She Ruined My Life, and I Let Her

[LifeWasted]

I'd be pissed too if that happened to me. Time to remind your "friends" that you don't need nor want them to interfere in your love life. Especially your friends' wives; the same women who protected your xWG while she slept with those other men behind your back.

 

Inviting your xWG to their party without telling you, that is an act of betrayal.

 

Seriously, what is wrong with those people? The road to hell is paved with good intentions.

 

Time to seek out new friends I think. Ones who don't know your xWG.

 

Thing is, I think his wife does want us together. She was not one of the enablers, but she is a do-gooder who has been trying to get us back together. She and my xWGF have been friends since college.

 

I like these people but I'll be damned if I let them manipulate me. I may give that guy a call when I cool off.

[LifeWasted]

Yep; these people aren't your friends... Stay clear and start making new friends.

 

thing is I like them. My jerk-o-meter may be busted.

 

It sucked. She looked beautiful..She ****ing well knew Id be there.

[merrmeade]

It's really about options / choices.

 

It's Autumn here. Almost Winter. It's all very important to a biodynamic gardener like me (like the pre D Day me).

It's a very symbolic time for me. Introspection. Putting goodness into my being, my soul. Preparing the beautiful soil for a new beginning. Spring. New Life. Boundless growth.

I'm yearning so hard for that Spring to come but I'll have to go through Winter to fully appreciate it. I will love this Winter SO MUCH. I'm more determined than I've ever been to have the BEST Spring possible.

 

I know you see my analogy because we are experiencing such similar things. Stay strong my friend.

 

Lion Heart.

This reminded me of something my therapist says she does and now several of her clients as well. I looked it up to tap the origin of the practice and - wouldn't you know, though conceived by someone else, it was popularized by Stephen Covey in his "7 Habits" book, which again brought me back full-circle to LH (which many things do, by the way).

 

Anyway, it's appealing in the way it also forces you to connect with nature while trying to heal in the way that Earth Mother LH seems to be conveying. Here's how it was explained to me:

 

Go somewhere beautiful that speaks to you in a special way. You'll divide up the day in three parts, with four activities or focuses for each part. I think you're supposed to walk, stroll and take in the loveliness. The main thing is to focus on the instructions in all caps. Each segment is supposed to take a few hours (3) except for the last one which you do at the end of the day. If you're at the ocean, the idea is that, after writing your troubles in the sand, the waves wash them away. Otherwise, you brush them away.

1. LISTEN CAREFULLY.
   
2. TRY REACHING BACK.
   
3. EXAMINE YOUR MOTIVES.
   
4. WRITE YOUR TROUBLES IN THE SAND.
   

[writergal]

Thing is, I think his wife does want us together. She was not one of the enablers, but she is a do-gooder who has been trying to get us back together. She and my xWGF have been friends since college.

 

I like these people but I'll be damned if I let them manipulate me. I may give that guy a call when I cool off.

 

 

Manipulate you.

 

That's exactly what this do-gooder has done. There's no good intention behind someone else manipulating you. She can try to justify it to you all she wants, but she was wrong to take matters into her own hands. After all, you have made it known to this small circle of people that you don't want anything to do with your exWGF. And most of them respect and support you for that, right, except for this particular married couple who set you up by inviting your exWGF to their shindig?

 

It's like I said, the road to hell is paved with good intentions. I find it hard to believe that do-gooder's motives to reunite you and your exWGF are genuine. If she really respected you, she would have warned you ahead of time that she had invited your eWGF. The fact that she didn't, shows me that she doesn't respect your feelings and is only focused on doing right by her friend-since-college, despite the fact that her friend lied to and cheated on you. So, her moral compass is broken, if she is going to ignore your boundaries and try to force these so-called spontaneous run-ins with your exWGF and yourself.

 

When you call up do-gooder's husband, be clear with him how you feel about what he did to betray your trust and friendship, so that his wife could embody Glenn Close's character from the movie "Dangerous Liaisons."

 

I would avoid any social events that this married couple invites you to in the future.

[LifeWasted]

Do really think her intentions are devious? I think she just likes happy endings. She wants me to be the forgiving boyfriend. This gal was one of the x's friends who were pressuring us to get married. I wanted to get married but I wanted to get myself established first. i wanted to get myself established before I bought her the ring

 

I'm just a happy go lucky, hard working goofy surfer. I dont have a strategic mind like so many of these people seem to have. they all talk wanting everyone to have marriages, have kids, go to church...yet alot of these people aslo sleep around, cheat like theives...

