Heartbroken and NC not possible

[LemonTree]

Like a lot of people, I never expected that this will happen to me. Right now I feel like I'm in a nightmare that I can't wake up to.

 

I have been with my husband for 12 years, married for 6 and no children. Though there was no strong physical attraction and chemistry for me even from the beginning, we got along well, he's a fantastic guy, loves me deeply and always took care of me. We hardly fought and communicated well. He's like my best friend. We have travelled the world together and settled back home 3 years ago. The only thing missing is the lack of physical intimacy. Sex had never been great and had been infrequent, partially because of my lack of physical attraction towards him and partially because he's fairly inexperienced with it too/still.

 

I was naturally a happy cheery person and I thought I had it all, great paying job, loving husband, supportive families, and great friends.

 

I met MM when I started a new job and we were assigned to work on the same project (just the 2 of us). We clicked from day 1, shared the same type of humour, interests and have similar personalities. We are both the quiet, shy and reserved type and yet we could not stop talking all day long (office communicator at work, and later on text messages for early morning and late night chats). We seemed to be always in our own world having the best time laughing at our own silly jokes, or have deep and meaningful conversations sharing our inner emotions, feelings and vulnerability. We discovered that we had an amazing and deep connection very early on which translated into crazy chemistry and mutual affection 2mths after we met. I experienced what it felt like to have butterflies in the stomach, tingling sensation whenever he grabbed my hands, how time had slowed when we lock eyes, and yet it flied when we spend time together.

 

As we spend more time working together, we have started staying back at work for chats after work, and then to having a drink or 2 on Friday nights. We both got a bit tipsy at drinks at one of the Friday nights and he kissed me. Over the next 2 weeks, the friendship/relationship between the 2 of us evolved at dizzying lightening speed. We talked through the kissing 'incident', confessed that we have strong attractions for each other but agreed that we should behave and just continue being close friends to each other. We were both people with strong willpowers but this time 'behaving' was more difficult than both of us had expected. We kissed 2 more times after that in the following 2 weeks, once without influence of alcohol (drugged by love) and at the end of week 2, the feelings were so strong that we have started contemplating the idea of leaving our families to be together. We agreed to sit on the idea over the next 6 weeks (with Christmas break included) to cool our heads and properly think things through. Figure out whether we truly know each other well and will be compatible as long term partners. We would then decide whether we want to pursue things further after the Christmas break.

 

MM's main consideration the whole time had been his wife. He married her as they get along well and she's a nice girl. They are however very different person with not very much in common and it was a relationship that just felt comfortable and it was time to settle. Her family and close friends are overseas and she's financially very dependant on him. She's also quite frail from what he described with depression problem.

 

Throughout the decision period, he'd always been sure that he wanted to be with me, but the biggest obstacle to him is whether he can do that to her. He felt great responsibility towards her.

 

Come decision day, we both agreed that we do want to be together and we need to be honest with our partners. It was from this point on that MM had been dragging his feet on committing a timeframe of when he would tell his wife. His main reason for unable to commit to a timeline was that he didn't want this to come as a surprise to her as it would ruin her, he wanted to make sure that she would be as ok as possible with proper support system in place and will be financially ok. Our first ever break (2 days) was when we had a fight over committing to a timeline 4 weeks after we have agreed that we want a future together. With the 2 days apart, MM decided to draw up a proposed timeline to have the conversation with her in 5 weeks which I agreed to.

 

In the meantime however, he was getting a lot of stress of dealing with some family issues and work had gotten busy that pretty much consumed all of his time and energy over the following 3 weeks. I had been supportive of him throughout the period as I knew how stressed he had been and did not bring up the topic much at all, trusting that he would work on it as soon as he can.

 

Then last week when he went on a pre-booked holiday overseas with his wife and another couple. I finally used the opportunity to ask him how he's going and whether he thinks he's strong enough to go through. That's when he told me that there's been too much distractions, obstacles (his wife's emotional state, lack of financial support and support from friends) and stresses that had slowed him down. He's not ready yet and he didn't think it was fair to keep me waiting so maybe we do have to leave it (no longer pursuing the option of being together).

 

I had mentally prepared for this somewhat but still felt nauseous and as if all the blood just got drained out of me in that instance. I had to go home from work to deal with the blow and the constant ache in my heart. It was as if someone just cut my heart out and left a huge hole behind. I was a mess and could not function at all whilst reading over his messages over and over again trying to make myself accept and let it sink in.

