Dumper's Remorse - Does it exist?

[smellysocksuni]

Hey everyone,

 

Due to a particularly nasty break up that I've been involved in this year, I've done a LOT of reading about it all. Dumpees, dumpers, breadcrumbs, etc. I feel like I've learnt a lot and in my next break up (hopefully there won't be one!) I will take all these lessons forward.

 

My question is though, does this so called "dumper's remorse" exist? Dumpers feeling bad down the line and getting in touch with a dumpee? I ask because I hear about it so often from friends, etc - their exes getting in touch months or years down the line.

 

I guess it's also a personal question too - I just wonder how someone can share so much with you and cut you out of their lives never to return. I don't operate that way, but I do realise that the majority of people do.

[na49]

Yes it does exist. My ex dumped me, and came back 6 months later telling me that her life sucked without me in it. We got back together right after that.

 

Then she left me again 2 years later

[smellysocksuni]

Yes it does exist. My ex dumped me, and came back 6 months later telling me that her life sucked without me in it. We got back together right after that.

 

Then she left me again 2 years later

 

This is interesting. What was your break up like? Was it amicable?

[soret]

I think it depends on the person. I broke up with my bf for the last time a couple of days ago but I checked out of the relationship a couple of months prior. He was pretty toxic so I don't think I'll ever feel remorse for the relationship.

 

I did feel a bit of guilt for going through with Valentine's day but I don't think I quite understood what was going wrong with the relationship just yet.

[Ordinaryday]

It exists for some and not for others, but you have to be careful - from what I have seen and heard in most cases where the dumper expresses remorse and sadness over what happened and gets in touch with the dumpee it is really just about easing their guilt rather than genuinely making amends for what happened.

 

In other words, they are sticking by their decision - they dumped you, they still dont want to be with you as your romantic partner or even as a friend, but they feel guilty about hurting you when they dumped you so they want to apologise solely to ease their guilt - and they want a quick text from you saying you forgive them and that things are ok - and if you give them that you will never hear from them again.

 

I say no way to that! I changed my number, blocked her on facebook and did almost everything to ensure she can NEVER contact me again. she has EVERY RIGHT in the world to break up with me - but she is absolutely dreaming if she believes she is gonna get a message from me telling her it is okay she dumped me, she is forgiven, and there is no bad blood between us.

[binrob]

I think it depends on the person. I broke up with my bf for the last time a couple of days ago but I checked out of the relationship a couple of months prior. He was pretty toxic so I don't think I'll ever feel remorse for the relationship.

 

I did feel a bit of guilt for going through with Valentine's day but I don't think I quite understood what was going wrong with the relationship just yet.

 

I was just wondering. When you so called "checked out" months prior. How did you act during those months? Were you your usual self and faking being in love or were you clearly distancing yourself? Also how was he toxic? I'm asking because my gf of 4 years left me and moved on and found a new boyfriend in less than 2 weeks. Some have told me that she might have checked out sooner. So I'm just asking how you were.

[soret]

I was just wondering. When you so called "checked out" months prior. How did you act during those months? Were you your usual self and faking being in love or were you clearly distancing yourself? Also how was he toxic? I'm asking because my gf of 4 years left me and moved on and found a new boyfriend in less than 2 weeks. Some have told me that she might have checked out sooner. So I'm just asking how you were.

 

I don't think it was an immediate reaction to the bad and I think it was more so over time. I did find myself becoming increasingly bitter around him every time he screwed up though.

 

I will give you some back story so hopefully it will help you with your situation. When I talk about toxic I'm talking about a person who wont be ready for a relationship until they deal and come to terms with their past issues. We started dating in September and on Halloween we went out on a pub crawl. He got so drunk in front of my friends, he got violent, and he got verbally abusive. I broke up with him for a few days but we got back together because I think he was drinking in order to fit in with everyone and I was willing to give him another chance. He admitted he was wrong but he would say things like "I think you were the one that was provoking me" and it was a constant blaming on his part. It was an incident I didn't want to talk about anymore but month after month he would bring it up and blame me for what happened.

 

There were instances where he just could not handle life so he choose to drink in order to cope. There was one time where he came over to my house late at night drunk (he drove drunk) and he was getting physically violent with me ie. wouldn't let me go, holding me against my will. His other coping mechanisms was to speed and he got a 300 dollar ticket one time before coming to visit me. These were not at all okay in my book.

