electech_72 Posted April 8, 2005 Share Posted April 8, 2005 Me and my wife are recovering from problems that almost cost us our marriage. Things on an emotional level are better than they were before the problems. The last major problem is sex, I want to be with here she has low desire to sleep with me. When I finally got up enough courage to bring it up she went ballistic. She has said that the amount will never be good enough for me. It is as if she just wants for it to be a complete non issue, like as long as I don't bring it up she will sleep with me about once a week. I love her so much that the rejection is killing me. I consider a healthy sex life a normal and important part of a relationship. I don't want to leave her but how much is enough. We both lead really busy lives she is going to school to be a nurse and I work a excessive amount of hours at work, although I don't think that is the problem. I know that women are complex but we did not sleep together on Valentines Day or our anniversary. I am finding it harder and harder to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me. Am I crazy or is this coming to the end. It has caused even the times we are together to seem hollow or fake, is she just doing it because she is trying to keep me happy. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted April 8, 2005 Share Posted April 8, 2005 We both lead really busy lives she is going to school to be a nurse and I work a excessive amount of hours at work, although I don't think that is the problem. She could be very stressed out...Depresssed? Both can play a factor in her head when it comes to sex. Me and my wife are recovering from problems that almost cost us our marriage. Whatever happened could still be playing in her head and that is why things aren't happening as much in the bedroom? Just asking... It is as if she just wants for it to be a complete non issue, like as long as I don't bring it up she will sleep with me about once a week. I love her so much that the rejection is killing me. Once a week isn't bad. Most couples who have young kids don't have alot of sex. Depends on the situation. Personally I think she's exhausted, stressed and feeling pressured by you. Try romancing her. Be loving and sensual - Go for a walk, spend time cuddling and talking...That intimacy is just as important as making love. Do massages and backscratches - Fool around more rather than just getting to the deed itself. Things on an emotional level are better than they were before the problems You say you feel rejected? Sexually, you're feeling rejected but she still loves you! Really it does seem like busy lives are getting in the way. BOTH of you need to make an effort to meet eachothers needs. Once a week isn't that bad. Bring her flowers and make her feel good about herself. See how it goes without pressuring her, she'll come around. Link to post Share on other sites
Cecelius Posted April 8, 2005 Share Posted April 8, 2005 The original question was is it a reason to leave. After you've tried all of the above, then, yes. If you have children, then no. Link to post Share on other sites
laRubiaBonita Posted April 8, 2005 Share Posted April 8, 2005 like Cecelius said: To Answer the question - Is sex a reason to leave? i would say yes. the point of marriage is to be happy, or at least try to get a happy medium, in all aspects of the relationship: sexual, emotional, financial, familial. Granted, it does take work to achieve a "happy Balance", so i would just caution not to make any decisions in Haste. Link to post Share on other sites
yuv Posted April 8, 2005 Share Posted April 8, 2005 The answer you get on this question depends on the sex of the poster. In general, you'll get mostly supportive advice if you're female. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t59958/ If you're male, folks are going to REALLY scrutinize what's going on, fill in the blanks with their own ideas that you didn't say anything about, and there will be posters who might try to turn it into "ease up, every day is unreasonable" thread (when that's not what you've said.) I posted something similar, and I think some of the advice appearing in my thread is very useful: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t59303/ The best advice IMO was from LucreziaBorgia who suggested counseling, and her line about "It needs to be working for both partners" was a motivator that made me realize I had to tell my wife (who thought of it as "my" problem) that it was becoming a _marriage_ problem. Before the blanks in your post get filled in for you, let me ask what you mean by "Me and my wife are recovering from problems that almost cost us our marriage." What previous problems did you deal with? You say the "last major problem is sex" but if you fill out more of the background that would likely help. Link to post Share on other sites
