How far has one gone for a second chance?

[upsetnhurt]

Curious to find out what lengths one has gone to win a second chance with an ex and was your attempts successful?

 

In my case I have chosen the NC route in order to get a healthy mindset back myself and a new life. The Ex-boyfriend who had previously dated my recent ex girlfriend for four years would not stop stalking us throughout our one year relationship. They had dated for four years. Outside of some screaming and showing up unannounced and sitting outside her house in his car, the majority of his abuse was directed to myself. He found out where I lived and had the audacity to glue my door locks shut twice, pour paint thinner all over my car and show up and bang on the doors of my home at the wee hours of the morning. This all occured while she was at home with me. I know deep down that his actions were meant to gain her attention yet that is no excuse for his actions at all!

 

To my dismay, my ex girlfriend and I eventually broke up as she determined that she was "emotionally unavailable" to me at the moment. I have had one conversation with her post breakup and she confirmed at the very least that she has remained in contact with her previous ex and still takes blame for his actions as she felt the heartbreak she caused him was enough to offset his short term insanity. According to her he was an upright citizen prior to their breakup. It would not surprise me in the least if they are back together today.

 

I just can't understand how someone would go back to a person who has handled himself in that manner. I thought when people break up as she dumped him, his additional pressure would simply push her farther away, not closer to him.

[upsetnhurt]

Any input would be appreciated.

[WithOrWithoutYou]

Your ex-GF obviously cared very deeply for her ex before you. It is quite possible that she never quite got over him. The fact that he broke down badly and started acting out when she left him could just be the way he deals with things, or it may even have been a manipulative tool to try to get her back (kind of the soft version of the very sick "if you don't get back with me, I'll kill myself" that some people have been known to try). That's just speculation on my part though, I really do not know enough about the situation to comment much on that.

 

Your supposition that she is probably back with the ex before you is well-founded I think. It may or may not be the case, but is a very strong possibility based on the information you have provided. You may never know the reasons she is back with him if that is in fact the case. She may be back with him because she always loved him, and realized how much she missed him when she was with you (I know, makes you feel like a million bucks if that is the case, but these things happen), or he may have used his pattern of dirty tricks to get her attention, then once he got her on the phone proceeded to lay a tremendous guilt trip on her, and combined with her residual feelings, she may be back with him as one more shot at "doing the right thing" and making that work. Since her ex ex sounds like an abusive-type personality, that may be most of the explanation if she is back with him right there - 99% of the time, they go back for more. As for why she would go back to someone who conducts himself in that manner, don't try to figure it out. I have seen good people go back to monsters who have done things FAR worse than anything you have described. You never will figure it out, and all thinking about it will do is tear you up inside.

 

Then again, she may just feel really bad about what happened to her ex ex, thinks her life is really mixed up right now, and just doesn't feel like she can be in any relationship with ANYONE (not you, not the ex ex, or anyone else). Obviously, if this is the case, you didn't mean enough to her to stay with you and try to stick it out, and you were not the person she wanted to talk through her problems with, but don't feel too bad about it, as we've all been there. I kind of doubt this is it though, especially if she has maintained contact with Mr. dirty tricks.

 

Implicit in any of these possibilities, is that it probably wouldn't have worked out anyway. Either she is was deeply in love with her ex ex (which means she didn't love you nearly enough to make it great), or if he actually was abusive to her, she was one of those people who always gravitates towards abusive relationships, and doesn't know how to relate to someone who actually treats her like a human being (those people are out there, trust me). Whatever the cause of your breakup, based on what you have told us so far, it sounds like it was probably for the best.

 

I think what probably bothers you most, is the prospect that she is very likely back with him, even after what he did, and you never did any of the things he did, and you were good to her, etc., yet she still left. I don't know what to tell you there. I know it is a rotten feeling to feel like some other guy who is really a jerk and a piece of human garbage has been successful at playing his very evil and devious games when you were not playing any, and has manipulated your girl into leaving you (been there too), and probably still does not truly treat her right if they are together, but at some point, you have to acknowledge that it takes two, that there really is nothing you can do without her help, and move on.

[Skullcrusher]

Franklin Delanor Roosevelt, one of the best US and world leader of all time had a very long affair with a woman he's always lived since his 20s. So why did he marry that ugly lesbo Eleanor? Because his mom threatened to withhold financing for his political career unless he married the lesbo. So he married her and he still wrote letters, still visited his former lover and the former lover also did the same for many many years.

 

On his deathbed, his own daughter arranged a meeting without letting her mother know that FDR only wanted to see his real love before he died. Eleanor was very angry but FDR probably knew Eleanor was a butch lesbo since she was also having an affair with another ugly woman.

 

Case to point Prince Charles and his ugly mistress. Diana was hot so why did Charles go for someone less attractive? It's because of "true love" that they both mutually know where they come from and know each other deeply that even if one person was ever married to another person it doesn't mean a thing because a lot of people marry or form relationships not based on love, but based on commodity.

 

Bro, you were just in a relationship just to fulfill that commodity. Move on.