She Ruined My Life, and I Let Her

[LifeWasted]

I'm 46 years old. I'm a cabinetmaker and finish carpenter by trade, and very skilled at what I do. I was married once a long time ago in the late 80s. That marriage, to my high school sweetheart ended after three years when she cheated on me with a good friend.

 

I was so heartbroken that it basically ruined me for marriage. I remained a contented bachelor for decades. I built up a very good custom cabinet and antique restoration business and made very good money as a sole proprietor. I ran that business for over twenty years. Then she came into my life.

 

I stayed unmarried all those years until two years ago when I met my girlfriend. We met on an online chat room. We became friends, then by chance she was visiting a relative in my state and I arranged to drive a hundred miles to see her.

We were instantly attracted to each other, and the online relationship turned into a long distance emotional affair. We sexted, called each other almost every night. I even bought her a cell phone and mailed it to her so she could have a phone on my plan.

 

After a year of her flying out to see me and me flying to see her whenever we could, she finally put her foot down and begged me to move out to her state to live with her. She has a teenage daughter and did not want to disrupt her life by moving her to my state. Also, she could not leave her state because of her sick parents. She is their only child.

 

I was in love, so I threw caution to the wind. I sold my business, sold my house and workshop, sold most of my woodworking equipment and packed all I had into a 27 foot covered trailer. I moved 1,300 miles to be with her.

 

Once here it took me a while to find steady work. I lived off my saving and got busy fixing up her house to sell. Throughout 2014 we had a great relationship. She is beautiful, 48 years old and I was told by all her friends that she was considered a real catch whom many men in her circle had been after. They told me how lucky I was.

 

She has a big circle of friends, many of them wealthy. She never really told me how social she was, but she would go out with girlfriends weekly and it seemed like every weekend she had big plans for us to go do big fun things with all her friends. It was fun at first, but I got a bit tired of it and ended up cutting back on a lot of the social activities. I like people, but I'm not a gregarious person...not like her. I also don't drink much. Her friends drink like fish, and to my concern she did to. I didn't realize how much she liked to party.

 

By New Years this year I began to notice she was developing a bad attitude towards me...lie she was getting sick of me. I couldn't figure it out. I treated her like a queen, never abused her or raised my voice to her. I helped out around the house, cooked, cleaned and even took her daughter to her sports when she couldn't make it. Sex was awesome.

 

When she was at work I was remodeling her house. I put over $10,000 of my own money into it, not to mention hundreds of hours of labor. I did a great job and her friends marveled at how good her house was turning out. The plan was she was going to sell it for a big profit, we would marry, and then find a smaller house to settle down in. But in December I got a job working for a local cabinetmaker...something to tide me over while I worked on getting my state contractors license. It was then, after I went back to work that her attitude started to change. She became cold and distant almost overnight. I was wondering what I had done wrong.

 

We limped along for the past two months, her barely talking to me and me growing more hurt and frustrated. Every time I would ask her why she was acting this way she would shut down or get angry.

 

Well This past Friday night I found out why. She has been sleeping around with a guy from her social circle. One of her girlfriends spilled the beans to me during a dinner party. I was devastated and when we got home I confronted her. At first she denied it, then Saturday morning she admitted to it. We fought and I called her every name in the book. My felt like my soul had been ripped out. She apologized and said she would break it off with him, but almost immediately she was on her phone texting all her girlfriends and shut down on me again.

 

I plan on taking the day off tomorrow and moving out while she is at work. I'm physically ill right now. She is asleep in the bedroom and I'm in the guest room. Her daughter knows, because I told her, and she is devastated too.

 

I'm so gutted and scared and angry. I gave up everything to be with this woman. I'm such a damned fool!

[writergal]

You are not a fool. You took a huge risk with this woman and it didn't work out. You didn't waste your life. I'm sorry that this happened to you. Do you have any friends or allies in her local city that you moved to, who can help you move out, find a new place to live?

 

I don't blame you for being angry or feeling gutted because what she did to you -- cheated on you with her male friend -- is reprehensible considering you gave up your entire life and livelihood to move to be with her.