Mom4 Posted April 8, 2005 Share Posted April 8, 2005 Ok, this is going to be some honest advice and it's coming from many conversations with my girlfriends and why we all don't have sex as much. Think a little about yourself... What is she seeing in you? There are a lot of things that can happen once you get married that takes away from that sexual desire. I have one friend who's husband insists on leaving the bathroom door open all the time when he sits there. Another says... he doesn't work out like he used to and she isn't attracted to his laziness. Another friend says her husband never brushes his teeth before bed and she's just grossed out by him. My husband thinks it's ok to sit at the computer all night while I do dinner, dishes, and put the kids to bed ( all four of them). I just want to close my eyes and go to sleep. If he was at home around 11am I might be more in the mood. Take her out, look your best, have a great time together, come home and offer her a foot massage and then a back rub. Tell her how she looks amazing, and that you want her, then just TAKE HER!!! Then, once you have taken her tell her just how great she makes you feel. Then DO NOT FALL ASLEEP... at least talk to her for a little so she doesn't feel like a blow up doll. Good luck!!!!!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
longgone Posted April 13, 2005 Share Posted April 13, 2005 I hope you will read my post on another thread, the one about "My Husband has dried up and I'm still wet" or something like that. The things that jumped out at me in your post were the "she went ballistic" and "it will never be enough" It sounds like it's not the sex that's the problem, you probably need to work more on emotional connection and being able to communicate about issues together without it being a big, hurtful blowout. Have you read Passionate Marriage, by the way? The advice about nurturing that connection is good, but it is likely that you have very disparate sex drives, yours is too much, and hers is too little. My husband and I are working on a solution that involves other people. But without a strong emotional bond, high level of committment, and safety to feel and express emotions and concerns with each other, polyamory just won't work. No, I don't think bad or not enough sex is a reason to leave a marriage, and I don't think each person is entitled to demand the amount they want or insist on being able to see other people. But I do think the issues that can cause bad or not enough sex, or can impair a couple's ability to find a compromise, whether it be one person not getting as much as they would like, or the other giving more than she would like, or some form of turn taking, or one person having another outlet... the issues that can prevent good understanding and good will toward each other are the things that are worth leaving a marraige over. Link to post Share on other sites
josephanthony69 Posted April 13, 2005 Share Posted April 13, 2005 Originally posted by Mom4 Ok, this is going to be some honest advice and it's coming from many conversations with my girlfriends and why we all don't have sex as much. Think a little about yourself... What is she seeing in you? There are a lot of things that can happen once you get married that takes away from that sexual desire. I have one friend who's husband insists on leaving the bathroom door open all the time when he sits there. Another says... he doesn't work out like he used to and she isn't attracted to his laziness. Another friend says her husband never brushes his teeth before bed and she's just grossed out by him. My husband thinks it's ok to sit at the computer all night while I do dinner, dishes, and put the kids to bed ( all four of them). I just want to close my eyes and go to sleep. If he was at home around 11am I might be more in the mood. Take her out, look your best, have a great time together, come home and offer her a foot massage and then a back rub. Tell her how she looks amazing, and that you want her, then just TAKE HER!!! Then, once you have taken her tell her just how great she makes you feel. Then DO NOT FALL ASLEEP... at least talk to her for a little so she doesn't feel like a blow up doll. Good luck!!!!!!!!! Mom this is so true - the guy has to be a partner in the process - 4 kids - god bless you!! If you make it past the kids and the big one - Menopause (hopefully with his help and understanding) - the fun you can have getting to know one another again. Remember tho - as you need to feel sexy and special - never forget the "hotty" he saw in you to begin with!! Those negligees that made you feel sexy and made him want you!! Torn, worn - throw them out!! It started as a partnership - needs to be two sided after kids!! and remember, as we age, our chests do sink into our bellies - but with love - do you always have to see the negatives or can we all go a little blind together!! Link to post Share on other sites
