She Ruined My Life, and I Let Her

[LifeWasted]

The mind movies will fade over time.

 

 

Keep your mind busy with positive projects that get you closer to your goals.

 

 

Is the ExGf keeping her distance now and leaving you alone?

 

No. She sent me flowers yesterday (it was my birthday) with a note telling me she loves and misses me even though I won't let her be with me. I gave them to our receptionist.

[happyman64]

Can I make one suggestion to you LW?

 

 

Reply to her letter.

 

 

Keep it simple.

 

 

Tell her to focus on herself. She needs counseling for herself.

 

 

Encourage her to get to the root of her issues that allowed her to lie to your face as well as cheat on you with multiple guys.

 

 

You not asking her to get married is total BS. Call her out on it.

 

 

Tell her to focus on herself, her daughter and her own personal happiness.

 

 

That is the least she could do for herself, her daughter and for you.

 

 

Be that man.

 

 

You can 180 her. But if you really love her then encourage her to be the woman she promised to be.

 

 

HM

[autumnnight]

Can I make one suggestion to you LW?

 

 

Reply to her letter.

 

 

Keep it simple.

 

 

Tell her to focus on herself. She needs counseling for herself.

 

 

Encourage her to get to the root of her issues that allowed her to lie to your face as well as cheat on you with multiple guys.

 

 

You not asking her to get married is total BS. Call her out on it.

 

 

Tell her to focus on herself, her daughter and her own personal happiness.

 

 

That is the least she could do for herself, her daughter and for you.

 

 

Be that man.

 

 

You can 180 her. But if you really love her then encourage her to be the woman she promised to be.

 

 

HM

 

I absolutely understand the good motive for this.

 

But I disagree. The ex who just cheated on me is making stupid decisions for the wrong reasons. I loved him dearly. But when he chose to cheat, he chose not to have my help or insight. NC was the best option for ME. Doing anything to try to fix him would have been further investment.

[writergal]

I disagree with your advice 100%. Why are you encouraging LW to keep in contact with this woman? He doesn't owe her anything. In fact, all that 180 advice is bad. "Be that man?" Please. LW has already proven that he's "that man" based on his decisions made post-breakup. He doesn't need to respond to the x-WGF's lame letter. Seriously, how does responding to her letter make LW a better man? He already is a better man for getting away from her and her toxic behavior.

 

No contact is the only way for LW to heal. Her letter to him was a manipulative tactic aka breadcrumb. She wants to keep him on a teeter-totter emotionally, so that she can manipulate him into taking her back.

 

Ignore her letter and any contact that she makes, LW. It's the only way you will be able to forget her and move on with your life. She is not a good person, period.

 

Can I make one suggestion to you LW?

 

 

Reply to her letter.

 

 

Keep it simple.

 

 

Tell her to focus on herself. She needs counseling for herself.

 

 

Encourage her to get to the root of her issues that allowed her to lie to your face as well as cheat on you with multiple guys.

 

 

You not asking her to get married is total BS. Call her out on it.

 

 

Tell her to focus on herself, her daughter and her own personal happiness.

 

 

That is the least she could do for herself, her daughter and for you.

 

 

Be that man.

 

 

You can 180 her. But if you really love her then encourage her to be the woman she promised to be.

 

 

HM

[happyman64]

It's the only way you will be able to forget her and move on with your life. She is not a good person, period.

 

 

Well guess what. Maybe you haven't noticed but LW is displaced.

 

 

He is in her hometown.

Her friends are her friends.

his business associates are tied to this group.

 

 

He will continue to run into this woman for awhile.

 

 

I couldn't think of a better environment for him to show her what a great man truly looks like. And don't think the other men and women in the group wont take notice as well.

 

 

I am not telling him to stay in contact with her. I suggested he respond to her letter. One time. Encourage her to do the right thing.

 

 

I am not suggesting he give her any indication he is still interested in her.

 

 

But do not think he can ignore if he wanted too. For him to do that he would have to move to the next big city and make all new connections and friends.

