She Ruined My Life, and I Let Her

[10thengineerharrison]

Sounds like it could be a desperation move on her part too. She's way too classy to show up around her friends dateless. So what does she do? She shows up with the one of guys she used to destroyed her relationship! First class written all over that move. Some people are the types that cannot be alone, no matter who they settle for.

 

This reminds me of a gal I knew when I was a teenager and she was a 20-something hippie chick. She had real integrity.

 

People tried to get her to fit into their social circles, and she would play along, so long as she didn't compromise her values. On one occasion, she was invited to an upscale-ish party. The invite said "Bring a date". She wasn't seeing anybody at the time, and didn't want to just bring anyone, so she brought a whole box of dates!

 

-10th Engineer Harrison

[LifeWasted]

This reminds me of a gal I knew when I was a teenager and she was a 20-something hippie chick. She had real integrity.

 

People tried to get her to fit into their social circles, and she would play along, so long as she didn't compromise her values. On one occasion, she was invited to an upscale-ish party. The invite said "Bring a date". She wasn't seeing anybody at the time, and didn't want to just bring anyone, so she brought a whole box of dates!

 

-10th Engineer Harrison

 

Funny.

 

My xWGF is a sl_t. That's what I have to accept, and move on from.

[LifeWasted]

Are midlife crises real? Is that what is going on with her? How much does that factor into a woman cheating?

[autumnnight]

Are midlife crises real? Is that what is going on with her? How much does that factor into a woman cheating?

 

I think they are just an excuse invented by a writer who wanted to publish a book sometime. "Oh, my life is half over and it wasn't what I expected. I'll buy a corvette and cheat."

 

Nope

[CarrieT]

Are midlife crises real? Is that what is going on with her? How much does that factor into a woman cheating?

 

It isn't a man/woman factor. But - yes - I believe midlife crises *are* real and people (again, not just women!) will often take the cheating road.

 

I am experiencing it now in my own family; I know for a fact that my brother-in-law had an affair (that my sister still does not know about) when he was in his late 50s. Now my sister is in her early 60s (I kid you not!) and is having an affair. To her credit, she has tried to tell my brother-in-law but he has taciturnly rejected any attempts she has made so at this point, I am keeping my mouth shut. They are both cheaters and both have privately rationalized to me why they have done what they did (or are doing).

 

But in both cases, I believe there is definitely a mid-life crises concept going on. In the case of your Ex, I'm not sure you will ever have an answer that fully satisfies you because you are looking for some perfectly boxed, wrapped-up-with-a-ribbon answer to what happened - and that layer cake is too complex and frosted over for you to want to bite into.

[happyman64]

Are midlife crises real? Is that what is going on with her? How much does that factor into a woman cheating?

 

I think your ExGf got pretty twisted from her last marriage.

 

It screwed her up so bad that her morals went out the window.

 

Throw in a MLC and she throws all caution, respect and love right out the window.

 

You just got to see the selfish side of her clear as day.

 

If her GF had not tipped you off you might never have figured out just how messed up she is.

 

Keep the focus on you now.

 

HM

[LifeWasted]

I think your ExGf got pretty twisted from her last marriage.

 

It screwed her up so bad that her morals went out the window.

 

Throw in a MLC and she throws all caution, respect and love right out the window.

 

You just got to see the selfish side of her clear as day.

 

If her GF had not tipped you off you might never have figured out just how messed up she is.

 

Keep the focus on you now.

 

HM

 

 

Thank you.

 

I just keep hearing MLC used all the time as a reason why some people cheat. Now I know my xWGF was going through some pre-menopause because I took her to her gyno a couple of times. I just wonder if those hormonal changes cause some women to go off the rails.

 

Doesn't excuse her cheating I know, but it might be one of the underlying causes?

[oldshirt]

Thank you.

 

I just keep hearing MLC used all the time as a reason why some people cheat. Now I know my xWGF was going through some pre-menopause because I took her to her gyno a couple of times. I just wonder if those hormonal changes cause some women to go off the rails.