 

I hope you have resources and emotional support there. I think it's wise for you to move out tomorrow because it will make it easier for you to forget her and move on with your life. Again, I'm so sorry that this has happened to you. No one ever expects their significant other to cheat on them and lie about it. But when that happens, it's hard to recover from such betrayal and trust that person ever again.

[drifter777]

Get your belongings and move back to where you came from. Thank God you didn't marry or have kids with her. You got off lucky!

[Mr. Lucky]

I stayed unmarried all those years until two years ago when I met my girlfriend. We met on an online chat room. We became friends, then by chance she was visiting a relative in my state and I arranged to drive a hundred miles to see her.

We were instantly attracted to each other, and the online relationship turned into a long distance emotional affair. We sexted, called each other almost every night. I even bought her a cell phone and mailed it to her so she could have a phone on my plan.

 

After a year of her flying out to see me and me flying to see her whenever we could, she finally put her foot down and begged me to move out to her state to live with her. She has a teenage daughter and did not want to disrupt her life by moving her to my state. Also, she could not leave her state because of her sick parents. She is their only child.

 

I was in love, so I threw caution to the wind. I sold my business, sold my house and workshop, sold most of my woodworking equipment and packed all I had into a 27 foot covered trailer. I moved 1,300 miles to be with her.

 

How much time did you physically spend together before you moved to her state?

 

Mr. Lucky

[beach]

You can figure that the money you put into her house was like rent money you would have paid somewhere else.

 

You can't trust her - so there's no valid reason to stay.

 

Maybe you can move somewhere else you'd love to live. Rent a place and buy some new tools and start fresh.

 

I agree, you're lucky you found out before you married her.

 

Sorry - it sucks.

[loveboid]

I would take this as an opportunity to do something that you love. This is a new, blank chapter of your life. Write something great.

[sandylee1]

I'm so sorry about this. You are NOT a fool. You can't control other people's actions. This is in no way your fault. She had a good man and threw it all away, SHE is the fool NOT you.

She is not a good person and you deserve so much better than her. You are doing the right thing by moving out. No marriage and no kids, so just move on and know that she is a very selfish ungrateful woman.

 

After you gave up so much to be with her and she does this. She's not worthy of your love.

 

I know you've had two really bad experiences with cheating women, but not all women are like this. There are trustworthy women out there. Do not let these women define who you are. They are the problem. They will get their just desserts.

 

Keep posting for support.

[LifeWasted]

How much time did you physically spend together before you moved to her state?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

About 5 times total during 2013, the longest time haviing been two weeks during the Christmas holiday 2013. Then I moved out here at the end of January 2014.

[LifeWasted]

Thank you all for your suport. Last night she came in my room and snuggled up next to me trying to hold me. I got up immediately, grabbed a blanket and went down and slept on the couch. I could hear her crying upstairs. Needless to say I didn't sleep much.

 

I got dressed quietly and went in to the office early. I called my boss and explained the situation to him and he understands that I need to take the day off. Hes a good guy and even offered to let me take one of our shop workers with me to help load up my stuff.

 

I'm heading back over there now. She has been texting me since she woke up but I haven't responded. Once she gets to work she will have to stop and I can do what I need to do without distractions. I can't stop crying. This hurts as bad as when I found out my first wife was cheating on me. I don't want to go through this again.

 

I'll let you all know how it pans out later this evening.

[No Limit]

You played and you lost. You're not financially attached to her in the slightest, everyday there are a lot of men who make such discoveries and are in a far worse position than you are. Move back home as soon as you can and leave the bad memories behind you.

 

edit; And don't fall for her fake tears.

Edited March 9, 2015 by No Limit

[road]

Yes pack up and move back home.

 

 

I have to ask did you drastically cut back/stop going out with your GF when she was partying with her social circle of friends?

[DatingDirection]

Thank you all for your suport. Last night she came in my room and snuggled up next to me trying to hold me. I got up immediately, grabbed a blanket and went down and slept on the couch. I could hear her crying upstairs. Needless to say I didn't sleep much.

 

I got dressed quietly and went in to the office early. I called my boss and explained the situation to him and he understands that I need to take the day off. Hes a good guy and even offered to let me take one of our shop workers with me to help load up my stuff.