 

 

And I did not suggest he fix her. I suggested he encourage her to get help. That is all.

 

 

You guys and gals are all great and being supportive of him. I am too.

 

 

I want nothing but the best for LW.

[Lion Heart]

No. She sent me flowers yesterday (it was my birthday) with a note telling me she loves and misses me even though I won't let her be with me. I gave them to our receptionist.

 

Happy to hear you gave the flowers to the receptionist.

 

You can "return to sender" the note or any letters you get. Seriously the sooner you do this and maintain NC the faster she's out of your life. Some never give up. Close to 30y of now only sporadic contact from my 1st H. 10y for a LTR who kept it up. I threatened to send any future letters to his W. Stopped then! Still think I made a mistake not telling her but she'd just given birth. :-(

 

180

NC

 

Good luck

LH

[writergal]

Doesn't make any difference that LW lives in her town now. And, he is not displaced as his posts relate. He's got a full time job, a place to live, a circle of trustworthy friends, possible career as a business partner in the works. As far as I can see, LW already has moved on and is doing quite well for himself than most in his position.

 

Besides, being in the same city as an ex doesn't mean you owe them contact. Why do you think that's necessary? What does it prove for you to stay in touch with an ex you haven't recovered from? I'm in the same city as my exes, but I don't look out for their welfare. They're grown men, they can manage their own lives without my interference. And vice versa. None of them have ever proven to me that they are "that man" after a breakup as I never heard from them again, or vice versa from me. What would be the point of doing that?

 

Once you break up, that's it. The relationship is over. Done. There is no logical reason to accept breadcrumbs of communication from your ex, unless you want to linger in your own emotional pain and secretly want them back in your life. It doesn't seem like LW wants her back. He doesn't need to prove anything to her. Why do you insist that he does?

 

Any response to her breadcrumb letter or flowers, gives HER the impression that he's still interested in her and has feelings for her, no matter what words that he uses. She doesn't want to give up LW yet. That's why she's reaching out. She is chasing him now, because she is a desperate woman.

 

Why does LW have to prove his worth as a man to this woman? Why does she need to hear from him? What good will it do LW to keep the lines of communication open with her? It won't do him or her any good. Neither of them will be able to process the breakup completely if they remain in touch.

 

When you break up, leave the other person alone and get on with your life.

 

Well guess what. Maybe you haven't noticed but LW is displaced.

 

 

He is in her hometown.

Her friends are her friends.

his business associates are tied to this group.

 

 

He will continue to run into this woman for awhile.

 

 

I couldn't think of a better environment for him to show her what a great man truly looks like. And don't think the other men and women in the group wont take notice as well.

 

 

I am not telling him to stay in contact with her. I suggested he respond to her letter. One time. Encourage her to do the right thing.

 

 

I am not suggesting he give her any indication he is still interested in her.

 

 

But do not think he can ignore if he wanted too. For him to do that he would have to move to the next big city and make all new connections and friends.

 

 

And I did not suggest he fix her. I suggested he encourage her to get help. That is all.

 

 

You guys and gals are all great and being supportive of him. I am too.

 

 

I want nothing but the best for LW.

[oldshirt]

Can I make one suggestion to you LW?

 

 

Reply to her letter.

 

 

Keep it simple.

 

 

Tell her to focus on herself. She needs counseling for herself.

 

 

Encourage her to get to the root of her issues that allowed her to lie to your face as well as cheat on you with multiple guys.

 

 

You not asking her to get married is total BS. Call her out on it.

 

 

Tell her to focus on herself, her daughter and her own personal happiness.

 

 

That is the least she could do for herself, her daughter and for you.

 

 

Be that man.

 

 

You can 180 her. But if you really love her then encourage her to be the woman she promised to be.

 

 

HM

 

 

 

I agree with the others, he owes her nothing and he has nothing to gain from doing this. All it will do is stroke her ego and make her think he still cares for her and will make her think that if she acts nice and maybe sees a shrink a couple times he will take her back.

 

 

Poppycock.

 

 

He owes nothing and even if he did this, she doesn't need counseling or to work on herself of anything. She is a full grown woman. If she wanted to be a faithful partner and a decent person, she would be one. She screwed other guys and strung LW along to fix up her house because she wanted to and that is what worked for her. Why would she want to spend time and money sitting in a shrinks office trying to learn to be a decent person when she is already getting what she wants?

 

 

Spending 5 minutes writing her some email is taking 5 minutes away from him and focusing on his life and his wants and his needs. Why would he want to take time and energy away from that.

[10thengineerharrison]

One possible reply:

 

"Your opinion of me is none of my business."

[writergal]

I agree with the others, he owes her nothing and he has nothing to gain from doing this. All it will do is stroke her ego and make her think he still cares for her and will make her think that if she acts nice and maybe sees a shrink a couple times he will take her back.

 

 

Poppycock.

 

 

He owes nothing and even if he did this, she doesn't need counseling or to work on herself of anything. She is a full grown woman. If she wanted to be a faithful partner and a decent person, she would be one. She screwed other guys and strung LW along to fix up her house because she wanted to and that is what worked for her. Why would she want to spend time and money sitting in a shrinks office trying to learn to be a decent person when she is already getting what she wants?

 

Spending 5 minutes writing her some email is taking 5 minutes away from him and focusing on his life and his wants and his needs. Why would he want to take time and energy away from that.

 

^This. 100% this!

[Mazerati]

No. She sent me flowers yesterday (it was my birthday) with a note telling me she loves and misses me even though I won't let her be with me. I gave them to our receptionist.

 

You wont let her be with you?? WTF?

Sigh...

I am sure your receptionist enjoyed them.

I hope the rollercoaster peaks and valleys level off soon. For all the turmoil you are pulling through well! IMHO.

Is the hornets nest still buzzing?

AND finally,

Happy birthday ?, and may this year be blessed with goodness and fulfillment.

 

Maz

[DatingDirection]

Once you get rid of the bad energy, meaning (her), all doors will open up to you, you will see. it's already starting to happen for you. The universe has your back. Good luck

 

 

No I won't do that. I like my job. Actually I have it pretty easy right now. I hired on as a master carpenter/installer but for the past two weeks I've been doing all the detailing for the cabinet shop (using a CAD program to draw up the plans that the shop workers use to measure and cut the pieces).

 

Anyway, the company owner and I had lunch again yesterday and discussed more plans for me to buy into the company, turning it from a corporation to a LP. He's talking to his lawyer right now about the deal. So I'm hoping by the middle or end of the year I will be a 50/50 partner.

 

Only problem with this desk work is I have gained a couple pounds.

[Satu]

The OP doesn't need to be anything other than man he is.

 

He's a person of great good character.

[Hope Shimmers]

Happy Birthday, LifeWiser!

[writergal]

Happy Birthday, LifeWiser!

 

^^Now THAT is awesome! And a much better membername for LW!

[Satu]

Happy Birthday LW!

[writergal]

Happy Birthday LW! May the best days of your past, be the worst days of your future! Slainte mhaith!

[LifeWasted]

Can I make one suggestion to you LW?

 

 

Reply to her letter.

 

 

Keep it simple.

 

 

Tell her to focus on herself. She needs counseling for herself.

 

 

Encourage her to get to the root of her issues that allowed her to lie to your face as well as cheat on you with multiple guys.

 

 

You not asking her to get married is total BS. Call her out on it.

 

 

Tell her to focus on herself, her daughter and her own personal happiness.

 

 

That is the least she could do for herself, her daughter and for you.

 

 

Be that man.

 

 

You can 180 her. But if you really love her then encourage her to be the woman she promised to be.

 

 

HM

 

I might do this. But I'll wait a while. There is no hurry.

[LifeWasted]

Well....maybe not.

 

 

 

 

Thank you all for the Happy Birthdays. That is very kind.

[AprilTears]

I would advise against replying. If it were me and you replied to my letter I would see that as an opportunity to wiggle my way back in. I would think that you still cared about me (obviously you still have feelings...) since you took the time to write me. She may also think that if she gets help you will take her back. If you reply she will not go away for a long time if ever.

