Jclements00 Posted March 9, 2015 Share Posted March 9, 2015 Ok so my wife and I of three years are separating she told me this a few weeks ago on Valentine's night. Long story short we married rather quick and she made mistakes that made me back away and not want to be around her and cause of that and the fact we never were great at just talking things out she hasn't been happy for a long while. She's tried to get me to pay more attention to her and I told her I would but her attitude is not good at all so I back away. To the point, she had recently caught up with a past friend she had a fling with years ago, it's a girl and she was lesbian at the time. She started texting her all the time hanging around her so much her kids (not mine) noticed this. Then on Valentine's night she went see a movie with her and told me she wanted a separation. She told me a few days later that this girl made her happy was someone she could see herself with. Then I happen to look at a calendar notepad she writes important dates in and see that on Valentine's day she wrote first kiss and date to see movie with the girl. She swears this girl has nothing to do with her decision to leave and she's been unhappy for a long time when a week before all this we were doing just fine. I don't believe it at all I think her feelings for this girl and probably some pushing from her led to her wanting to leave. Now we still live together and are being civil about this since I have to wait a month for where I want to move and have the money. She's afraid I will not pay rent where we are now and she will be stuck paying what I won't plus the tax money I'm getting soon we agreed to split since I claimed her and two of her three kids, she's afraid I won't give her any of it. Since this girl came into the picture she barely spends time at home doesn't cook or clean and spends very little time with her kids. When she's not working she's hanging out with this girl. What should I do in this situation? Not pay rent and screw her? I will probably at least give her half the tax money but she doesn't deserve it. She's gone most nights till early in the morning and it's not good for her kids and they know she's up to no good. I do love my wife and tried to work it out but she doesn't care don't want so I don't feel so bad to get away from her. She doesn't care about me so should I care about her or screw her over someway? We have no kids together no house nothing like that to screw me in a divorce. It's aggravating me more than hurting me at this point as tonight is another night she is gone it's 4am she still isn't home yet while she needs to get her kids ready for school in a few hours. Link to post Share on other sites
LoveMyCat Posted March 9, 2015 Share Posted March 9, 2015 If she has decided she does not want to be with you, counseling is not likely to help. You need to make your move, and pay whatever rent you initially agreed to pay, plus half of the taxes. A judge would probably make you pay that anyway, depending upon where you live. If you file for divorce, tell her you are doing so, and maybe you can work out future finances between yourselves, rather than let a judge decide. Can she support herself and her kids, or does she receive support for them? You may end up having to pay alimony if she can't support herself. First thing you need is a lawyer, ASAP. Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted March 9, 2015 Share Posted March 9, 2015 Wait, so she wants to leave the marriage for another woman (but, of course, she tells you that she isn't the reason *puke*) But, your still living with her and she's gone most nights and doesn't come home until the morning and you're left there watching her kids?!?!? Dude, talk to a lawyer and get out. You are no longer a husband, you're a live in babysitter. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted March 9, 2015 Share Posted March 9, 2015 Lawyer up. Only pay what rent you are obligated to pay. Give her half the tax refund since you already agreed to that. Otherwise, make an expedient exit. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted March 9, 2015 Share Posted March 9, 2015 Stop being her babysitter. Go out yourself, so she can't leave you with the kids. Have you legally adopted any of the children? If I were you I'd see if I could sleep over at a friends or relatives house. You tell her she looks after the kids and you can come and go as you please. Don't be predictable. What a cheek. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted March 9, 2015 Share Posted March 9, 2015 Pay anything you agreed to pay, but no more babysitting while she's out with her lover. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jclements00 Posted March 9, 2015 Author Share Posted March 9, 2015 The oldest kid is 14 she watches the other two. I don't watch them I go to the gym most nights and they're fine home alone awhile. I haven't adopted any, we didn't buy anything like a house and it's not like she's out with her friend every single night, she works till 10 or 11 a lot too and usually comes straight home after. But she says she's not comfortable being there with me there yet she can sit and tell me about her day. I do think her friend is more than that that's why I'm not sure if I should screw her somehow. But I will probably just give her half the taxes we agreed on and pay rent until I move out. Yes we still live together only cause I can't afford to move until I get my taxes and staying at a friends or parents for now would cost more in gas than I need to pay. Neither of us is getting a lawyer it's too much trouble we don't want to go through. We're being civil so far and once I'm gone she will see how hard it is without me. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted March 9, 2015 Share Posted March 9, 2015 The oldest kid is 14 she watches the other two. Of the people involved, I feel most sorry for the 14-year old... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jclements00 Posted March 10, 2015 Author Share Posted March 10, 2015 I feel sorry for all three of her kids cause their mom is too stuck up this girl to spend much time with them recently. My wife is so smart she keeps saying they are just friends and then does the stupidest thing she can. She asks me how to save her phone photos on her computer cause she's switching off of my plan. Well her computer shares media with my computer so I can see her photos and see a few pics of this girl. Not the biggest deal but I see a pic of texts they sent my wife asks about being her girlfriend and the girl says yes you are mine we just don't have that title. So I ask, we aren't legally separated and don't have children or any property together. When we go to divorce is that something I could use against her in any way for anything like say if she tried to get alimony or something? I don't want anything from her and she says she don't want alimony from me but I have that proof they are more than friends and want to wait till the best time to call her out on it, I'm thinking wait till I'm moving out as not to cause any more drama cause we are able to co exist for now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jclements00 Posted March 10, 2015 Author Share Posted March 10, 2015 Even with found evidence of a picture of texts that was sent saying they are girlfriends my wife still told me to believe what I want. I didn't tell her I saw the picture I just said I knew they were more than friends and that I'm not stupid I know what's going on. She isn't the brightest I guess but it's whatever I'm waiting to move out and move on with life. Link to post Share on other sites
rester Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 I can understand you are greatly upset by all of this, but it doesn't sound like there's any malicious intent from your wife towards you, so I think it's rather crappy of you to consider "screwing her". It almost sounds like you want to screw her somehow because she is together with a woman instead of a man. Is that the case? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jclements00 Posted March 10, 2015 Author Share Posted March 10, 2015 No not the case at all. Heck Id rather her be with a woman than a man. I don't personally want to screw her cause she's with anyone and I probably won't screw her at all when it comes down to it cause I do love her, but the reason I would is cause she lies to my face about her friend being just a friend when it's obvious she's more. Plus she could care less about me what I'm going through and chose to end this clearly cause of her friend who played a part in this. She's done so much in the past cheated twice with ex boyfriends lied taken my money to get tattoos without asking gotten drunk and destroyed things in the house just so much stuff that I went through that the idea of screwing her is intriguing. But I don't think I have it in me to actually do anything as I love her more than I hate her. Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted March 11, 2015 Share Posted March 11, 2015 No not the case at all. Heck Id rather her be with a woman than a man. I don't personally want to screw her cause she's with anyone and I probably won't screw her at all when it comes down to it cause I do love her, but the reason I would is cause she lies to my face about her friend being just a friend when it's obvious she's more. Plus she could care less about me what I'm going through and chose to end this clearly cause of her friend who played a part in this. She's done so much in the past cheated twice with ex boyfriends lied taken my money to get tattoos without asking gotten drunk and destroyed things in the house just so much stuff that I went through that the idea of screwing her is intriguing. But I don't think I have it in me to actually do anything as I love her more than I hate her. You haven't been married long and the children are not your legal responsibility, so I don't see you having to pay child support. The children have fathers who should be doing that. I know you love her, but you say she cheated twice before. It's time to try and move on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Friskyone4u Posted March 11, 2015 Share Posted March 11, 2015 What on earth are you even contemplating staying with this woman for . If I read it right she has had sex with two ex boyfriends and now this woman in three years of marriage. Did you sign up for an open marriage??? Because she has decided that is what you will have . Go to an attorney and get the papers drawn up. If she breaks up with her girlfriend and decides she is not a lesbian any more, she"ll find another man to cheat with. You do not need any MC. For what purpose?? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jclements00 Posted March 11, 2015 Author Share Posted March 11, 2015 She cheated early on and we worked through it and got over that. It's something she did and is in the past. This girl who's her friend now I don't know if she slept with her or not I just know from what I see they are more than friends. Doesn't make anything right and I know I have to move on away from her and that's what I'm doing it should be a few more weeks then I move out and she takes care of the legal separation and divorce stuff cause I'm not paying for any of it. Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted March 11, 2015 Share Posted March 11, 2015 She cheated early on and we worked through it and got over that. It's something she did and is in the past. This girl who's her friend now I don't know if she slept with her or not I just know from what I see they are more than friends. Doesn't make anything right and I know I have to move on away from her and that's what I'm doing it should be a few more weeks then I move out and she takes care of the legal separation and divorce stuff cause I'm not paying for any of it. If I were you and you are definitely moving out in the next couple of weeks, I wouldn't tell her until a few days before. If she gets mad at you for springing this on her the last second and screwing up her plan. Just shrug and say, "Yeah, well...I never thought my wife would leave me for another woman. I mean, what are you so mad about? You want me gone anyway. I'm just giving you what you asked for. An apartment came open and I jumped on it. Later!" Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jclements00 Posted March 11, 2015 Author Share Posted March 11, 2015 That's exactly what I plan on doing. I'm looking at a place soon and will know if I can get it so when taxes come in so I can afford to move in a few weeks I may already have a place lined up. Then I'll tell her about the texts and she'll be upset but it won't be my problem. Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted March 11, 2015 Share Posted March 11, 2015 The oldest kid is 14 she watches the other two. I don't watch them I go to the gym most nights and they're fine home alone awhile. I haven't adopted any, we didn't buy anything like a house and it's not like she's out with her friend every single night, she works till 10 or 11 a lot too and usually comes straight home after. But she says she's not comfortable being there with me there yet she can sit and tell me about her day. I do think her friend is more than that that's why I'm not sure if I should screw her somehow. But I will probably just give her half the taxes we agreed on and pay rent until I move out. My advice, just because it's the kind of person I am: Agreeing to give her half of the tax money was reasonable, and sticking to that agreement would be the honorable thing to do. Walk away with your head held high; in the big picture, "screwing her" doesn't serve a useful purpose, AND, it may put the kids at some additional inconvenience or risk, which they certainly don't deserve. You aren't obliged to continue to provide for the kids; just don't take the opportunity to actively "screw her" just for revenge, if it might slap back on them. We're being civil so far and once I'm gone she will see how hard it is without me. Simple enough - things will even out the way they are meant to. Know what kind of person you are; give her what she wants (you being gone) and set boundaries around everything that comes with it (no more emotional, financial support, etc.) but don't go out of your way to hurt her, if that's not the kind of person you want to be at your core. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jclements00 Posted March 11, 2015 Author Share Posted March 11, 2015 Once I move out I'm not taking care of the kids at all paying any bills or keeping my wife on my work insurance. She gets $900 a month in child support to use for her kids but she also used it for herself of course and to pay the electric bill the only bill she ever paid. Now that she's working she will get her own insurance soon enough and won't need to be on mine even if we stayed together. I'm dropping my cable and Internet I pay for and going with cheaper Internet and satellite. I will give her the half taxes I won't do anything to screw her over cause I don't want that slapping me in the face and we agreed to that before any talk of separation. I want to leave looking better than before and go on to do better. She says she would still talk to me once I'm gone I even suggested after a while maybe just dating and kinda starting over. I would try cause besides all she did she can be a good person and wife and I still have that love for her. She does at times talk to me as a friend something we never did much of so I can manage to be friendly with her for now at least. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jclements00 Posted March 12, 2015 Author Share Posted March 12, 2015 I see more and more how being here is not where I should be. My wife has three girls age 10, 12, 14. They all have attitudes and none listen to everything they are told by there mom to do. They were conditioned from early on not to get too close to any guy cause their mom has dated so much before that they can't see any guy putting up with my wife's mess for too long. One of the girls in particular has had a bad attitude towards me since they knew I was leaving and just today I had to tell her to stop being smart do what she's told cause I will not allow a child to be ugly with me a grown man. I can make things around here before I leave for everyone but I choose not to. They don't realize what I give them, how hard I have worked the last three years for them to have what they do and that I accepted them when I chose to marry my wife. I have no ties to them so yeah when I move I won't take any care of them anymore. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted March 12, 2015 Share Posted March 12, 2015 Once I move out I'm not taking care of the kids at all paying any bills or keeping my wife on my work insurance. She gets $900 a month in child support to use for her kids but she also used it for herself of course and to pay the electric bill the only bill she ever paid. Now that she's working she will get her own insurance soon enough and won't need to be on mine even if we stayed together. I'm dropping my cable and Internet I pay for and going with cheaper Internet and satellite. I will give her the half taxes I won't do anything to screw her over cause I don't want that slapping me in the face and we agreed to that before any talk of separation. I want to leave looking better than before and go on to do better. That's it - be your best self, because that's who you want to be... She says she would still talk to me once I'm gone I even suggested after a while maybe just dating and kinda starting over. I would try cause besides all she did she can be a good person and wife and I still have that love for her. She does at times talk to me as a friend something we never did much of so I can manage to be friendly with her for now at least. I would be leery of this path. It sounds like it's very much likely to have benefits for her (emotional support, and she'll probably try to hit you up for financial support too...) but not a lot in it for you (being used as her emotional tampon while she pursues other relationships - is that really "hope"?) Just be careful, set boundaries, and make sure anything is in your best interest. You might be better off to cut ties altogether. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jclements00 Posted March 12, 2015 Author Share Posted March 12, 2015 I'm considering all scenarios here. She's saying she doesn't need me for anything doesn't need my help yet still asks me to pick her daughter up from the hair salon the other day while she's in bed "exhausted" from work. Then tonight asks me to go to the store get wine for her while she's up doing nothing. I asked why she asks me those things if she doesn't need me and she says cause I want her to be my friend. I don't know how we will be once I'm gone or if I will even care at all to talk to her. I may want to cut all ties. Knowing myself I will probably have a harder time if I tried cutting ties but I'm still not sure in my heart what the best thing to do with all this is except to move out and go from there. Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted March 12, 2015 Share Posted March 12, 2015 I'm considering all scenarios here. She's saying she doesn't need me for anything doesn't need my help yet still asks me to pick her daughter up from the hair salon the other day while she's in bed "exhausted" from work. Then tonight asks me to go to the store get wine for her while she's up doing nothing. I asked why she asks me those things if she doesn't need me and she says cause I want her to be my friend. I don't know how we will be once I'm gone or if I will even care at all to talk to her. I may want to cut all ties. Knowing myself I will probably have a harder time if I tried cutting ties but I'm still not sure in my heart what the best thing to do with all this is except to move out and go from there. Ewwww, ick. So let me summarize. She essentially says: "I don't need you, but you should do things for me because you still want me to like you." EFFFFFF that. How arrogant. Stay with her, and be her friend, if you believe that being used like this is somehow less painful than breaking free, breaking ties, and moving in a new direction in your life. I don't mean that to sound as sarcastic as it might sound... My point is, why would you stay and "be friends" and submit yourself to this? The only thing I can think of is that it seems less painful than finishing the job and completing the breakup process. The whole "be friends" thing often turns into a very lopsided thing, with emotional tamponism benefiting one side (hers), while pain and uncertainty of a long drawn-out, never-finished breakup characterize the other side (yours.) Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted March 13, 2015 Share Posted March 13, 2015 emotional tamponism Had to look that one up: A role taken on by the man in a 'just friends' male/female relationship. An emotional tampon is a man who will always be there to provide a woman with the proverbial 'shoulder to cry on' or some other outlet for her to otherwise vent her emotional frustration, problems, and mental unbalance. Ultimately, he becomes the only person for whom this behavior is reserved as nobody else will tolerate it but him. Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
EgoJoe Posted March 13, 2015 Share Posted March 13, 2015 OP, You are not responsible for her emotions or her decisions. You owe her nothing that is not on paper. You claimed her kids because you supported them. I would leave as soon as you get the tax money and I would not give her anything. The honorable thing to do here is to run away and do right by yourself. She does not care for you and therefore you need not for her. Give her nothing but a swift exit. Start packing your things and moving them out while she is away. Get your name off of anything it is no longer necessary to be on, make sure she has no access to your bank account and make sure you have all identity sensitive paperwork out of her reach. You are now dealing with an emotionally immature, selfish and soon to be vindictive Woman. Move quickly, give her nothing, obtain evidence of the infidelity, record any outbursts from her subtly and do not concern yourself for her well being at all. You will gain nothing from trying to reason with her. Grow a backbone now because this is not a chivalrous type of scenario "doing the right thing" is a slave mentality. Do what is best for you. You are your number one priority. She is a hindrance to your bigger better future and nothing more. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts