lgspot Posted March 12, 2015 Posted March 12, 2015 No not yet but I want to. I have to be careful how I go about it. I'm thinking of catching her during lunchtime at her school. Don't want to be negative, and I think seeing the daughter at some point is great. I do want to add a caution. If XGF is vindictive, she could make an issue here. That might be something that needs cleared with her... How old is the daughter? 1
lgspot Posted March 12, 2015 Posted March 12, 2015 It's funny. Two days ago all these "friends" of ours were calling me asking me how I was doing. For the last two days not a peep from any of them. I guess once the drama train leaves town they lose interest. She's been doing damage control... 2
Author LifeWasted Posted March 12, 2015 Author Posted March 12, 2015 Don't want to be negative, and I think seeing the daughter at some point is great. I do want to add a caution. If XGF is vindictive, she could make an issue here. That might be something that needs cleared with her... How old is the daughter? 16 going on 17.
Author LifeWasted Posted March 12, 2015 Author Posted March 12, 2015 She's been doing damage control... Yeah. B!tch.
Author LifeWasted Posted March 12, 2015 Author Posted March 12, 2015 Can't sleep. I'm not going to be worth a damn for work tomorrow.
lgspot Posted March 12, 2015 Posted March 12, 2015 16 going on 17. She's old enough to think for herself. You might text her and schedule something in a public place. I would suggest off of school grounds though. 3
lgspot Posted March 12, 2015 Posted March 12, 2015 Can't sleep. I'm not going to be worth a damn for work tomorrow. You wonder how well she's sleeping... Not that it matters. If we gotta be awake, at least it would be nice if they're losing sleep too... 1
Lion Heart Posted March 12, 2015 Posted March 12, 2015 It comes in waves. One moment I'm fine. Next moment I'm a pansy. This is OK. This proves you're a normal person with normal emotions. I've heard it described as "peaks and valleys". This is only the first stage description. This is the roller coaster and when YOU work out your own emotions, eventually, you will feel indifference. Not hate, not love - indifference. Off the roller coaster. This is our aim after betrayal. There are many tools here to help you get there and in other sites online. You appear to be plowing your initial emotions into reconfiguring your work & business. Wow! This is really showing your resilience and perseverance. Your life is definitely NOT wasted! Look at you. When low times hit you out of the blue, recognize them, cry as much as you need to. Suppressing them could lead to mental or physical complications that you don't need. We are in such a hurry to fix ourselves up that we push past the need to just BE. Growth is here too. Going through the gamut of emotions NOW and over the next short time will allow you to become whole again. Wiser for the experience though! The lovely lady waiting to meet the wonderful man you are inside is counting on you being ALL THERE for her and I just know you're an incredible catch. Lion Heart. 2
Author LifeWasted Posted March 12, 2015 Author Posted March 12, 2015 She ambushed me at my workplace when I got here at 5:30 this morning. I don't know how early she must have gotten here. I was getting out of my truck when she tapped me on the shoulder. I had not seen her car parked in the lot. She asked me if she could talk to me and to please not walk away. It was raining so I told her to get in my truck. I turned on the heater and we talked. She begged me to come back home and admitted to both sleeping with her younger man about 15 times or more. As to the ex-boyfriend from college, she admits that she did lie to me and had her friends cover for her, and that she did get together with him over that weekend. She did have sex with him several times. I was crying and she was crying and I told her that she had ripped my heart out and wasted a good thing that we had. I told her I was not interested in reconciliation because she had no respect for me. Of course she said that was not true...blah blah... I told her there was no way I would trust her going forwards and that she was not the kind of person I wanted to marry or spend my life with. She started crying harder and begging me to give her another chance but I just shook my head and told her it was over. I asked her why I was not enough for her...why she had to get together with those two guys. She said she did not know but that she is going to start counseling next week to figure out herself and why she would act this way. I asked her, with all the pain her ex-husband put her through, how could she turn around and do the same, if not worse, to someone she professes to love? She said she didn't know. I told her that wasn't good enough and that she needed to explore that in counseling. We talked some more but it didn't really go anywhere, just in circles. She eventually said "Okay, I had to try. I do love you and always will." Then she left. I don't know how I really feel right now.
