BW hasn't shown any anger, will she ever?

[minimariah]

Its really not that simple. Iknow he loved me, I also know he was hoping she would throw him out. My MM has worked hard to give his family a home and provide for them. they struggle financially. He his teenagers would hate him. He didnt have anywhere to go, couldn't afford another place, but to tell your W yohr in love with someone else is hard enough. To say im leaving , I know he felt like that would be a scumbag move, hence the W throwing him out. I wish it was that simple. Im moving on now

 

how does this make sense to you?

serious question.

 

dude thinks being honest & leaving is a scumbag move but cheating & making his W do it isn't? how is that better?

 

he doesn't want to leave.

you know... sometimes, it really IS that simple. but people see and hear only what they want to see and hear.

 

he isn't going anywhere.

even if his W does throw him out, mark my words.

[snappytomcat]

how does this make sense to you?

serious question.

 

dude thinks being honest & leaving is a scumbag move but cheating & making his W do it isn't? how is that better?

 

he doesn't want to leave.

you know... sometimes, it really IS that simple. but people see and hear only what they want to see and hear.

 

he isn't going anywhere.

even if his W does throw him out, mark my words.

 

so true minimariah

on dday I kicked my xws out,but he wouldn't leave said he didn't want to be without me blah blah blah,i gave him the greenlight to be with his soulmate the xow,and I left of course he begged and begged for me to come home,i just don't understand what goes through their minds sometimes

 

 

oh and to the ops question,i wasn't mad at first either,which was even scarier cause I do have quite the temper,or maybe she is mad but hasn't told you that,either way it doesn't matter,its her pain to deal with how she wants

[farrah5451]

So basically you lied to her to protect him. You didn't tell her the truth which was MM said he was in love with you, you are the love of his life and he was planning on leaving her to be with you. If you had told her the truth she may be planning to leave instead of working on her marriage with this coward. He certainly isn't doing her any favors by staying and still sleezing around with you. You should have told her the truth because he certainly has not. I call bulls.hit on what he told you. People with children (especially almost grown kids) divorce all the time, get jobs, sell their homes, regroup and move on with their lives. You should have told the truth in the 60 minutes that you spoke with her.

 

you're right I should have told her the truth. Actually I told her hardly anything about what really went on. I know what he had told her. And I protected him. she asked if we used condoms I said yes. We never did. I could have told her things that would have made her hit the floor. but I just couldn't do it. down deep that's not the right way to do things. That's not how I want him to leave either. She did tell me that he has told her ,he's in love with me and he is very conflicted and he did not want to say goodbye to me. that's why she wanted me to leave.she didn't tell me she loved her husband at all. after our conversation I wondered to myself, if I should have told her everything, but honestly I don't think it would have changed her mind I think she still would have stayed. It was up to him to do it. He didnt.

[farrah5451]

So you think it would any easier for her to throw him out? Especially since it seems she still loves her husband.

 

Move on then and stay away from him and stop focusing on their marriage and what his wife does or doesn't do.

 

Im not really focusing on what she is doing. Its more, as a woman, I dont understand how you can stay with a man that is telling you he's in love with someone else. So now im out of the picture. She knows its over because I ended it. He wouldnt. I, personally wouldn't be able to stay knowing that. I guess im having a hard time understanding it.

[spookysonata]

Im not really focusing on what she is doing. Its more, as a woman, I dont understand how you can stay with a man that is telling you he's in love with someone else. So now im out of the picture. She knows its over because I ended it. He wouldnt. I, personally wouldn't be able to stay knowing that. I guess im having a hard time understanding it.

 

Oh, he told her he was in love with you?

If that were true he'd be with you. He's with her. Just maybe...she knows him better than you do.

But really, does it matter? You come across as trying to look down on her for staying when you don't know what's going on between the two of them and it's not your business anyway. If you're moving on...move on.

[farrah5451]

Oh, he told her he was in love with you?

If that were true he'd be with you. He's with her. Just maybe...she knows him better than you do.

But really, does it matter? You come across as trying to look down on her for staying when you don't know what's going on between the two of them and it's not your business anyway. If you're moving on...move on.

 

To answer your question, yes he has been telling her he's in love with me. When I spoke to the W , she confirmed that. I am moving on, I ended it , im not contacting him but im hurting, I need to vent. Thats why im here. I dont look down on her, I dont understand it. I could never stay with my husband if he told me hes been having an affair and is in love and will not say goodbye to her. Maybe theres a lot of denial , I dont know, probably never will.