 

I also had to deal with his lack of self worth and insecurities on a daily basis. I have a couple of male friends that he was not okay with. He would never tell me directly that he had a problem with it but he would always make snide remarks about it. "Have you hooked up with them?" was a constant question and no matter how many time I said no and tried to prove myself he would always say " I think you did". He has massive trust issues and I had never done anything wrong in the first place. According to him I was still in love with my ex which didn't make any sense to me at all because I had a couple month long relationship with my ex that never developed into love.

 

I think after awhile I got tired of constantly having to convince him that I was a good person. I knew in my heart that I was and that I had always done my part to make the relationship grow but he was never convinced. Im a University student, I don't have time to go out and party and meet people but he just didn't understand that. No matter how many times I voiced my frustrations and happiness he would never change his ways even though he said he would do better. I felt trapped by someone and I did feel abused.

 

The leading moment of my decision to leave him was when he thought having a public fight with me was the right thing to do. I had been on edge with him for a few months due to my feelings of being trapped. The whole argument was about how he wrote some subliminal status about his unhappiness in our relationship on facebook and I was supposed to know exactly what was going on. The thing is I'm not on facebook all the time and when I am it's a quick look at a few posts and then it's put away. Constantly looking at posts would have been something I did while in High School, for me it's a bit immature because I don't really care what everyone is up to. So he made a huge public seen about it. He later apologized but after being mistreated for awhile you just don't believe them anymore.

 

So to say I checked out months ago it's true but I don't think I was being true to myself because I was constantly disappointed in his behaviour and I felt like I could make it work but things were never going to work between us. In your instance I think you ex gf is lying to herself. I wouldn't dare start dating someone right now because I'm very happy being on my own and taking care of my emotional needs right now. I can't even imagine myself getting into a relationship for the next year or so because I think I need to come to terms with what happened. I think your ex just doesn't want to be alone and she needs to be with someone to feel secure with herself which isn't healthy. They say you need half the time of the length of the relationship to get over it.

[minimariah]

My question is though, does this so called "dumper's remorse" exist?

 

my personal opinion - nope.

 

they usually come back only when they couldn't find anyone better.

when i did hear anyone express some kind of regret & remorse it sounded something like this - you know, XY... i am SO sorry for hurting you BUT *insert speech about how they're really not sorry at all*

 

as for how can someone share so much with you and cut you out of their lives? they stop loving you, they stop thinking about you & someone else enters the picture - it's usually how it goes. it's a process... you don't notice you stopped loving a person until it's too late and when it does happen, it seems like it happened out of the blue.

 

we're replaceable & forgettable. it is what it is.

[gnick]

I don't understand that. I don't forget people.I talk to all my ex girlfriends that will talk and if I have a friend it's for life as far as I'm concerned. I think it's bull**** someone let's you in thier life and heart then wants to cut you off for no good reason never to speak to you again

[binrob]

I don't think it was an immediate reaction to the bad and I think it was more so over time. I did find myself becoming increasingly bitter around him every time he screwed up though.

 

I will give you some back story so hopefully it will help you with your situation. When I talk about toxic I'm talking about a person who wont be ready for a relationship until they deal and come to terms with their past issues. We started dating in September and on Halloween we went out on a pub crawl. He got so drunk in front of my friends, he got violent, and he got verbally abusive. I broke up with him for a few days but we got back together because I think he was drinking in order to fit in with everyone and I was willing to give him another chance. He admitted he was wrong but he would say things like "I think you were the one that was provoking me" and it was a constant blaming on his part. It was an incident I didn't want to talk about anymore but month after month he would bring it up and blame me for what happened.

 

There were instances where he just could not handle life so he choose to drink in order to cope. There was one time where he came over to my house late at night drunk (he drove drunk) and he was getting physically violent with me ie. wouldn't let me go, holding me against my will. His other coping mechanisms was to speed and he got a 300 dollar ticket one time before coming to visit me. These were not at all okay in my book.

 

I also had to deal with his lack of self worth and insecurities on a daily basis. I have a couple of male friends that he was not okay with. He would never tell me directly that he had a problem with it but he would always make snide remarks about it. "Have you hooked up with them?" was a constant question and no matter how many time I said no and tried to prove myself he would always say " I think you did". He has massive trust issues and I had never done anything wrong in the first place. According to him I was still in love with my ex which didn't make any sense to me at all because I had a couple month long relationship with my ex that never developed into love.

 

I think after awhile I got tired of constantly having to convince him that I was a good person. I knew in my heart that I was and that I had always done my part to make the relationship grow but he was never convinced. Im a University student, I don't have time to go out and party and meet people but he just didn't understand that. No matter how many times I voiced my frustrations and happiness he would never change his ways even though he said he would do better. I felt trapped by someone and I did feel abused.

 

The leading moment of my decision to leave him was when he thought having a public fight with me was the right thing to do. I had been on edge with him for a few months due to my feelings of being trapped. The whole argument was about how he wrote some subliminal status about his unhappiness in our relationship on facebook and I was supposed to know exactly what was going on. The thing is I'm not on facebook all the time and when I am it's a quick look at a few posts and then it's put away. Constantly looking at posts would have been something I did while in High School, for me it's a bit immature because I don't really care what everyone is up to. So he made a huge public seen about it. He later apologized but after being mistreated for awhile you just don't believe them anymore.

 

So to say I checked out months ago it's true but I don't think I was being true to myself because I was constantly disappointed in his behaviour and I felt like I could make it work but things were never going to work between us. In your instance I think you ex gf is lying to herself. I wouldn't dare start dating someone right now because I'm very happy being on my own and taking care of my emotional needs right now. I can't even imagine myself getting into a relationship for the next year or so because I think I need to come to terms with what happened. I think your ex just doesn't want to be alone and she needs to be with someone to feel secure with herself which isn't healthy. They say you need half the time of the length of the relationship to get over it.

 

Thank you for sharing. He does sound toxic and it's good that you got out. I hope you are happier now.

 

I don't know what to think when it comes to my ex. Many say it's not normal and she is lying but truth be told, I'm not sure that's true. But seeing that even someone who was in a bad relationship like yours feel the need to have time alone and handle things makes it seem even stranger that she could just jump to the next guy when our relationship wasn't even close to as bad as yours. It wasn't perfect. We had our fights, we both were stubborn, we both made mistakes like any human. But she seems extremely happy now it seems and I would've wished her the best if she wasn't treating me like dirt. I know it's easier for the dumper to move on but less than 2 weeks seems a little too easy after a 4 year relationship.

[erklat]

It exists for some and not for others, but you have to be careful - from what I have seen and heard in most cases where the dumper expresses remorse and sadness over what happened and gets in touch with the dumpee it is really just about easing their guilt rather than genuinely making amends for what happened.

 

In other words, they are sticking by their decision - they dumped you, they still dont want to be with you as your romantic partner or even as a friend, but they feel guilty about hurting you when they dumped you so they want to apologise solely to ease their guilt - and they want a quick text from you saying you forgive them and that things are ok - and if you give them that you will never hear from them again.

 

I say no way to that! I changed my number, blocked her on facebook and did almost everything to ensure she can NEVER contact me again. she has EVERY RIGHT in the world to break up with me - but she is absolutely dreaming if she believes she is gonna get a message from me telling her it is okay she dumped me, she is forgiven, and there is no bad blood between us.

 

Amen to this dude. This is exactly what I would write.

[biscuit1901]

My ex came back after 10 years saying how sorry he was. We had a brief fling and strangely it was the best thing I could of done. There had always been apart of me that never let go, that always wanted him(he left me). It was soon obvious that I was wrong. It was the 'what was then' that I wanted. The us from before. When we tried again it sort of put an end to something that to me was still a somewhat small open wound. I was even able to forgive him and now unbelievably we are friends.

[soret]

Thank you for sharing. He does sound toxic and it's good that you got out. I hope you are happier now.

 

I don't know what to think when it comes to my ex. Many say it's not normal and she is lying but truth be told, I'm not sure that's true. But seeing that even someone who was in a bad relationship like yours feel the need to have time alone and handle things makes it seem even stranger that she could just jump to the next guy when our relationship wasn't even close to as bad as yours. It wasn't perfect. We had our fights, we both were stubborn, we both made mistakes like any human. But she seems extremely happy now it seems and I would've wished her the best if she wasn't treating me like dirt. I know it's easier for the dumper to move on but less than 2 weeks seems a little too easy after a 4 year relationship.

