newby Posted April 8, 2005 Share Posted April 8, 2005 it just occurred to me as i was sitting here wondering if i really still missed my mm and thinking about the whole relationship in general, that what is there really to miss? do i miss being used for a sh^g? no, do i miss being lied to? no, do i miss the guilt? no, do i miss the unreciprocated love? no. then i thought about the relationship from his point of view, even if it was only for sex and an ego boost, the relationship actually fulfilled all of his needs, therefore he has a whole lot more to miss about it than i do. also is he very likely to easily find a replacement? no, not really. i was particuarly depressed and lonely and even then he could only get me by waiting til i was so drunk i didnt know what i was doing. also he had built up his desire for me for quite some time, he was determined and persistent but really at first he came across as a very strange and obsessive and quite scary fat bald guy. i dont think its very likely that he will be able to replace me in a hurry. i, on the other hand, can easily find a better replacement for him, if i so desire. i can also move house and do lots of things without having to ask the permission of anybody else. yes i can pretty safely say, that he misses the relationship more than i do. any similar thoughts from ex ow? Link to post Share on other sites
laRubiaBonita Posted April 8, 2005 Share Posted April 8, 2005 Sooo Glad you are seeing his Stupid @ss for what it is! Good for you! Link to post Share on other sites
Sad Flower Posted April 8, 2005 Share Posted April 8, 2005 ya know newby i think the same sometimes, like does he miss me and is he happy blah blah blah but your right they have more to miss than us Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted April 9, 2005 Share Posted April 9, 2005 You screwed him! Keep it that way! You will only miss him (you say you don't) until you find someone else. Make sure he marries YOU this time! Link to post Share on other sites
newby Posted April 9, 2005 Share Posted April 9, 2005 thankyou all, for you replies record producer, i never said i didnt miss him at all, i just said he has more to miss than i do! and its true, he does! no i didnt want a relationship anyway, this was a big mistake. Link to post Share on other sites
Miffy Posted April 9, 2005 Share Posted April 9, 2005 You will probably miss the attention, the ego boost of having someone fancying you but I agree that he will be missing you too. And hey the wife can't have been that great if he had to search elsewhere in the first place. Unless she has suddenly turned into a rampant sex goddess he is still going to be missing you even if only on a physical level. His life will go back to the 'same old as it was before'. You have the opportunity to turn your life into something great, good luck to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Puppet Posted April 9, 2005 Share Posted April 9, 2005 I know exactly what you mean......apart from I do miss the s*** bit! Me and MM got caught out last month and A was exposed. How quickly he seems to have forgotton about me. But...that makes you realize what kind of a man they are, and....if they are like that horrible image, then we shouldn't miss them. I'm sad, but sad for the loss of what I thought I had. You sound like you know whats what and I admire you. Doesn't mean that we don't miss them still....sometimes....occasionally.....ok...a lot... Link to post Share on other sites
newby Posted April 9, 2005 Share Posted April 9, 2005 thankyou miffy, i think the wife is probably fine, but it does help to think like that sometimes , they probably have a great sex life too, but he still wanted something from me, something that he isnt getting now and cannot easily replace. puppet yes sometimes alot, still what i was saying is that they have more to miss than us in the long run, ok first bit for us is pain, once we get over that though, there is alot we can do to change our lives for the better. also i am not surprised at myself because i was feeling awful before getting involved in this but during it i kept thinking how bad i must feel to put up with this and it gave me the impetus i needed for a lot of self healing, my life has actually changed alot since the relationship begun. puppet, you sound pretty strong yourself! Link to post Share on other sites
Puppet Posted April 9, 2005 Share Posted April 9, 2005 Thanks Newby. I was a wreck last week and went on antideppresants. Since then the fog is clearing and I've done a lot of reading and researching on the internet to try to reframe the past. Been trying to break the illusions I held so closely. It hurts like hell, my heart is broken and I realized how much I let my life revolve around him. But you are so right about making changes for the better. The only way now is to recovery and better understanding of ourselves. We deserve so much more. I've taken steps to get back on track. Fingers crossed.... I so wonder whether they think about us OW after the affair. Do they miss us? What is it they miss? Is it the real us as whole woman? or is it us as an ego boosting plaster to their lives? I know its over, but I still hope he returns some day. Even if, at that time, I'm strong enough to say NO MORE!!! Link to post Share on other sites