 

i just dont get it

[LifeWasted]

This reminded me of something my therapist says she does and now several of her clients as well. I looked it up to tap the origin of the practice and - wouldn't you know, though conceived by someone else, it was popularized by Stephen Covey in his "7 Habits" book, which again brought me back full-circle to LH (which many things do, by the way).

 

Anyway, it's appealing in the way it also forces you to connect with nature while trying to heal in the way that Earth Mother LH seems to be conveying. Here's how it was explained to me:

 

Go somewhere beautiful that speaks to you in a special way. You'll divide up the day in three parts, with four activities or focuses for each part. I think you're supposed to walk, stroll and take in the loveliness. The main thing is to focus on the instructions in all caps. Each segment is supposed to take a few hours (3) except for the last one which you do at the end of the day. If you're at the ocean, the idea is that, after writing your troubles in the sand, the waves wash them away. Otherwise, you brush them away.

1. LISTEN CAREFULLY.
   
2. TRY REACHING BACK.
   
3. EXAMINE YOUR MOTIVES.
   
4. WRITE YOUR TROUBLES IN THE SAND.
   

 

You sound like a friend of mine from Napa. Shes an organic chees maker. 123 happy nanny goats. She doesnt let anything in her body that she doesnt gro or harvest herself. Nice gal but a little too hippy dippy for me.

[Paterlany]

Do really think her intentions are devious? I think she just likes happy endings. She wants me to be the forgiving boyfriend. This gal was one of the x's friends who were pressuring us to get married. I wanted to get married but I wanted to get myself established first. i wanted to get myself established before I bought her the ring

 

I'm just a happy go lucky, hard working goofy surfer. I dont have a strategic mind like so many of these people seem to have. they all talk wanting everyone to have marriages, have kids, go to church...yet alot of these people aslo sleep around, cheat like theives...

 

i just dont get it

 

Oh Hun, sorry. I like goofy surfers. dont believe she was being devious. over optimistic. It was wrong though to put you in the situation. Hug.

[LifeWasted]

Oh Hun, sorry. I like goofy surfers. dont believe she was being devious. over optimistic. It was wrong though to put you in the situation. Hug.

 

Well, people are people. I'm not really mad at the gal. I am just amd at the whole situation. I told my xWGF i didn't appreciate being set up like that. Then I left.

[dreamingoftigers]

Thing is, I think his wife does want us together. She was not one of the enablers, but she is a do-gooder who has been trying to get us back together. She and my xWGF have been friends since college.

 

I like these people but I'll be damned if I let them manipulate me. I may give that guy a call when I cool off.

 

If she thinks your xWGF is such great material, let her run away with her.

 

This isn't "doing good." That's really trying to push something you really don't want.

 

This sounds like too many of that group are just going to be too damned intertwined.

 

And it kind of isn't fair to all of you. In reality, your xWGF should be losing out, but really, she isn't going to stop hanging out with her friend from college.

 

So either, adjust to the fact that she is going to float on the fringes and be at the gatherings or distance yourself and find new friends.

[writergal]

Do really think her intentions are devious? I think she just likes happy endings. She wants me to be the forgiving boyfriend. This gal was one of the x's friends who were pressuring us to get married. I wanted to get married but I wanted to get myself established first. i wanted to get myself established before I bought her the ring

 

I'm just a happy go lucky, hard working goofy surfer. I dont have a strategic mind like so many of these people seem to have. they all talk wanting everyone to have marriages, have kids, go to church...yet alot of these people aslo sleep around, cheat like theives...

 

i just dont get it

 

 

She may like happy endings that she played a part in. Is she the type of woman who has to know what's going on in everyone's life? Is she a Ms. Nosey Parker type?

 

Yes, I do think her intentions are devious. But I'm cynical by nature, so I tend to distrust people who hide behind that happy endings excuse like do-gooder does. I like my happy endings to happen fortuitously, or due to my hard work; not because someone else made it happen.

 

If do-gooder has known your exWGF since college, she obviously knows that her friend likes to sleep around and cheat and lie. She can't possibly not know. Not in that small of a town, in that tight group of friends, someone she has known for a long time.

 

That group of people you're around sounds like a homogenous nightmare; everyone needs to be married with kids and attend church. Where is that city, Stepford, U.S.A.? Yikes. You need to surround yourself with more heterogeneous people; a more assorted group who respect your boundaries and accept you for who you are.

 

From reading your posts, I feel like you are just a nice guy who has unfortunately found himself in a new town, surrounded by a machiavellian group of people who seem to live for dangerous liaisons and who possess the moral aptitude of serial liars and cheaters.