 

I'm heading back over there now. She has been texting me since she woke up but I haven't responded. Once she gets to work she will have to stop and I can do what I need to do without distractions. I can't stop crying. This hurts as bad as when I found out my first wife was cheating on me. I don't want to go through this again.

 

I'll let you all know how it pans out later this evening.

 

 

Oh my, I read all of your posts. Im so sorry youre going through this. I feel awful for you. Don't worry, bc karma will bite her back in life. And some how after the storm, comes the rainbow. just take it minute to minute, think about moving the items, think about how your clothes feel on your body, your breath, and think about each step you take while you move your stuff, just minute to minute, helps, called mindfulness. your doing the right thing by moving out. ive been through this before myself, and the pain went away after a while, and my life is rebuilt again. yours will be too, you just have to take it minute to minute. best of luck you will be ok. I promise.

[Satu]

Sorry to hear about you being in such a painful situation.

 

She turned out not to be the person you thought she was, or the person she portrayed herself as being.

 

She has acted without concern for your wellbeing or that of her daughter.

 

You can walk away now with a clear conscience and begin again.

 

Keep to strict no contact and you will gradually start to feel better.

 

Take very good care of yourself physically and emotionally.

 

Eat enough and eat healthily.

Drink enough water. Thats 2 litres for a male.

Get a bit more rest than you think you need. If you can't sleep, just lie down.

Do some easy exercise - nothing too strenuous.

If you feel physically unwell go to see your doctor.

 

Let us know what is happening. There are a lot of caring people here.

 

Good luck.

[NoC]

OP the thread title is wrong!! It should be "she ruined my life, and I left her"

 

I will try to find the cheapest tickets to North Carolina for you, which is where you need to go. (see sig)

[writergal]

LifeWasted, good luck today moving out of her house. I hope it goes smoothly. Remember, she cheated on you because she felt entitled to...not because you did anything wrong. She cheated because she loves the ego boost she gets from it, rather than her commitment to you and your own well-being. She cheated on you because she's a selfish escapist.

 

Don't accept responsibility for her cheating - and don't let her crocodile tears, her threats, her humiliation sway you to give her a second chance. She lost that chance when she cheated on you!

 

Also, she doesn't get to renegotiate the terms of the relationship with you. She screwed up. This is her fault. She downgraded you from priority to option when she cheated on you. You are no longer a priority to her, so don't make her one. Make yourself the priority right now. Do not feed her ego by asking her what you did wrong, or asking for her forgiveness. You have a right to feel angry for what she did. Do not waste your time trying to figure her out, or why she cheated on you. She cheated on you because she could...so she did. That is reason enough for you to break off all contact and leave her behind in your past and move on with your life.

[drifter777]

Thank you all for your suport. Last night she came in my room and snuggled up next to me trying to hold me. I got up immediately, grabbed a blanket and went down and slept on the couch. I could hear her crying upstairs. Needless to say I didn't sleep much.

 

I got dressed quietly and went in to the office early. I called my boss and explained the situation to him and he understands that I need to take the day off. Hes a good guy and even offered to let me take one of our shop workers with me to help load up my stuff.

 

I'm heading back over there now. She has been texting me since she woke up but I haven't responded. Once she gets to work she will have to stop and I can do what I need to do without distractions. I can't stop crying. This hurts as bad as when I found out my first wife was cheating on me. I don't want to go through this again.

 

I'll let you all know how it pans out later this evening.

Leaving her flat will go a long way toward reestablishing your self-esteem and sense of balance in general. Stay no-contact with her. Every day you put between you and the last time you saw/spoke to her, you will heal a little bit more & your resolve will get a little bit stronger. In your situation there is nothing as effective for healing as walking away. Really, go and don't look back.

[Rainbowlove]

As far as I can see, she messed her life up, not the other way around.

 

Your life is not wasted. Don't give her that much power over you.

 

You are a good man. You trusted her and she wasn't good enough for you. That's really the bottom line and how you should look at it.

 

Any woman that can snag a man like you would be thrilled to have you take the risk you did...her loss.