 

Doesn't excuse her cheating I know, but it might be one of the underlying causes?

 

Menopausal hormone issues often cause a decrease in libido and vaginal discomfort during sex. Neither of those is a strong explanation for screwing around behind your BF' s back.

 

Now bad character and bad behavior on the other hand.....

 

 

 

I agree with Carrie T, you aren't going to find an explanation that makes it OK. No matter what explanations, justifications and rationale gets thrown at you, you are going to find fault with it and will not accept it as valid.

 

The farther you can put her in your rearview mirror and move on leaving her behind, the better.

[LifeWasted]

 

I agree with Carrie T, you aren't going to find an explanation that makes it OK. No matter what explanations, justifications and rationale gets thrown at you, you are going to find fault with it and will not accept it as valid.

 

But I want one goddammit!

[writergal]

But I want one goddammit!

 

Ok. Here's one: she was possessed by a bodyless Scientology Thetan (aka spirit) that had been living in Tom Cruise's compound, where it was exorcised by Katie Holmes when she surprised Tom Cruise with a divorce (which triggered the Thetan's existential crisis of "If L. Ron Hubbard thinks I'm real, am I?"). After it left Cruise' body (who remains soulless now), the Thetan possessed Hollywood celebrities which rejected it (Leah Remini, and Demi Moore). Bodyless, it then it came across your xWGF, who became its new host. Despite passing all 8 Operating Levels, your xWGF's "infidelity gene" coded itself on to the Thetan, which then activated in the xWGF a penchant for lying and cheating to her romantic partners.

 

 

Ok, my break is over but I thought this explanation was good.

[HurtOfGlass]

This is an egalitarian thread. All perspectives are welcome.

 

I for one am glad we have someone on here who cares about the welfare of the kids involved.

 

You misunderstand me.

 

I do care about welfare of children but I was wondering why are you so concerned about her daughter? You are not Mother Teresa neither you are patron saint of the children in dysfunctional homes.

 

Just make a clean break

[LifeWasted]

Ok. Here's one: she was possessed by a bodyless Scientology Thetan (aka spirit) that had been living in Tom Cruise's compound, where it was exorcised by Katie Holmes when she surprised Tom Cruise with a divorce (which triggered the Thetan's existential crisis of "If L. Ron Hubbard thinks I'm real, am I?"). After it left Cruise' body (who remains soulless now), the Thetan possessed Hollywood celebrities which rejected it (Leah Remini, and Demi Moore). Bodyless, it then it came across your xWGF, who became its new host. Despite passing all 8 Operating Levels, your xWGF's "infidelity gene" coded itself on to the Thetan, which then activated in the xWGF a penchant for lying and cheating to her romantic partners.

 

 

F_ck me! It all fits!

[LifeWasted]

You misunderstand me.

 

I do care about welfare of children but I was wondering why are you so concerned about her daughter? You are not Mother Teresa neither you are patron saint of the children in dysfunctional homes.

 

Just make a clean break

 

Well, she and I got close. I do care about her. But I am moving on and letting her go. I have not talked to her since I left her mom.

[fellini]

I agree you aren't going to be satisfied because the reason has nothing to do a with you.

 

Getting even a wayward to do the work to dig down deep and be able to face why they did what they did is hard enough. She sure as hell isn't going to give you anything close to a reasonable, believable explanation to her own behaviour when you are no longer inside.

 

The best answer to your question is locked in her head. If and when she wants to answer that for herself, it is going to take some time and effort to get it. You say you have been married and cheated on before. did you get the question answered back then?

 

 

 

But I want one goddammit!

[LifeWasted]

You say you have been married and cheated on before. did you get the question answered back then?

 

Yes. She said she did it because she got drunk and stoned and let it happen.

[No Limit]

Yes. She said she did it because she got drunk and stoned and let it happen.

 

Wow, your XW didn't even give more effort than the average teenager story? She could have at least taken the cheater textbook and gaslight.

[fellini]

Wow. I meant the true answer :-).

 

Believe me getting my WW to tell me about having an affair took a lot less effort than the real why.

 

Some things are just not meant to pass.

 

 

Yes. She said she did it because she got drunk and stoned and let it happen.

[lgspot]

Are midlife crises real? Is that what is going on with her? How much does that factor into a woman cheating?

 

Thank you.

 

I just keep hearing MLC used all the time as a reason why some people cheat. Now I know my xWGF was going through some pre-menopause because I took her to her gyno a couple of times. I just wonder if those hormonal changes cause some women to go off the rails.

 

Doesn't excuse her cheating I know, but it might be one of the underlying causes?

 

 

LW,

I think the midlife thing can be a factor.

Story with my ex isn't much different than yours except we were together close to 20 years. Faithful for years. She started drinking/partying with her friends and it went from there. Her looks weren't what they once were, hormonal changes, etc...

She wasn't emotionally involved with anyone. In fact, when I caught her, first thing she said was, "Its just sex".

Later, after much IC, she wrote me numerous letters with textbook explanations for why she did what she did. Still, I think the first reason is was most accurate. She just wanted some d**k...

"Its just sex".

Up until just a couple months ago she was still trying to get me back.

She's now living with a guy from France 10 years younger than her.

LW, I might have tried R if there hadn't been another issue, and had I not seen what I saw.

I think today she's back on track, and has worked through most of her issues. Probably make some guy a good wife...

[Hope Shimmers]

Wow. I meant the true answer :-).

 

Believe me getting my WW to tell me about having an affair took a lot less effort than the real why.

 

Some things are just not meant to pass.

 

Um, why can't that be the true answer? Honest question.

 

Does there always have to be a complicated reason for cheating? Something that takes dozens of hours of therapy and massive analysis on the part of the BS?

 

Maybe she just got drunk and stoned and let it happen. Exactly like she said.

 

(Read: she didn't have very good boundaries and added to that were drugs and alcohol and she cheated.)

 

I guess I'm just not sure why there always has to be some big philosophical reason for it every time.

[writergal]

Um, why can't that be the true answer? Honest question.

 

Does there always have to be a complicated reason for cheating? Something that takes dozens of hours of therapy and massive analysis on the part of the BS?

 

Maybe she just got drunk and stoned and let it happen. Exactly like she said.

 

(Read: she didn't have very good boundaries and added to that were drugs and alcohol and she cheated.)

 

I guess I'm just not sure why there always has to be some big philosophical reason for it every time.

 

Reminds me of Occam's Razor: the simplest explanation is the right one. I agree with you. There's no reason to believe she did anything other than what she told LW. Not every choice we make is tied to some out-there philosophical reason. Sometimes, it just *is* what it is.

[Hope Shimmers]

Reminds me of Occam's Razor: the simplest explanation is the right one. I agree with you. There's no reason to believe she did anything other than what she told LW. Not every choice we make is tied to some out-there philosophical reason. Sometimes, it just *is* what it is.

 

Totally agree. In fact, I was mentally trying to come up with the quote that you just used.

[writergal]

Totally agree. In fact, I was mentally trying to come up with the quote that you just used.

 

I was trying to send the quote to you telepathically, but the signal got interrupted by the Long Island Medium who mistook my telepathic message for a ghostly message from beyond. Occam's Raaaazor booo oooooo oooo!

[fellini]

Because the real reason is not the drunk and stoned but the let it happen.

 

The real answer is why she let it happen, not what was her drug state when she did.

 

I'm not saying there is any deep philosophical answer to cheating. I'm am getting soooooo frustrated with the way people take text and say that I said something different. To be honest Hope, I have read your posts for months. Based on how you have approached other threads i believe you would never accept that answer yourself. of course what you say is defendable, but i dont believe, based on everything I have read from you in LS that this flippant answer is you 99% of the day. So ill just take it as a personal issue.

 

The answer he needed to hear was why she let it happen. "Let it happen" is passive. The question that is not being asked is "did you have intercourse willingly or not" but "what was going on in your head when you decided to let it happen." Because letting something happen is the answer in the moment. Asking the why includes what was going on before, during and just as importantly, after "it just happened".