 

If I was ignored though I would eventually grow weary of trying and fade away.

 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!!!

[LifeWasted]

Why would a woman who was cheated on throughout her marriage, then turn around and inflict that pain on someone she professes to love? All the people who know her, that I have talked to, have told me she is not lying about her ex-husband's mistreatment of her. So what the hell?

 

Does somebody have knowledge of a psychological reason she would do this?

[oldshirt]

Why would a woman who was cheated on throughout her marriage, then turn around and inflict that pain on someone she professes to love? All the people who know her, that I have talked to, have told me she is not lying about her ex-husband's mistreatment of her. So what the hell?

 

Does somebody have knowledge of a psychological reason she would do this?

 

 

 

the same reason abused kids often grow up to be abusive themselves, it's what they know and it's the world they are from.

 

 

Sometimes people get cheated on and they feel so jaded and feel so much like the chump that the next time around they decide they are going to get theirs.

 

 

Logically it does seem like they would be remiss to inflict the same pain that they had to endure but for a certain segment of the population it has the opposite effect and figure since it happened to them and they didn't like it, they will be the ones dishing it out next time.

 

 

Besides, you are going off what she has told you. You don't know what she hasn't told you. She may have been a chronic cheater as well before you came along.

[writergal]

LW,

 

Cheating is a *choice* not a mistake. She chose to cheat on you. No one forced her to, not her cheating ex-husband, not you, not those men she slept with while she was with you. Your ex-WGF is solely responsible for her own actions.

If your ex-WGF had enough time to cheat on you, she had enough time to think about it before she did it. Don't fall for her breadcrumb attempts to manipulate you emotionally; the flowers, the letter, the time she randomly showed up in person early in the morning outside your work place; she is not a wounded bird to be taken care of, she is a predator. She prayed on your good nature because she could. Any remorse she demonstrates now seems somewhat disingenuous because she's sorry she got caught, not sorry that she cheated.

[I_Give_Up67]

Why would a woman who was cheated on throughout her marriage, then turn around and inflict that pain on someone she professes to love? All the people who know her, that I have talked to, have told me she is not lying about her ex-husband's mistreatment of her. So what the hell?

 

Does somebody have knowledge of a psychological reason she would do this?

 

 

 

 

You may never know the reason, and even she could not tell you why she did what she did. But the fact is she revealed her true character to you.

 

 

I vividly remember reading in your first post, that her attitude towards you changed suddenly, how quick and upset she would get with you when you tried to ask her what was wrong. You mentioned that she had become withdrawn and would barely speak to you. That seems to indicate that her PA and EA bonds with these OMs' were very strong and had you not found out, she would have likely continued, keeping you as a doormat / handyman. Of course she did not want to lose you, and on some level probably does love you to a certain degree. But she did not love you enough to remain faithful.

 

As many here have told you and it bears repeating, she had you pegged as the type that would never leave her even if you found out. Obviously she misjudged how honest and ethical of a man you are. Again, that's all on her. That is her loss. If you go "radio silent" on her now, that will be the best payback you could ever have. She is sure you will take her back if she continues to bread crumb you with these little cute letters and flowers.

 

Please don't stress over the whys' of how she could do this to you. It was in her character and she did it because she wanted to. I think it is just that simple.

[I_Give_Up67]

LW,

 

Cheating is a *choice* not a mistake. She chose to cheat on you. No one forced her to, not her cheating ex-husband, not you, not those men she slept with while she was with you. Your ex-WGF is solely responsible for her own actions.

If your ex-WGF had enough time to cheat on you, she had enough time to think about it before she did it. Don't fall for her breadcrumb attempts to manipulate you emotionally; the flowers, the letter, the time she randomly showed up in person early in the morning outside your work place; she is not a wounded bird to be taken care of, she is a predator. She prayed on your good nature because she could. Any remorse she demonstrates now seems somewhat disingenuous because she's sorry she got caught, not sorry that she cheated.

 

 

 

Writergal- You are spot on!