[writergal]

If she thinks your xWGF is such great material, let her run away with her.

 

This isn't "doing good." That's really trying to push something you really don't want.

 

This sounds like too many of that group are just going to be too damned intertwined.

 

And it kind of isn't fair to all of you. In reality, your xWGF should be losing out, but really, she isn't going to stop hanging out with her friend from college.

 

So either, adjust to the fact that she is going to float on the fringes and be at the gatherings or distance yourself and find new friends.

 

+1 dreamingoftigers. I agree that do-gooder is trying to push LW into something he doesn't want. Plus, it's not up to do-gooder to make LW's relationship choices for him, especially when it comes to who he chooses to marry. That's why she comes across as a Ms Nosey Parker to me. That whole group is too enmeshed with each other's business, which I think is a side effect of living in a small town or small community.

 

I think it's 100% likely that this won't be the last time these so-called spontaneous run-ins happen, within that small group of exWGF's friends.

 

I would definitely distance yourself from these people and try to find new friends who aren't involved or tied to your exWGF in any way.

[LifeWasted]

Thank you all for your level headed responses.

 

You know, I just refuse to become cynical. Life is too damn short to let people get me down. Yeah, I'm sort of dpressed right now, and seeing her again last night didn't help. And as pissed as I am, I'm not hurting as much. That raw stinging feeling is going away gradually.

 

I will try to make some new friends and hang out with others. But I am going to run into the xWGF from time to time. It is just going to happen. I don't want every meeting we have to be acrimonious or embarrasing or uncomfortable. If I can figure out a way to co-exist in the same town, then I am more than willing to be courteous and friendly to her, even though I want nothing to do with her personally.

 

She looked beautiful last night, but she was nervous and sad looking. She looked lost. I had to fight the urge to talk to her. I said hi, I asked her how her daughter was, we made some small talk, and then I told her I wasn't comfortable being sucked in like that and I left post haste. She never took her eyes off me the whole time I was there. She looked like she was going to cry.

 

You women are such strange, beautiful, irrational creatures.

[Steen719]

Not to be mean, LW, but really, here are the choices.

 

Stop hanging around with these people and find new friends

 

or

 

Continue hanging with them and seeing the XGF.

 

Seeing her and getting mad every time will just put you further in a funk. At this point, your happiness is in your own hands and you can control what you are getting. Up to you.

[LifeWasted]

Not to be mean, LW, but really, here are the choices.

 

Stop hanging around with these people and find new friends

 

or

 

Continue hanging with them and seeing the XGF.

 

Seeing her and getting mad every time will just put you further in a funk. At this point, your happiness is in your own hands and you can control what you are getting. Up to you.

 

That's too simplistic man. I'm a gregarious guy. I like people. I like being around lots of people.

 

Dude, we are ALL f*#ked up in some way or another. All of us. I refuse to let myself be limited. I'm going to try to coexist. I did it in high school with girls I loved and lost, and I can do it again.

[CarrieT]

Continue hanging with them and seeing the XGF.

Also, confront the couple who meddled. Tell them point-blank that you do not appreciate their attempts at match-making and that as much as you enjoy their company, you will not be played with anymore. That there is NO possibility of reconciliation and they need to just stop it. Period. End of Sentence. If they can't refrain from trying to get you two back together, you'll have to refrain from attending any of their events.

 

Call them on it.

[LifeWasted]

Also, confront the couple who meddled. Tell them point-blank that you do not appreciate their attempts at match-making and that as much as you enjoy their company, you will not be played with anymore. That there is NO possibility of reconciliation and they need to just stop it. Period. End of Sentence. If they can't refrain from trying to get you two back together, you'll have to refrain from attending any of their events.

 

Call them on it.

 

THAT is what I will do. I can be direct...painfully direct with people. I'm a Californian, I was born to shoot my mouth off, and I will.

[writergal]

THAT is what I will do. I can be direct...painfully direct with people. I'm a Californian, I was born to shoot my mouth off, and I will.

 

Excellent!!!

[Steen719]

That's too simplistic man. I'm a gregarious guy. I like people. I like being around lots of people.

 

Dude, we are ALL f*#ked up in some way or another. All of us. I refuse to let myself be limited. I'm going to try to coexist. I did it in high school with girls I loved and lost, and I can do it again.

