed to actual love, or at least what i am very certain is love. a few days later, he told me he's gay. looking back, i'm thankful it was an im conversation, because i really didn't handle it well, i was so confused about what i should do and how i should feel. i have no problem with gay people, but it was a real blow to find out that he is. at first i tried to convince myself it was just a joke, then that he wasn't really and just thought he was, both of which are completely ridiculous and i'm ashamed i even thought them. now i accept that he is gay, but i don't accept that i'm in love with him, because i very much don't want to hurt this much. i have tried ignoring my feelings, i have tried to accept them, i have talked to another close friend who understands where i'm at, but nothing seems to help. i know i should let him know, but i don't want to hurt him too. he told me a few weeks ago about when he was trying to be straight and dated a girl friend, who fell in love with him, and how he feels like such a horrible person for leading her on and then having to dump her because he doesn't like girls that way. he still hasn't told her the real reason he broke up with her. even if i didn't love him, i still wouldn't want to inflict that guilty pain on him, because it isn't his fault, and it isn't my fault either, neither of us asked for this, it just happened, and i'm not quite sure why. mostly because he is such a wonderful person in every way, and that's not just because i love him, he really is wonderful! he's the only person i completely trust, or even really trust at all, except for me not telling him how very much i care. yesterday we were talking about the purpose of life, and he said that his purpose is to be an architect, and to be here for me, not because he has to, but because he wants to. if we had been talking in person at the time, i would have cracked and given him the hug i've been holding back. i still am not sure how that makes me feel: special because he cares that much, or horrible because he feels like he needs to be here for me, even if he wants to, which makes me feel loved again, and then so guilty, and on and on. i wonder if he even has a clue, because he keeps asking me what's wrong, because i'll say things like "out damned spot", just giving myself commands and trying to stop loving him so much, and he might realize what i'm talking about, because i refuse to tell him, and say i might tell later when it's irrelevant. which it never will be, but i hope it will be less painful later, and then maybe i can explain, and make him feel better by being able to say i'm mostly over it. o joyous day that will be

[renaissancewoman101]

When I first saw this topic, I was like "oh my god, someone else has gone through sometime like I have". Well, my case is odd because I am still on very good terms with the gay guy even though he has a bf. I am his emotional support. It hasnt helped me in my own dating scene though. It was a major factor in doing in my recent relationship of two years, but I trust my best friend (the gay guy) the most.

 

In my junior year in college, my friends set me up with a classmate of their's that I had seen and kinda liked. He was nice, kind, a bit self-centered, but trendy and classy, but also empathatic to women. We went on a few dates and developed a relationship. Our relationship lasted for a long time. We never kissed but we held hands, hugged, etc. He was constantly consumed with school and with other things that were bugging him in his life. I did my best to be there for him and I tried to make life as easy for him as possible while he went through school. He leaned on me for emotional support and he gave me the somewhat love and companionship I needed. He was the first person I ever fell in love with. We did stuff (sexually) but we never had "sex". We did that for a time, but he was very uncomfortable with is so we stopped. Everybody, his friends and my friends, thought we were a couple. We went out to eat, traveled, did things together as a couple would. He was strange in that he never bought me things and he wasnt really affectionate. But, I didnt care because I didnt know any better. He was the first person I ever dated. I went to an all girls high school and my parents were strict about not letting me date in high school. I graduated college a year before he did and he asked me to stay and wait for him. I stayed and waited for him to finish college. Meanwhile, our relationship was getting weird. He always looked at guys and at male porn, which I found weird, but I never put two and two together. He also seemed frustrated about life a lot and would take it out on me, his frustrations, which bothered me a lot and scared me. When he graduated college, he took the summer off and we spent the summer traveling around, and having a lot of fun. In the fall he found a job and asked me to move in with him as a roommate. I was overjoyed and said "sure".

 

The week he started his job and a few days before we were to move in together, he takes me to a park and sits next to me and begins to cry. He cries to me about how confused he is about his life, how he hates his new job, and how scared he is. THen he tells me he thinks he may be gay. (We were sitting on a bridge over some train tracks when he was telling me this and I still remember the train coming under us just as he was telling me he thought he was gay. I wanted so much to throw him over the bridge). He tells me that he doesnt know what to do and is confused about his life. He then tells me that he needs me and doesnt want me to leave. I told him that I wasnt leaving and that I would be there for him.

 

When he first told me he could be gay, I was like "yeah right". I took it with a grain of salt and stayed with him. THings were the same for a while until he saw a dating ad online for a guy. He met up with the guy and he fell in love with the guy. WHen he told me that he found a bf, my world fell apart and I almost died. My friend told me that he didnt want me to leave his life and that he wanted me around. SO, I stayed. He dated the guy and leaned on me for emotional advice and support. That was one of the hardest things I had to do, give emotional support to a guy that I still loved and watch him fall in love with someone else and do stuff with the other person that I wanted him to do with me. But, I was loyal and stuck with him and he depended on me for emotional support. After a while, his new bf became jealous of him depending on me for emotional support and he tried to get my friend to choose between him or me. That was a hard time in my life for my best friend was put into a situation that nealy killed him. To the consternation of his bf, my best friend refused to dump me out of his life. He insisted on keeping me around and the bf tried his damndest to get me out of their lives. After a few months, we settled into an uneasy truce where I was still there and I kinda became their sidekick. That went on for a few years, with a lot of ups and downs, where jealousy would flare up on either my side or his bf's side every so often.

 

Two years ago, I decided to try and strike out on my own and I found a bf (who I post about on here since he broke up with me three months ago from a two year relationship). I fell head over heels for this guy even though he was so incompatible with me, because he gave me all the emotional support and affection that I lacked with my best friend. But, my heart was still with my best friend, and my current bf could tell that. It caused a lot of friction in my current relationship because I still put my best friend first in a lot of things. Consequently, that contributed in a big part to the demise of my relationship, although I had somewhat lost my feelings for my ex too.

 

Now, my best friend has moved away to CA and is asking me to move out there and I have agreed. I am not going to live in the same city as the best friend, but live two hours away, so I can develop my own life and find a new relationship. But, I still love my best friend very much.