farrah5451 Posted March 9, 2015 Share Posted March 9, 2015 hi everyone, well its been about a month and a half that the BW has known about our 9 month fair. She has not shown any anger, she has not broken down, there have been some tears and a thousand questions to my AP. He's even shocked, he said she's acting like she was the one who cheated. She's been trying to be the perfect wife. He's told her he's in love with me many times , he has told her he loves her in a different way.I guess I just don't understand and I was wondering will she ever get angry about this? She knows its been over now for about 5 days. She knows this because I called her and I told her I ended it. Im hoping to hear from any BWs out there that can tell me , is this the normal reaction? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 9, 2015 Share Posted March 9, 2015 Did you really end it? You're still in contact with MM. If your A is over, what difference does it make how she reacts? Maybe she's in shock, it hasn't hit her yet. As you say it's been 5 days. She's feeling a lot of different emotions. Also, if he really did tell her he's in love with you, why hasn't he left her? Why is he staying? You really don't know what he's told her... Something isn't adding up. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
Smthn_Like_Olivia Posted March 9, 2015 Share Posted March 9, 2015 It is when she blames herself for the affair and is fighting to save her marriage. My guess is that this poor woman is dying inside and doing everything she can to try and make the marriage better. Different people have different reactions to affairs. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Lurkeraspect Posted March 9, 2015 Share Posted March 9, 2015 hi everyone, well its been about a month and a half that the BW has known about our 9 month fair. She has not shown any anger, she has not broken down, there have been some tears and a thousand questions to my AP. He's even shocked, he said she's acting like she was the one who cheated. She's been trying to be the perfect wife. He's told her he's in love with me many times , he has told her he loves her in a different way.I guess I just don't understand and I was wondering will she ever get angry about this? She knows its been over now for about 5 days. She knows this because I called her and I told her I ended it. Im hoping to hear from any BWs out there that can tell me , is this the normal reaction? Farrah, You said back during the supposed Dday that he told his BS that he wouldn't be talking to you anymore, and you said, "yea right" meaning he lied to her that the affair was over. And here you sit almost two months later wondering why she isn't mad or leaving. It's really simple; she believes you're history and she's fighting to keep her marriage not fully knowing what a POS she's truly married to. The real unfortunate part is her wonderful husband is just lying and lying and has continued things with you, and you just eat it all up and believe his every word. His BS isn't the only one being played here. I'm curious why you felt the need to call her 5 days ago? What prompted that? Your story is bizarre. 9 Link to post Share on other sites
Author farrah5451 Posted March 9, 2015 Author Share Posted March 9, 2015 Farrah, You said back during the supposed Dday that he told his BS that he wouldn't be talking to you anymore, and you said, "yea right" meaning he lied to her that the affair was over. And here you sit almost two months later wondering why she isn't mad or leaving. It's really simple; she believes you're history and she's fighting to keep her marriage not fully knowing what a POS she's truly married to. The real unfortunate part is her wonderful husband is just lying and lying and has continued things with you, and you just eat it all up and believe his every word. His BS isn't the only one being played here. I'm curious why you felt the need to call her 5 days ago? What prompted that? Your story is bizarre. it is bizarre. so after D Day I separated from my husband and MM was gently trying to break it to his wife that he was leaving ,well a month and a half later ,he is still there. The entire month and a half, he has been seeing me and speaking to me constantly. telling me we are going to be together he has made his decision to be with me he has never wavered from that he always said we would be together. I'm his destiny, soul mate, love of his life. He told his entire family about me, made sure he had a place to go once he left. He told me he told her many times, even in front of therapist, that he's in love with me. But he told me he's having a hard time saying ,"Im leaving" . every time I suggested stacking out of this relationship he would talk me out of it. Then his family had a discussion with him and talked him into going no contact with me for at least a month to give his wife a chance to see if they could work it out. We met we cried, we said goodbye. he called me 5 days later in tears saying he cannot go a month without talking to me. I asked him if he had come to any conclusions during those 5 days and he said no he's still stuck he wants to be with me he always has but he's having a hard time leaving. he said he had no doubts on my end he was a hundred percent sure he wanted to be with me but the kids and the house and the wife and his financial struggles and what's going to happen to them and all those worries and fears would overwhelm him.so I decided to text him a goodbye message which I did and he called me immediately sobbing. I decided to answer the one call because I knew he would be hurting as was I. He tried to talk me out of it and kept me on the phone. he asked me if I would call his wife. I think he wanted me to tell her the entire truth maybe that would spark her throwing him out? Twice I