sleeplessincnd Posted April 8, 2005 Share Posted April 8, 2005 Hi All, So as some of you know we got back together last Saturday (see So Confused!! Says he loves me but doesn't want to work it out?!) and things have been good. He is doing everything that guys do when they are into you - like calling me any chance he gets, wanting to spend time with me, he even stood up to some friends who were talking bad about me and told his parents that he would be staying at my house sometimes - I couldn't believe it! He is really making an effort! The problem is that everyday I fear that something is going to happen to break us up again, and I think that he feels the same way - how do we get over that? I'm sure I am not the only one to go through this - can someone please tell me how you get over it! We have both admitted that we are "scared" but the conversation didn't go any farther than that. Do you think it is best to just talk about it and get it all out in the open so we can set each other's fears to rest? Should I just wait and give him the benefit of the doubt and hope that these feelings of uncertainty fade we get closer again? Argh, relationships are frustrating! Link to post Share on other sites
eastern_mystique Posted April 8, 2005 Share Posted April 8, 2005 Hey sleepless, I'm not speaking from any kind of experience but I know if my ex gave me another chance there would be 3 things I'd do to make sure it worked out 2nd time around: 1.) Recognise the the mistakes from the 1st time: Whatever it was that went wrong the 1st time (cheating, cruelty, communication issues, too much time together/apart etc) acknowledge what the problem was and take steps to make sure it doesn't happen again. Break out of any destructive habits that could contribute to things going wrong again. 2.) If anything goes wrong, talk about it: It's very easy to run away from your problems, but much harder to stand your ground and face them. No relationship is perfect and there are gonna be problems at some point....but if you care about someone you don't let the problems be more important than they are. Whatever it is you need to talk about it and find a way to resolve it - don't freak out and break up automatically. 3.) Relax!: Take it slowly - you have all the time in the world, so where's the rush? Just spend your time enjoying each others company and having fun. Think of it as a new beginning rather than resuming things from where they were left last time, like a new relationship. You wouldn't take things really fast in a new relationship, so don't take things too fast 2nd time around. You're very lucky - I know there are many people on these boards who would love to have a 2nd chance with their exes - enjoy it instead of worrying! Hope some of that helps. Link to post Share on other sites
cleebie Posted April 8, 2005 Share Posted April 8, 2005 hi, it is so nice to hear of an actual success story on here of people getting back together - so congratulations! I wish I was in your shoes - I would love my ex to come back and feel that a lack of communication was one of the main reasons we split so YES, DEFINITELY keep talking about how you are both feeling then you will both understand each other so much better and have a much closer, stronger relationship. I believe that as soon as either of you starts to hide what you are thinking and feeling, then doubt, suspicion and fear will creep in. How can you both relax and enjoy each other if you are both panicking about what the other is thinking or feeling? Keep talking and enjoy! Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
blakharte Posted April 8, 2005 Share Posted April 8, 2005 That's wonderful. I know how difficult it is to rebuild trust and to salvage broken hearts. Hopefully, things will continue along this route but I suggest just a little caution. Why? He seems like he's trying awfully hard as well he should. I agree with a previous post, Relax! Life isn't a sprint...it's a marathon. Link to post Share on other sites
willduggan Posted April 8, 2005 Share Posted April 8, 2005 just to even things out ive got a bad side of it too. i got back with my ex about a month ago, things went great but a lot of the same problems crept in again and we didnt know what to do. just this morning we sat down, we both knew we loved eachother with all of our hearts, but that we didnt know the answer to our problems. so she said she didnt want to be with me. and here i am this afternoon. so deffinatly give it a try, hope things go better for you, deffinatly follow the advice they give you, be open and honest, be patient, and relax. hopefully things wont go the way mine went. Link to post Share on other sites
clynn Posted April 9, 2005 Share Posted April 9, 2005 Congratulations, this is great news! Well, I guess you just need to be a little bit comfortable with the uncertainty. The only reason I say this is because every relationship, no matter how long together or how committed can still end in some way, shape or form for some reason at some time. Obviously there are degrees of uncertainty. I guess it'll take time! All the best, good luck! Keep us posted. Link to post Share on other sites
prayformydownfall Posted April 10, 2005 Share Posted April 10, 2005 im in exactly the same situation at the moment...... back with my ex and its been just over a week.... its really hard tryin to relax and not worry i know that myself and i wish i could give u the answer u it all but i still havent discovered that myself!! if i have to wait for more than 2/3 hours between texts i stress out!! guess its all bout making urself busy too, u can still miss them while u have fun! im tryin to start things up where they left off and i guess thats where im stressing out! try and treat it like a new relationship... think what ud do if it was and act that way! thats what im tryin to do, whether its right or not ill soon find out! good luck x Link to post Share on other sites
Author sleeplessincnd Posted May 9, 2005 Author Share Posted May 9, 2005 So I thought I should give you all an update and let you know just how great things are going with me and my man! We have been back together now for about 6 weeks and everything is going good. The first few weeks were a little stressful with trying to figure out just how to get past what happened and why we were apart in the first place. But things couldn't be going better. He finished school and is a lot less stressed - he passed all of his classes so he has his ticket now and just got a big raise. Two weeks ago I told him that I love him and he said the same so we are just so happy! His family just loves me and invites me over for dinner and out for dinner with them and stuff - it is nice. He wants to buy a house before long and has been asking me my opinion about where and when and all those things. So though we haven't talked about living together I know we are both thinking about it. I am so excited b/c of all the good things that I know are going to come our way! I hope that there are others out there that are inspired by this and do what you need to to get things on the right track with the one you love. now....how do I change my login to happiestgirlincnd..... Link to post Share on other sites