 

No problem, I'm all for sharing. I am happy but I also feel angry for letting it get that bad but time will heal me.

 

I do think that you ex is lying to herself though. It seems like the one that moves on the quickest is the one that ultimately "wins" if you understand what I mean. I don't think humans want to admit defeat and I think that's exactly what she is doing. If she was seeing this guy when you were still in a relationship you would have seen some signs at least.... please don't take offence to this but I remember when one of my ex's broke up with me I felt like it was out of nowhere even though deep down I knew we were having a lot of troubles and that there was more negative aspects then positive ones. I think that you could possibly be in that stage of denial.

 

I do want to say that you don't know if she is happy with this guy, you're just assuming that she is fine without you. You probably know her better than anyone and deep down I'm pretty sure you know exactly what is going on in her head when she is with this guy. For all you know she could be miserable but she is hiding it, putting on a brave face for everyone around her saying "look at me, I've moved on" and that should never be something to brag about because those people are just lying to everyone else and also themselves.

[mightycpa]

Having been in both roles before, my answer is NO. I've never regretted the decision to cut somebody loose, and to tell the truth, in the long run, I have never regretted somebody's decision to cut me loose.

 

Here's the problem with dumpers' remorse, as I see it:

 

You have a person who is unhappy for some reason. Their solution is to destroy the love relationship. Then later, because "their life sucks", now all of a sudden those problems don't seem so bad, and they want back in with you.

 

I can't imagine a more selfish attitude than that. If you're committed, you have to hang in their through the trouble. Breaking up is a HUGE step; then to return later, because the grass isn't greener for them? What about you? What about the betrayal? Do you really think someone like this is going to learn their lesson?

 

I would hope that at a minimum, you'd give a dumper like me his due. I ended it because it needed to end.. not because things got a little rough and I couldn't ride it out. You know where you stand with a guy like me... if you got dumped, you stayed dumped. There's no uncertainty about it, and I'm not going to toy with your emotions.

 

Of course, this is true with me as a dumpee too. Never went back, never tried, never tried to convince someone it was in their best interests to be with me. I knew that had to come from them in order to last. I knew I'd be alright. It seemed reasonable that there was somebody better for me in this great big world. I was right. There were quite a few. I finally found someone good enough for me too, and it was a lot of fun looking. I enjoyed dating and being single. Why not? It's fun.

 

So this is my advice to you. Take a dumper at his/her word when they dump you. Who cares what they think later, after they've had time to reflect? What you should care about is what you think.

[erklat]

I can confirm that. Remorse that I felt sometimes was remorse for myself

and not for them.

[FancyFace]

Having been in both roles before, my answer is NO. I've never regretted the decision to cut somebody loose, and to tell the truth, in the long run, I have never regretted somebody's decision to cut me loose.

 

Here's the problem with dumpers' remorse, as I see it:

 

You have a person who is unhappy for some reason. Their solution is to destroy the love relationship. Then later, because "their life sucks", now all of a sudden those problems don't seem so bad, and they want back in with you.

 

I can't imagine a more selfish attitude than that. If you're committed, you have to hang in their through the trouble. Breaking up is a HUGE step; then to return later, because the grass isn't greener for them? What about you? What about the betrayal? Do you really think someone like this is going to learn their lesson?

 

I would hope that at a minimum, you'd give a dumper like me his due. I ended it because it needed to end.. not because things got a little rough and I couldn't ride it out. You know where you stand with a guy like me... if you got dumped, you stayed dumped. There's no uncertainty about it, and I'm not going to toy with your emotions.

 

Of course, this is true with me as a dumpee too. Never went back, never tried, never tried to convince someone it was in their best interests to be with me. I knew that had to come from them in order to last. I knew I'd be alright. It seemed reasonable that there was somebody better for me in this great big world. I was right. There were quite a few. I finally found someone good enough for me too, and it was a lot of fun looking. I enjoyed dating and being single. Why not? It's fun.

 

So this is my advice to you. Take a dumper at his/her word when they dump you. Who cares what they think later, after they've had time to reflect? What you should care about is what you think.