had thought I was pregnant and he was happy about it saying to me, now we will be together sooner than you think and he was genuinely happy about it. so I called her 5 days ago and I was very very kind to her and she was very civil with me. I still protected him through out the conversation. I told her I ended it, which I did.she seemed happy that I would be out of the way. She feels with me out of the way things will get back to normal. We spoke for an hour. I then told My MM about it and told him shes never leaving. I said I have to say goodbye. We were crying he was telling me he's not saying goodbye, because he knows he will be with me. He said he will not make me wait forever. He loves me with every ounce of his heart. I told him the same then he'll always be part of me. that was 5 days ago. I've been depressed, crying, I try to keep busy but I feel a void inside of me that I know will never be replaced. I'm devastated Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted March 9, 2015 Share Posted March 9, 2015 Not sure what you find attractive about this guy. He doesn't sound like much of a man. Every time somebody asks him to make a decision he just sits there and cries. Yech. You are well rid of him. Apparently he told his wife that the affair was her fault and she bought it. He was happy to let her blame herself because that's the kind of great guy he is. One day his wife will get angry but it might not be for many months. It may even take years but one day she is going to have an epiphany and realize how badly she got played. 13 Link to post Share on other sites
Author farrah5451 Posted March 9, 2015 Author Share Posted March 9, 2015 Not sure what you find attractive about this guy. He doesn't sound like much of a man. Every time somebody asks him to make a decision he just sits there and cries. Yech. You are well rid of him. Apparently he told his wife that the affair was her fault and she bought it. He was happy to let her blame herself because that's the kind of great guy he is. One day his wife will get angry but it might not be for many months. It may even take years but one day she is going to have an epiphany and realize how badly she got played. No, he told her it wasnt her fault. He just was in love with me and she had done nothing wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
HtotheN Posted March 9, 2015 Share Posted March 9, 2015 Maybe the better question might be "When will he grow a pair, make some important decisions, and own those decisions rather than using his 'girlfriend' to blow things up with his wife." He sounds like a little itch with a b. 11 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 9, 2015 Share Posted March 9, 2015 telling me we are going to be together he has made his decision to be with me he has never wavered from that he always said we would be together. I'm his destiny, soul mate, love of his life. He told his entire family about me, made sure he had a place to go once he left. He told me he told her many times, even in front of therapist, that he's in love with me. But he told me he's having a hard time saying ,"Im leaving" . I'm calling bullshi.t. He has led you on, lied to you and you're eating it up. He actually told her he's in love with you yet he doesn't have the balls to tell her he's leaving? MOST women would kick their husband's OUT if they were told that. I doubt he's said anything. Actions speak louder than words. If anything, he has no intention of leaving and divorcing...He is just selfish and wants to have you on the side and continue being married. So, you left your H for this guy? 8 Link to post Share on other sites
Author farrah5451 Posted March 9, 2015 Author Share Posted March 9, 2015 I'm calling bullshi.t. He has led you on, lied to you and you're eating it up. He actually told her he's in love with you yet he doesn't have the balls to tell her he's leaving? MOST women would kick their husband's OUT if they were told that. I doubt he's said anything. Actions speak louder than words. If anything, he has no intention of leaving and divorcing...He is just selfish and wants to have you on the side and continue being married. So, you left your H for this guy? I spoke to the BW. He did tell her, thats why I dont get her holding on to him. I did believe him. I believed everything he said. Whats worse, is I still do. Well a part of me does. He never cheated before. She kept telling me thier marriage never had any issues until I came along. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 9, 2015 Share Posted March 9, 2015 I spoke to the BW. He did tell her, thats why I dont get her holding on to him. I did believe him. I believed everything he said. Whats worse, is I still do. Well a part of me does. He never cheated before. She kept telling me thier marriage never had any issues until I came along. The issue isn't her, it's him. If he truly is in love with you and wants to be with you, he'll divorce and nothing will make him stay, not even his wife. Maybe he's changed his mind and he is seeing his wife in a new light. Maybe she is fighting for her husband because she still loves him and doesn't want to hand him over to you. Again actions speak louder than words and he's still there. Stop believing every word he tells you. Don't call her again. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
minimariah Posted March 9, 2015 Share Posted March 9, 2015 I spoke to the BW. He did tell her, thats why I dont get her holding on to him. I did believe him. I believed everything he said. Whats worse, is I still do. Well a part of me does. He never cheated before. She kept telling me thier marriage never had any issues until I came along. but how? how do you NOT get it? she still loves him & wants to keep their marriage and family together. you told her he is in love with you but... he isn't leaving. why aren't you wondering about why is HE holding on to her? you have a dude who still isn't leaving his W after his DDay and here you are - opening a thread about reactions of his BW. amazing. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