 

Don't look back. I know your emotions are all over the place. I know you are hurting...it's a terrible situation, but you can put your life back together. You strike me as the kind of man who won't be down for long.

 

Block her, say goodbye to her daughter, get out of the house and rebuild.

 

Best of luck to you.

[irishguy]

Sorry this happened to you , just be glad her friend told you the truth ,Do u know how love this has been going on , it might have been going on your whole relationship. If ye have any shared accounts , make sure to protect yourself so she cant clean you out .If you have no ties to her i would pack everything up and be gone , she doesnt deserve an ounce of your time anymore ,im sure your boss would understand if you decided to leave the area completely.

Edited March 9, 2015 by irishguy

[oldshirt]

Contact a lawyer and see if you can recoup any of the costs of refurbishing her home or any of your moving expenses.

 

If she talked you into moving and refurbishing her home with promises of you benifiting from the proceeds, you may have a civil case for breech of contract and possibly even a case of fraud.

[fellini]

NO I think you made some serious personal mistakes along the way.

 

You don't say much about your first experience with infidelity, so suppose we just say you didn't process too much.

 

But let's separate some things here: YOU did all those things with your money, your time, your investment. YOU sunk 10000 dollars into renovating HER HOUSE on a pretense.

 

NONE of this has anything to do with the infidelity. The infidelity is was NOT part of some plan to get you into her life, to ruin you emotionally and financially. Those are the sad, horrible effects of the decisions you made to let leave yourself financially vulnerable to a woman who owed you nothing, and had nothing but a relationship to offer you.

 

So all that stuff aside. You have a GF who cheated on you. She wants you back. You don't. Those seem to me to be the issues. The other stuff, about recovering your investment in her is something you might have to fight for through the courts in hopes that she will cough up something. But I really fail to see how any of that has anything to do with her issues in cheating on you.

[loveboid]

Contact a lawyer and see if you can recoup any of the costs of refurbishing her home or any of your moving expenses.

 

If she talked you into moving and refurbishing her home with promises of you benifiting from the proceeds, you may have a civil case for breech of contract and possibly even a case of fraud.

 

Nothing was written likely so there's no contract.

[bubbaganoosh]

Get a lawyer and see if you can slap a lien on her house to get your money back. It's worth a shot.

[Elias33]

Thank you all for your suport. Last night she came in my room and snuggled up next to me trying to hold me. I got up immediately, grabbed a blanket and went down and slept on the couch. I could hear her crying upstairs. Needless to say I didn't sleep much.

 

I got dressed quietly and went in to the office early. I called my boss and explained the situation to him and he understands that I need to take the day off. Hes a good guy and even offered to let me take one of our shop workers with me to help load up my stuff.

 

I'm heading back over there now. She has been texting me since she woke up but I haven't responded. Once she gets to work she will have to stop and I can do what I need to do without distractions. I can't stop crying. This hurts as bad as when I found out my first wife was cheating on me. I don't want to go through this again.

 

I'll let you all know how it pans out later this evening.

 

Hope you find some peace in all this. It's a tragic thing you're going through. Just sending you some positive vibes from the LS. You're not alone.

[Mr. Lucky]

About 5 times total during 2013, the longest time having been two weeks during the Christmas holiday 2013. Then I moved out here at the end of January 2014.

 

Sorry you're going through this. I'm probably old school but just feel that people's true nature reveals itself over the course of time together, no substitute available. Anyone can put on a dog-and-pony show for a couple of days or weeks, change that to months/years and the cracks begin to show. You probably rushed into this .

 

It's amazing how many posts in the infidelity sections start with "I met him/her in an online chat room"...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Arieswoman]

Lifewasted,

Take heart, you are not alone in this, some of us here have been through something similar and survived.

 

Remember, you can never control anyone else's behaviour.

 

Whatever you did or didn't do does not give her the excuse to cheat on you.

 

Now repeat that until you believe it.

 

I would move out as soon as you can. I would get a place to rent temporarily while you consider your next move.

You'll need to decide if you want to stay where you are,as you have work there, or go back to your original location. Wherever you decide to go will be a million times better than living with a cheater.

 

 

Good luck.