newby Posted April 9, 2005 Share Posted April 9, 2005 i know what you mean puppet, so many times i wished he would come over so that i could say "no more", and each time he did i never said it! now i wont get the chance cos he ended it with me! i think for myself the problem is that i wont have the strength to actually say "no more" til i feel indifferent and when i feel like that i will no longer have the need to say it! ah well, ce la vie! puppet, i am sorry to hear that you are so depressed and glad to hear the anti-depressants are working for you. i know depression very well. you will get through it though, you really will, believe me. ((hugs)) to you and good energy. reading is always good, if you like i will pm you some of my favourite self help books, not your usual rubbish, i am not going to write them here as everybody who knows me knows what they are!! Link to post Share on other sites
Puppet Posted April 9, 2005 Share Posted April 9, 2005 thanks, the books would be good. It's hard when they end it. My MM ended it when his son caught us. At first I didn't believe it was happening and then the depression ....was the worst ever. But, its given me incentive to get stronger. We have to hold on to the knowledge that we are sensitive, caring ladies. Why else would we trust so and be patient....... in the eyes of society, we have done wrong....but we've followed our hearts instead of our heads... As for the MM????......its never just about s** is it. Whatever it was between us was compelling.....I believe they always return...eventually..... Link to post Share on other sites
izzybelle Posted April 9, 2005 Share Posted April 9, 2005 its never just about s** is it. Whatever it was between us was compelling.....I believe they always return...eventually..... it's so often said that they return to the spouse, but i know there are so many times that i've heard of exMMs returning to the OW for a continuation of the A months or years later. i find myself now, possibly, although i may be reading into things, at a crossroads of sorts. i had a brief A with an MM almost 2 years ago now. it was tearing him apart and he ended things to try to work things out with his W or to be able to leave her for the "right" reasons. in one of our last private conversations he told me that he hoped i was there when he figured things out, and that he was sure that eventually he'd leave his W. he mostly went NC with me for a while but our social circles are the same so i continued to see him around and we remained friends. i suspected last summer that he was having another A and have found out since then that he was. his W also found out. he has left his W and is proceeding with a D. his contact with me has increased over the past few months from responding to emails once every few months to now several times a week. and the other day, asked for my cell # which he had deleted when we split... and he wants to get together..... so i've been on a bit of an emotional rollercoaster the last few days. i don't know that i want to get together with him again.... it hurt when things ended. but we were so good together before, it wasn't just about the sex. we were compatable in soooo many ways. i've been seeing a SG and that has been getting more serious. and it was such a "war" to get MM out of my system ... a war i did eventually win and could feel comfortable just being friends. i know i can't go back just to pacify him while he gets his strength back that the split with his W has sucked out of him. but there's still that nagging thought in the back of my mind .... what if he really did mean it when he said that he hoped i would be there? like i said, i may be reading way tooooo much into his increase in contact and request to get back together but what if i'm not? Link to post Share on other sites