 

What precisely did she just let happen is where I would begin. What sense does she make of this.

 

 

If the answer is no control over boundaries FANTASTIC. Now we have something real and concrete. But if you cannot see the difference between "I let it happen" and "I have weak boundaries " then there is little point in continuing.

 

Anyone can get drunk and smoke dope any day. The answer is not in the reefers. It's in the madness.

 

 

 

Um, why can't that be the true answer? Honest question.

 

Does there always have to be a complicated reason for cheating? Something that takes dozens of hours of therapy and massive analysis on the part of the BS?

 

Maybe she just got drunk and stoned and let it happen. Exactly like she said.

 

(Read: she didn't have very good boundaries and added to that were drugs and alcohol and she cheated.)

 

I guess I'm just not sure why there always has to be some big philosophical reason for it every time.

Edited April 7, 2015 by fellini

[fellini]

Reminds me of Occam's Razor: the simplest explanation is the right one. I agree with you. There's no reason to believe she did anything other than what she told LW. Not every choice we make is tied to some out-there philosophical reason. Sometimes, it just *is* what it is.

 

So which is it? Biological genetic determinism or chaotic random chance. Do you just make this stuff up or what. Not two days ago you were very clear all choices are genetic. Now you are saying they are Black holes.

 

Okay so if I understand you all correctly, it's okay for WS'S to say simply: I dont know why. Period. It just happened. And with that gem we can move directly to divorce or reconciliation.

Never mind the 1000 stories in which BS'S have shown that the initial knee jerk response to why eventually forms into something completely unrelated to the original response.

 

Pray tell: WHY when the OP'S EXGF wrote to him her reasons for why she did what she did (unsolicited in a letter by the way) did you all decry BULLSh-t? why were you rooting for deeper personal issues and genetics?

 

People attach values to things and people. Marriage is attaching a huge value and demonstrates a massive personal investment in someone. If this value is shat on, I think one, if not both, parties involved deserve something more introspective than "sh-t happens".

[fellini]

Yes. She said she did it because she got drunk and stoned and let it happen.

 

The reason I ask is, what was your response to her giving you such a simplistic answer? Do you let it go at that? I understand she was your wife. So for me, whatever you did to get past that horrendous revelation, that not only was your marriage not worth much, but you didn't need to know any more than "I did it because I felt like it", what do you want from this ex-Girlfriend?

 

The strong impression you give, and by your own reckoning, you have clear lines in the sand. And everything you do seems to communicate that either explicitly or implicitly. I take it your wife knew you well enough to see this if we strangers can here in the limited information of an online forum.

 

So she must have known that what she did was going to END any chances of being forgiven. I think you mentioned saying the same to the exGF.

 

Given that you were pretty strong in your position, never showed her any reason to doubt your resolve, etc., do you think its fair to say she knew this would be your reaction to her infidelity and began to simply move away from you. Maybe she is a woman who doesn't like to end things. She only enjoys the game of capture, allure, and secure.

 

I know a guy who is on maybe his 6th relationship in less than 15 years - in his mid 50s. He constantly finds a woman, falls head over heels for her, moves her into his space / he into hers, and then within a very short period of time, finds himself attracted to yet another. Same cycle over and over again. Finds a girl, buys a house together even, and then months later is moving on and out. I cannot say that any relationship of his has ever really fully run its course. Just when the honeymoon period is ending, a new one begins. He is married again (3rd time is a charm perhaps), seems happy as a peach, but I don't see any happiness that I didn't already see 5 times before. This one seems to understand something about him, having witnessed the two previous ones from a short distance, and started immediately with date nights and long weekend trips. She seems to have grasped the idea he needs constant romance and novelty in his life in order to keep him settled.

 

Who knows with your exGF what was going on in her head. I suppose this is what you want to find out. But I really think the answer to that question, if it ever comes back to you, if she ever decides to ask herself fully what motivates her to hurt people she has aggressively pulled into her world, will be several years down the road.

Edited April 7, 2015 by fellini