Satu Posted March 12, 2015 Posted March 12, 2015 I feel it would have been better if you hadn't talked. The relationship is beyond repair, so what is there to said? Concentrate solely on yourself and your own wellbeing. 5
writergal Posted March 12, 2015 Posted March 12, 2015 I don't know how I really feel right now. Stay the course LifeWasted. Right now, you need to stay away from her. For your own peace of mind. Her weak response of "I don't know" to your direct question "why did you cheat on me?" was a deflection. And a lie. She knows exactly why she cheated. Because she could. She admitted to having her friends cover for her for Christ sake...and her friends agreed to cover for her. I mean, seriously?!?! Who the hell does that?! You cannot trust this woman!! Cheaters always know why they cheat: because they are narcissists at their very core. Cheaters are also selfish escapists. Her promise to you to start individual counseling next week was also a ploy for your sympathy. Even if she does, it won't repair the damage that she's done to you and your relationship with her. She is not the type of woman to marry, because she will lie to you again. She has shown you that she is a liar, that she is manipulative, and that you are just an option and not a priority to her. Stay away from her. She's just going to cause you more trouble than you deserve. 5
No Limit Posted March 12, 2015 Posted March 12, 2015 Guess she expected you to be easier to manipulate. It matters not, from what you wrote there's nothing that goes beyond cheater 101 textbook. She just has issues and you're not her goddamned father. She won't "love you and always will", she will "acknowledge your worth in the household and will always miss the free caretaker". 6
Rainbowlove Posted March 12, 2015 Posted March 12, 2015 I don't know how I really feel right now. You know how you feel. You told her exactly how you felt about what she did and why. She gave you some honest answers, even if they were hard to hear and say, she gave them. She has a lot of work to do on herself. No matter what, she can't do that with a man in her life. You keep moving forward in your life. You know what you want in a partner, she's not it. Not now anyway and maybe not ever. 3
Satu Posted March 12, 2015 Posted March 12, 2015 (edited) We talked some more but it didn't really go anywhere, just in circles. She eventually said "Okay, I had to try. *I do love you and always will." Then she left. I don't know how I really feel right now. There are many valid descriptions of love, but one of the more meaningful ones is this: "Love is total commitment to the wellbeing of a person." According to that definition, she does not love you at all. She really shouldn't tell you that she does, because saying it in these circumstances, is hurtful to you. No contact. Edited March 12, 2015 by Satu 5
road Posted March 12, 2015 Posted March 12, 2015 If you are going to sue her to get your money back then sue her. Otherwise the wisest thing you can to do is move away from her so there will be NC. 2
writergal Posted March 12, 2015 Posted March 12, 2015 I just want to add, anything she says like "I didn't intend to hurt you" is a gas-lighting technique with blame shifting. She wants you to think it's my fault that I interpreted her cheating as hurtful because that's not how she intended for it to be seen that way. Does that make sense? She wants you to blame yourself for her cheating. She wants to shift the onus from herself to YOU. Make it seem like you mistakenly broke up with her for her cheating. Do not fall for that b.s.! She doesn't want to take responsibility for the hurt that she caused you, and caused her daughter. She wants you to feel guilty for being angry (a totally normal reaction) at her cheating on you. Why? Because she is an entitled narcissist who doesn't respect you, who views you as someone she can manipulate, the same way that she manipulated her friends to cover for her while she slept with those two guys although she was in a relationship with you. She is trying to manage your impression of her -- that's why she showed up at your work this morning at 5:30 a.m. She wants to convince you that you were just some collateral damage to her affairs; that she didn't intend to hurt you, that she's still a great woman but oops! sorry! I cheated! Don't take it so hard! The truth is: she didn't care that she hurt you. Having sex with those two guys was more important to her, than hurting your feelings. She knew that cheating on you would hurt your feelings, which is why she had her friends cover for her. Her "intentions" aren't relevant anymore. She intended to hurt you and she did. 5
10thengineerharrison Posted March 12, 2015 Posted March 12, 2015 well heck, if it was only 15 or 20 times with the boytoy and several with the ex boyfriend, by all means take her back! I need say no more. This isn't just a hobby for her, it's a lifestyle. -10th Engineer Harrison 4
Author LifeWasted Posted March 12, 2015 Author Posted March 12, 2015 I feel it would have been better if you hadn't talked. The relationship is beyond repair, so what is there to said? Concentrate solely on yourself and your own wellbeing. She would have followed me into the building. It was either talk to her or call the police to kick her off the property. I'm glad we talked. It didn't mess me up. I'm just feeling kind of hollow. She won't bother me anymore. I don't think she will anyways.