Puppet Posted April 9, 2005 Share Posted April 9, 2005 Originally posted by izzybelle .... what if he really did mean it when he said that he hoped i would be there? like i said, i may be reading way tooooo much into his increase in contact and request to get back together but what if i'm not? Its a tricky situation. If you were a band aid for his marriage the first time, then maybe you'll be an ego boosting band aid at the divorce time.... I can only say what I may do in your situation. I'd try to keep the situation as platonic as possible until he is ACTUALLY divorced. Then he would be less emotionally and mentally screwed up. If he then appraoaches you for a real relationship, then, as you've acted the lady, the relationship stands a good chance. You have done really well so far, dating other men etc and getting on with life. You're no longer his OW, you're a woman in all respects and you deserve to be treated with all the privilages. The other A he had, also means, that he shouldn't view you as the reason his marriage failed. You are actually in a very strong position. You both COULD come together with a clean slate. It really is your decision to make. But its not a decision that you have to make straight away. Wait to see how things progress, and most of all, WAIT till he really is free... We can't always control out destiny, but we can control how we react to it. P.S Even if you decide not to travel this path of reconciliation, you have the satisfaction of knowing that the bond between you is stronger than just s**. Be true to yourself, your heart, your mind, your soul. HUGS Link to post Share on other sites
izzybelle Posted April 9, 2005 Share Posted April 9, 2005 puppet, you're right about so many things. and as i sit here, it is easy to say to myself that i won't be yet another band aid for him. i won't bore you with the details of things that have happened since him but in a nutshell, i got involved with another MM who was POSITIVE he was getting a D, at his W's request. well, that didn't work out and needless to say, i was devastated, hurt beyond belief because he had led me to believe that he and i had a future together. and it has taken me almost a year to get to the point where i could move on with my life and consider being involved with anyone at all. so needless to say, this time, i have learned my lesson to not get involved with someone until they know who they are, what they want, and where they are with their lives. (making the assumption that any of us ever really know those things) and i do feel that my friendship with MM#1 is strong enough that i can stand my ground, if it comes to that. but it is a VERY bizarre feeling to even think that there may actually be a possibility with him! i'm not sure it's what i want, but after months of trying to get to the place where we could be and were friends ..... he's an incredibly attractive, wonderful, charismatic man and i know that when we were together the chemistry was incredible. events of the past year took all my strength but i do believe that as a result, i'm even stronger now than i was before. or at least that's what i tell myself!!!! it may take all my stength, but i know i can resist. and if the time comes when he's totally free and clear ... who knows? and who knows if i'll still be available! Link to post Share on other sites
newby Posted April 10, 2005 Share Posted April 10, 2005 izzy- be cool , chances are his first relationship will be a rebound thing and you may still have issues with him if you were to get involved again at this time. i know i would. give him time to get over the whole marriage ending, he has to have a whole lot to deal with over that, guilt for one thing. also what happened to other ow, one he got caught with, was he just using her then? you may be a fantasy to him that he has always wondered "what if", puppet is right, you are in a strong position. keep your friendship up, but dont give him too much. if he wants to be with you then this time it's gotta be better. he is gonna have to work harder than that to get you, izzy! you are a much sought after woman!! Link to post Share on other sites
izzybelle Posted April 10, 2005 Share Posted April 10, 2005 newby, i think i do stil have a lot of issues with him and i'm guessing that he's going to do what i've seen a lot of newly divorced guys do .... sleep with anything that moves! so, i know i'm going to have to just play it cool and just keep the friendship there. we may be better off that way anyway, who knows? i like him a lot as a friend, he's fun to party with and i don't want to run the risk of messing that up again. assuming, and it's a HUGE assumption, that he is still interested in me any relationship that i would have with him right now, because we have a lot of mutual friends, would still have to be kept secret. i know he wouldn't want everyone to know, especially his kids, at this point, it would be too much for them to handle. so ... i don't have much desire to enter a "secret" life again that has to be completely hidden from the rest of the world. as for this other OW, i have a lot of questions for him about that ... when i first found out, even though it had been almost a year later, it hurt and i was pis$ed since he had told me that he had to figure things out. well, being angry lasted about 10 min. since i realized that all things considered, who am i to pass judgement? he knew about MM#2 and