 

We had not talked for 5 days before he sent me a message to say hi to see how I'm doing, and explained that even though being with me is something that he truly wanted, right now, he can't make me any promises with unwavering certainties. He doesn't have the courage to go through with it yet and thought it's the best to take the hard decision to leave it, instead of changing deadlines and keep me waiting. Just as I thought I was slowly recovering, this contact made things all worse for me again. I struggle to let go, and I don't understand his logic of wanting something and yet letting lack of courage holding him back.

 

His interaction had always been very different with me than with other people or his wife. He had been very needy, even sometimes jealous over me when he's not the type normally. He loved sharing everything in his life with me and always tried to spend all his available time with me. We've never crossed the physical line but our emotional bonding and connection is as strong as you can get.

 

I know the forum says that most guys don't leave their wives. I know my whole story is exactly the same as a lot of other stories in this forum and I like many other OW, thought that this is unique and different and we can make through it. It saddens me that he's willing to give up on us so easily but I will just have to accept that it's not meant to be, and the outcome is probably the best and the right thing to do for both of us and our family.

 

I'm trying to deal with the wound on my own. There are few challenges however that I'm facing -

1. I'm trying to get over this but at the back of my mind, I still had the lingering hope that he might change his mind like the first time. I'm not sure how to remove this hope entirely. We talked and ended it whilst he was overseas. I've asked to talk through this in person with him and to get closure. Is that a stupid thing to do? What should I ask and what should I avoid doing?

 

2. I would have to continue to work on projects with him and that's not something I can change (it's unrealistic to change jobs given the job market). Although I will stop talking to him all together on personal matters, work related (and fairly frequent) interaction is unavoidable. I'm hoping that I can find the strength to work through this and be purely professional with him at work but I can only imagine what kind of torture it will be. Is it going to be possible to get over someone without NC?

 

2. My BH sensed that I was emotionally absent for the past 6 mths. He's currently away for work and asked to have a chat about our relationship and future together when he comes back in 2 weeks. I'm thinking of being honest with him on what happened. I love him a lot still as he's my family and my best friend after all, but I am extremely sad at the same time that after my unintended encounter with MM, I came to realise that passion was missing in my relationship the whole time. I had and will never feel the butterflies in the stomach, the sparks, the chemistry and the physical attraction with him no matter how hard I try. I can't bring something back that was not there to start and I'm extremely lost on how I should proceed. I'm not even sure whether he would forgive me for emotionally cheating on him.

 

Any help / support to get through this difficult period and any advices will be appreciated. I realise I acted in a selfish/reckless/inconsiderate manner towards my BH and MM's wife. I've always been very black and white and perhaps overly romantic in thinking that what we had was something special and meant to be and you only live once. This is something that will be better for all parties involved in the long run.

[whichwayisup]

Firstly, do be completely honest with your husband. You owe him the truth and really, he may be feeling the same way towards you..Not attracted to you, loves you but doesn't feel that passion a spouse should feel for the other. Now is the time to come clean. There IS a good chance he already knows/suspects so you lying, denying or hiding it will make it worse.

 

Were you expecting MM to tell his wife and then once told her you'd tell your husband about the affair and wanting to leave/divorce him to be with MM? Just wondering why you didn't take the lead and confess it all to your H first.

 

Anyway, MM isn't leaving his marriage. You both got caught up in the affair, the feelings and had a fantasy going but reality is, you're not going to. He does love his wife and wants to keep his family together and isn't willing to give up it all and start over again with you. Sorry that you're hurting. Best for you to keep things distance yet professional at work and cut him out of your life (NC!!) as much as possible.

 

An option is, separating from your husband regardless of what MM does or doesnt' do. You may love your H but not enough to stay faithful and want to continue a life with him. He'll hurt but he'll move on. Each of you deserve a special love and you're not feeling it for him do NOT stay out of obligation or pity.

[Ronnie33]

Welcome to LS. I'm so sorry that you are going through this pain but hopefully you will gain insight and the support you need from those here.

 

I want to tell you that everyone of us on here tha was in affair thought theirs was different. We all thought that ours was unique and once in a lifetime connection but after being on here awhile and going through your own pain you realize it wasn't any of those things. Yes you did feel a strong connection and yes he I'm sure does care about you immensely and would probably be with you if you both weren't married but timing is a bytch and it's not your time. I loved my AP and was unhappy on my marriage for years and still couldn't leave. I didn't want to hurt my son and I honestly was scared. Leaving a marriage is hard, especially when children are involved.