 

Well, 1st, I'm not a DUDE

 

Secondly things can be as difficult as you make them. I am divorced,, I have an XH, I know how social circles go and so I do not socialize with anyone who would be considered my XH's primary friend. Easier for me. If someone tried to push us together, I wouldn't have to circumvent, discuss or anything else. That would be their issue, not mine, as it would be sure to not happen again.

 

If my XH had friends who knew of his infidelity while it was going on and then they tried to remain my friend, I would not entertain that at all.

 

Simplistic, maybe. I too am a friendly person and I have a lot of friends. With all of the people out there to be friends with, why would I open a wound or actually even want to be around my cheating XH and his friends? Nope, not me. I'm courteous when I need to be with him. I am nice to his family who continue to call me. I made it crystal clear there would be no reconciliation and told his sister to please stop that kind of conversation with me.

 

Anyway, that was my 2 cents and I guess it was too simplistic for you, which is fine and for sure, it is your life. It works for me. Good luck.

[Satu]

That's too simplistic man. I'm a gregarious guy. I like people. I like being around lots of people.

 

Dude, we are ALL f*#ked up in some way or another. All of us. *I refuse to let myself be limited. I'm going to try to coexist. I did it in high school with girls I loved and lost, and I can do it again.

 

*One of my most fundamental rules about how I live my life is this:

 

"I go where I want to go, and I do what I want to do."

 

I simply will not allow anyone to limit my freedom of movement and action.

 

I won't decide not to go to a party because person X is there. If I want to go, I go.

 

If person X has a problem with me being there, that's their issue, and I will give it no thought.

 

No limits.

[LifeWasted]

*One of my most fundamental rules about how I live my life is this:

 

"I go where I want to go, and I do what I want to do."

 

I simply will not allow anyone to limit my freedom of movement and action.

 

I won't decide not to go to a party because person X is there. If I want to go, I go.

 

If person X has a problem with me being there, that's their issue, and I will give it no thought.

 

No limits.

 

Yep. No limits.

[Steen719]

*One of my most fundamental rules about how I live my life is this:

 

"I go where I want to go, and I do what I want to do."

 

I simply will not allow anyone to limit my freedom of movement and action.

 

I won't decide not to go to a party because person X is there. If I want to go, I go.

 

If person X has a problem with me being there, that's their issue, and I will give it no thought.

 

No limits.

 

Oh, I agree. I guess the difference is that I would not want to be there. But, I agree. We should all go where we want to with no one else putting limits on us except for us.

[No Limit]

No limits.

 

Did I hear my name?

[Hope Shimmers]

I had to fight the urge to talk to her.

 

I have a feeling that what I am going to say may not be popular, with the others posting on here and also with you. But I am reading things in between the lines of your posts that either other people aren't reading, or that I am just somehow inventing. If it's the latter that's fine, but just in case, here goes.

 

You are a strong man and clearly you don't take sh*t from anyone. Your ego took a massive hit with this woman. However, I think your talk is stronger and more definite than what you feel inside. I think you are hurting a lot more than you let on in these posts. I also think maybe you have not given up on the idea of reconciliation totally - and maybe you shouldn't.

 

If you truly wanted out of this you would not be hanging around with her friends and then coming up with excuses why you are going to continue to do so even after this happened. I don't think you're ready to give up and walk away. Because you haven't walked away. She is still in your rear view mirror.

 

JMHO.

[LifeWasted]

I have a feeling that what I am going to say may not be popular, with the others posting on here and also with you. But I am reading things in between the lines of your posts that either other people aren't reading, or that I am just somehow inventing. If it's the latter that's fine, but just in case, here goes.

 

You are a strong man and clearly you don't take sh*t from anyone. Your ego took a massive hit with this woman. However, I think your talk is stronger and more definite than what you feel inside. I think you are hurting a lot more than you let on in these posts. I also think maybe you have not given up on the idea of reconciliation totally - and maybe you shouldn't.

 

If you truly wanted out of this you would not be hanging around with her friends and then coming up with excuses why you are going to continue to do so even after this happened. I don't think you're ready to give up and walk away. Because you haven't walked away. She is still in your rear view mirror.

 

JMHO.

 

That may very well be the truth. I shall reflect.

[LifeWasted]

Well tomorrow I start working on that spiral staircase. Wish me luck! First I have to take a bunch of pictures, then I have to put them on a plotting program, then I build a 3-D model to get the shape correct, and the we dismantle it, bring the pieces back to the shop and start carving. I have $7,000 worth of raw cherry wood coming in this week to start the carving process.

 

It will take about three months and 2000 man hours to rebuild it.

 

I love this stuff.