[spookysonata]

To answer your question, yes he has been telling her he's in love with me. When I spoke to the W , she confirmed that. I am moving on, I ended it , im not contacting him but im hurting, I need to vent. Thats why im here. I dont look down on her, I dont understand it. I could never stay with my husband if he told me hes been having an affair and is in love and will not say goodbye to her. Maybe theres a lot of denial , I dont know, probably never will.

 

"She stays with her cheater husband who tells her he loves another woman...I would NEVER do that!"

...smacks of condescension. Plus, you had an opportunity to be honest with her and you choose to lie instead.

Talk is cheap. If he were in love with you, he'd be with you. Rant away, but be aware you're not making yourself look very sympathetic.

[Mal78]

To answer your question, yes he has been telling her he's in love with me. When I spoke to the W , she confirmed that. I am moving on, I ended it , im not contacting him but im hurting, I need to vent. Thats why im here. I dont look down on her, I dont understand it. I could never stay with my husband if he told me hes been having an affair and is in love and will not say goodbye to her. Maybe theres a lot of denial , I dont know, probably never will.

 

The irony in these statements is almost comical. "I would never stay with my husband if he told me...."

Umm, this said man IS the same man YOU are in love with

 

"I don't look down on her..."

Oh wow, very gracious of you.

 

"Maybe there is alot of denial"

You think?!? Oh...wait... you are referring to the wife.. crap.

 

Ok, all "pointing out the obvious" aside I believe you are in pain. I can imagine you are hurt beyond comprehension. You will heal, you will move on and this will get better.

 

Is the pain comparable to what his wife is going through? To you, probably not. She has him, you don't. However it's the investment they have long before you step in the picture.

 

Again, as I have mentioned before your story isn't abnormal. It isn't odd or strange. It's typical. Typically MM do not leave their *lives* for their OW. Not enough investment to be worth the return.

 

Was he in love with you. Possibly. If not, he really thought he was. However which life was real? His real life with his real wife or this "other" life with his "other" women?

[minimariah]

I dont look down on her, I dont understand it. I could never stay with my husband if he told me hes been having an affair and is in love and will not say goodbye to her.

 

different strokes for different folks.

just like i don't understand how can you love a man who waits for his W to kick him instead of leaving the relationship himself. i don't understand how can you love a man who will come to you just because his wife got rid of him. how can you love someone so spineless?

 

if that was my MM, we would be DONE & i would never stay with someone who expects his wife to do the dirty work. like, what are we... 12? a grown man won't take responsibility for his actions and life but waits for his wife to do so? girl, bye.

[darkmoon]

she is not doing what you hope for and hating on him, she is an astute woman winning him back thru charm, just when you hoped to ruin their lives, date somebody single next time

[Friskyone4u]

Farrah

Your boyfriend wants to cake eat and have you to have sex with and not endure the financial hardships a divorce will bring . Not a unique ending . Never ceases to amaze me how OW always believe a man will throw his wife and children under the bus to be with the mistress . I know he told younger loves you. Boys have probably been telling you that since you were sixteen years old to get In your pants.

I have not read your other threads but it seems like your husband is just a left behind betrayed spouse that you could care less about.

Once you get your head on straight and get divorced , I'd take the suggestion that someone else made to you to try to find a single man. You might find that less damaging

[farrah5451]

she is not doing what you hope for and hating on him, she is an astute woman winning him back thru charm, just when you hoped to ruin their lives, date somebody single next time

 

If I wanted to ruin their lives, I would have told the W everything. I didnt have the heart to do that. I saw him as this wonderful guy. Today is one week NC. Im just beginning to see him for what he really was. After being put down for over 20 years along comes this man who made me feel on top of the world. I didn't want to look at him the way everyone else saw him but im starting too. Ty

[pheonixrisen]

To answer your question, yes he has been telling her he's in love with me. When I spoke to the W , she confirmed that. I am moving on, I ended it , im not contacting him but im hurting, I need to vent. Thats why im here. I dont look down on her, I dont understand it. I could never stay with my husband if he told me hes been having an affair and is in love and will not say goodbye to her. Maybe theres a lot of denial , I dont know, probably never will.