what happened, and i think his A started about the time that my relationship with MM went south. he knew how much of a mess i was because of it. i know the other OW, not well, but i do know who she is. she has an interesting relationship with her H and has an ummmmmm reputation for wrecking other marriages and keeping herself rather busy. she's one of the OWs that gives the rest of us a bad name! and i would like to hear from him, what really happened. he hasn't shared any details, and i don't know that he knows that i know about the OW. so we'll see, i'll keep it as friends and just let it be. and i feel like things are finally falling into place for me, and i don't want to mess that up. although there are times, even with SG that i still feel like an OW! he doesn't want his kids to know quite yet. he'd brought too many people in and out of their lives and doesn't want them to know... yet. he's told his mom about me and i talked to his son on the phone yesterday. but when i asked SG if his son knew who he was talking to, he said no, and he wasn't ready to tell him all the details since he knew they'd go running to his exW! i know his kids, they know me, our kids go to school together so right now they know i'm in the picture, but first name only so i know it's just a matter of time until they figure out who i am! i asked him about why he didn't want his exW to know (that's why i guess i still feel like an OW). he said he's afraid she'll try to become too involved with our relationship. i know her pretty well, she tried to fix me up with him years ago, and i know she likes me... but i think he's right. it just feels really strange to be dating an SG and still keeping it secret from his exW and kids! odd question from his son though... he asksed SG if i had kids... yes, two, and then he asked if i was divorced! i guess couples cheating has become more of an accepted lifestyle for some of the kids these days, and i know SGs marriage didn't end because of infidelity. Link to post Share on other sites
newby Posted April 10, 2005 Share Posted April 10, 2005 would appreciate sami if you posted in here like everyone else where it is unneccessary to pm me. Link to post Share on other sites
Miffy Posted April 10, 2005 Share Posted April 10, 2005 Newby, wondered if you would be so kind as to pm or put on here your recommended books. I thought Paul McKenna Heal the`Heartbreak was great - self help with a hypnotic twist! If you could I would appreciate it. thanks Link to post Share on other sites
Puppet Posted April 10, 2005 Share Posted April 10, 2005 Originally posted by Miffy Newby, wondered if you would be so kind as to pm or put on here your recommended books. I thought Paul McKenna Heal the`Heartbreak was great - self help with a hypnotic twist! If you could I would appreciate it. thanks Yes, read that one and it really helps..... was difficult thou to relive the images initially, but it got easier to reframe those past events......that book and antidepressants have saved my sanity! Link to post Share on other sites
BAKUNIN Posted April 11, 2005 Share Posted April 11, 2005 Newby , you will never win nor lose. All you do is just wasting your time over someone who doesn`t give a sh*t. Just let go. Go out , have fun and enjoy life. Link to post Share on other sites
Debster Posted April 11, 2005 Share Posted April 11, 2005 Hey, I responded to this post earlier and now my post is gone. What happenned? I didn't write anything rude or offensive or anything? AM I losing my mind? Newby, do you remember my post? Link to post Share on other sites
newby Posted April 11, 2005 Share Posted April 11, 2005 debster-yes i do, and my response has gone too! hey!! Link to post Share on other sites
newby Posted April 11, 2005 Share Posted April 11, 2005 Newby , you will never win nor lose. All you do is just wasting your time over someone who doesn`t give a sh*t. Just let go. Go out , have fun and enjoy life. you are right bak, and i am, i am in love with my martial arts instructor! Link to post Share on other sites
PattyCakes Posted April 16, 2005 Share Posted April 16, 2005 And hey the wife can't have been that great if he had to search elsewhere in the first place that isn't always true. There are plenty of A$$H() men out there that have affairs even when they have wonderful wives. All they have to do is find a willing participant. Link to post Share on other sites
Miffy Posted April 17, 2005 Share Posted April 17, 2005 Point taken! as you say there will always be men like that but there are also some who probably would not stray if all their needs were being satisfied, only she knows which category he falls into. I was just making the point that if he is used to having two women, he will probably be bored with just the one. Link to post Share on other sites
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