Guys, can you cheat and honestly still love your wife? Is it possible?

[harleygirl92156]

Five years ago my husband worked with mostly women. About six months after he started the job he and "the girls" would go out and have a few beers after work and he would often not come home until 8 or 9, for or five hours after he got off from work. I ofcourse suspected he was cheating on me and I confronted him about it often. He eventually left the job, but the suspected cheating during that time was still and issue between us.

 

Well, two and half years after he left that job, he did have a one year affair with a co-worker. I will add, he had a drinking problem that started when he was working with the women and esculated to the point of treatment being required just four months ago. During treatment he came clean about the affair with the co-worker.

 

He says the reason he cheated were numerous, but the main reason was because I accused him of cheating when he hadn't. He figured if I thought he cheated and accused him of it, he might as well. He also says it was because of his drinking, he felt guilty, I was not understanding about the drinking and she was because she has a drinking problem as well, I nagged and she didn't, she made no demands on him, they were only sexual three times in a year. I know they were because I spoke with the other women and her account of what happened is exactly the same as his and they haven't spoken for over 8 months because she no longer works there or lives in the area.

 

Ok, my questions is more to the guys. Why do you cheat, how can you cheat if you truely love your wife? Is it possible? Do you not realize you love her until the love is threatened? Just wondering. I love him and considered revenge, but that would only drag me to his level and I don't want to even get close to that.

 

Guys, tell me what your experience has been, thanks

[LucreziaBorgia]

Some men can compartmentalize their love. I've heard them called 'cakemen'. The type of 'love' he has for you is not the type of 'love' he has for his OW. He can't love his OW the same way he loves you, and he can't love you the same way he loves his OW. That's why a good deal of men who cheat will do so, but will never leave their wives - because he loves and needs the W in ways that the OW can never fulfill. Unfortunately, the W can't fulfill the needs and love he has for his OW either - so, he continually cheats.

 

You and the OW are like puzzle pieces to this guy's psyche - you fit in a certain place, and the OW fit in a certain place(s) - the pieces cannot fit in each other's slot, and he needs them both to have a 'whole picture'.

 

The OW is usually the loser in this situation. This guy has a W and doesn't need another one - and when the ultimatum comes, the OW will get dumped and the search will start for another one. As long as she knows her place in the relationship and doesn't violate the boundaries - then he will continue to see her until he's bored with her. She can choose to leave, but he will make it difficult if he's still getting what he needs from her. The W position is miserably safe with this guy. The only way it will end is if the W ends it, or if the H loses what love he does have for her and transfers it over to the OW (who can expect to be cheated on as well unless the guy starts hardcore therapy).

 

Can it be fixed? With a good deal of patience, counseling and understanding it can. But... if the H doesn't want things to be fixed, then they never will and any attempts will be wasted effort. A man who doesn't want to fix things will go through counseling and whatnot - but only to placate his W to do what is necessary to keep her. Then he continues to see OW - or at the very least continues to want to.

 

What can a W do in a situation like this? It depends on if the H wants to change.

 

If he wants to change:

Marriage counseling and individual counseling

No contact with OW

Full disclosure of his whearabouts and you are entitled to spy on him

He shows effort and improvement, or you will divorce him

 

If he doesn't want to change:

Continue to be married to a guy who makes you miserable, and under his conditions.

Divorce him.

[Cecelius]

I hate to say this, but it depends on what you mean by love.

 

A man can have a body of affection for his wife, care for her, be attracted to her and be generally interested in her wellbeing, etc., and still bang another chick. Whether what I have described is "love" or not is debateable. I also agree that it's morally questionable.

[PatientOne]

yes

[whichwayisup]

Depends on which head he's thinking with.

 

Men CAN separate "inlove" sex with regular "f***ing sex". That is how they can go and be with another woman.

 

Some men develope feelings for OW, some don't. Over a certain amont of time there has to be some form of emotional attachment. That 'rush' and 'crush like' feeling can easily be thought of as true love.

 

LOVE is...

 

Someone who cares for you when you're sick, will hold your head over the can while you throw up.

Someone who will put up with your moods, quirks, family, and all the other ups and downs in a marriage.

 

The OW doesn't get to see the in's and out's of his everyday life. She doesn't get to experience him in a fowl f'ing mood cuz nothing went right that day...

 

LB, what you said should be copy and pasted into the OW forum. ALL of it is SO bang on!

[Cookie Puss]

what the hell does this have to do with men? many girls i know can be in love and bang other guys.