 

This post is so weird ...specifically the bolded ..

you stayed in an affair with a man who is married to someone else ...(not sure for how long ) ...but are judging a woman who wishes to stay in marriage with her husband. ...not yours or someone else's h...her own h...get off your high horse he says he is in love with you but stays with wife ...why ? is she tying him up at home that he can't leave...or is it just you hoping she kicks him out for you...what a way for him to come to you then .. would be just by default ...you are angry he does not leave direct it at him not her.

[cocorico]

hi everyone,

well its been about a month and a half that the BW has known about our 9 month fair. She has not shown any anger, she has not broken down, there have been some tears and a thousand questions to my AP. He's even shocked, he said she's acting like she was the one who cheated. She's been trying to be the perfect wife. He's told her he's in love with me many times , he has told her he loves her in a different way.I guess I just don't understand and I was wondering will she ever get angry about this? She knows its been over now for about 5 days. She knows this because I called her and I told her I ended it. Im hoping to hear from any BWs out there that can tell me , is this the normal reaction?

 

Just as there are many kinds of As, there are many kinds of BS and so many kinds of responses. My H's xBW, when he told her about the A, laughed at him and told him he was lying, because "who would want him?"

 

Trying to understand a BS's response to infidelity as an AP is a little pointless. I'm sure many of them do not understand it themselves. Most have been blindsided, many times because the R seemed perfectly fine to them. Denial is not unusual. For those for whom it is a big shock, processing the information on an emotional as well as intellectual level takes time, and the response you're seeing now may still change later.

 

You've walked away. It's probably healthiest just to shake your head at her, at him, and at their both choosing to stay in a strange R that is of their making and their choosing.... and move on to your own exciting future with someone who is a little more rational and less perplexing.

[sandylee1]

I dont understand how you can stay with a man that is telling you he's in love with someone else.

I guess im having a hard time understanding it.

 

 

If he told her this and she remains in the marriage, I really have no sympathy for her. Where is the self respect?

 

I understand that she may love him. But if my H said this to me, I'd be proceeding with a D.

[minimariah]

If he told her this and she remains in the marriage, I really have no sympathy for her. Where is the self respect?

 

I understand that she may love him. But if my H said this to me, I'd be proceeding with a D.

 

but why isn't HE leaving if he's in love with someone else?

why should SHE be the one who needs to leave?

 

maybe she wants to stay for the children + money + comfortable life. it isn't easy to start over - maybe she isn't staying because she loves him at all.

 

i'm confused at people questioning HER & her reasons for staying but being totally okay with his.

[ladydesigner]

If he told her this and she remains in the marriage, I really have no sympathy for her. Where is the self respect?

 

I understand that she may love him. But if my H said this to me, I'd be proceeding with a D.

 

Well it's better than him lying to her like my WH did and then took the A underground for what? to have another Dday.

 

D is not as easy as it seems. If it were I would be divorced.

[farrah5451]

but why isn't HE leaving if he's in love with someone else?

why should SHE be the one who needs to leave?

 

maybe she wants to stay for the children + money + comfortable life. it isn't easy to start over - maybe she isn't staying because she loves him at all.

 

i'm confused at people questioning HER & her reasons for staying but being totally okay with his.

 

Im not blaming the W, I blame him.

[sandylee1]

Well it's better than him lying to her like my WH did and then took the A underground for what? to have another Dday.

 

D is not as easy as it seems. If it were I would be divorced.

 

Yes, I agree it's better than lying, but how happy can that household be?. It's not about him leaving or her leaving, it's about ending the marriage when your spouse tells you they love someone else.

 

For me, if it's about the comfort and lifestyle, then we can both remain in the house (for the kids) and I would start dating and look for someone else. Is tell him he is free to date anyone else because I wouldn't be physical with him anymore.

 

I don't see why I should live in a sexless marriage or be with a man whose heart is elsewhere. If I was sleeping with him I'd be imagining that he was thinking of her. No way will i do that, no matter how much I love someone. I just couldn't set myself up for pain.

 

To know that my H was only staying because of the kids, or because D would be too expensive, yeah, not for me.

 

The hurt would just have me in tears everyday, if I didn't move on from my H emotionally and physically.

 

I'm also not one for letting my daughter think that being married to a man who loves another woman is acceptable.

[sandylee1]

but why isn't HE leaving if he's in love with someone else?

why should SHE be the one who needs to leave?

 

maybe she wants to stay for the children + money + comfortable life. it isn't easy to start over - maybe she isn't staying because she loves him at all.

 

i'm confused at people questioning HER & her reasons for staying but being totally okay with his.

 

I question her reasons, because she's the one who has been told her H loves another woman.