 

You just preached the word right here! *does a praise dance* Hallelujah!

[binrob]

No problem, I'm all for sharing. I am happy but I also feel angry for letting it get that bad but time will heal me.

 

I do think that you ex is lying to herself though. It seems like the one that moves on the quickest is the one that ultimately "wins" if you understand what I mean. I don't think humans want to admit defeat and I think that's exactly what she is doing. If she was seeing this guy when you were still in a relationship you would have seen some signs at least.... please don't take offence to this but I remember when one of my ex's broke up with me I felt like it was out of nowhere even though deep down I knew we were having a lot of troubles and that there was more negative aspects then positive ones. I think that you could possibly be in that stage of denial.

 

I do want to say that you don't know if she is happy with this guy, you're just assuming that she is fine without you. You probably know her better than anyone and deep down I'm pretty sure you know exactly what is going on in her head when she is with this guy. For all you know she could be miserable but she is hiding it, putting on a brave face for everyone around her saying "look at me, I've moved on" and that should never be something to brag about because those people are just lying to everyone else and also themselves.

 

 

I understand that our relationship was not the best when we broke up. I know we had many problems, which is why we argued a lot. But at least to me it was nowhere near enough to break up and cut her out of my life. But I could see how she would want to break up. It wasn't why she broke up with me that I don't understand. It is how she could do it in the way she did. Cut me off completely, find a new boyfriend almost immediately and then treat me as if I was some sort of monster. I don't blame her for breaking up and I am not sitting day and night wondering why. But the way she broke up, started dating a guy, then came back 1 month later and told me she loved me and wanting to try again only to regret it 3 weeks later and leave me again and start a relationship with yet another new guy is what baffles me. I thought I knew her. But everything she has done since breaking up has been so out of character to how she usually was towards me that I can not even begin to guess what she is thinking.

[idoltree]

I think there is another category of dumpers - the neurotic, emotionally immature/impulsive, and potentially depressed about their lives. (It could be all of these qualities in one person, or just one.)

 

It is well established that in order to end a relationship, the dumper is concentrating only on the negatives of the relationship. If they are aware that they want it to end, they are cataloging all the negatives and none of the positives. They want to feel good about the decision, and the case against a happy future with the soon-to-be dumpee is being built within their minds.

 

If you have the nervous nelly dumper, then the nerves are about them and their anxieties. But they still build up a case against their partner, because they need to find reasons why what they're about to do is valid.

 

These, I think, are the dumpers who can come back and have it not just be to relieve guilt. See, once they leave, the anxiety that drove them toward the breakup is vastly reduced. They feel great for a month or two! Except, uh oh, now that the anxiety is gone, and the high of the relief is gone, and they don't feel pressure from the dumpee, they're suddenly feeling the loss of all the good things about the relationship that they ended. Their friends and family might be able to tell that Neurotic Nelly clearly got neurotic and may have ended something that was actually a decent relationship. Outsiders can confirm reality checks for N. Nelly that things were not actually as bad as their nervous brains had thought, all the while that N. Nelly's own scumbag brain is allowing all the good memories to filter back in. And that's when it all starts to tumble down for Nervous Nelly.

 

This is the dumper who may have learned something. This is the dumper who can regret the breakup and has begun to realize the dumpee's value that they previously ignored in order to reduce their anxiety by breaking up.

 

And then it becomes about assessing whether the dumper is capable of handling an adult relationship without running for the hills over their own internal processes. Sometimes, while coping with the loss of the dumpee, they will gain perspective that will allow them to view relationships with emotional maturity. Sometimes they will have insight into the process that led them to leave, and how their view of the dumpee was massively filtered toward the negative. In these cases, I think the dumper actually misses the dumpee. Not because they couldn't find better, but because they'd taken the dumpee for granted and not realized what they had when they had it.

 

In this case, I think you have true dumper's remorse.

 

I do not think all breakups are the same. I do not think every dumper is making a logical and well-thought out decision. I do not think all breakups are due to someone falling out of love. To classify them all under those umbrellas and characterize all dumpers as logical and fair and incapable of real regret or making mistakes ignores the human condition.

[KBarletta]

If you're committed, you have to hang in their through the trouble.

