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Finding Myself Again


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hopelessromantic89

I have never posted in this section before, but I thought I would give it a go.

 

I just turned 26, I know I am still young but I became extremely depressed about it. It isn't the thought of getting older, I have no problem with aging. But, I just thought I would be in a different place right now. Currently I am at community college still. I had studied marketing at a university but didn't want to do that for the rest of my life so I quit a semester before I was to graduate. Now, I study architecture (which I love) but I find it hard to continue to stay motivated. I guess...I just thought I would be at least starting my career now.

 

I have always battled with depression, and suicidal thoughts often run through my head. I attempted about 6 months ago, overdosed on everything I could find in my medicine cabinet. My roommate came home early that day and took me to the hospital. I am somewhat ashamed, especially because my friends have never seen that side of me before. I am very good at putting on a mask, pretending things are ok. I do enjoy my life and things around me, but I also think it would be so much easier. I suppose that's the easy way out. But I wake up and, most of the time, hate my life. I have been going to therapy now since my attempt, it helps and I am working on a lot of things. I see a change in me. But, I feel lost. Like I am floating around by myself in a fog heading nowhere.

 

I have been with someone now for nearly 2 years. My issues, especially dealing with trust, have been a major problem. I feel terrible for dragging other people down with me. He has helped me grow tremendously but sometimes I don't believe him when he tells me he loves me. Like...how can anyone possibly love me? It isn't fair to myself.

 

I guess I needed to just talk about things, maybe get some advice from others going through the same struggle. I envision myself as this positive person full of love for life, but I just can't become that.

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