 

Now it could be she's getting her ducks in a row and is planning to leave. If she has a plan. ...good for her. But if not, she's basically giving him a free pass.

 

But really I struggle to comprehend why. For his why? Who knows. Probably the money he'd pay out in a D, the shame of leaving your W for another woman and not wanting the kids to hate him.

 

I wonder what she said when he told her. Because if I was told I'd be saying to my H, okay so you're leaving then? You want a divorce? Because why else is he telling her? I'm just wondering what the man expected to happen next.

[the_artist_1970]

Im not ever calling her again, but im glad I did, she said she was glad I did also. I finally did end it because I was basing it on actions not his words, anymore. I guess I just cant believe i was lied to like this. Im so done!

 

You really can't believe that a MM would cheat on his W would not lie to you? In order for him to cheat on his W, he has to be a liar.

 

I hope that you didn't leave your H for this guy. (SMH)

[the_artist_1970]

To answer your question, yes he has been telling her he's in love with me. When I spoke to the W , she confirmed that. I am moving on, I ended it , im not contacting him but im hurting, I need to vent. Thats why im here. I dont look down on her, I dont understand it. I could never stay with my husband if he told me hes been having an affair and is in love and will not say goodbye to her. Maybe theres a lot of denial , I dont know, probably never will.

 

Well, I have a friend whose DH had an A and fell in love with his AP. He was conflicted about leaving. My friend and her DH had allowed their M to go stale. When my friend's DH told her that he was conflicted and thought he wanted to leave my friend sat him down and asked him to work on their M and if in one year he wanted to leave she would be OK with it. My friend and her husband recreated a better marriage and found the love that they once had for each other. That was over ten years ago, they are still married (30 years) and have a blissfully happy M. When we spoke to my friend's DH a couple of years ago, he says that every day he thanks God that he didn't leave his W and he will spend the rest of his life loving her. That's the thing about getting involved with a MM. Love is just a feeling and in M, love can come and go but if you have a history with each other and you once had a happy M, it isn't unusual to reignite the fires. That's why its not wise to gamble on a MM.

[darkmoon]

If I wanted to ruin their lives, I would have told the W everything. I didnt have the heart to do that. I saw him as this wonderful guy. Today is one week NC. Im just beginning to see him for what he really was. After being put down for over 20 years along comes this man who made me feel on top of the world. I didn't want to look at him the way everyone else saw him but im starting too. Ty

 

will she show any anger, you ask in the title, no, she has not, and has prolly forgotten about you, as her marriage would come first

[farrah5451]

Yes, I agree it's better than lying, but how happy can that household be?. It's not about him leaving or her leaving, it's about ending the marriage when your spouse tells you they love someone else.

 

For me, if it's about the comfort and lifestyle, then we can both remain in the house (for the kids) and I would start dating and look for someone else. Is tell him he is free to date anyone else because I wouldn't be physical with him anymore.

 

I don't see why I should live in a sexless marriage or be with a man whose heart is elsewhere. If I was sleeping with him I'd be imagining that he was thinking of her. No way will i do that, no matter how much I love someone. I just couldn't set myself up for pain.

 

To know that my H was only staying because of the kids, or because D would be too expensive, yeah, not for me.

 

The hurt would just have me in tears everyday, if I didn't move on from my H emotionally and physically.

 

I'm also not one for letting my daughter think that being married to a man who loves another woman is acceptable.

 

Thats exactly what im thinking. He thought she would throw him out because she always threatened that, but she didnt. My H caled her to and there was a heated exchange of words, MM told me she began to cook dinner right after , like nothing happened. Now MM called me crying , hes depressed, saying she is trying to be the perfect wife asking him , whats wrong, youre not yourself? ??? Hes begging me to not fall in love with someone else, to wait for him as he has to work thru this for himself.

[pheonixrisen]

Thats exactly what im thinking. He thought she would throw him out because she always threatened that, but she didnt. My H caled her to and there was a heated exchange of words, MM told me she began to cook dinner right after , like nothing happened. Now MM called me crying , hes depressed, saying she is trying to be the perfect wife asking him , whats wrong, Hes begging me to not fall in love with someone else, to wait for him as he has to work thru this for himself.

 

He is crying asking you to wait for him ? I wonder while talking to you if his wife tied him to the phone ...If he is calling you ...why not he is walking out of the house...

 

So he can only leave ...If she kicks him out ...again is that the way you want him ...by default??