 

Going NC while you work together is going to be almost impossible because everytime you both see eachother you will want more again. I met my AP at work and when I left I thought that was going to make it easier to stop but we kept on. Now it is almost two year later and I wish that we never started this. It has been hell but getting out of it has been the hardest.

 

I never told my husband about the affair and I have my reasons ad would never push anyone to confess. It is totally your decision. I do think that if you really want to end it and move on that confessing might be your only way but be prepared that your husband might want you to leave your job.

 

Good luck and post here if you need to talk.

[privategal]

From my experience every talk between you and ap now, every text, every amount of wavering (which you both will do) wont matter.

His origional decision is what counts.

Theres nothing that happens that will be a win win. He loves her.

He had a reality check...he saw the situation clearly...he stepped down off cloud 9 and the fantasy and his heart and mind said "what are you doing?"

Unfortunately imo that doesn't mean he can perfectly stop caring 100% or stop longing...but he will teeter back and forth between that false love and fantasy land and back into reality.

This will be a long painful roller coaster ride.

When you were both swept up it was a magical fairy tale...and its reached the climax and reality has set in.

Id find a new job doesn't matter the economy, your health, your life and mental sanity matter more...Id possibly stay married to your best friend...marriage isnt butterflies...forbidden love is. But its your choice and disclosing is your choice. I didn't and others do.

See if you can get an appointment with a therapist to talk this all through.

I know you feel like this is love but it likely wasn't it was filling a void and feeling wanted.

Why would the universe deliver us a partner who is honestly not available?

It wouldn't. This was a mistake. Get out of it...let him be, block him, get a new job...get back to marriage or possibly divorce.

[jellybean89]

I'm confused on why you married your H. You claim no attraction to him, and from what I gather, you care about him but aren't in love with him. So why did you even date him, get engaged and marry him? Or are you rewriting your history to assuage your guilt over the emotional affair?

 

The MM is not leaving. You claim to know things about his wife...yet have you ever met her and spent time with her, or are you just telling us what MM told you? The same guy who has kissed you and future faked with you...you really believe his wife is this sad little woman who can't survive without her husband? Yet, here you are, a total mess, because the MM ended the affair...even having to leave work because you couldn't handle it. Sounds like you are the more delicate one than her. And you even have a fall back plan - your spouse - and yet you are a mess. I wouldn't believe any of the crap he has told you about his wife.

 

So he is off on vacation with his wife...which was more than likely planned during your affair. Doesn't even remotely sound like a guy who planned to leave his wife for you.

 

What should you do? Stop all the thoughts of meeting with him. That is just an excuse for you to plead with him to not end the affair. He has told you it is over. If you want to have false hope, go ahead, but I doubt anything will change. He's had months to change things, but he has not (and I don't buy this crap that he is soo busy..but not too busy to be texting with you). That is an excuse so he can put off dealing with your desire for him to end his marriage.

 

You definitely need to end your marriage. What you have done to your spouse is abusive, mental and emotional abuse. He deserves a wife who wants him, not someone who wants another man. Let him go. Your behavior and actions are not those of a trusted partner. Your H is not your best friend..because you don't betray and disrespect your best friend the way you have.

 

I advise you to ding a new job. The economy is not what it once was. You will not be able to handle working with the MM and that's not fair to your employer who has hired you to work, not have an emotional affair nor have your attention on how to win back thr MM. Even if your H wanted to try again with you, you would have to quit your job to invest in your marriage. But since you really have no interest in your H, don't give your H false hope.

 

This is why people say "don't piss where you work" because when it ends, someone is gonna have to find a new job.

[LemonTree]

Thank you all for your replies, advices and above all, brutal honesty... I really appreciated and needed it. It's been 7 days since the break up and talking about it here and with some of my close girlfriends really helped me gain some clarity and the strength to pull myself out of the emotional mess I was in.

 

The whole thing is totally out of character for me. I've been logical and sensible all my life. Not sure what came over me, it's almost as if a spell had been cast. For the first time ever I've decided to let my emotions take over and make decisions for me, taking full trust and blind faith in AP and what we had was special, hoping that despite the challenges, it will turn into something beautiful long term. I keep on feeding myself the belief that because of the speed, the connection and the intensity of the feelings that this must be so special, it's meant to be, and something worth fighting for. I was addicted to the feeling of intoxicated love that I had not been exposed to previously and have hurt BH that loved me deeply along the way. I was totally blinded by the affair fog as I walked deep into it without realising. Looking at it with a fresh perspective, I'm glad that he had the decency to end it and didn't string me on for longer. If it was true love and meant to be, he would have done something about it. If it wasn't, then really I have nothing worth mourning over.