 

^^ Yes. Commitment takes effort, something that escapes some people. They expect love to mean that everything fits together like a hand in a glove.

 

What happens in some cases I have seen - and maybe you could call this "remorse" - is that what some people see as "trouble" in the relationship is actually what others would call "real life" and they aren't willing or equipped to deal with it. When they move on and find that same "trouble" AKA "life" exists in every relationship, they think, "Hey, maybe what I had back there wasn't so bad after all ..."

[soret]

I understand that our relationship was not the best when we broke up. I know we had many problems, which is why we argued a lot. But at least to me it was nowhere near enough to break up and cut her out of my life. But I could see how she would want to break up. It wasn't why she broke up with me that I don't understand. It is how she could do it in the way she did. Cut me off completely, find a new boyfriend almost immediately and then treat me as if I was some sort of monster. I don't blame her for breaking up and I am not sitting day and night wondering why. But the way she broke up, started dating a guy, then came back 1 month later and told me she loved me and wanting to try again only to regret it 3 weeks later and leave me again and start a relationship with yet another new guy is what baffles me. I thought I knew her. But everything she has done since breaking up has been so out of character to how she usually was towards me that I can not even begin to guess what she is thinking.

 

She came back to you because she realized that the grass wasn't greener on the other side. I would say you have dodged a bullet with her because she doesn't know what she wants and she has been stringing you along which isn't fair to you at all.

 

I would not hold out for her again. She's clearly hurt you a lot and you can't let someone take advantage of you. It may be bleak now but there are better people out their for you and you just need time to heal. Do not hold out for someone that thinks of relationships as a game.

[TunaCat]

I was the dumper in March 2013. I had just recently dumped my wonderful boyfriend. He was utterly heartbroken as was I because he was a genuinely good guy who absolutely loved me. We went NC immediately following the breakup.

 

The reason I ended it was because things were getting serious between us and I was terrified that I would mess it up somehow. Stupid I know, but I don't know what it's like to see a happy healthy relationship & marriage in my parents or anyone in my family. I was so scared that I wouldn't be able to keep a marriage afloat because of this.

 

I went to counseling after the breakup because I was having a hard time with things and I was missing him horribly. I also wanted to work on feeling more confident in relationships.

 

He contacted me right before Christmas in 2014 and we got right back to talking, flirting pretty frequently. We decided to give things another shot because we truly care for one another and we both feel like we're a good match and neither one of us wants to be with anyone else.

 

So yes, there is such a thing as dumper's remorse. I am proof of it.

[binrob]

She came back to you because she realized that the grass wasn't greener on the other side. I would say you have dodged a bullet with her because she doesn't know what she wants and she has been stringing you along which isn't fair to you at all.

 

I would not hold out for her again. She's clearly hurt you a lot and you can't let someone take advantage of you. It may be bleak now but there are better people out their for you and you just need time to heal. Do not hold out for someone that thinks of relationships as a game.

 

What I don't understand though is if she realized the grass wasn't greener, why leave again? I am not waiting for her and I don't think I could ever see past how much she hurt me and what she did. But I do miss her and part of me still loves her very much. I just wish she one day realizes how badly she treated me during this whole break up and apologizes. She was my partner and best friend for 4 years. An apology would mean a lot to me.

[mightycpa]

neither one of us wants to be with anyone else.

Isn't that really how it was when you left the first time? You didn't dump him. You dumped the relationship. Much different.

[mightycpa]

What I don't understand though is if she realized the grass wasn't greener, why leave again?

Because there are so many other unexplored lawns, and so little time. The grass wasn't greener last time, but there's still a lot of potential out there.

[soret]

What I don't understand though is if she realized the grass wasn't greener, why leave again? I am not waiting for her and I don't think I could ever see past how much she hurt me and what she did. But I do miss her and part of me still loves her very much. I just wish she one day realizes how badly she treated me during this whole break up and apologizes. She was my partner and best friend for 4 years. An apology would mean a lot to me.

 

Because she is a user and you are an easy target after you took her back so willingly. You never made her work for the relationship when she wanted to come back.

 

I don't know if an apology is a good thing. I think once she apologizes then it will give you hope that she has changed but after all she has put you through does she really even deserve to speak to you? How do you know she really means it after she hurt you so badly and how do you know if she will run away again.