waterwoman Posted March 9, 2015 Share Posted March 9, 2015 It must be frustrating if you expected him to up and leave in the same way as you did. But he was obviously more ambivalent - he loved you but he isn't quite done with his wife either. You sound irritated that she hasn't blown up and kicked him out - but you can't predict or influence another person's actions. The onus is on HIM to take action as he is the person who wants the change....and he hasn't for some reason. Focus your attention on HIS actions and your own, and forget about his wife. Link to post Share on other sites
Mabelblue Posted March 9, 2015 Share Posted March 9, 2015 OP.. He's still there 6weeks after D-Day. Surely that says a lot? Whatever his reasons are he can't leave his marriage. You know for a fact his wife knows of his affair and she still wants to be with him. He is never going to leave unless he's kicked out and that's not going to happen. Even if he did get the courage to leave he may end going back. That seems to happen a lot too from what I've read on here. Please end this cycle. You'll be on the subs bench forever. The longer this continues the longer you'll be hurt. You can take control right now. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author farrah5451 Posted March 9, 2015 Author Share Posted March 9, 2015 OP.. He's still there 6weeks after D-Day. Surely that says a lot? Whatever his reasons are he can't leave his marriage. You know for a fact his wife knows of his affair and she still wants to be with him. He is never going to leave unless he's kicked out and that's not going to happen. Even if he did get the courage to leave he may end going back. That seems to happen a lot too from what I've read on here. Please end this cycle. You'll be on the subs bench forever. The longer this continues the longer you'll be hurt. You can take control right now. Im not ever calling her again, but im glad I did, she said she was glad I did also. I finally did end it because I was basing it on actions not his words, anymore. I guess I just cant believe i was lied to like this. Im so done! Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted March 9, 2015 Share Posted March 9, 2015 Stop worrying about her and her reaction and take care of you- There is something very wrong with MM and I can not imagine that you will not take the chance given to you to get the heck away from him- Link to post Share on other sites
GollumsNightmare Posted March 9, 2015 Share Posted March 9, 2015 (edited) " I guess I just cant believe i was lied to like this. Im so done!" :rolleyes: You were in an AFFAIR, a relationship based on lies. Imagine how the BW felt. Jeesh. Edited March 9, 2015 by GollumsNightmare 9 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted March 9, 2015 Share Posted March 9, 2015 Im not ever calling her again, but im glad I did, she said she was glad I did also. I finally did end it because I was basing it on actions not his words, anymore. I guess I just cant believe i was lied to like this. Im so done! MM rarely leave their marriages. Cheating for most men is about sex and cake eating. Even if a MM says that the W is wizened old hag who keeps him in a cage and feeds him gruel, given the choice he will stay with her because deep down he loves her, or he loves being married, he loves the status, he loves his kids; he loves his home, his friends and the life he has as a married man.. You protected yourself and your heart by ending it. Keep looking after yourself and do not ever let yourself be suckered into a web of lies and deceit ever again. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
jellybean89 Posted March 9, 2015 Share Posted March 9, 2015 So you want her to throw him out cause he doesn't have the courage, spine, balls..whatever...to leave. You think this is love? If he loved you, he would be with you. It really is that simple. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 9, 2015 Share Posted March 9, 2015 Im not ever calling her again, but im glad I did, she said she was glad I did also. I finally did end it because I was basing it on actions not his words, anymore. I guess I just cant believe i was lied to like this. Im so done! Affairs are based on a lie, on the expense of innocent spouses. Some MM more honest with their AP's, some aren't. Yours seems to have lied to you a lot as well. I hope you mean it! (That you're done). 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mal78 Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 Perhaps with what little dignity she has left after d-day and knowing he expects the reaction of anger she has chosen the opposite response. So many WSs expect anger and uses that as an anchor to leave then the unexpected happens... they aren't angry. In fact the BS become empathetic and appoligetic. They take ownership in their participation in the breakdown of their marriage and understands how the A happened. Then the WS sees their spouse in a whole new light. Admiration and respect ensues. Then healing begins. Reality hits and waywards really question what to do next. It is quite classic, not shocking. Be prepared that he may never leave his wife for you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author farrah5451 Posted March 10, 2015 Author Share Posted March 10, 2015 So you want her to throw him out cause he doesn't have the courage, spine, balls..whatever...to leave. You think this is love? If he loved you, he would be with you. It really is that simple. Its really not that simple. Iknow he loved me, I also know he was hoping she would throw him out. My MM has worked hard to give his family a home and provide for them. they struggle financially. He his teenagers would hate him. He didnt have anywhere to go, couldn't afford another place, but to tell your W yohr in love with someone else is hard enough. To say im leaving , I know he felt like that would be a scumbag move, hence the W throwing him out. I wish it was that simple. Im moving on now Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 Its really not that simple. Iknow he loved me, I also know he was hoping she would throw him out. My MM has worked hard to give his family a home and provide for them. they struggle financially. He his teenagers would hate him. He didnt have anywhere to go, couldn't afford another place, but to tell your W yohr in love with someone else is hard enough. To say im leaving , I know he felt like that would be a scumbag move, hence the W throwing him out. I wish it was that simple. Im moving on now So you think it would any easier for her to throw him out? Especially since it seems she still loves her husband. Move on then and stay away from him and stop focusing on their marriage and what his wife does or doesn't do. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 it is bizarre. so after D Day I separated from my husband and MM was gently trying to break it to his wife that he was leaving ,well a month and a half later ,he is still there. The entire month and a half, he has been seeing me and speaking to me constantly. telling me we are going to be together he has made his decision to be with me he has never wavered from that he always said we would be together. I'm his destiny, soul mate, love of his life. He told his entire family about me, made sure he had a place to go once he left. He told me he told her many times, even in front of therapist, that he's in love with me. But he told me he's having a hard time saying ,"Im leaving" . every time I suggested stacking out of this relationship he would talk me out of it. Then his family had a discussion with him and talked him into going no contact with me for at least a month to give his wife a chance to see if they could work it out. We met we cried, we said goodbye. he called me 5 days later in tears saying he cannot go a month without talking to me. I asked him if he had come to any conclusions during those 5 days and he said no he's still stuck he wants to be with me he always has but he's having a hard time leaving. he said he had no doubts on my end he was a hundred percent sure he wanted to be with me but the kids and the house and the wife and his financial struggles and what's going to happen to them and all those worries and fears would overwhelm him.so I decided to text him a goodbye message which I did and he called me immediately sobbing. I decided to answer the one call because I knew he would be hurting as was I. He tried to talk me out of it and kept me on the phone. he asked me if I would call his wife. I think he wanted me to tell her the entire truth maybe that would spark her throwing him out? Twice I had thought I was pregnant and he was happy about it saying to me, now we will be together sooner than you think and he was genuinely happy about it. so I called her 5 days ago and I was very very kind to her and she was very civil with me. I still protected him through out the conversation. I told her I ended it, which I did.she seemed happy that I would be out of the way. She feels with me out of the way things will get back to normal. We spoke for an hour. I then told My MM about it and told him shes never leaving. I said I have to say goodbye. We were crying he was telling me he's not saying goodbye, because he knows he will be with me. He said he will not make me wait forever. He loves me with every ounce of his heart. I told him the same then he'll always be part of me. that was 5 days ago. I've been depressed, crying, I try to keep busy but I feel a void inside of me that I know will never be replaced. I'm devastated So basically you lied to her to protect him. You didn't tell her the truth which was MM said he was in love with you, you are the love of his life and he was planning on leaving her to be with you. If you had told her the truth she may be planning to leave instead of working on her marriage with this coward. He certainly isn't doing her any favors by staying and still sleezing around with you. You should have told her the truth because he certainly has not. I call bulls.hit on what he told you. People with children (especially almost grown kids) divorce all the time, get jobs, sell their homes, regroup and move on with their lives. You should have told the truth in the 60 minutes that you spoke with her. Link to post Share on other sites
Arieswoman Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 farrah5451, I can't speak for all the Bs's in the world but here's my 6penneth. 1. Your MM is a liar. It goes with the territory. Unless you are a fly on the wall you have no idea what he did or didn't say to his wife. 2. If he had really wanted to be with you, he would have left her. Simple. The few women I know whose husbands actually left them for the OW did so within 2 months of meeting her. 3. If she is not angry then either she's "keeping her powder dry" getting quietly lawyered up and preparing to slap him with a divorce petition so hard it'll make his eyeballs water or - she blames herself and is so desperate to keep him that she's not rocking the boat. or 4. and more likely, she's been chewing his ear off ever since she found out and he's lying about it. In any event it doesn't matter as he obviously isn't leaving her and your affair is over. Move on. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
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