gillian34 Posted March 8, 2015 Share Posted March 8, 2015 (edited) This is difficult to write so please bear with me, it is something I am ashamed to bring up with most real life friends.. aged 12/13 my parents invited a man into our home (a friend from work's bro) to drill my sibling in self defence techniques as he was getting bullied. each session we used to all join in as he taught us how to spar, kick etc - only he didn't really spend much time with my siblings, he was more interested in "teaching me". This man was 26. He used to spar with me and compliment my technique and tell me to look right in his eyes. He was pretty attractive, very sweet i thought.. after a few sessions he would bring me inside leaving my siblings inside and we would perform special exercises such as sit ups with legs interlinked, and he would feel my stomach and body commending me on the improvement but saying my stomach could be harder etc...also he would ask me to feel his chest n tell me what I thought.. I kind of was a bit shy about all this but my mum vaguely witnessed it all n didn't blink an eyelid so I assumed it was all legit n chalked my discomfort down to low confidence.. as the weeks went by he began to close the door and sit me on his knee n kiss me n feel parts of me n ask me to kiss him back n feel him... It did go a lot further but don't want to lay details here for fear of pervs getting a kick and I have never been able to openly disclose the truth to anyone out of shame eventually he asked my mum if he could take me on a cinema date (he was 26 me 13) and she seemed to take this as a warning sign n banished him from the home, we never saw him again.. however I was left feeling really lost n confused as while the attention had left me uncomfortable I had felt flattered and even turned on by it at the time though mixed with fear and confusion and to this day I can't accept he was molesting me ALTHOUGH if I had a daughter I would have stopped this is its tracks a lot sooner, would not let any 26 year old near her in private.. can anybody help with these feelings? I am much older now, I feel often this really affected me and robbed me of something but then the other part of me feels guilt for encouraging him and being flattered by it... The whole thing sparked ten years of intense eating disorders and body hatred.. Thanks to anyone non judgemental who can unravel these feelings for me without making me feel worse Edited March 8, 2015 by gillian34 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted March 8, 2015 Share Posted March 8, 2015 .. The whole thing sparked ten years of intense eating disorders and body hatred.. You were abused. If this was just a first boyfriend experience,(albeit with an older man), then it would not have triggered the issues you endured. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
tobrieornottobrie Posted March 9, 2015 Share Posted March 9, 2015 I'm so sorry for what you are dealing with. Have you thought about finding a counselor to help you talk through what happened? I think it could be really beneficial for you to talk to a professional about the situation. Have you talked to any of your close friends about this? I know you mentioned that it's really difficult to talk about but even speaking with a trusted friend about this my be helpful for you. Wishing you luck. the brie's cheese knees Link to post Share on other sites
loveboid Posted March 9, 2015 Share Posted March 9, 2015 Yes, especially if you were flattered by the attention...because you were a child! Children love candy. That doesn't make it their fault if they take it from a stranger who then hurts them. This person used attention much like candy as bait. It's not your fault one bit. There's nothing wrong with you. You have nothing to be ashamed of. He's the one who did something shameful, not you. You are free to follow your dreams and be happy. He stole this time of your life from you but don't let him steal your future. That's what he is...a thief. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted March 9, 2015 Share Posted March 9, 2015 I'm sorry to hear what happened to you. It's natural to want attention and for someone to be interested in you. You were young and naive and probably unsure about whether he was overstepping the line or not, until he obviously did overstep the mark at some point. Your mother banished him, which is a pretty clear sign she was getting uncomfortable with his behaviour towards you. It might help to see a counsellor or therapist to talk about this and try to untangle the mixed-up feelings you must have had. It was abuse of course. You were groomed. You are not the only person who has had this kind of thing happen and others must know exactly how you feel. This is why talking to an abuse charity or your doctor might help you to get the right therapy. You should not feel ashamed or guilty. I can well understand you feeling confused. Talking to a good therapist will help you to realise you are not alone and that your feelings are natural, whatever they were and however contradictory they might have appeared to be. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
SincereOnlineGuy Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 Was this abuse if i was flattered by the attention? Gillian, you sound so delicate and unsure... and while I am in emphatic agreement with others who clearly see/sense abuse there, I am going to take a slightly-different approach and (try to) link a response I recently wrote to a completely different thread here last month: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/transitioning/friends-lovers/515548-18-year-age-gap#post6165471 My hope is that, because I wrote that other response before I knew anything of you... you will let it really mean more, for it not merely seeming like someone telling you what you now want to hear. Don't get confused and let yourself believe that I see other parallels there - I just want you to get the message relating to your having been flattered by the attention. Hope this convinces you that it was very much OK that you were flattered!! Link to post Share on other sites
TigerCub Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 Gillian, It sounds like you blame yourself - you liked the attention, therefore it wasn't abuse.... It was abuse and he was an adult and you were a child. Predators do that on purpose to make the child feel comfortable, to make the child feel good and special and feel that what the predator is doing is ok. Please don't hold on to the idea that you liked the attention and therefore you did anything wrong by seeking it out or by not telling your mom about it. At the end of the day, you were a child and he was an adult and he did what he did on purpose. It's ALL on him - not you. I hope you seek out therapy to deal with it. I hope you forgive yourself and I hope that you see it for what it is and know that you didn't do anything to bring this on. **HUGS** 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author gillian34 Posted September 30, 2015 Author Share Posted September 30, 2015 Huge thanks to all who replied. Thanks to your encouragement i was brave and motivated enough to seek therapy and can clearly see he was taking advantage and it was not my fault . Have been struggling with this my whole life and had nobody to talk to. thank you 4 Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted September 30, 2015 Share Posted September 30, 2015 I agree with everyone else. A 26-yr-old knows better than to mess around with a 13-yr-old. The 13-yr-old isn't to blame for being responsive and naive. This is why the law puts the responsibility on the adult. Grown-ups know how to manipulate children, and they're easily manipulated. You did nothing wrong, however, I do take issue with your parents for not paying more attention and, in particular, not being aware of how much he was focusing on you, and taking you into a room alone. Those were big red flags. Please don't let this continue to affect you in such negative ways. You were a young girl taken in by the attention. It was just a normal reaction on your part. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Nemetona Posted September 30, 2015 Share Posted September 30, 2015 You were definitely abused. It's not clear from your post quite how far this man went but it sounds like you may have been actually sexually assaulted by him and should possibly report him to the cops even after all these years. Sorry this happened to you! Was that your post about the guy you have in your life now who is not really treating you right? Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted September 30, 2015 Share Posted September 30, 2015 Nothing a grown man does to a 13 year old child is the child's fault. You had no control. Your parents were wrong for letting him near you. He committed a CRIME by touching you. It doesn't matter that you were flattered. You were a child & never should have been put in that position. Please do get some therapy to deal with the mixed up emotions you are feeling. I say mixed up not to demean or invalidate them but your mind is all over the place because as a child you were put in an untenable position. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted October 1, 2015 Share Posted October 1, 2015 I'm really glad you got therapy for this. I'm sure it really affected your feelings of self worth. And I'm sure your therapist explained that your feeling flattered was completely normal, right? Link to post Share on other sites
TigerCub Posted October 1, 2015 Share Posted October 1, 2015 Huge thanks to all who replied. Thanks to your encouragement i was brave and motivated enough to seek therapy and can clearly see he was taking advantage and it was not my fault . Have been struggling with this my whole life and had nobody to talk to. thank you Gillian I am so proud of you for having the courage to talk about it and get help, unfortunately not many people can do that. I'm so glad you did and it has helped you see things clearly. You took a huge step and it paid off. I wish you the very best. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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