clynn Posted June 13, 2005 Share Posted June 13, 2005 so how is it goin ? Link to post Share on other sites
Author sleeplessincnd Posted June 14, 2005 Author Share Posted June 14, 2005 Hey clynn, it is not going good - we ended up breaking up again about 3 weeks ago after 2 months back together. He said all the same things he said when we split the first time but the difference is that this time we are still talking and he really wants to be friends. He did confide in me about 2 weeks after the break up and told me some things that I am sure have a huge impact on his ability to be in a relationship right now. But I don't think that it is fair for him to just think he can withdraw from the relationship everytime there is a lot of stress in his life. So we have been talking, sometimes it really seems like he misses me and wants to be together and other times he is cranky with someone or another and takes it out on me - so I am getting really mixed messages. We are planning to go out for coffee tomorrow night. Part of me just wants to keep it casual and see how it goes and another part of me wants to lay it on the line and tell him he has to be all in or all out - no more of this half-way crap. Any suggestions? I have made some other posts about his wanting to be friends and some of the mixed messages that he has been sending - feel free to look them up! Link to post Share on other sites
sarah12 Posted June 14, 2005 Share Posted June 14, 2005 But I don't think that it is fair for him to just think he can withdraw from the relationship everytime there is a lot of stress in his life. Are you dating my ex? You are absolutely right. It isn't fair for him to back off or cut you out until he's done with the stress. Your SO should be the ones that you turn to when you are stressed, they are your best friend and confidante. As you said, he has a lot of personal issues and I suspect that a lot of them may stem from someone he's lost trust in either in his childhood or in another relationship. If they haven't dealt with these issues, they tend to withdraw easily and are emotionally unstable, and the more you let him come back in and out of your life, the more this will contribute to the instability for him, and of course yourself. So your choices are to either to keep talking and possibly get back together, in which you will constantly be wondering when he will bail again, OR you can let him go (as you seem to be doing so far..) and do not let him back in your life for a relationship. My take is option b, but I know how difficult it is. It's a slow withdrawal process...but as you've said yourself, no more of this halfway crap. And people who are half way with you, will always be halfway as long as you let them be. Link to post Share on other sites
outdated Posted June 14, 2005 Share Posted June 14, 2005 Originally posted by sarah12 My take is option b, but I know how difficult it is. It's a slow withdrawal process...but as you've said yourself, no more of this halfway crap. And people who are half way with you, will always be halfway as long as you let them be. You have to withdraw and find yourself. Find other people to relate to- it is a slow process, but It's amazing when it happens. Just the other day, I was moping about the ex and then I told myself I was through. I was tired of feeling confused and sad and I went to bed thinking that when I woke up, I would feel different. And I did! I guess it was just my time. I flipped the switch. I no longer cared and not contacting her and not thinking about her is easy. That night I went out and met as many girls as I could. With each one I met, the ex faded further in the back reaches of my skull. It was very therapeutic. I felt the stress and heartache and anxiety melt away. Like acupuncture with boobies . Got myself a date out of it too- that definitely helps. Haven't even thought about contacting the ex and it's been over a week. I honestly don't care what she's doing and who with and whether or not she'll ever contact me again. ....Anywho, letting someone go is a process, but it's one that you can document each step of the way and when you've finally accepted your fate, your life continues. There are so many hotties everywhere. EVERYWHERE. Take one to go! There is no one that deserves to be treated with half a heart. Being treated with no heart is better and easier to comprehend. Just leave those people be, heal yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sleeplessincnd Posted June 14, 2005 Author Share Posted June 14, 2005 the only problem with letting him go is that that is when he comes back! I really do love him and know that he loves me but he just has so many issues. If I did want to get back with him would it be better to try and be there for him and stick by him when he has these tough times and show him that I am consistent or do I have to just leave him to tough it out on his own and hope the he realizes what he has lost? He is just one of those people who is a victim - if I stop talking to him then I am the b*tch, regardless of what he has done to me. I know that is not fair but it is the reality of dealing with someone who has been hurt so much. Do you think the ultimatum of all in or all out might stir something in him or should I just not tell him flat out. Should I see if he is in tomorrow night and if not then just be done with it? Or should I tell him that is what will happen? Link to post Share on other sites
clynn Posted June 14, 2005 Share Posted June 14, 2005 If you are content with an on again off again part time relationship then this is the relationship for you!! And maybe a break might make a difference, maybe not. Maybe stickign by him might make a difference, maybe not. I think that you might want to just save you own sanity and end the madness. On your own terms. Take charge, be the boss. He is clearly messed up. Link to post Share on other sites
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