Dumper's Remorse - Does it exist?

[neildc]

I think there is another category of dumpers - the neurotic, emotionally immature/impulsive, and potentially depressed about their lives. (It could be all of these qualities in one person, or just one.)

 

It is well established that in order to end a relationship, the dumper is concentrating only on the negatives of the relationship. If they are aware that they want it to end, they are cataloging all the negatives and none of the positives. They want to feel good about the decision, and the case against a happy future with the soon-to-be dumpee is being built within their minds.

 

If you have the nervous nelly dumper, then the nerves are about them and their anxieties. But they still build up a case against their partner, because they need to find reasons why what they're about to do is valid.

 

These, I think, are the dumpers who can come back and have it not just be to relieve guilt. See, once they leave, the anxiety that drove them toward the breakup is vastly reduced. They feel great for a month or two! Except, uh oh, now that the anxiety is gone, and the high of the relief is gone, and they don't feel pressure from the dumpee, they're suddenly feeling the loss of all the good things about the relationship that they ended. Their friends and family might be able to tell that Neurotic Nelly clearly got neurotic and may have ended something that was actually a decent relationship. Outsiders can confirm reality checks for N. Nelly that things were not actually as bad as their nervous brains had thought, all the while that N. Nelly's own scumbag brain is allowing all the good memories to filter back in. And that's when it all starts to tumble down for Nervous Nelly.

 

This is the dumper who may have learned something. This is the dumper who can regret the breakup and has begun to realize the dumpee's value that they previously ignored in order to reduce their anxiety by breaking up.

 

And then it becomes about assessing whether the dumper is capable of handling an adult relationship without running for the hills over their own internal processes. Sometimes, while coping with the loss of the dumpee, they will gain perspective that will allow them to view relationships with emotional maturity. Sometimes they will have insight into the process that led them to leave, and how their view of the dumpee was massively filtered toward the negative. In these cases, I think the dumper actually misses the dumpee. Not because they couldn't find better, but because they'd taken the dumpee for granted and not realized what they had when they had it.

 

In this case, I think you have true dumper's remorse.

 

I do not think all breakups are the same. I do not think every dumper is making a logical and well-thought out decision. I do not think all breakups are due to someone falling out of love. To classify them all under those umbrellas and characterize all dumpers as logical and fair and incapable of real regret or making mistakes ignores the human condition.

 

So utterly spot on. This describes me as the dumper with my ex. Especially your line about taking things for granted. It's too late for me to reconcile now (I admitted my mistake clearly, told her I still wanted her, and directly ask for her back). She said no. Dumper's remorse can genuinely exist. I made an impulsive decision without thinking things through and now I have to live with the consequences. 6 months in and it still hurts. I've realized my mistakes and am taking steps to correct them. I only wish I had an opportunity to show the one person that really matters. But it is what it is.

[smellysocksuni]

in the case of my ex, I don't think it exists at all.

 

Although, she is friends with ALL of her exes, so perhaps it does. Mine and her break up was pretty bad so I can't imagine us ever being friends, and I've been really shaken by this break up so I'm not sure I want to be her friend.

 

Anyway - I think if they're a narcissist it probably does exist. They will want to come back and make their presence felt, to gauge if you're still pining.