sandylee1 Posted March 12, 2015 Posted March 12, 2015 You sound exactly like the kind of guy who is going to blow off steam for a while and then tell her off and make her cry and beg. And then you are going to give her another chance. LifeWasted, Please don't say you'd have her back . I noticed you 'liked' this post. 1
Author LifeWasted Posted March 12, 2015 Author Posted March 12, 2015 Guess she expected you to be easier to manipulate. It matters not, from what you wrote there's nothing that goes beyond cheater 101 textbook. She just has issues and you're not her goddamned father. She won't "love you and always will", she will "acknowledge your worth in the household and will always miss the free caretaker". Most likely. I don't buy into all that "love you always" b.s. either. Women forget and flush out the man they love once they move onto another guy. She will look back and remember me as the carpenter who fixed her house up but didn't finish the baseboards. 4
Author LifeWasted Posted March 12, 2015 Author Posted March 12, 2015 LifeWasted, Please don't say you'd have her back . I noticed you 'liked' this post. I give people likes for taking the time to post and to give me their perspective. Likes to me are like a "thank you for participating". Doesn't mean I agree with the post. 5
Timshel Posted March 12, 2015 Posted March 12, 2015 Yes to all above and if I may add, I believe that she did not intend to hurt you. She just did not care and never thought she would get caught. Writergal is 100% correct. She is managing her image. None of the things she said had anything to do with you. She doing spin/PR work now because she has to. Good for you for standing your ground. She is doing now what men most dislike about some women; using her femininity and your feelings to manipulate you. Oldest trick in the book. She gives the good one's a bad name. A good one would say I messed up, I'm sorry and I understand we're done. I have to get myself together. Period. Good Luck, if you get through a few weeks, it will be clearer and easier. 5
Author LifeWasted Posted March 12, 2015 Author Posted March 12, 2015 well heck, if it was only 15 or 20 times with the boytoy and several with the ex boyfriend, by all means take her back! I need say no more. This isn't just a hobby for her, it's a lifestyle. -10th Engineer Harrison Tell me this Engineer: If I take her word and the words of her "friends" that her ex-husband was a cheating jerk, and that he cheated on her for years while she sat at home raising their daughter... Why the hell would she turn around and start acting out the same way towards me? Midlife crisis? Sudden-slut syndrome? I know she lies and covers things up. Should I just assume she was lying to me about her marriage? This is the part I cant wrap my head around. 1
irishguy Posted March 12, 2015 Posted March 12, 2015 I know you wont care either way but its doubtful she will ever get counselling , probably just all talk trying to get you back .She didnt love you , you dont treat people you love like that .So talk to your lawyer friend and if any chance do what you can to get your money back , dont let the cheating bitch away with it. 3
writergal Posted March 12, 2015 Posted March 12, 2015 I know she lies and covers things up. Should I just assume she was lying to me about her marriage? 100% yes she was lying about her marriage. She gave you the ol p.r. spin on that relationship too, to make herself look like a victim which couldn't be farther from the truth. It's almost like you were in a relationship with actress Joan Collins' character Alexis Carrington Colby from the tv show Dynasty. Her nemesis on the tv show, Krystle Carrington (actress Linda Evans) once said of Alexis Carrington Colby, "you either love her or hate her. And she seems to enjoy it either way." You my friend, dated a wealthy narcissistic sociopath. Now you can brag to your friends that you dated Alexis Carrington Colby and lived to tell about it. 4
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