 

Everything happened for a reason and I'm hoping this incident will only prompt me to explorer and learn about myself and my own relationship deeper.

 

I might be overly naive as I've read from all the posts here that relapses happen even with NC. Right now I'm feeling ok and strong, my heart at peace with itself to be ready to face the world and him as if all belonged to the past and I am ready to cut all ties. I realise that I'll need to start to move forward to mend some of the damages I had done to myself and people around me, instead of indulging in self-pitying and mourning over the loss of 'what could have been'. There is no loss if I never had it to start with. I'm only hoping I can be strong enough to keep going, learn my mistakes from this and come out whole as a better person.

[Popsicle]

1. DO NOT tell your husband. It won't make anything better, but it will make things a whole lot worse.

 

2. Do not see your AP to "talk" about the ending, unless you both just want an A only to continue. Nothing good will come out of talking about it ending in person You have to accept that it will be a continued A only or nothing at all. This man will not leave his W. Just hammer that into your head no matter what he's saying, how much he loves you, or how he's acting.

 

3. Work on and refocus on your M. Give it a shot, give it your best. What do you have to lose? Go to counseling, read books, do/try things with your H you never have before, whatever it takes. You two don't have kids, so you can do so many things...

 

4. If you want to keep your job, then keep it professional. If you need to go NC with him, except at work, then do so. You can tell him that. If you feel that you can't work with him, then start looking for another job.

Edited March 8, 2015 by Popsicle

[Lurkeraspect]

Please don't NOT tell your husband the truth (as the poster above advised) if you want to continue living an unauthentic life and have a sham marriage. If you want to try and rekindle your marriage (if that's possible) you'll get no where by lying or cowardly omitting the truth. Your husband already knows something is wrong and want to talk to you about that. Perfect opportunity to lay it all out on the table. And really, he may feel the exact same way as you.

 

But if you lie, nothing changes and you just become another run of the mill cheating spouse, who drags their BS into the mire and wastes valuable time of their existence with a lie. Based on all you've shared here it really doesn't spound like that's the person you want to be.

 

P.S. The MOM isn't leaving his wife and was never leaving her. That was all fantasy.

[Popsicle]

Tell your H what is wrong in your M and what you want to work on together, but do not tell him about your A.

[whichwayisup]

Your H knows something is off, chances are he suspects or knows you're having an affair. DO not deny it, or lie to him anymore.

 

Everybody will give their 2 cents worth on what they think you should do, but the end of the day it's your decision and what you can/can't live with.

[DKT3]

Tell your H what is wrong in your M and what you want to work on together, but do not tell him about your A.

 

Sooo, her having an affair isn't a problem in their marriage?

[Popsicle]

Sooo, her having an affair isn't a problem in their marriage?

 

It is but she already wants to stop that on her own.

 

I realize that some MW/MM need to be stopped, but some don't. They stop on their own.

Edited March 9, 2015 by Popsicle

[obtuseedge]

Thank you for sharing your story. My circumstances have been very similar. Except I always let the OW know from the beginning that I did not plan or would leave my wife.

 

You can read my post history to know about my story. But essentially four days ago, everything came caving down as my wife found out about the affair. We are trying to rebuild, but my AP is also not handling NC very well. It has been very difficult these past few days.

 

I am committed to sticking to my marriage, but it is very hard to deal with this situation when I still have to see my AP for work. Now it is doubly tense and difficult with my wife knowing about the situation.

 

BTW, I wouldn't tell your husband unless you plan to leave him. You had an emotional affair, and it stopped. Your AP made the decision for you. I would try to move on and perhaps try to reinvest some of your energy back into your marriage.

[obtuseedge]

BTW, you are a very good writer. Some people here ramble off and it's very difficult to understand them.

 

You write with eloquence, it's a great art.

[Lurkeraspect]

BTW, you are a very good writer. Some people here ramble off and it's very difficult to understand them.

 

You write with eloquence, it's a great art.

 

How are you doing today, OP?

 

Oh, and you don't need to be a "good writer" to express your feelings. Just like being a mediocre writer doesn't make you less of a douche.