Bubbles Posted April 13, 2005 Share Posted April 13, 2005 Mom4.............I LOVE YOU!!!! That was the BEST post! I'll bet a lot of people are thinking to themselves.......does my breath stink? Should I brush before I go to bed? Holy Cow......I never knew it was that important to my s/o bubbles Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted April 14, 2005 Share Posted April 14, 2005 "I never knew it was that important to my s/o" If your SO is male, it probably ISN'T important :-) Men have a hard time and always will. We know the rules that Mom4 describes, but since we don't need the stars to line up before we find our mate sexually attractive, we have a hard time seeing it from a woman's perspective. Mom4 is quite right if you tend toward feeling loved based on what your partner _says to_ and _does for_ you (see The Five Languages of Love). My wife has used the bathroom with the door open. Toothpaste spatters the mirror. Clothes everywhere. Piles of her stuff everywhere. Use something, put it down when you stopped using it (how did the phone end up fallen behind the nightstand?) She falls asleep right after sex. But all of this considered, I don't care, and I don't need her to tell me how great I am to be physically attracted to her, I just am. She doesn't need to give me a foot massage in order for me to think she's beautiful. Her words and acts of service aren't what moderate my feelings for her. It's her "acts of cervix" that make me feel loved, not whether she flossed :-) p.s. this post though somewhat silly is totally serious. All I'm saying is that it depends on what makes a person feel loved before they give love in return. Link to post Share on other sites
Mom4 Posted April 14, 2005 Share Posted April 14, 2005 So true, it is different for everyone! Maybe you should sleep with my husband... just kidding. My point is that we all put our best foot forward and then we get too comfortable sometimes. I am not sure that if my husband did all those things on our first date that there would be a second one. At the same time, it is nice to get to a point in your relationship where you are relaxed. I think that for "most" people it is a balance. I am attracted to a person who takes pride in themselves ( mentally and physically). Plus, It's about communication. If you don't mind the visual with the door open, bad breath, exhaustion,... and your S.O. knows that then great!! My point is... if it bothers you, don't pretend there is another reason you are not having sex... be honest, talk, and get to the problem. Here's what I like to do to forget the rest of the world. Put on Shania Twain's " I feel like a women!", have a glass of wine, and dance like no one is watching! Link to post Share on other sites
Bubbles Posted April 14, 2005 Share Posted April 14, 2005 My ex husband has some serious poo poo breath because he drank beer instead of eating. That's why he did'nt get sex from me. The lack of sex was the ending ofour relationship. I could'nt even stomach kissing him......he stank! Can you blame me? bubbles Link to post Share on other sites
Mom4 Posted April 14, 2005 Share Posted April 14, 2005 Bubbles I am sure there are lots of reasons but I don't blame you with the breath thing. I am sure if you did have sex you were looking the other way... that is no fun! Kissing is so much a part of intimacy. I hope you have found someone else with "good" breath!! Link to post Share on other sites
josephanthony69 Posted April 14, 2005 Share Posted April 14, 2005 Nope - you look way too cute for him not to take a minute to at least mouthwash!! Link to post Share on other sites
Bubbles Posted April 14, 2005 Share Posted April 14, 2005 Awwwwww Thank you ! Link to post Share on other sites
josephanthony69 Posted April 15, 2005 Share Posted April 15, 2005 Nothing better than to see a pretty lady smiling!!! and....I just gargled and brushed my teeth...lmao!! Link to post Share on other sites
Bubbles Posted April 15, 2005 Share Posted April 15, 2005 Well in that case........mmmmmmmmuuuuuuaaaaaaagh! There's a big smoochie fer ya! bubbles Link to post Share on other sites
josephanthony69 Posted April 15, 2005 Share Posted April 15, 2005 Well daaaayum...here's a big un right back at ya!! saaamooooch!!! and giant >< Link to post Share on other sites
Bubbles Posted April 15, 2005 Share Posted April 15, 2005 O.K........I think we've hijacked this thread! We should stop now, it's really not fair to the original poster. But thank you all the same for your compliments bubbles Link to post Share on other sites
josephanthony69 Posted April 15, 2005 Share Posted April 15, 2005 well guess you are right!! lol...just keep smiling tho - makes for a pleasing photo!! Link to post Share on other sites
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